Ok so here it is. Laying it all out here. I’m not sure if this is against site policies or not but at this point I don’t really care. GravyKate is my Madhatter wife as some of you may or may not have guessed. I have read through her posts here and the replies that she has gotten and quite frankly a lot of what I read pisses me off quite deeply. In fairness right now there is a lot of anger that may or may not be properly placed, I can’t tell these days. But I would like to address this post and clarify a few thing.
She is correct, we were both kids when we had our first child. I got my wife pregnant when we were 15 and since 15 I have worked to pay for and provide for my child. My wife obviously still lived with her parents when she was pregnant but I worked commercial fishing during that summer and when I returned home I gave her all the money that I made to pay for what would be needed for when the baby arrived. When we were both freshly 16 we had our first child and I rode my bike to the hospital to witness the birth of my oldest boy. At the age of 17 we moved out on our own and truly began raising our family on our own. I dropped out of school in grade 12 and went to work full time to provide.
Somewhere around 18 I made my first indiscretion and at a local party I shared a kiss with another girl. It was a stupid stupid deciosion that I have no excuse for. All I can say is that I was a stupid kid. But let’s go back to my summers commercial fishing which I did from the time I was 12 until my oldest boy was 1 and I was 17. That last summer I met another guy a year older than me from our home town and after talking for awhile figured out that he actually knew my wife (girlfriend at the time). He proceeded to tell me that he used to hang out with my “girlfriend” lots and that I should truly get a paternity test for my son. Lovely.
So now let’s fast forward a few years to when we moved away so I could start my apprenticeship. Yes it was a rough time for us and we did separate for awhile. I didn’t however move in with a “college” friend. I moved in with my coworker. But we will get back to him in a bit. Did I party lots when we lived there? Yes. Did she? Yes. Was I gallivanting when we were separated? no. In fact we spent almost every day together and I never had a single moment of indiscretions while separated. However I did stay at her place one night so that she could go out partying with her friends. Well about 1 am her car pulls in and I’m waiting for her to come in the house but after about 5 or 10 minutes she is still out in the car. So out I go to see what’s up and low and behold I see another man in the driver seat and a women performing oral sex on him. I rip the door open and to my...... horror? Relief? I see that it is not my wife it is her friend my wife is nowhere to be found. I ask where she is and they say they don’t know. They all left at the same time but my wife was too drunk to drive so another guy “friend” drove her home, yet they arent here. They didn’t show up for over an hour and I never have gotten an explanation of where they were.
One other night while I was out having drinks with a guy that I knew from my apprenticeship training at the college he came to me and said he was hooking up with some girl and asked if he could go to my car. I stupidly said yes and gave him my keys. Some time later, a couple weeks maybe, my wife found a condom wrapper in the car. So fucking stupid of me to put myself in that situation yet here I was and I know exactly how that looks and sounds and I can’t excuse that. It is what it is and I apologized and asked her to forgive my stupidness. I never cheated on her at that time yet over the years I have born the brunt of the anger and accusations about that night.
This time that we moved to another town was when we first got a computer. And I found unfortunately that it was quite exciting to chat with people. Women in particular. You could anonymously tell them anything and you could flirt and pretend that you weren’t who you were. You could be exciting. My wife caught me chatting with women. It was not a good time. Over the years I have not told her “to get over it” as she says. I have only uttered those words once and again I will get back to that in a bit. What I have said is that I am deeply sorry for what I did. I also have told her that although I understand her feelings about it and that I also understand that it was 100% wrong, I think that classifying those times as affairs is inaccurate. No chat conversations at the time were anything ongoing at all and were for the most part single conversations that involved flirtatious talk. Across the line and unacceptable? Absolutely. Complete betrayal and horrible judgement on my part. I have no excuse for my actions they were mine to own. And I never even questioned how she labeled those actions until nearly 10 years later when she would still claim numerous affairs on my part.
Now back to my “college buddy” who was in fact simply a coworker and also my best friend at the time. Well one year at work we had a staff Christmas party at the bodyshop that I worked at and the neighboring shop crew was there as well and the party continued on fairly late into the night. After it dies down we all went home. Fast forward to the next Monday at work, the owner of the adjacent shop takes me aside and tells me that at one point in the evening during the partying he walked in on my friend and my wife in the neighboring shop. She was sitting on a snowmobile with her hands on the handlebars and my friend was sitting behind her with his arms around her. He said that they stopped right away and acted like nothing was going on. When I confronted her about this she couldn’t for the life of her remember that. And that whatever he saw he must have been mistaken or taken it out of context. So I let that one go too. Turns out that another time at a later date she did kiss him and she admitted to that but that got swept away. I’m favt after we moved back to our home town he still used to call her on her birthday and other occasions. But I was supposed to be ok with that.
So as I mentioned we moved back to our home town after my apprenticeship was completed. Well not our home town but much closer. Here she is correct. I did kiss another woman. It was a horrible act of betrayal and I have no excuse. But as far as me driving her past the house? That’s a little dramatic. The house is on the highway leading out of town. When you leave town you have to go by there unless you take a detour far out of the way. And to be fair, she never said “please don’t go this way”. We just went the way we always did but I hear about it years later how cruel it was to do that. We never discussed it and there in lies a huge part of the problem.
Fast forward a couple of years to my PA. A low point of my existence for sure. I own my actions completely it was and is my fault. I begged for forgiveness. On my knees begging. She didn’t need to forgive me, she owed me nothing. I had done the worst thing possible to her and destroyed her trust and our vows. Shattered my life and hers. Shattered my opinion of myself. I never thought that I could do that. But we agreed to move forward and try to rebuild our marriage. I vowed to do anything and everything that I could to help her through it. I endured her anger. Tried to comfort her in her hurt. Knew that she watched me through various means and let her do it unobstructed. To this day she throws digs and jabs at me and I just accept them without any push back. As she said in her post the OW was much younger than me. Every time we see a couple, on tv or in real life that there is any age gap at all she makes a comment about how fucking gross that is. It’s a very thinly veiled dig at my PA. I can’t count how many times she has told me, years later that she's Not my little slut. Another direct reference to my PA. Yet I never say anything. After about 3 years post Dday of my PA During one argument where she was throwing my A in my face again, as she is entitle to, I did say that she needs to get over it. I apologized for what I said and tried to explain that my words didn’t reflect my meaning. I never meant that she needed to “get over it”. I tried to explain that what I meant to say and the words I should have used were “we need to try to move past if we can” I was a horrible person and a horrible husband, and even the words that I should have said maybe weren’t the correct ones. But “Get over it!” Is definitely a little out of context
So now a little bit about my PA. No excuses here just what it was. My AP was the aggressor. I was weak and didn’t shut it down but she approached me and actively tried to instigate things before they ever did happen. Numerous times she would invite me over and I turned her down. Until I didn’t. I know that holds no water because ultimately I participated and didn’t end it before it started. I held on to the good feelings that she was making me have and to be honest I was happy to leave it at a simple text relationship and numerous times declined the offer to come visit in person. Eventually I did and then I continued for the better part of a year. As I said a low point in my life. I hold a shame that I will never shed.
I mention about my PA because of the difference between mine and hers. I know that ultimately it doesn’t matter because an affair is an affair but right now I am so fresh in this I do feel like it matters a bit. I resisted a PA. Not well enough. Because I did it. So it doesn’t matter if I say no a thousand times as soon as I say yes it undoes that. But she was the admitted aggressor. She sought him out and tried to convince him to come to her. I don’t know why that matters to me but it just does. I said that I turned down my AP a few times before I didn’t. It was a 10 minute drive to my AP’s house. And numerous times at the beginning she invited me over and I couldn’t make that ten minute dr. I turned away and told her I just couldn’t do it. Ultimately she said we just needed to talk it out and that’s what got me there. My wife arranged to meet my best friend (again) in a town 2 hours away. She made that drive easily. And continued to meet him in a sleazy hotel to have sex.
Now I want to back track a little bit here. Back in July of this year we were at a bbq at my best friends house. I had been having a gut feeling for a few weeks that something just wasn’t right. So when I noticed that my wife and my friend were both missing I went looking and as I came around the side of the house I was dumbfounded. I was sure what I saw but at the same time I couldn’t have. I was positive that I just caught the very tail end of my wife pulling away from a kiss with my friend and then she turned and went back into the house directly away from me while my “friend” continued on like nothing had just happened. I confronted my wife and she denied it until she couldn’t. We left there and I didn’t make nearly the scene that I should have being the number of people that were there and I was still in shock and not sure of what I had actually just seen. I was going to kill him. My wife begged me not to. She told me how it was all her fault and he had no idea that she was going to do that she had caught him completely off guard. He was after all a stand up guy. As she mentioned in her post she was recently down 100lbs and it just got to her. She wanted to know if she was still desirable to another man and that she made a stupid mistake. That she had no feelings for him at all it was just a mistake. I was crushed. In all of this it took my wife 14 hours before she even said sorry. Then it was a simple matter of fact sorry. Yet she begged me not to throw away a friendship based on her stupidity. I talked to my “friend” and he bawled while apologizing to me. After it was all said and down I agreed that maybe given time we could all get over it but it would take time. We spent a little time together after that but not a ton. Things were getting easier tho.
So then she pursues him again. And again he is up for it. How stupid am I? DDay for her PA was Sept 24th. 4 days after our 22nd wedding anniversary. I’ve never felt this pain before. Never had this rage boiling inside before. But this is Karma right. I’ve done all of this to her. Mostly. And she is taking it hard. So hard. I know what it’s like being on that side and it is no fun seeing the hurt you cause. It hurts almost as bad seeing it as it does having it. Almost. So here we are. She’s a mess and I need to fix her and heal her. Ya. For what. Here we sit now after I have endured any and all that she has felt the need to throw my way for over 6 years. Here we are barely over a month out from the second Dday in a VERY short time. What do I have now? Well in the past month she has deleted texts. Deleted phone calls, lied about where she is going and been. Now let’s get it straight I do in fact believe that she has had no contact with the OM. I do believe that there are simple explanations for the discrepancies but the fact still is that she has lied about them. As little as a week ago. But in this time I have heard no less than 4 times that if I can’t talk when she wants to, if I can’t find a way to move forward then we have no chance and are doomed. We are doomed.
Now here’s a side story that I left out. My dad has been ill for quite some time. The past year he has been much worse and has been in a care facility. And after a recent surgery that led to infection he got even worse. The month prior to Dday, the month when she took up seeking out a PA with my friend my dad was really bad and his days were numbered so I was spending as much time with him as I could. His care Home is an hour drive away and I was doing it 3-4 times a week to be with him while I could. Well a week after Dday (sept 24th) my dad passed away (oct 3rd) So ya. This past month has been tough. But I need to get over it right. I haven’t been able to grieve my dad at all. In fact I feel horrible because I’ve used his death as a crutch. How horrible is that. Not very many people know about my wife’s affair. So now I’m allowed to be upset because I’m grieving death right. Such bullshit.
Well I know this is long. It is what it is. I’ve read what my wife has posted about me and I’ve read the comments. That I’m a serial cheater with no remorse. Not husband material and I should be divorced immediately etc etc. Ya I get it. But one side of the story is never the best to offer advise on.
[This message edited by Jondoe at 1:47 AM, November 3rd (Saturday)]