SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Another thing I notice on many sites is how people want to feel sorry for women when they cheat. They will say the OM is a predator and try to make the OM a villain. Well the OM is a piece of crap

I cannot tell how often i see that, and moreover that when women cheat, it must be the man's fault and so on.

Although on another forum I have seen the opposite.

I cannot agree more with you Ghost, so many sad stories with betrayed spouses and in your case like many betrayed men, in terms of relating context, when a firm hand is not applied, so many get run over or delude themselves that they are in R only to find out months later that the affair went underground.

I do have a question, had you caught her in the emotional ramp up before it got physical, would there be a different outcome?

I get your reasons, totally as graphic as they are. Many demean "sex as a reason to divorce in of itself." I have always argued, that we cannot be "thought police" it is the action, the final line that is crossed with that "action."

Keep us updated.

[This message edited by atreides at 9:41 AM, March 20th (Friday)]

SG,

I totally admire the way you handled your situation. You stood up for your values, for yourself and you were honest about how you felt about your wife after the situation. You know the way you feel about your wife has changed and instead of trying to R you are walking away because that is the right thing for you and your situation.

I realize there are people whom, to this day, have been successful in their attempts at R. I also see how many have attempted R and only been disappointed, and further dragged through the ringer (yet again) by multiple infidelities. If you look at the odds, the real chance of true lasting R is very very very slim. There are many who just don't want to play those odds and, like SG, there are some whose feelings towards their WS have forever changed making it impossible to have the kind of healthy, loving and trusting relationship that we all deserve.

I think it is great that there are people out there who can, and will, support R. We need people who can be the supporters to those who make that choice. However, if someone does not wish to R members should either be supportive or keep their opinions to themselves once someone is attempting to move on.

By the middle of the thread SG was not asking for opinions on what to do, of ways to look at his situation, he was asking for support in his choice. There are people who will change their mind and return back to an attempted R, and of course those supporters of R can be there to support them. Otherwise we need to support the choices they make. Once it changes from "what would you do" or "What do you thing" to "This is my decision" it would be nice to have that choice be respected.

Good for you SG. It sounds like you are doing a great job and thank you for continuing to post!!!

Hoops.

I absolutely agree with you 100%.

Space Ghost is my hero and I, for one, always supported his choices. His posts have garnered such intense interest, because we were in awe of his courage, emotional control, and clear boundaries. Reading/watching his unimaginably idiotic WW throw such a beautiful marriage and H away almost in real time was a stunning experience.

If my stbxwh had wanted to stick with the marriage, I know for a fact I would have and was devastated that he could have cared less.

In retrospect, however, as I have seen on here how almost impossible it is to R and that those who do spend years in pain only to have the marriage end anyway, I have come to realize that my stbxwh did me a sort of fucked up favor by choosing OW. I admire those that have been able to R successfully, but, like you said, it seems to be extremely rare.

It is two years out for me, and I am still hurting, but I can only imagine the pain I would be in had there been false Rs, broken NCs, or more infidelities - more years wasted; and at age 54, I did not have those years to waste.

The truth is that my stbxwh didn't love me. That's a painful stunner. I now recognize many blatant red flags that my low self esteem and terror of abandonment would not allow me to see. Oh how I wish I had had Space Ghost's adamant boundaries and regard for the self. His is not selfishness, but rather an empowered strength born out of his childhood experiences. Had I had his courage, I could have either kept dday from happening or ended the marriage a decade ago. Hell, I probably wouldn't have married him in the first place.

But, alas, "such as we are made of, such we be."

I can only now use Space Ghost's example and the lessons I have learned from my own devastating experiences to grow, move forward with confidence, and create an authentic, empowered last chapter of this life I have been given.

Blessings to us all on these most painful of life's journeys. May we choose empowerment over self abnegation, love over hatred, trust over worry, and forgiveness over bitterness.

[This message edited by goingtothrive at 12:07 PM, March 21st (Saturday)]

Hoops, Goingtothrive, very well said.

If anyone thinks I am handling this right or wrong I am willing to listen. I just don't see any option other and Divorce.

This is a quote directly from Spaceghost on page 32. He is still asking for opinions as to whether he is handling this right or wrong. Again, if he only wants assurance that divorce is the right decision, there is a forum specifically for that advice. The fact that he is still posting the way he is indicates that he still wants opinions in all directions.

If he wants to divorce, he should divorce. If his wife is unremorseful, he should definitely divorce. But as long as he is coming back 32 pages into his thread asking if he's making the right decision, there is no harm in people who think he should consider reconcilation giving that opinion. And this is coming from someone who actually agrees that he should divorce at this point. You don't have to like the advice given here but until he says he doesn't welcome it, asks that the thread be locked, or moves to the divorce thread, there is no reason for ANYONE to keep their opinions to themselves. He didn't ask only for opinions that agreed with his. He asked if anyone felt he was handling things right or wrong.

I don't remember who said it because it was a couple pages back, but they advised to detach your emotions.

I completely agree with that. Your emotions are 100% valid and you have every right to feel them, but she doesn't deserve to know what they are.

Now that I'm divorced, I'm noticing that when I do have to have contact with my XWH when either of us show emotion it makes things much more difficult. It keeps a connection open.

For me, I am an emotional person and I don't want to generalize that all women are, but it seems like your WW is, too. I know when my XWH would show me emotions that indicated he was struggling with our S/D or what happened between us I would feel closer to him and like we might stay married, I wanted to rescue him and help him. (I realize now I was severely codependent) (I originally didn't want divorce but am now glad we got divorced)

So, my point is, feel your emotions, work through them, but sharing them with her won't help anything. She knows what she did and knows that it affected you so badly that you filed for divorce. but the more emotions she is shown, I think the harder it is for her to detach, too.

I really hope that made sense.

SG hope you are doing well. You know you the best and know what you want from here on out.

You get better a little at one time. Once and awhile take some time to look back and compare how you are doing today to say a month ago.

Keep on keeping on.

I have to agree with comments about how WW can sometimes be portrayed in society (not on SI fairest site I have seen in that regard) as a "victim of circumstance."

Your W may be remorseful, she may not have wanted this to happen, but it did. Further she choose to do this knowing what it would mean. All actions have consequences. It can't be undone and you know that. I give you kudos for recognizing that early on. I wish I had.

Take what you need and leave the rest. Not everyone can or should reconcile.

A fact I remind myself of at least once everyday. Even this far out.

Do right by yourself, that is all you can do.

I do have a question, had you caught her in the emotional ramp up before it got physical, would there be a different outcome?

In my case it would have mattered greatly. After I discovered the texting trail on my cell bill, I told my XWW that I would divorce her if she ever talked to OM again. I had no intention of D'ing her over a EA but I made it know to her that I would not tolerate her so-called friendship. I was pissed off but the EA was something I could get over. Unfortunately, they took it underground. During the following year it became a PA.

For me, the moment she spread her legs, or anything else, for OM...divorce was the only option. I just didn't know it or maybe I refused to believe it at the time. This is strange coming from a man that always believed that Cheating = Divorce which I did immediately after my first XWW cheated on me a couple decades ago. I did come to the conclusion this time as well, but it did take me a year. Part of the delay in making the decision was lack of proof, her lying and me deciding if I could ever look at her the same again. We were also married for 16 years as opposed to 2 like the first time.

In the end...I wasted over a year of my life...actually more like 3 if you start with the first D day.

Based on my experience, If he doesn't think he can get passed this, Ghost has made the right choice from day one. He has saved himself years of pain and frustration in the long run. He will begin and comlete the healing process much faster.

[This message edited by Decimated at 2:46 PM, March 23rd (Monday)]

SG,

I've read many different posts and I have started to think Am I WRONG or what is going on with these people (Not offending anyone). I know it is hard to loose the wife/husband that you love, the family, your home, the social life that you have and you can keep on counting things, and the most important ones are the broken vows and to loose the person that you were counting on growing old with.

You know what, I don't accept or understand anyone who is able to underestimate himself/herself to step up and do what they have to do. Once a baby is born it means that he/she is already a winner among 15-20 Millions other possibilities to come to this world. You live once, and it is up to you how you do it no matter what life brings up. It is YOUR choice.

On the other hand, people talk about global warming / wars / natural disasters so we need to leave a better environment to our kids and no body pay attention that our society morals are dying day by day so what do you think will come next. People starts to accept cheating as a poor choice and attempt to reconcile for the sake of the family and the kids. Well day by day the morals are fading and guess what you are not doing any good to your kids. the coming generations are going to see it as a normal thing and it has started already "OPEN MARRIAGE".

SG you have done the right thing, I feel with you and hope that you overcome your pain and find a better partner that you deserve to spend the rest of your life with. Hang on Bro and let us here your good news from now on.

Sorry if I have offended anybody, I just want to make my point.

no offense intended to anyone

a read "between the lines" vindictiveness

the inability to 'forgive'

I'm so very lucky - she stayed long enough for me to realize I needed to pay attention to her.

Good Luck SpaceGhost -

*Please do not post links to other sites*

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:35 AM, April 3rd (Friday)]

Let me begin by saying I empathize with you. I can honestly say I didn't see this coming until my wife said she wasn't happy in our marriage. I eventually found out - at work, on 14 April 2014 so my 1 year anti-versary is approaching. Nothing like having your wife tell you she had a PA with someone you know while you’re in an enclave at work.

The next several months after this were hard but better as I listened to God and began to make real changes in my marriage. I realized I had been a pretty lousy spouse. We both had been horrible to each other. I've suffered from depression for years and had gone off my meds. I've been back on them for 15 months and it has helped considerably. It does NOT excuse what my wife did but it does help me understand her decisions. She was in a marriage with a cold, heartless, non-empathetic person. I only had sympathy for one person - me.

I can understand why you feel your wife is damaged goods. I feel the same way sometimes but I also realize I am damaged too. The day I found out I was prepared to end it. This was the hardest, worst, most destructive event that had ever happened to me. I trusted my wife. I loved my wife - I just didn't say it... I went into 'self-destruct' mode in order to stop the emotional trauma I was experiencing. My world had come to an end. Side note: Don’t listen to Ozzy Osbourne “I’ll see you on the other side when depressed.” It doesn’t help.

I want to try, try, try, to give you a different perspective as it relates to your life now and possibly in the future. Someone on this site once said to me concerning other relationships that it is, “Better the devil you know than the devil you don't.” Starting a new relationship won’t take your pain away or make you doubt them. My point here is that you have a wife that is sorry for making a huge ass mistake. My wife was sorry to. We ALL make mistakes SpaceGhost. Even though you never had an A doesn’t mean you never had thoughts about other women, because I did. I thought about them. I’m not here to lecture you. I just want you to possibly see that you BOTH failed. The Bible says that, “even if you look at another woman with adulterous thoughts you have already committed adultery with her in your heart.” We have ALL FAILED.

When I told my wife I didn’t think I could ever get past this she started to get ready to walk out. But God spoke to me and told me to stop her. I put my hand on the door and asked her to stay. I ASKED HER TO STAY. I loved my wife and didn’t know what to do next but I didn’t want my marriage to end. I needed to fight for it. My wife later said that when I did that she knew God had something different for us. So she stayed. I know this is contrary to popular belief. I have to ask a question though my friend. Have you ever thought what your part was in all of this? An affair is never a one sided event. I played a part. You played a part. Have you really thought hard and deep on that. It’s worth doing.

I still wake up in the middle of the night wondering why. But when I do my wife is laying there next to me. I snuggle with her every night. I never did that before I found out about the A. It has been HARD. But we are still moving forward. I don’t want to give up and I don’t want you to give up on her either. Again, I know how you feel. The mind movies haven’t stopped in 349 days but my relationship with my wife is better than it has ever been. I once asked God how to forgive her for what she did. I was looking for a formula. Something quick and to the point. Instead His response to me was - gradually. Gradually? Gradually. Forgiveness isn’t for her, forgiveness is for you. It doesn’t mean you will ever forget. It means that you see her as a broken, sinful person that made a very bad decision. Think what might happen if you told her you forgive her for what she did to you and you stay in the marriage. Your wife will never look at you in the same way. Forgiveness is hard to give but when you do it can change LIVES. Just think about it.

I just wanted to say a couple of things and give an update on my status. I am divorcing my wife so that is the end of that story. It is going to happen even if she does not want a divorce.

I saw the last two posts and read some of the "Why Women Cheat" links and it just makes me want to end the marriage that much sooner. The links sure put a positive spin on why women cheat. But it just makes me want to never talk to her again.

My wife cheated because she wanted too. I will never take the blame for it. I honestly was in my marriage and she is free to move on with her life and screw as many guys as she wants. Now she never claimed I was not there for her. She never claimed our sex life was bad. I did my best and if that was not enough well good luck to her.

They make it sound like it is empowering for women to cheat. My wife could have talked to me and said I was a lousy lay. She could have said I was not spending my time with her. She could have told me she wanted to date other people. She did not do any of those things.

I was a good husband. My wife had no reason to cheat. If she thought otherwise she should have said something or divorced me instead of cheating. She did not communicate any unhappiness in the marriage at all.

Since I filed for divorce she has conveyed to me she was happy with our life. She made poor choices and did a horrible thing. She is sorry and wishes she had not done it. My thought is she will have that experience in her next relationship.

I don't want to hear anything about staying with her anymore. It is not going to happen. I hope she finds happiness while I find another woman who I can trust.

So divorce is going to happen and I am hoping to have it wrapped up within two months. My wife is still struggling and trying to get me to give her a chance but it won't happen. I will start dating again within 2 months I want to move on with my life. She is free to date now I really do not care.

That is the status of this now. I am moving on with my life and no contact has helped me so much. I miss her but not so much anymore. She is trying to make more contact with me but I am keeping her at a distance. It has helped me heal.

Nothing to special to report. I will come back when there is something else to report.

SG, I 100% agree.

There are unfortunately many folks who believe the road to R should be paved with the betrayed taking blame. A lot of them are marriage counselors, believe it or not.

My wife cheated and betrayed because she was a spiteful, selfish, screwed up bitch. Period.

I am on the R road because she gets that and is working on it. Because she is working on it, I am trying to be better as well. That was my choice, and like I said above, if my circumstances were yours, I would have gone for D.

Good luck SG.

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 9:41 PM, March 29th (Sunday)]

SG

I respect what you did SOOOO MUCH. Im in recon, but I felt just like you during Dday. ( still do sometimes) I didnt pull the trigger like you did.....sometimes I wish I did..... and, im just wondering what youre really going thru.

Can you talk of the positives you have felt since leaving? Has the disconnection burnt you out, physically,mentally? What was the "withdrawl" like? How are you coping with this drastic change?

I know thats alot of questions.....but thats what Im wonderin.I suspect other guys might be too. Get back when ever. No rush.

I sincerly wish you the best of luck sir.

Sounds like you have your confidence and know what you want for your future. That's great. I'm in the process of R but if my WW tried to shift the blame of her filthy disgusting behavior I'd cease the R immediately and kick her cheating ass to the curb. She has fully owned her lying cheating nasty ways and has asked my help to help her be a better person and show me she's worth another chance. I can't guarantee I won't go your route some day. I know I can date very easily. I keep myself in good shape, I'm successful, and unlike my wife, I understand what commitment means.

SG, been reading your thread. I wish I had your resolve when my XWW did the same thing, and like you many people told me to give her another chance. I did, three times and after the last I was a broken shell of a man. You deserve to be happy and if it means leaving the WW that is your choice. Good luck on your next journey. Hope you find happiness. I did and today she makes me the happiest man in the world!

Thanks for the update, I'm happy to hear the strength in your posts.

How are your kids doing?

Are you in counselling?

Best wishes!

SG,

I admire the fact that you have reached a decision that you are comfortable with, you are an inspiration to many here.

May your new beginning bring you peace, love and happiness.

[This message edited by earthangel at 6:11 AM, March 30th (Monday)]

I hope she finds happiness while I find another woman who I can trust.

If I were in your shoes, I'd get a part time job as an on-call IT professional for an apartment complex full of divorced women. Just sayin'

SG,

You don't need anyone else to tell you that you are doing the right thing as you know it.

Hey remorseful people stop talking about remorse as you all deep down wish you had the strength that SG has. Just give him your best wishes to be happy the way he wants it to be.