I think infidelity can only be dealt with by dealing with reality and the truth. This is a KEY statement. If you don’t know the truth your marriage will NEVER recover. NEVER.
It’s OK to make logical assumptions, but I think that any truth known right now at the start does less damage than a lesser truth learned further down the road. Irrespective of D or R.
I also think the situation you are in right now – knowing but not confronting – is the toughest one to be in.
I also actively think the job of a new betrayed spouse is to get out of infidelity. The job is not to divorce, nor to reconcile. Those two options are simply paths that can lead you to your destination. Numerous factors – including what YOU want – will help you determine whether you take the path of D or the path of R. Fortunately for you, both paths run parallel for some time and you can switch between them and still head in the right direction. At some point they start separating, and at some point, you need to commit to one or the other.
A lot of people chose a third option. It’s not one I think ever works. That’s where you decide to stay in infidelity (active or inactive) and hope that with time things will be OK. With time they might seem OK, but that’s only because you become accustomed to the stink of the white elephant of infidelity lurking in the corner.
I think it’s clear your wife had an affair. No denying that. I also have a feeling it’s not active – that it has been over for some time. How long? Well… when was that computer in active use? Does that coincide with the therapy claims? Do you have any evidence indicating it’s active now?
I’m a former cop. When we investigated a case, we might zero in on a suspect. By law and obligation, we investigated everything that implicated AND everything that cleared the suspect. If we were comfortably certain he was guilty of the crime he was charged. Once the charge was made we would carry on investigating to bolster the case, to fill in gaps and raise the confidence level. In other words: the original charge could be based on a lot less than the case presented in front of a judge.
I am going to suggest a comparable approach for you.
One caveat though: Did your attorney tell you that infidelity impacted divorce in any way? If not then just read on and skip this warning. If infidelity does impact divorce then check with the attorney what sort of proof you need. While you are at it check if there is an alienation of affection law in your state…
You already know there was/is an affair.
You know enough of the scope of the affair to know it’s a Grade A, Red Alert, load and lock your guns level affair.
Confront her. Simply tell her that the reason you have been acting strange lately is because you know she had an affair. You have seen messages and pictures of her and OM [including pics of her and OM in your bedroom and your bed : edited to take this out because I would not tell her too much at once - see later].
OK – normally we suggest not confronting until you have evidence. Well… you have evidence. You have enough to convince YOU there was/is an affair. That’s all you need. This isn’t a court of law. You don’t need DNA and fingerprints. All you need is enough to convince YOU. Frankly friend, then knowing they met each other 5 times in NY rather than 2 times won’t make the difference. To use the cop-case comparison: Knowing the suspect stabbed the victim 6 times rather than 2 times didn’t make the victim any less dead or the suspect less of a murderer.
When you confront her you simply tell her enough to convince her you know.
“Who is Michael? Why have I seen photos of you kissing a man whom I think is named Michael? Why have I read love letters between the two of you?”
Then you stand your ground.
You let her know that YOU are convinced there was an affair and if she denies it then it’s HER job to convince you she’s right.
You let her know that AS IS the ONLY reason you haven’t filed is you want to give her a chance to tell you the complete unabridged truth. This is a key element: She must be convinced that she has a choice: She can lie, either directly or by omission, or she can tell you the truth.
You let her know that now you are trying to find reasons to remain married, but that you are 100% convinced that you don’t want to live in a marriage that is a lie. She has this one-time offer of being honest and letting you know the truth. You tell her that her response NOW will be the decisive factor on if you will file NOW or if you will commit to a cooling-off period and some attempt to save the marriage. But it’s totally dependent on you being convinced you have the truth.
By feeding her as little as you can you retain some info to evaluate her response. For example, if she says Michael was only a friend and it was only kissing… well… you know better. If she tells you they only had sex once in a hotel-room… If she tells you he’s never been to your town or your house…
You use this info to evaluate what she tells you and to prod for the info you need. You might want to make a list: name of OM, where they met, first time, how often, how communicated, is it over, how can she convince you it’s over…
You can feed her bits and pieces of what you know. Its normal that she be afraid to confess and will minimize. That’s human nature. But once she is uncertain on what YOU know and believes that you are ready to walk away then she will talk.
One important thing to get across (and for you to realize) is that ANY truth NOW will do less damage than any truth learned later. If she were to tell you NOW that they had sex in the kitchen while you were upstairs… believe it or not that would hurt LESS than learning 12 months from now and 12 months into therapy and counseling that they once kissed in public at the airport.
My approach demands a lot of inner strength but it’s like pulling a band-aid off a severe sore. I’m suggesting you yank it off in one go and then evaluate the gaping sore underneath by prodding and examining it in the open.
As is I worrying you are digging and digging and making assumptions about transactions. Maybe the correct assumptions, but still assumptions. I am one of the fortunate ones that walked in on my spouse having sex with OM. I say fortunate because my imagination could create worse pictures than the one engraved in my memory. IMHO, you know enough to start working on a fact-based basis rather than an assumption-based basis.
Finally: I hope you accept that your destination is out of infidelity and that there are only two realistic paths to that destination. It doesn’t really matter what YOU want. If your WW refuses to name OM or tell the complete truth then the path of R is closed to you. D is the ONLY path YOU can select and head towards without her approval. This message must get across to her if you want to R and YOU need to be TOTALLY unafraid of heading to D if she refuses what is needed to R.
I’m falling into my own trap and ASSUMING you would want to reconcile the marriage. After all – it’s been a long one and it sounds like you two were OK until this came to daylight. The KEY to reconciliation is that she tells you the truth and that you accept the truth. This is not the same as accepting or condoning the affair, but IF she did something with OM that is relevant to your marriage then knowing it and dealing with it is the ONLY way forward.
[This message edited by Bigger at 4:07 AM, November 17th (Friday)]
