4 years into our marriage my husband cheated. He didn't come home one night. I called hospitals, even jails. I packed up 2 sleeping babies at 2am and went looking for him. Never found him. He lied and denied, of course. Eventually, I got the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I left. I packed up the kids and moved to an apartment. I told him he could take care of the house and come home to it empty. Can't remember now but a month or 2 later he came to me and asked me to come home. He was stupid. He missed us. He would make it up to me.
I really wanted our family. I loved him. I went home. We rug swept. I didn't know what that was back then. It was 1998 or 99. No big internet presence then. Too embarrassed to share with any family or friends. Short on money and really too embarrassed to talk to a counselor anyway.
I asked through the years about that time. I knew it must have been a co-worker. He worked long hours. He wouldn't talk about it. I would remain silent for days then life went back to life.
Fast forward to 2017.
I was struggling again with depression. Went to a counselor to help me work through it. After several visits, I told her about his infidelity and my lack of closure on the issue. I went home and calmly tried to talk to him again. He shut me down. I told my therapist about this on the next visit and she asked how I would feel long term with never getting answers. I told her I was uncertain. I did make a choice back when to move on with him but I felt this issue was always between us.
When I left there, I went home and tried again. He said he didn't feel it was to my benefit to rehash old stuff. I told him he was arrogant to assume he knew what was best for me since this was obviously still a problem for me after all these years.
He took a deep breath and sat down to talk. I found that what I thought I knew was wrong and he had let me believe a wrong story for many years. I told him I really had wished for a drunk to hit me the night I went looking for him.
After a good talk some days later, I actually thanked him for finally being honest. For finally talking about the elephant in the room. I was happy we were finally being open.
Well...the next week I asked if there was anything else I needed to know before trying to move past this. After a while, he came back to me and revealed that he had another 5 month affair and a one night stand about 2 years after this.
I am sooo angry and devastated. He had switched jobs and had training out of state. He was gone 20 days out of the month during and after training. He met her there. He told her he had no plans to leave his family. The one night stand was apparently so beautiful and after drinking with her in a hotel room on a work trip, he fucked her. As if that was a reasonable explanation. We moved to a bigger house during this and I became pregnant with number 3. He says this was his catalyst for finally waking up and being faithful.
He claims that he's been faithful for the last 16 years now. Not sure I totally believe him but since he fessed up to the other crap I guess it seems logical.
I took his wedding ring from him shortly after this confession. He never took it off while touching any of these other women. I told him that ring didn't mean anything and had been defiled and I didn't want it touching me ever again. I had a fit when he put it back on for a work trip and I noticed it gone. He seemed to think that as long as he didn't wear it with me that it was okay. I asked him if he's feel the same if I wrapped his ring around some other man's penis and then came home to him. I'd love to smash it with a hammer frankly!
I'm having a hard time with his work trips. He can't switch jobs. Affair partners are long gone but each time he screwed around I thought he was at work. I thought he was doing what he needed to do to take care of his family. In reality he was dating and even taking work trips with one of them.
He has lied to me for 20 years! He cringes when I say that because he thinks he didn't actively lie each day.
I don't know how to move on from this. He has finally shown the remorse and empathy I've begged for all these years but the lies are so present for me! I can't look him in the face for long and it's been 2 months. It just seems it was so easy for him to lie all this time and I didn't see it. This situation seems so different from most others on these sites. Anyone have a promising perspective a few years past this discovery?
[This message edited by Hesaliar at 7:44 PM, March 29th (Thursday)]