Thank you very much BSR. You have no idea how much that framing helped me. I like the ratio analogy. Ours is probably similar. I am much more a BS while he is the opposite. When i asked today for him to clarify, from his perspective, hoe far past our lines i went, the only thing he came up with was my intentions. My *actions* were basically within the limits and were done openly. The line crossing was me wanting more and not disclosing that. Whereas his crossed tons of lines and involved deception.
I like thinking of it as triage. He knows i have done work in the past and will do more later. *I* am the one who insisted they were EAs at all and that they were wrong because i feel i crossed boundaries that should have existed. I want to do that work. But you are right that now may not he the time. I really do need both of us in a safer place from his A's first.
LO, thank you. I am better today. Yes i felt shame and that my feelings were invalid because i was "just as bad". Specifically my feelings of trauma and pain. But i feel reassured today. We have talked a bunch and i have had him read along with my thread in WS and discuss it.
And we went over our timelines together and figured stuff out. Basically it looked like this:
Sept-dec 2016 - my EA1. no sexting but some innuendo. He knew and we laughed about it.
Spring 2017 (i think April) - i catch him in an EA. He claims was with a coworker, i dont get the truth until august 2019. He really met her on a dating app, and did meet her in person at least once.
March-july 2017 - my EA2. Not sexual until one weekend in may where he sexted me and i refused to sext back. Husband knew most but not all details that weekend.
Summer 2017: i seek help for depression, anxiety. I had just weaned my son so got on antidepressants and did therapy. Came up with a plan to address my issues, and carried it out. Got my mental health under control enough to apply to school to reenter the workforce, etc. He rugsweeps.
July or august 2017, he goes to a prostitute.
Summer 2017- march 2019, he intermittently tried dating apps, with a poor success rate.
June 2018, he is approved for a transfer to a bigger city
August 2018 we move
Sept 2018, i start an intensive program, 8 classes first semester.
Fall 2018, he tries dating apps in a bigger city
Winter 2019, i am struggling from the i tensity of the program, two bouts of the flu, and two young kids struggling at a new school. He starts going to massage parlors
March 2019, i find him on dating apps. He is unremorseful. I tell him we are done but he cant leave until i am done school because i have no means of support
March 2019-june 2019, i struggle to stay alive and to keep doing my intensive program. Classmates call me at home to make me do assignments because i cant make myself. Two online friends help me. I end up sexting with both. Husband knows about it at the time.
June 2019, i tell him he did nothing to convince me to change my mind, so plan to leave. I tell his mom and mine. He starts therapy. We HB a lot and he starts getting it, i think. But he is still lying.
July 2019 he goes to the massage parlor while i am out of town. I still dont know he has ever done this.
Aug 2019 i catch him in lies and kick him out. Expose him on FB. Give him one chance to telle everything. He does. I learn about the lies of the first ea, and the years of dating apps, and the prostitute, and the massage parlors, which he initially says ended in march, corrected to april.
Aug 2019, i am actively suicidal, under medical watch and drugged so i dont feel.
Mid aug 2019, i check his phone and find the july visit to the massage parlor, after i thought ye was getting it. Tell him to leave and 180 hard. See a lawyer. Find apartments. Treat him like a coparent, and nothing else.
After a few days, he is a different person. the time away from my suicidal crisis gave everything a chance to fall into place. He got it and was remorseful and has worked his ass off ever since.
So there is the timeline. I am glad BSR said it is ok to identify as more one than the other, because i do. But i felt like it wasnt owning my part to admit that.