SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:07 AM, October 12th (Sunday)]

First of all, you do not have a marriage right now. To your wife you are the guy that goes to work, pays the bills and takes care of the children. You are not her partner - you may as well be a glorified employee. Therefore you are faced with the following choice: 1) Build a new marriage with your wife, or 2) Divorce. Status quo is not acceptable.

I guess a lot will come out of the session tomorrow (or after the session if I want answers).

Cancel the session. If you still get billed because you haven't given notice within 24 hours, then pay it - but don't go. You will get nothing constructive this early in the game. This is what you need to drill into your head. You can only rebuild the marriage AFTER both of you want to continue. Right now she is playing you.

As cold & unemotional as it sounds, this is similar to chess. She has taken your Queen and now you are in a tough position. To gain a greater advantage, she makes the following demand: "I want to separate for 6 months". However, by making this move she jeopardizes her own Queen. By not going to the MC session, you are refusing to let her take control. Whilst she reacts to that (if she is capable), the next move would be to call her bluff. You could either print out divorce papers and pretend, or if you have had enough of being humiliated you could go to a lawyer and get it for real. Force the game away from your King, and start pressuring hers.

Furthermore, tell her that there are two requirements for you to go to MC with her.

1) She has to give up the identity of her buddy.

2. She has to confess to her parents.

If she refuses, then there is no marriage to save. Nuke the relationship and move on as best you can.

Personally, from hard experience, I would go to the MC session. Drive there together. In the session, I would start by asking her if she wants to remain married. Yes or no, no maybes. Maybe equals no.

If she says yes, I would demand -- then and there -- that she hand over all her electronics, and write down all her passwords. And that she pledge to NC. And that she make earning a chance for R her #1 priority in life.

If she were to refuse any of these demands, I would hand her the divorce papers and walk out intent on starting a new life.

If I had done something like this when I first found out I might have saved my marriage. If it could have been saved. And I certainly would have avoided the worst pain I have ever felt in my life, which includes severe major depressions and kidney stones.

Just saying.

Thanks Mhca, that is essentially my plan tomorrow with the exception I won't have the actual divorce papers with me.

We can't save face in this. When a spouse has an affair, he or she is basically taking your marriage and dragging it through the mud. People see the mud on your face. It's uncomfortable. We talk about sanctity (not in the political sense). What that can mean is just that when you're married, you have this sanctuary. Affairs wreck that.

So, no regrets on how you react. Just be yourself and be as strong as you can be. You will doubt yourself. You will wish you had handled specific conversations differently. You will worry that there was a magic phrase you could have said one day (and tomorrow will be a big day for that) that would have changed everything.

It really doesn't work that way. Whatever demons she possesses are working within her own mind. She doesn't care what you think. If she did, she wouldn't have started the affair in the first place.

By letting her know that you want to proceed with divorce if she is unwilling to reverse course immediately, well, that could get through to her. Especially if she believes you're serious. But you have to be careful. If you make promises and don't follow through, she'll start tuning you out.

Honestly, I don't think many people save or don't save marriages in these instances. Whatever will happen is already in her head. You will only decide the timeline to a limited extent.

Good luck, today. I don't know if you're preparing yourself for the worst (re: MC), but please do. The session is likely to be very revealing. Be prepared to feel like you are in a parallel universe. My guess is that your wife wants to go to MC only to save face. This way she can say, "we tried marriage counseling, etc.".

I would want to know what has changed from January to now. In January, she wanted a Divorce. Why does she now want a six month separation?

Here's an adage from this site, which I think holds a lot of water. It's common sense, really. "There can be no reconciliation, without remorse." The question is, how can someone NOT be remorseful. The answer is hard to take. It's because they want out, or just cold blooded don't care any more (even though there are children in the equation, etc.)

Oh and btw, you're doing well. Dealing with no remorse is hard to take, as a BS, but no regret???!!? WTF. That's some cold blooded stuff there, brother.

Good luck, today. Please do one thing above all else. Hold your head high. You did not do this or cause this. Hold your head high.

So you know your wife is going to roll out her plan (6 month separation) during MC. DO NOT ACCEPT this plan -- She is basically saying that she doesn't want to deal with getting a divorce while dating. If you write in D/S forum you will see that a lot of WW try this.

Might want to read mhca profile. It's a tough read in what she put him through... just stringing him along. Think of what you are going to say at MC when she ask you why you wont give her 6 months.

-- Will not share my wife

-- Being apart isn't going to fix us.

-- you should know now if you want this to work.

If she chooses to work on the marriage getting the OM name is a must.

If she chooses to D - 180 hard while you work on getting your ducks in a row.

So sorry this is happening to you, you deserve and will find much better.

I am very anxious this morning. Assuming the end is near. Nomistake--the end of your post really resonated and made me cry. I feel like today is going to be Friday all over again and not sure I can handle that.

I do need to hold my head high though and you are right, I didn't cause this or do this.

Thanks for the support.

Sending you strength and resolve today.

Remember you can and should demand the respect you or any married person deserves.

My XW did the same thing, Shocked. Wanted separation so she could have me do all the family logistics while she test drove other men. I nipped it in the bud when she moved out of our home and pressed for D. Oh, how her demeanor changed when she knew I was serious about going through with D. Unfortunately for her I meant it.

Your WW is rewriting to try and shape the conclusion of your M to rationalize and justifying the cheating. That's why we push you to expose. You tell her parents exactly what she said to you and they will constantly question and challenge her rewrite attempt from that point forward. Yes, blood is thicker than water and you may be concerned about how your relationship with her parents may play out in the future, but it is your WW that was the catalyst of that traumatic change in your life. Your responsibility is to survive it for you and your kids.

Zed's chess analogy fits well in describing how this battle for control of how the situation is playing out. I would go further and just kick the board and pieces away, put my own board and pieces and tell her "These are my rules. Play by them and you have a chance to stay in the M. You don't and you are out of the game."

I myself wasted 6 MC sessions where my XW just repeated the same thing over and over, revealing nothing new. I was doing all the talking. It was a waste of time because she was still meeting with the OM. But if you feel you need to go to MC to get some answers then you do what feel. Just don't expect too much or for a change of direction to occur in that one session.

Good luck today, brother.

It's okay to cry - we all did too.

The session will only result in one thing. You will come out of there with your headspinning from all the blameshifting and twisted logic that a WW comes out with.

It will be even worse if the MC has the common belief that cheaters normally have good reason to cheat (i.e. that the BS is somehow to blame)

Be prepared for the onslaught of marital rewrite.

Thanks to this forum I was able to head that shit off at the pass. I told my now ex exactly what the situation was and the MC agreed. Ex refused to go back there ever again because she was unable to persuade me or the MC that her twisted blameshifting was the truth

At this point you don't really have a marriage to counsel.

Sending you strength and courage. Good luck today.

eta - added "luck" since my brain seemed to have skipped.

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 10:22 AM, September 24th (Wednesday)]

Your thread breaks my heart because she is so cruel and seems to enjoy hurting you. What type of person tells her husband and father to her two kids that she had sex with OM and enjoyed it?

Or -

I want 6 months to think about our marriage but I'm not sure if I'm going to sleep around or not.

Nobody deserves to be treated this way. From reading your posts you have a lot going for you. 39 is still young, you have a good group of friends that support you and your a good father. Yes, you do deserve more.

allatsea is right there are some good MC that will see her "separation idea" as Crazy talk but there are others that might think a separation might save the marriage (DON'T listen to them).

If she does decide to D at MC I would tell her parents. Something simple like - we are getting a divorce because I don't like your daughters boyfriend. I personally, don't think you should be sleeping around with other people when you are married. Why? Because WW might feel some shame. Might see some consequences for her actions. Yes, they might take her side but they aren't going to be proud of her.

Also, see a lawyer - Many people put this off because it makes thinks too real. But what it really does is put things in perspective.

We will all be thinking about you. Either way you will get through this.

I have so much anxiety right now I feel I could have a heart attack any moment. These feelings are horrible. It's really due to getting over the denial phase I guess. Trying to push through to reality that this really could be the end.

I'll post here this afternoon after the appointment. Thanks again everyone for the support.

If we do decide to D today I am definitely telling the parents.

And by we I mean me

Can you get a prescription for valium. Just a small dosage like 2mg helped me a great deal.

I am not one to even like drugs of any kind, but it can help once in a while.

I second the Valium idea. It helps with getting to sleep, too, so two birds with one stone.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts today and wishing you strength.

I know it's awful and so very stressful... but, honestly, it's better than living in limbo. That just eats at your soul. Push for an answer and you will start on your road to healing sooner, rather than later.

Tell her parents what she's done in her own words. Otherwise, she will rewrite history and this is the context in which the grandparents of your children will interact with you. I've seen this in action IRL. Stand up for yourself as a man of integrity and honor. You deserve to be treated as such.

Good luck today. Deep breaths. Slow, deep breaths. They help.

Sending MOJO. You've got this. This is a simple, yet complex equation. Taking the emotion out (i know), your right, she's wrong.

Hold on to that tightly. No matter what she tries to justify herself with, your on the side of the angels here.

Strength brother