SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since the example post is quite likely a fabrication, I'm going to speak in hypotheticals.

As to the group sex, xbviously, the lying would be troubling. I have no issue whatsoever being involved with a woman who had group sex before me, but no matter what the subject matter, lying about one's past is a really, really bad way to launch a relationship. Truth tends to come out in trickle fashion over time, often in unexpected ways.

As to the enthusiasm shown in the sex tape, I think everybody wants to feel sexually desired by one's partner. If I were in a relationship with a woman who I felt sexually desired and enjoyed me, seeing a video like that would not bother me in the least, including the idea that she experimented with sexual acts, decided she doesn't like them, and therefore no longer does them. I personally have done that.

If, on the other hand, I had doubts about her sexual desire for me, a nagging feeling that sex is less than it could be because for her it's a burden or a chore with me, and I saw that level of desire with other men, I'd probably feel pretty bad. Married men -- maybe not all, but many -- are nagged at least sometimes by the worry that their wives chose them because they were "safe". For a man, getting married means sacrificing the opportunity for new sex with new women. Most men I know, including me, feel that this is an opportunity cost of marriage. We enjoy new sex with new women. If we find out we've given 20 or 30 years of that away for a woman who is tepid for us sexually, it's going to make us question our decision to commit.

Hypothetical (or not, for some of y’all):

You become sexually involved with a woman who tells you she doesn’t enjoy or do certain sex acts. You enjoy the sex acts and would prefer she were at least willing to try, with you, but she refuses. You marry her anyway, because you are compatible in other ways and you love her.

Then you find out she had done the acts with other partners. Possibly enjoyed those things, possibly not; possibly enjoyed with some partners but not others. Whatever. Suddenly you are so upset that you wish you hadn’t married her, or even contemplate divorce.

Why was she “good enough,” so to speak, to marry—even without doing the acts with you—but becomes less so (or not at all) if you find out she’d done them with others? Wouldn’t it be logical that if a woman is a good choice for you without the acts, she’s a good choice without the acts, whether or not she had done them with other men? Either way, you wouldn’t be doing ____ with her, so why does it matter?

DF -

For me I would never believe that she didnt settle for me for security reasons. I was the safer choice over the guys that she prefers to fuck. No guy wants to be "settled for".

Possibly enjoyed those things, possibly not; possibly enjoyed with some partners but not others.

To me, this question would boil down to one of those "ephemeral matters of the heart", a feeling or sense. The simple fact that she did things before and doesn't do them now, that's a non-issue. The more complicated matter would be if a husband formed a belief that she doesn't do these things with him because she is not particularly sexually attracted to him, or does not feel much desire for him. Sexual brio can be a manifestation of sexual desire. I'm aware that in one's younger years, during the "experimental period", this desire could be non-specific to a particular sex partner: merely a desire to try something to feel what it's like.

But it can also be a manifestation of desire for a specific partner.

Each relationship is unique on this issue, and the feeling of desiring, or being desired, is built on unspoken communication for the most part.

I think that most men -- certainly me -- would not feel badly about a wife's prior acts if they felt confident in the sense that the wife has sexual desire for them at present.

I can agree with all that, BFTG.

In the story though, with him always getting uninspired vanilla, it would be understandable for him to think she wasn't into him sexually.

I am not so special as to think that my thoughts and feelings are an outlier, so I suspect that many may feel along the same lines as I do.

I think the root issue in situation such as this is that we all would like to believe we are getting the best from our spouse. That they are putting in more effort for us than anyone else before us. We are all different in how we feel that effort, in how we feel as if we are the best, that our partners are giving us their best. That they are putting in the most effort for us and our relationship goes a long way towards making the past irrelevant in terms a negative point of comparison.

For my wife and I, the fact that she enthusiastically engages, initiates, and is active and present in what ever we do shows me that I am getting her best. Sure there are specific acts that she has done in the past that she really doesn't care about doing again, however, she has never categorically removed anything from the table for any reason.

For instance, she has engaged in multiple threesomes. She did them in a convoluted attempt at getting her cheating husband to stop cheating on her, or at least be present for the cheating so she could rationalize that he was not cheating. She said that they were awkward, but enjoyable, and not something she is generally closed to ever doing again, but... she has said it is something she has no desire in ever doing with me because the thought of seeing me with another woman makes her feel physically ill. Since it is not something I am overly fussed about trying, that makes it easier to accept this, but communicating and understanding her reason why, and it's not an issue. Well, that, and the fact that she swallows, when she'd never really done that with anyone before me...

I think most people are reasonable enough to understand why some specific acts would be off the table, and easily accept that some we can't physically do any more, dangers that we didn't recognize when we were younger, associated trauma, triggers. Turning around and actively exploring and engaging in things that one CAN do goes a really long way.

[This message edited by straha20 at 8:53 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

Golden,

But don’t men do that all the time? Marry a girl for reasons other than her being the best fuck? Isn’t that where the phrase “There are girls you fuck, and girls you marry” comes from? In that case, should she consider herself “settled for”?

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 9:00 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

Isn’t that where the phrase “There are girls you fuck, and girls you marry” comes from?

I'm more of a "Lady in public and a whore in the sheets" supporter.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 9:03 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

I wonder if sex with her in their M is really as vanilla as he's describing?

Right now, he's feeling rejection. So he might be saying that she's given him vanilla sex - but does he actually know that? She might actually be giving him her best and her most authentic and her most meaningful.

Or said another way - he feels deeply rejected because she's been giving him sweet potato fries while he feels she gave everyone else Yukon Golds. But how does he know that sweet potato fries aren't her favorites now?

That's not to dismiss feelings on either side of this. I think this couple has a lot to work through. I'm not trying to dismiss his feelings of rejection - just pointing out that maybe, she might actually see it differently than him. His post contains a lot of negative assumptions when he assumes that she gave others more than him. She might actually be giving him more - through meaning, authenticity, and love. But those are conversations that couple needs to have with each other. I wish them the best in working through their pain.

Yukon golds

Glad I could make you laugh.

Straha, I just have to say, that was very well said.

[This message edited by Loukas at 9:28 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

So am I, Golden. But my point was that it’s a real mindset—as RIO always says, stereotypes are stereotypes because there is prevalent truth in them.

Silver...

Your post is probably very close to what is happening in the scenario given.

Unfortunately, her lies (that she initiated in convo) are going to make all of her authenticity and love irrelevant to the OP. And the video will make her authenticity and love be resented.

But don’t men do that all the time? Marry a girl for reasons other than her being the best fuck?

Sure, and women do too. Again, speaking personally, I don't need to feel like I was her best fuck ever. I do, thought, want to feel desired and enjoyed. I think women want to feel that from their husbands also. The troubles with past stuff arise often in the context of a spouse who does not presently feel desired/enjoyed.

I'm more of a "Lady in public and a whore in the sheets" supporter.

But GoldenR, how can you be a supporter if it would be a dealbreaker for you?

ibonnie, I think he means whore in the sheets for HIM.

The troubles with past stuff arise often in the context of a spouse who does not presently feel desired/enjoyed

That makes sense.

But GoldenR, how can you be a supporter if it would be a dealbreaker for you?

Dealbreaker for me is pretty much just multiple guys at once. Its something I won't participate in and I don't want my SO to be into that either.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 10:52 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

ibonnie, I think he means whore in the sheets for HIM.

Right...call me a pussy or whatever, but casual sex has never been for me. If I'm having sex with a girl, I'm really into her a lot more than just sexually.