SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hey Rocko - thank you so much for reporting your situation, yes, that definitely does sound similar.

I just can’t understand it, how people can engage in deception over a long period of time like this, keeping it secret from their spouse the whole time, how does they even make sense of that to themselves in their own mind?

I’m sorry you are still dealing with upset feelings about this. But I’m glad for you that being in the position you were, with no children, the proper pathway forward made itself clear to you.

For myself, after 18 years of marriage, and with two daughters that are nearing teenage, It’s not so cut and dry. I am three months in now from Dday, approximately, and still very much trying to figure out how this is going to work for us going forward.

My wife has been doing a lot of good work. Trying, at least ostensibly, really hard to figure out what was going on for her. But a lot of times I get a cynical feeling that all of this self-exploration work she’s doing is a just bunch of bullshit, and really, she just did what she did because she damn well wanted to, and thought she could get away with it.

Her one redeeming grace was that she came forward to confess to me. I literally had no idea any of this stuff was going on. I didn’t even suspect it.
I suppose her conscience actually got the better of her?…Or, as others have pointed out, maybe she was concerned I was going to find out on my own at some future point, and sought to circumvent the potential fallout from having her pattern of deception revealed through my own machinations, rather than through a confession (controlled by) herself.

…at this point, I suppose I will never know.

Hang in there! Don’t try and make sense of her actions! Escapism, fantasy, seeking validation, who knows? Human weakness and awful, hurtful choices happen every day. It would be great if we could diagnose the cause, but of course humans are too complex to have a simple answer. I doubt she even realizes her why’s at this point. But she needs to pursue that answer not only for you, but for herself moving forward.

I believe a WS confession is usually a positive, although you are right, we can’t truly know her motivation for confessing. The confession needs to be followed by actions, transparency, and remorse. It sounds like your WW is taking some positive actions. Right now, take care of you. Continue to heal from this trauma. And have a great Fathers Day! Good luck.

My H confessed (when he came home hours late and ignored texts and calls) and could not hide the fact he was out with the OW.

However he put me through hell for the next 6 months while he decided "what he wanted" which was basically me or OW.

So I too often wonder what the motivation is when the cheater "confesses".

You can change your future. You can't change your past.

R works fine if both of you do the work of building your M into what you want it to be and if what you each want your M to be is compatible with the other's vision.

Your WS's reasons for cheating are neither here nor there. What counts is your WS changing themself from cheater to good partner. You can't control that. It's entirely up to your WS.

So focus on yourself. At 3 months out, you're probably coming out of shock. If so, you can start to trust your thinking and feeling. You can start to figure out what you really want. Your main obligation is to be honest with yourself about that.

If you want R, test your WS, again and again. Give your WS ample opportunity to fail. If you want D, you can do that on your own. If you want to delay your decision, figure out what you need to make your decision.

MD78,

Small Town she probably thought someone say her and her AP.

I can't really give any advice on Reconciliation as her cheating was automatic termination from my life.

One word of advice is don't let any rage towards the AP impact your thinking and or actions. She was the one who vowed to forsake all others not the AP. I often say if I ran into the AP I'd buy him a beer and say thanks!

Side note:

Traveled to my home town for a funeral. Stopped at the local Mom and Pop to top of the gas tank before heading home. Looked up to see her walking in to the store. Didn't recognize her so much as I did her "cat like" walk. Climbed in the cab and gave my wife a big kiss.

Peace

I should just cut and paste I write this so often.

This will be in all caps to make a point you will pay attention to

First, STRESS IS CUMULATIVE!!!!! It means that there is a point of no return where your body begins to break down and there is nothing you can do to fix it. You can begin to have heart trouble or digestive trouble or mental trouble or arthritis. I have a friend who was told in her 20s that she had the markers for RA. Well into her 50s not a sign of it until her husband got very ill and she watched him slowly die for the next five years, constantly monitoring and nursing him. The next year that RA came on with a vengeance. Her immune system fell apart and then came back as gangbusters.

Your entire body is thrown into what I consider a burning garbage heap. There’s nothing going on in your body that is healthy when you’re distressed. I’m so puzzled as to why people don’t get this. When you break a leg, you get it fixed, when you have your heart problems you go to the heart surgeon. Somehow we forget that the brain is a part of the body and it gets as stress stressed out as any other part of the body and the problem is it controls everything in the body so everything pays the price when the brain gets crazy. Please understand you are headed to that point of no return if you don’t figure out how to get your life back on track. The title of this forum is surviving infidelity. That does not mean reconciliation and that does not mean divorce. What it means is you get your life where it is manageable.

Your life should be waking up in a good mood and going to bed in a good mood. It means you have people around you who care about you and make sure you are OK every day. It means you discard people who are harming you, emotionally or physically. You can only give your wife so many chances and then at some point your body is going to be broken down. I hope I’ve scared you because I’ve meant to.

Second get to a doctor, if you have not done so, and get some sort of medication to get rid of the anxiety you’re living with. That’s the sign that you’re under distress.

Thirdly, talk to an attorney to look at financially what you do, married or single. You need to plan for the future either way.

Fourth, find something to do physically. I don’t mean running a marathon I mean, just finding something to do to move your body every day. Something as simple chair exercise or something else like jumping jacks. Whatever your body is able to do helpful is what you should be doing every day.

Fifth,if you don’t have a therapist, get one. You need a place to vent. You need a place to cry. You need a place to pound on the table.

Sixth, find some friends to hang out with. Believe it or not one of the very best things you can do is laugh so find some people that are funny.

Lastly, eat healthy, don’t drink alcohol, or take any drugs, other than those prescribed by a doctor. Get a good night’s sleep and if you can’t, talk to the doctor about that as well. Your body has to repair itself at night and if you’re not getting sleep, it’s just adding to the stress. Eat well-rounded meals every day. I’m not a one meal type person, but I hope you get off sugar if you’re on it. That stuff has no nutritional value and really is pretty powerful in how it can damage you. By the way, I occasionally eat sugar. I’m just not under stress right now.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:17 PM, Sunday, June 21st]