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I Can Relate :
Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts - 20

Topic is Sleeping.
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 1:18 AM on Monday, March 2nd, 2020

Skeeter, I hope your doing better. Betrayal on top of betrayal is just too much to bare. Hang in there, surround yourself with supportive friends and family ❤️

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8518006
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 3:00 AM on Monday, March 2nd, 2020

I'm discouraged, disappointed and angry. I don't know why we spouses were forced into a situation that is so damaging.

My husband has continually attended 12 step meetings despite justifying his continued use of porn as "not counting." One of the meetings he attends, his " home" meeting is on Saturdays. He told me this story...

TWO long term attenders, guys who take charge and to whom others have looked for guidance, guys with self reported long term sobriety have relapsed. That's an understatement. One has decided that he's not a sex addict, that sex is natural and healthy and he's leaving his wife of many years. The other is divorcing too, he's taking up with a prostitute he's been seeing for years.

Both these guys are old like me. You can predict where the relationship with the hooker will go. I

I'm not sure why they decided to even go to the meeting to make their announcements.

Vomit.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8405   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8518039
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 11:48 AM on Monday, March 2nd, 2020

I'm discouraged, disappointed and angry.

Lionne, I understand why you would feel this way. It’s heartbreaking. They will justify anything if it meets their needs. Our needs are always second, that’s if they are met at all.

The stories you have shared are sad and certainly shine light into the reality of what we are dealing with and what the future will be staying.

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8518119
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 4:57 PM on Monday, March 2nd, 2020

Active addicts cannot love. That explains most of what they do. Their emotions are shallow and their core personality trait is selfishness. There is no empathy. You might as well be dealing with a sociopath. So sure, why wouldn't these idiots go and justify their relapses? That's what addicts do. Everything that they want to do is automatically okay based on the fact that they want to do it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4541   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8518236
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 2:50 AM on Tuesday, March 3rd, 2020

I suspect I know one of the guys. He's always appeared to be NPD, egotist, made my spidey senses creepy. He is a quite successful real estate mogul. His wife was my sponsor although not really helpful. He attended the Meadows and they came to speak at a group we attended. As examples of successful reconciliation and recovery. But she told us that because of his history, the only way she'd have sex with him is with a condom. She must have been prescient.

My husband is equally disturbed, says he has no desire to follow their footprints. But we all know how reliable words are.

I hope both the wives walk away with big bucks.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8405   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8518497
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DashboardMadonna ( member #71074) posted at 6:31 AM on Friday, March 6th, 2020

Hey guys,

I hope you will find the time to read this. I know it's long, but I feel it is important...to me, anyway. This will be my last post.

{Edited for violation of multiple guidelines}

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:02 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2019
id 8520721
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DashboardMadonna ( member #71074) posted at 6:31 AM on Friday, March 6th, 2020

[edited for publishing private messages]

[This message edited by SI Staff at 3:03 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

posts: 298   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2019
id 8520722
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 6:28 PM on Friday, March 6th, 2020

DM,

I'm so sorry this isn't a safe space for you any longer. I've really appreciated your feedback and presence on these boards.

I wish you all of the best and hope you have the happiest, abuse-free future.

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1167   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8520906
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:30 AM on Saturday, March 7th, 2020

(((DashboardMadonna))) Thank you for thinking of me I did not see it as you calling me out. I will miss you as you are one of my favorite posters because YOU get what I'm going through and I'm sorry that this isn't a safe place for you anymore really sad. I do thank you for all your support and great words of advice I will always cherish. You are one of a kind and I will miss you!

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8064   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8521029
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Lionne ( member #25560) posted at 3:14 AM on Sunday, March 8th, 2020

I too have found wisdom in your posts, and an admirable resilience. I'm sorry you don't feel safe here anymore

Take care of yourself.

Me-BS-65 in May<BR />HIM-SAFWH-68<BR />I just wanted a normal life.<BR />Normal trauma would have been appreciated.

posts: 8405   ·   registered: Sep. 18th, 2009   ·   location: In my head
id 8521338
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 12:54 PM on Sunday, March 8th, 2020

(((Dashboardmadonna)

I too appreciated your knowledge and support. You’ve been through a lot, you need to focus on and do everything you can to continue healing and gaining strength. Keep moving forward ❤️

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8521386
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 12:13 AM on Monday, March 9th, 2020

Of for F sakes!!!

We are living together; talking about separating. No big changes! He still tries to convince me that he loves me and wants this marriage, etc, etc...!!!

He has not been drinking (at least not in excess) and home all the time. He’s trying to play happy family while we both walk on egg shells to not rock the boat too much. He has the odd sigh as to poor him bullshit. I just carry on doing my thing and spending time with the kids.

The F sakes comes from this....I move his truck out of our driveway so that I can free up the driveway to play soccer/hockey with the kids. I always peek in his console...habit of looking for details (looking for drugs, booze, cialis, etc). Instead I find a receipt. Fairly innocent; however I peek at the purchases from Sportcheck as we have shoes to return for our son...thinking absolutely nothing of it until I notice the purchases are for women’s yoga pants, sweater; tight sports shorts and underwear....all the things he likes but they are not for me. I never received them and would throw them at him if I did.

Wtf!!! Whose are they? He keeps claiming he has been faithful for the past year. I mean not that it matters entirely but it just illustrates again how flippin easy he lives this double life. It hurts. I’ve never been enough...I know I shouldn’t feel that way but how the F do you not!! Of course I want to separate but it’s never that simple. It doesn’t stop how bad it always hurts!!!!

[This message edited by Somber at 6:15 PM, March 8th (Sunday)]

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8521528
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secondtime ( member #58162) posted at 12:55 AM on Monday, March 9th, 2020

Hugs, Somber.

I can so relate when you say you aren't enough.

I mean, I know I'm enough. But, it is a sad thing when your partner doesn't value you or think you are important.

I'm a pretty good person. I have a lot to offer. And the very people in my life that are supposed to see that can't.

I know it's hard not to internalize it, especially when I'm the common thread.

I hope you can engage in some self-care.

posts: 1039   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2017
id 8521542
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 6:14 AM on Monday, March 9th, 2020

Somber,

So sorry you had to be traumatized by this bs. What an effing ass he is.

it just illustrates again how flippin easy he lives this double life.

They either can't comprehend the pain they are causing or don't care that they're hurting us. Total lack of empathy and selfishness - classic addict or sociopath behavior. That's why they do it over and over again. I still struggle with this - I keep thinking if I can make him understand how traumatic this was, he'll stop. Yeah, not so much.

Of course you're enough but even if we all had warts on our faces and were ogres that doesn't compel our spouses to act without integrity. They need external validation. They need an escape hatch or to feel one up on us because they aren't enough for themselves and they don't know how to fix that.

I keep asking myself, Do monogamous men exist?? Is that a fairytale? Is everyman cheating, looking at porn nonstop, going Ashley Madison? This can't be all there is out there.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 12:14 AM, March 9th (Monday)]

Me: BS 50sDDay 1 - 7/2019Separated - 11/2019False Reconciliation - Spring 2020DDay 2 - 8/23/2020DIVORCED - January 2021

posts: 1167   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8521605
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 2:31 PM on Monday, March 9th, 2020

Thank you for responding. There is the slightest comfort in knowing I’m not alone; although, I hate for anyone else to experience any of this SA crap!!

Apparently they are for me (highly doubt that! For one I don’t wear xs). And he mumbles he can’t do anything right. He asks why I don’t just talk to him, he doesn’t understand why I am so upset and want to separate all of a sudden. It’s like the past 10 years of living a double life aren’t enough in his mind!! I told him talking to him never helps and I have no interest in his attempts to manipulate me and mess with my reality. To which he had little response aside from saying he has no interest in manipulating me. He has made mistakes but geez...what about the kids, blah blah blah.

Total lack of empathy and selfishness - classic addict or sociopath behavior. That's why they do it over and over again. I still struggle with this - I keep thinking if I can make him understand how traumatic this was, he'll stop. Yeah, not so much.

Yes I struggle with this too. The healthiest thing is to give up I suppose! Instead put that energy into myself; however, I’m just to damn sad and depressed to care much about myself either.

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8521661
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 11:16 PM on Monday, March 9th, 2020

Damn, Somber. Yeah, he's not going to change. He is the kind of person who can casually live a lie. I can't say that you shouldn't be shocked because stuff like this is constantly shocking to anyone with empathy and morals.

And the part that is the most frustrating is their refusal to see what they do (or admit to seeing it) and always putting it on you. My XWH told a rehab counselor that he didn't understand why I'd been so upset about the prostitutes because it's not like he loved them or anything. This was after I had left and after many times of him expressing how he understood how awful it was and showing "remorse" and so on. I don't know if it's that they don't get it or don't care or get it and then forget it or what, but it doesn't matter. He's the victim, your WH is the victim, they're all victims. If only we'd stop being bothered by the abuse, all would be well. How dare we?

He's going to always be this way. It sucks, but it is what it is.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4541   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8521837
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:37 AM on Tuesday, March 10th, 2020

they're all victims. If only we'd stop being bothered by the abuse, all would be well.

Yes I can't take it anymore it makes you feel like you are going insane. I keep thinking to myself he is driving me into an early grave.

fBS/fWS(me):48 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, NPD tendencies
Together 25 years, Married 19
DD(18) DS(15)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8064   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8521847
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 3:10 AM on Tuesday, March 10th, 2020

And the part that is the most frustrating is their refusal to see what they do (or admit to seeing it) and always putting it on you

Right?!? I’m so angry which is probably a good thing. These clothes are for me and at his work...all such bullshit. I even ask why he would be buying me anything if I have been telling him I want a separation! He claims he has been a good boy since rehab! All crap. Whether it’s true or not, he has still crossed boundaries that I know of and is minimizing even that. He never admits to anything!!! Instead interrogates me on what I ‘think’ I know, demanding answers to why I think he’s been on Instagram, etc. He is so hell bent on protecting himself that never once has he ever been forthcoming in any details. He only has ever admitted to the tiniest of details that can’t be denied by proof. It’s pathetic! I’m angry for once and speaking to him as such, calling him a narcissist sociopathic a-hole. And he begs for me to just stop with the insults. I realize that any time I have let out any anger, he whines like a baby. He can’t handle being called on his crap or dealing with the consequences of his actions. Hence why not one betrayal has ever been dealt with as it can never be spoken about. If I push my anger and express myself as such then he will say ‘just stop, what you want me to kill myself.’ Then I shut up, I mean he’s effective, I’ll give him that!! I’ve never been able

to express anger. I guess he rather accept my depressed sadness and he seems to have no problem with that consequence. Now he is making me feel guilty and selfish for wanting out of this marriage. My last angry comment got a F U from him. I’m not coddling him anymore.

Now we are both angry, maybe that will fuel a much needed separation!!!

[This message edited by Somber at 9:22 PM, March 9th (Monday)]

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8521893
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DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 3:53 AM on Tuesday, March 10th, 2020

I realize that any time I have let out any anger, he whines like a baby. He can’t handle being called on his crap or dealing with the consequences of his actions. Hence why not one betrayal has ever been dealt with as it can never be spoken about. If I push my anger and express myself as such then he will say ‘just stop, what you want me to kill myself.’

OMFG this drove me NUTS. I'd have my XWH curled into the fetal position bawling and it was not fucking fair that he could treat me with such disrespect and cruelty and then be too big of a baby to handle being called on it. No. Fuck that, Somber. Fuck all of that bullshit. If you're too tender to deal with consequences, addicts, STOP being an asshole.

Anger is gooood in this situation. Use it.

DDay: 06/07/2017
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).

posts: 4541   ·   registered: Jul. 27th, 2017
id 8521900
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Somber ( member #66544) posted at 4:04 AM on Tuesday, March 10th, 2020

If you're too tender to deal with consequences, addicts, STOP being an asshole.

Right?! It’s really coming to light some days! I realize I haven’t always rugswept. I was conditioned by his refusal to ever accept responsibility for his actions and threatened with his suicidal claims when things got too real.

I’ve never heard a true apology, genuine remorse or been able to have a constructive conversation to understand and resolve anything. I’ve had to seek hard for evidence to finally prove some infidelities and he has admitted to the absolute bare minimum then deflects from ever talking about it. Then of course I’m in the wrong for spying on him and not trusting him , etc. There is no winning.

Me: BS, 41 / Him: SAWH, 43
2 children ages 7 and 9
“The truth is still blurry but the lies are getting clearer”

posts: 632   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8521904
Topic is Sleeping.
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