Who to tell, and what to tell them -- some things I'm considering, and why
- the fiancé of her ONS, who she wishes to retain as a close friend (the ONS is the friend, not the fiancé)
Goal would be to inform the fiancé of the rough timeline (which I know involves her) and that they continue to sometimes flirt with obvious innuendo.
The implication being that inappropriate behavior begets bad behavior ... on this belief my wife and I strongly disagree: "I can flirt playfully and it doesn't mean anything. I don't have any interest in sleeping with him again and he knows that."
I have reason to suspect the former ONS feels the same about how he behaves: justified, and just friends. Unless my wife sends him another picture of leggings so that he can comment about the effect it has on his pants and how cute her butt is.
It's possible I'm wrong, and that it is truly innocent today, and that "close friends" or even "friends with history" can and do talk like that. That being said, she'd never read Not "Just Friends" without a gun to her head.
- the ongoing AP's _______ ?
He's a black hole. I have zero knowledge of him even having a wife or family. I've Googled. I've scoured FB. He has relatives here and there on FB but I'm not sure who is who.
Any adult? close to him needs to be told? but I don't have a clue who that might be. I don't want to inadvertently send a message to offspring.
I know where he works and have that contact info, but no desire to contact this OM directly, because :
- ... I'd rather their shared coworkers know and karma them both
Or maybe I'd bcc him on an email to them. He'd know, based on how it was written, coworkers know but not know which ones ... I'm unsure if tipping my wife off so blatantly is good or bad.
Grayer area? She actively hides it from them still They make travel, hotel, dinner, and meeting plans with the goal of "not making appearances" and yes this includes "little white lies" to them. Elaborate schemes, like making lists of people who should/should not see them together and under what circumstances. Making sure not to come out of hotel elevators together. Explaining to coworkers why they're in the same meetings/restaurant tables etc.
(ALL of that, while telling me she's eminently comfortable with her life path and that specific relationship.) And she knows I snooped in her computer; she has to know I know that minutia.
Seriously ... at what point is it reasonable for her to show me how happy she now is "because the marriage has been a sham, anyway, and I have no obligation to it anymore" (where there are no work consequences for her) vs. her keeping secrets from coworkers who think she contracts for the AP's company in a purely business manner? Would they not question that business relationship??
I don't see a downside to her work relationships being harmed. Did I not read on this site that there should be work consequences for affairs happening at work? She has had none, zero.
The couple days here following D-day have been great. Light, breezy, no tension. Relaxed, now that she's come clean with wanting to split up, she's free to live her life, right? She hasn't even changed her laptop password.
She can go back to being angry, shutting down, feeling vengeful, even. None of that = regret/remorse.
Still working on this one. Ironically, I see these two groups as the same.
Where recently I would have been mortified if anyone knew what I did, I am rapidly not giving a shit who knows. Thank my fog lifting for that.
Just yesterday I told my dad we're starting down the road to D, due to infidelities on both sides. Didn't judge me, just said, "I am not surprised" (to learn you're splitting up). Fully expect most everyone else that knows us to say the same thing.
In particular, I seek to gain or retain some control by letting anyone know that when we D it won't merely be because of what I did.