Hang in there, Onlyjustgetingby. Your name strikes a bell with me. People ask me how I'm doing and I say "getting by". That seems better than the way I was before where I didn't feel like I was.
We have those dates permanently burned into our heads, don't we. September 1, 2013 was the day I got proof my WW had committed adultery for 4 years and it ended 7 years before that. There's other dates, too. The good news is that there's been a couple of those "significant" dates that slipped by unnoticed in the last year. Progress.
I, too, beat myself up about "what if I ...". But I didn't. My worst thing is thinking about what I should have done and didn't. But, like you, that is based on information I now have that I didn't have then. My IC is really working on that with me. I think I'm making progress until I get over tired or not feeling well.
You, like me, didn't do those things because we didn't really know anything. We were suspicious but had no proof. Our queries were denied. My wife (Christian) swore before God. We suffered from love bias and our loved one wouldn't lie to us so convincingly. What if we were wrong and our crazy/jealous/paranoid/suspicious accusations damaged our marriage and there was nothing going on (gaslighting, much).
One of the things my IC is also working on with me, or more confirming for me, is that I now recognize red flags. I actually saw a lot of red flags that I rugswept throughout our marriage. I was married for life so felt I would just live with them or overrode my gut and head with my heart. I tried through 20 years of marriage (guessing at how long) for my WW to get help because something was off kilter. She resented that I thought she needed help and, therefore, I was the problem. So my hindsight points out so many red flags that I should have paid more attention to. My IC is stressing that I pay attention in the future and not ignore/rugsweep. When someone shows you who they are - believe them.
I hope your IC works out. I've now had 3. The first was good and served a very useful purpose in the 4 months following DDay1. The second was total crap (she was cheap though - way below the profession recommended rate). The one I have now is excellent. I have pretty severe PTSD. She is well versed with PTSD, has had it herself from her time in law enforcement and works with military and law enforcement personnel.
I've started thinking in just the last short period that I think I'm going to make it. I don't mean that I was going to take my life although 4 and a half years ago that was a possibility. I mean that I'm going to get to a point that life is good and I'm at peace.
I would like the same for you. I hope you hang in there and continue reading SI. I know some of the stories are heart wrenching. I feel for the BS so deeply and quite often it's hard to bear. But there's lots of support, guidance, suggestions, etc. that are very useful. All want the best for you and to get out of adultery. Take the best and leave the rest.
By the way, I don't think your WW is anywhere close to being R material. She may get there. In a lot of cases, maybe most, it takes a while for the reality of what they've done to finally sink in. Some will never get there. She should be bending over backwards, answering any question, being proactive with information, comforting and finding out how and why she gave herself permission and encouragement to commit adultery. TT (trickle truth) restarts the clock. It's going to take 2 or 3 to 5 years to heal from the trauma whether with her or apart.
I wish you the very best for your healing. I hope it's on the speedier side but don't try to race through it. It will take as long as it takes.
You might want to take a look at Betrayed Menz in the I Can Relate forum. Good group over there. Hang in there.