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Newest Member: MamaTo7

I Can Relate :
Emotional Affairs


BrainFreeze ( member #61754) posted at 5:18 PM on Monday, October 29th, 2018

How long does it usually take before the wh is completely honest?

My wife would never have come clean except that I forced the issue by heading to the lawyer, and walking away. Which is why I still have doubts I guess. She has admitted to me that she had planned to take the memory of her kiss to the grave with her.

Other's have had different experience, with the wayward coming clean on their own accord.

I may be wrong, but I think that those doubts (do I have the whole story) will always be there. This is going to sound crazy, but I feel as if my wife is completely honest with me. She has told me things that I never would have found out, things I didn't know. But I still doubt her. Maybe in time, as my healing continues that will change... but I don't (can't??) see those doubts going away any time soon.

I know I did some double speak there... and no.. I'm not a politician... just a guy going through a bat shit crazy event..

BH 49, WW 47
Married 24 years, DS16,DD17

You all know.

posts: 973   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2017
id 8275147

Jenna2 ( new member #65781) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, October 31st, 2018

Sadismynewname, I'm so sorry to hear about your story. After 35 years! Is your H willing to end the contact with the Vietnamese girl? Did you ask him what he thinks their relationship is going?

Butforthegrace, my H strongly maintains that the OW is merely a good friend. For sure after 10 years how can she not be?! I do agree with you about the intention of the OW. He regrets that he demanded a private photo and she compiled. He was caught off guard when I asked if he ever saw her naked. After that, he would only answer questions in writing because he would have time to think about the answer. That is probably another reason why he doesn't want to discuss the affair. He doesn't want to give a wrong answer that will come back to haunt him.

Here's the update: I had my surgery done early this month and am depending on H a lot because I am immobile for a while. He is extremely attentive and treating me like a queen! Nothing to complain about. Only that I cannot bring up the affair because to him it was never an affair. He said he made a mistake of keeping a secret friendship. He is extremely sorry to have caused so much pain to me. That's all.

He said when we talked about the affair that brought me right in the rabbit hole. He was also affected as he tried to put the whole thing behind him. It doesn't help if I bring it up often. He is trying to deal with the temptation and his addiction. He is getting better and rarely thinks about the site and the women. He has deleted all the accounts when I caught him in March and have been in NC since. However he said he would not be surprised that this 40+ year old virgin will contact him sometime in the future. It might be Christmas. He promised to forward the message to me and I can then tell him how to respond or not respond at all.

I think I will give him another chance. Honestly, he is a great guy in all aspects other than this flaw and stupidity that lasted so long.

[This message edited by Jenna2 at 11:35 AM, October 31st (Wednesday)]

posts: 31   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2018   ·   location: Toronto, ON
id 8276386

layla1234 ( member #68851) posted at 10:58 PM on Thursday, November 15th, 2018

Ughhh, I struggle with this so much. My husband swears he was never physical, but it just doesn't make sense. All the red flags are there. New moves in the bedroom, fooling around in his car which we never did before. How do you figure out if it was a PA?

Married: 5-15-11
3 kids: ages 6, 3, and baby born in Sept.
D-day of EA with married COW:7-18-18

So much missing info from my story. I'm too exhausted to add it all. Divorce process started.

posts: 856   ·   registered: Nov. 15th, 2018
id 8285175

fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:57 PM on Saturday, December 24th, 2022


Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3576   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8770795

Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 3:05 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

I am new on here, I just found this thread but I noticed everyone is from 2018 is this still a thread to post on or did it move?

posts: 66   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8790615

Wiseoldfool ( member #78413) posted at 10:46 PM on Friday, May 12th, 2023

This is the place, this thread is "active." Sometimes the "I Can Relate" threads don’t get a lot of traction because they tend to be somewhat specific. If you want, depending on your circumstances, you could post in "Just Found Out" or "General." Those forums tend to get a lot more traffic.

Every secret you keep with your affair partner sustains the affair. Every lie you tell, every misunderstanding you permit, every deflection you pose, every omission you allow sustains the affair.

posts: 317   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2021
id 8790726

Woody28 ( new member #83062) posted at 2:08 AM on Sunday, June 4th, 2023

Anyone have a WH who had an EA, which eventually turned PA? After six months of my WH having an EA with a married coworker, I told him to move out. I feel like by doing that. I just made it easier for it to become sexual. She had pursued and chased him all along, she had come onto him at the workplace indicating she wanted to have sex right then and there. He told her no that time. After he moved out, she was able to get him over to her place when her husband and daughter were not at home under the pretense of dinner and a movie. She basically undressed and exposed herself, and he gave in. I have a lot of self blame for making him move out because I feel like I just played into her scheme , and made it easy for the affair to become sexual. I’ve been told by therapists and others that it probably would’ve turned sexual anyway, but I don’t think he would’ve ever gone to her home. If we had still been living together. I beat myself up continually over this issue as well as many other issues that I wish I had handled differently.

posts: 14   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2023   ·   location: Arkansas
id 8793802

Diva19 ( member #83232) posted at 5:44 PM on Monday, June 5th, 2023

Woody28, I have read and seen so many of your post and I honestly feel like we are so similar in our process of our thoughts. Guilt is what I feel once my husband and the OW were exposed by me they took the affair straight to right in front if me. Meeting in his truck and at a hotel. I constantly blame myself for HIS actions like if I wouldn't have confronted him and her at his workplace they would never have met outside work or a hotel, but we can't blame ourselves I'm trying to learn that he did what he did because he wanted to and would have found a way regardless for me I never kicked him out, I should have but he went to a hotel anyway right in front of me. We had a fight and he called her up and met at a hotel so yes I destroy myself everyday thinking why why did I get involved should have just left him when I had a red flag something was wrong. Than as you know my story she just like your trash skank OW trying to say I harrased her these women are psycho. But our spouses choose to cheat and would have found a way regardless what we did or didn't do. Just like you though I do blame myself but we need to stop doing that it's nothing we did they are just broken and found someone to listen to their lies amd believe them. You and I have a lot in common for sure.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2023
id 8793989
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