Newest Member: CereBella

I Can Relate :
Long Term Affairs Part 39

Topic is Sleeping.
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Thanksgiving2016 ( member #63462) posted at 3:57 AM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019

((((((gmc94)))))) I hope you can find peace and happiness. I agree a LTA is a special kind of hell and it saddens me that your husband seems unwilling to put in the effort. Every time you post I am always moved by your posts.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2018
id 8394268
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4yearsoflies ( new member #63772) posted at 6:16 PM on Thursday, June 20th, 2019

Forgiveness and trust. I have not forgiven him. I still question if he is trustworthy. He has done everything to show he is worthy since Dday... a beautiful change...but still...

My actions show I have accepted the new marriage ... And I still have to work on walls that I just won't let come down.

His four year affair. It's hard not to loop back to all that.

But I am getting better. It's not ALWAYS there anymore. Just a slow simmer. But more positive days than negative for sure.

posts: 49   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2018
id 8395429
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deephurt ( member #48243) posted at 6:35 AM on Friday, June 21st, 2019

I doubt I will ever get to a place where I can say I forgive him but I don’t worry about it and I don’t think it’s something I need to do. IMHO what they did is unforgivable

As for trust. I can tell I trust him more and I believe I trust as much as I ever will. Trust but verify and I find I don’t feel the need to verify very often but doubt I will ever get to a point where I fully trust.

me-BW
him-WH


so far successfully in R

posts: 3775   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8395690
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:07 PM on Monday, June 24th, 2019

WH and I have a vacation coming up in the next month. Just the 2 of us.

At times I look forward to it. Mostly thought I'm flat.

What could be bad - sun, beach, warm, palm trees, tiki bars...but then I realize. For YEARS my vacations have been tainted. Any good memory is replaced by the realization that if it were really that good, I wouldn't have my current problems now would I?

I tell myself that if our vacations were so "good" it would have snapped him back to his senses. He'd have ended it.

I don't think or have reason to suspect he's been anything but remorseful since the last DDay.

BUT

I struggle with this upcoming vacation. In a way I don't want it. I don't want another good memory that may be a lie.

I don't want to enjoy a warm and fuzzy feeling only to be reminded "you felt this way before remember - it was all a lie"

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8396994
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CaliforniaNative ( member #60149) posted at 5:59 AM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2019

I asked my ex if he texted/called AP while we were on vacation. He sure did. Probably sent pictures I took of him I paid for part of the vacation too. All of those vanishing acts (pool, gym, walk) were probably to checkin with her. He is a scumbag lol.

Chaos if you’re on the fence, why do a vacation with him? Take a friend. It might be more relaxing to get away from it all.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2017   ·   location: California
id 8397339
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 1:15 PM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2019

CaliforniaNative - good question. I figure the week alone will be good on many levels. An opportunity to interact without any guard up. No children or family to put on a front for. No work for distraction. No responsibility to get in the way. And walks on a beach are always good for reflecting.

I truly feel this will be an opportunity to see how we do as a couple post infidelity. I am curious to see a glimpse into our [not so distant] future as empty nesters.

And, I tell myself, there is always tropical beverages. And sharks. No alibi needed with sharks

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8397403
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 5:28 PM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2019

Chaos, enjoy the kid and work and life free strolls on the beach. See if your mind will let you actually take a vacation and enjoy yourself!

I 100% get your BUTs, I have the same ones, but....There's something about the sound of the ocean and a stroll on the beach to help heal the soul.

BW: 61 WH: 61 Both 57 on Dday. M: 34 years, 2 grown kids, 9 year Affair with MOW, 7 month False Recovery, year + trickle truth. I got rid of her. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time.
Sorry for the sticky shift key and typos.

posts: 278   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8397517
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kickedintheknads ( member #70102) posted at 9:40 PM on Tuesday, June 25th, 2019

CaliNative: "I asked my ex if he texted/called AP while we were on vacation. He sure did. Probably sent pictures I took of him I paid for part of the vacation too. All of those vanishing acts (pool, gym, walk) were probably to checkin with her. He is a scumbag lol."

I went through the same thing. When I went through the vacation pix (Punta Cana Resort) I found the nudes she took and sent him (or maybe THEM). Obvious poses for maximum effect. After DDay, she admitted to sending them. I knew they weren't sent to me. THEN, I discovered her emails to HIM, where he thanked her for the pix, and asked how the vacation was going. So...while we were there together physically, emotionally she was there with someone else. She would find excuses to duck away for a bit. A walk, go to the gym, etc...etc... She had to get to a place on the resort grounds where the WI-FI was strong. Of course, at the time, I had no clue. I thought everything was great between us. Now I know better...

Me:62
WW:46
D Day: 03/10/19

posts: 72   ·   registered: Mar. 20th, 2019   ·   location: TX
id 8397626
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CaliforniaNative ( member #60149) posted at 8:04 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2019

Good for you Chaos. If my ex put me through false R he would be in a shallow grave in the desert somewhere... which is why I never gave him the chance lol.

I am going to Europe this summer with my 12 year old son. France, Switzerland and Italy. My ex never wanted to go to Paris so yay... I can do it my way!

posts: 444   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2017   ·   location: California
id 8398003
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CaliforniaNative ( member #60149) posted at 8:14 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2019

kickedintheknads,

Yep my ex did the same thing. Makes me sick to know he was thinking about his AP the whole time we had our family vacation. Wanted to assure her he missed her and she means a lot to him with frequent texts. Same with him looking for a good WiFi spot in Cabo and Costa Rica. I wonder if he bought her a souvenir as well ? Oh well, she ended up dumping him once I found out, so all his efforts got him nothing in the end.

posts: 444   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2017   ·   location: California
id 8398007
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DomesticTourist ( member #67648) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, June 26th, 2019

My WW's AP was my best friend, who was ON our vacations for many, many years.

They fucked on our vacation once in my family's vacation home while I was out buying bait AND on a different vacation they "ran a quick errand" and fucked in his car.

So, yeah, I get the vacation trigger/altered history trauma.

Totally.

Emotions are like children: you can’t put them in the trunk, but you can’t let them drive, either.

posts: 187   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2018
id 8398053
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 12:48 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2019

CaliforniaNative - I'll let you know how it goes. I look forward to the beach therapy.

If the sharks do have to come out - I didn't push. I swear...

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8398227
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 4:08 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2019

Chaos, enjoy your vacation. I have found that each one gets better.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8398292
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Manta ( new member #67608) posted at 7:24 PM on Thursday, June 27th, 2019

I really need some encouragement or support.

Its affair season, where all the next few weekends corresponds with my wife's journey into infedility last summer.

I haven't seen or spoken in person or on the phone with my wife since last September.

She's moved to Germany since Feb to live with her affair partner.

She's wanted a divorce since last September.

There has been no remorse or attempt to come back since Dday last August.

I'm trying soo hard to stand, but I'm nearly out of hope.

Last I heard from her was in Feb asking for my solicitor's details and where to send legal papers.

Yet i haven't received anything.

I have lost over 22lbs. I'm working on my pies. Been busy with projects and work. Got closer to God again and enjoying renewing old friendships.

How can i have SMART contact when we have no children or joint assets. I'm so lonely, scared and hurt.

I'm just waiting in limbo like the green mile for execution.

Nobody deserves this.

She just abandoned me and ran away from everything.

I tried to kind and safe after dday, but she didnt care.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2018   ·   location: Europe
id 8398384
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 2:14 PM on Friday, June 28th, 2019

Manta, you have to accept that your marriage is over, except for having an actual divorce decree. If you haven’t already, get yourself into counseling. Be thankful that you will be able to make a clean break.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8398674
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PurpleHaze ( member #63505) posted at 1:21 AM on Sunday, June 30th, 2019

Chaos I wish you the best vacation ever. I hope you experience reconnection and just have a great time. It is so hard after an A that has had TT to try anymore. You are a very lovely and compassionate woman to give your H this chance. I hope he truly appreciates all the effort you have made to keep your family and marriage whole. If not, I hope you hit him over the head with a cast iron frying pan!! Hugs my friend and huge wishes for a fabulous vacation.

Try to stay out of the rabbit hole!

posts: 426   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2018   ·   location: sPOKANE
id 8399183
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:14 AM on Monday, July 1st, 2019

Manta I am so so sorry you are in this kind of pain. For your own sake I hope you can move on. You wife is gone and if she has been No contact with you, it is time to let go and focus on you.

You have been grieving your marriage and affair season is brutal (in it right now too). Now time for self care and IC.

Do what you love. I started exercising, hiking and biking. The exertion helps.

Volunteer, see family, get a dog or cat.

Make your life about you.

Lots of hugs.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8399543
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 10:14 AM on Monday, July 1st, 2019

Manta I am so so sorry you are in this kind of pain. For your own sake I hope you can move on. You wife is gone and if she has been No contact with you, it is time to let go and focus on you.

You have been grieving your marriage and affair season is brutal (in it right now too). Now time for self care and IC.

Do what you love. I started exercising, hiking and biking. The exertion helps.

Volunteer, see family, get a dog or cat.

Make your life about you.

Lots of hugs.

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1646   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8399544
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northeasternarea ( member #43214) posted at 4:43 PM on Sunday, July 7th, 2019

Been thinking about a lot of things. I guess open heart surgery will do that for you. My WH has been wonderful in caring for me as I recover. Looking forward to full recovery and vacation.

The only person you can change is yourself.

posts: 4263   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2014
id 8402663
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 6:32 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019

Another sleepless night [nothing in particular - just another A related gift that keeps on giving]

But as I lay awake beside WH who is sleeping like a baby...I wondered...how did he always manage to sleep like this? Snuggled up to me, holding me like I was precious cargo, yet still for 4.5 years do this to me? 3 of those while I was totally clueless and 1.5 of those post DDay but still underground?

It boggles my mind.

When asked, he will say that it is me he's always loved and wants a future with. He was just good at putting AP in a separate box [compartmentalization] hoping all the while she'd fade into oblivion on her own

If he notices I am awake, he will pull me tighter, kiss my head, tell me how much he loves me as he drifts back off to sleep. In the moment it helps.

NOTE: For the past few months WH has been in intensive IC.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3300   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8403643
Topic is Sleeping.
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