SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

[This message edited by Western at 9:05 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

Bump

Sorry all. I had to. This thread is valuable and is disappearing. I think the new people here need to read it

[This message edited by Western at 9:04 PM, May 19th (Tuesday)]

SpaceGhost, if you are reading this, please do come back and give us an update. You have been a model on how to handle this sort of situation which would be very helpful to many of us here.

SG ... you're my hero.

One of them gave me her number and I asked her if she was married. She said technically she was but her and her husband have a bad marriage and she will be leaving him. I told her I just got rid of my cheating wife and I did not want to be with another one ever in my life. You would have thought she would have been mad at me but she said she understood and smiled. It is like you cannot get away from this kind of crap. I have no sympathy for people who cheat.

Wooow...in another dimension she really just put her face up her butt. She must of felt so stupid...hilarious! Wish you the best.

[This message edited by destiny777 at 2:42 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Thanks, Western, for bumping this. I was just wondering today about SpaceGhost and how he might be doing. One of the most helpful threads I've read here.

Mozi,

He posted on UAB's thread a few days ago and said he'll post an update soon.

I agree with you completely, it was an outstanding thread, one that so many can learn from. I just didn't want it to die in the back pages , therefore the bump.

I am looking forward to his update

Yes me too - was a really difficult situation for him what with her being so remorseful at the end, but he handled it like a champ!

I read that you may start dating right after divorce.. Just be kind to yourself..

Some of the damage we suffer from betrayal in marriage is permanent and that is normal..We find a way to work around it..

I can tell that you will be making friends with your eyes open..

I know for me it would be kind of scary to get into an intimate relationship on the heels of divorce..But that is my personal preference..

My marriage was long, difficult, I gradually lost my love and respect for the WH because of the way he often mistreated me/smothered/disrespected me..

I just want a break from an intimate partner's needs, neediness..

It will be nice to do (or not do) things my way when, where, how I want to..

Good Luck to you!

Hi everyone it has been a while. I have not been on here except for a couple of days during the week to read about other poor souls who are in the same boat as most of us. It is very hard for me to read these stories and not go back to where I was a few months ago. I also feel I am not sure I can give good advice when people are in such a bad place. Many people are in such a state a fear they fail to act.

There are so many theories on how to deal with cheaters. One site I was reading thinks that if you are a husband you should try to win her back and give it 2 years. Put up with her cheating and try to win her back. Now if you are the wife it says you should try at the most for a couple of months then you should go dark on them. The theory is that men can tolerate abuse more than women so….

Not to put down any other site but I really like this site the most. I have not posted anywhere else because this is so hard. I don’t like reliving it every minute of every day. But I did want to give those of you who did help me when I came here an update. I also think the opinions that I got here were diverse and better advice. So here is my update!

I am now in Florida living a new life now. It is so different from my old one. I was happy in my old life. We had a nice house, two great kids and a lot of good friends and family. I sure liked that life and was content to live that life forever. I had a faithful beautiful wife who I loved and life was so good. All of that is gone now and it is so different. I am not around where it all happened so it is easier to move on. I do not have to see her so it is easier to forget about her.

My daughter is visiting me now. She is still angry at her mom but she is trying to forgive. It will take time. My son is doing better now also. They both love their mom she was a great mom to them and I was a great dad. They are very close with me and we have all talked about infidelity and consequences for it. They are two great kids and I am so proud of them. But our family will never be the same.

My soon to be ExW had a long talk about a month back. She is sorry and very remorseful about what she did. She told me every detail I wanted to know about the affair.

She said she was sitting at work the day she was served thinking about me. She said she had a life women would kill for and she was thinking about what she was doing. She had a man who she thought was so handsome and good to her why would she jeopardize her marriage for her OM? She said she was smiling thinking about how much she loved me. She then was called to the front where she was served divorce papers. She said the second she knew what was happening she fell to the ground. She was on the ground crying in front of her workers and they did not know why. Almost all of her co-workers came over to her and they all thought someone had died and she just found out. She said she felt her life was over at that point. She thought about ending her life for a while. The fact that I was not there to talk with her was eating her alive.

Her friends and her also talked about this and they make life seem like a romance movie. Like I was supposed to come back in and try and fight for her from the OM. She started wondering if I even loved her if I could just toss her away. Then she started to realize that I was a man of my word who had told her this would happen and it was her own fault for what happened. She also started hating herself since it was all her own fault. Everyone who knows thinks she was an idiot. At least it makes me feel better.

I don’t think my wife knows why she did it. Other than it was a man who showed her attention and she liked the feeling of dating again. My wife could have had much better looking men or better built men so it does not make any sense to me. We talked a little about that and I asked her if she was excited to get to date other men now. She looked at me with disgust on her face and said she is not going to date anyone. She asked how I could even think that about her. I said to her that she was dating another man while we were married so I am sure it wouldn’t be a problem for her now that she was going to be single.

My wife was not in love with the OM. So to her although what she was doing was wrong she did not think it was as bad since she never told him she loved him. And listening to her talk I realized that women and men are from different planets. She said telling someone you love them that is not your spouse is far worse than having sex with them in her eyes.

I told her she can tell every man she sees every day that she loves them. They are just words and unless backed up by actions mean nothing. So I told her for a man letting him stick his thing in her body was far worse than anything she could do to me. Of course she sees this now but again too late.

So now my new life is different. It is not better but I hope one day that it is better. I am not a party animal or anything like that but I have met a couple of nice women and I have been having some fun and I will leave it at that. It has helped me forget about my wife and it has helped me heal some. I am going to Individual Counseling to help me heal also. The divorce is not final but it will be in a couple of months and there is no way that I will stop it. There has to be consequences to cheating so if you are going to do it then you have to be willing to pay the price.

So that is where I am at right now. Still golfing and I have a new social life that I enjoy. I am certain that I will never marry again. I do not see the point in it. Vows do not seem to mean anything to people. I don’t see any reason to marry and put my paycheck and assets at risk for someone who can decide they want something else and want to leave and take my money with them. After what my mom did and now my wife it does not make me want to do it ever again.

If it does not come across my life IS MUCH BETTER than when I came here because of my wife cheating. It is a process and I am not at my destination yet but I am getting there. I would not have changed a thing about how I handled this.

That is my update from your friendly SpaceGhost0007.

I don’t think my wife knows why she did it.

My wife has had years of therapy.

One day she came home, looked me straight in the eye, and told me she doesn't know why she did it, and that was the truth. All of the theories: FOO, her depression, and on and on were explanations and they had some validity but they just didn't explain it.

It was the truest words she has ever spoken about it.

Spaceghost, I have never seen a man have such clear objectives and as concentrated on achieving them as you. Many of the men (and women) here, when faced with the infidelity of their spouse, are so shell shocked that they do not react or react inappropriately. They often react with a minimum of proofs and are easily gaslighted by the cheating spouse. You have become the lighthouse on this site and although I agree with you that someone is not very good at giving advice when he (she) is in the middle of this shit, once you come out on the other side, your wisdom and experience become invaluable. We are all looking forward to hearing from you again until you have written the final chapter on this sad account of infidelity.

Of course they truly don't know why.....

Because their values are skewed. Just because SG's wife thought extramarital sex was ok if she never told the OM she loved him.....

You know what I call it?

Selfishness.

Our spouses, partners can be the best fathers, mothers or friends but when they thought they could get away with the infidelity they took their chances because they thought they would not get caught.

They thought they deserved it if their significant other would never be the wiser.

And they lost it all.

All I will say to you SG is never be afraid to marry again. Your values are awesome and would make some women a great husband.

Don't deny yourself that ultimate gift. Don't let your mother or your stbxw actions to detract from your lie in anyway.

I will leave you with this.

If your wife was as great as you say she was do not be surprised after the divorce if you find her on your door step again.

Maybe someday she will. be worthy of you again.

If you haven't already replaced her.

Glad your move is working out for you and your kids are adjusting.

And remember SG. They always affair down.

Is the OM getting divorced?

HM

Thanks for the update! You seem to be doing great, and I'm happy for you and the kids. If and when you'll have time and the will to update us again, I'm sure many people here, including myself, will be happy to hear from you again!

Best wishes

Her friends and her also talked about this and they make life seem like a romance movie. Like I was supposed to come back in and try and fight for her from the OM. She started wondering if I even loved her if I could just toss her away. Then she started to realize that I was a man of my word 

It's crazy thinking, isn't it? That women her and her friends' age could still believe this kind of fairy tale tripe. It's speaks much about their maturity. It speaks a lot about your STBXW's integrity. It's one thing to be around bad influences, it's another to allow yourself to be influenced by it. Your own morals and principals are your best guide through the darkest times and moments. She failed epically at that. I'll guarantee you one thing, her friends are feeding off this drama like it's some tragic fairy tale. Your STBXW is the sacrificial goat to these friends hunger for drama.

I tell you, SG, you're going to be just fine. It's now time to enjoy your life from this point forward the way you see fit. Marriage is not a requirement in life and and you've made enough sacrifices already. Also, thank you for following up with an update.

... And listening to her talk I realized that women and men are from different planets. She said telling someone you love them that is not your spouse is far worse than having sex with them in her eyes.

Actually, Spaceghost, your wife is the ONLY female I have ever heard that believes this....that is some crazy thinking. First of all, I can't have sex with someone unless I love them. Trust me, I tried. It was awful. Sex for me is only good when love and trust are there.

Glad you are in counseling. Glad you are doing ok.

My d is final and ex married his OW/AP. Ouch.

Blessings.

SpaceGhost

Many people are in such a state a fear they fail to act.

Couldn't be said any better. A lot of people have admired your handling of this shit sandwich. To me, the best examples of courage that you displayed that I admired most

(1) your absolute refusal to be paralyzed into inaction and gaslighted by your wife. Many would have put their head in the sand and hoped after the ridiculous explanations about her phone and the lingerie. But you were smart enough get the PI involved and get the answers you needed. For some reason, so many will do some digging and then give up because they are afraid of what they will find.

(2) your ability to absorb what must have been ENORMOUS PAIN for weeks knowing what she was doing but getting your plan in place and ready to put into action. Very few could have remained so calm in dealing with this over weeks or maybe a month or more.

Your initial post had your plan basically detailed so i am guessing since you apparently did not post here within 24 hours of the PI handing you the envelope, i imagine you went through some excruciating pain before you started posting.

[quote]She said she was sitting at work the day she was served thinking about me.

Very co-incidental. The day before she was served she seemed more concerned that she was not having fun anymore on the VAR conversation with her girlfriend. I am guessing you really do not believe this one. And I am sure she probably told you that if you had not caught her and you had been going out of town the next week that she would not have been banging away with OM>

She looked at me with disgust on her face and said she is not going to date anyone. She asked how I could even think that about her. I said to her that she was dating another man while we were married so I am sure it wouldn’t be a problem for her now that she was going to be single.

Good for you telling her about dating. Laughable that she is not going to date when as you pointed out she enjoyed the dating while she was married. Another shallow attempt to change your mind.

My wife was not in love with the OM. So to her although what she was doing was wrong she did not think it was as bad since she never told him she loved him. And listening to her talk I realized that women and men are from different planets. She said telling someone you love them that is not your spouse is far worse than having sex with them in her eyes.

At first this sounds preposterous but if you think about it it is not hard to see why women can come up with this idiotic rational. Every fucking magazine they read, the TV shows they specifically watch (soap operas) are just chocked full of positive affair experiences and glamorize them. Makes them convinced if they just fuck for the fun of it it is fine and all will end well and it will benefit their marriage and happiness. I dont recall a Mens Health article advocating how great an affair is for your marriage. You are right, her stupid friends were feeding her encouragement and envious of her, and telling her you would not leave her if you found out. too bad your story can't be published in Cosmo.

I would not have changed a thing about how I handled this.

This above is the most important thing. You will heal and have a great life because you believe the above and have followed your moral compass and principles.

Time is on your side, you live where you can do the things you like, your kids are adjusting, and you will find happiness.

best wishes Space Ghost.

[This message edited by nononsense at 7:59 PM, May 31st (Sunday)]

SpaceG, My WW Affaired in a very very similar way. She denied falling in love. She denied ever saying ILY. She said it was just for thrills and validation. She is about the same age as your WW. She really doesn't know for sure why. She says she never wanted to leave our "wonderful sweet marriage". I just don't fucking get it.

Yep, Spaceghosting right on away from a cheater is definitely the safe way to go. Probably the wisest. Are the rest of us reconcilers fools? I don't know. Probably no more than any fool who falls in love with a relative stranger-which we all do. I thought I knew my wife. Turns out I didn't get to really know my WW until we were 22 years into a marriage. Spaceghosting provides the ultimate consequence for the cheater, and probably the best closure for the betrayed.

I don't know what I would do if I didn't have three young kids in the equation. Thinking of them waking up every morning to my WW's new beau cooking them breakfast in his boxers after banging their mother all night in our bed within earshot of my kids bed rooms. My kids becoming psychologically screwed up living in this sick bizarro world situation. Half my pension being used to feed and clothe the loser SOB. My kids calling him Dad. Having to live in a trailer park while she and him stay in my house. I don't know, that might have swayed me a little towards R.

Hopefully she truly loves me and will do everything right and I fall in love with her all over again. So far, she has been doing very well for me. I'd love to find a reason to just end it all. But she never gives me good reason to. She slips and stumbles every once in awhile but always comes back strong and never gives up on me. Maybe a WS successfully reconciling-which is one of the most difficult feats I can think of, is the ultimate act of love?

I believe there are two good sound options for the Betrayed:

1. Spaceghosting

2. Reconciling

They both have there risks and benefits. If the outcome is good, that is all that matters.

SG made it very clear to his wife, infidelity will not be tolerated. She new about his family history and the trauma he endured as a child at the hands of infidelity and...she cheated anyway! Absolute premeditated disregard.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:10 PM, May 31st (Sunday)]

SG,

Glad you are well and thanks for the update.

I will emphasize a few things here.

1) You can give people good advice. Don't think you can't. Many people here could learn from your decisiveness and tactics that you employed to rid yourself of the infidelity.

2) Some of these websites get crazy with the things you are told. This one is the best I've seen. Being told on a site that you 'have to win your wife back' is insane. The reason she is your wife is so that you have stability and not have to win her back. It is cuckold mentality that you should have to 'win' her back as though you are grovelling and begging. You showed this garbage to be BS.

3) I am glad you used this with your kids as a teaching tool against infidelity. If Mom had gotten away with it and there weren't consequences, then what would that teach them ?

4) It is sad that a good woman like your STBXWW can aid in her own demise by such hurtful and damaging actions. I pray for her recovery and have no doubt that she'll be a prized catch for someone else at some point. However, in her moment of greed and disgusting behavior, she did the marriage in. You reference that she could have found better looking guys instead but she can find the 'hottest' guy in the world and it would still be equally wrong.

5) Your point is well taken that many men and many women prioritize certain aspects of infidelity differently, based on my experience, reading this and other boards and things I have observed. While not an absolute or generalization, and based on my experiences, most of the women feel that the emotional cheating is harder than the physical and vice versa for the guys. That is what I've seen from my experience that some feel that 'as long as they said it wasn't love' it makes it somewhat better. It doesn't. Instead it baffles some even more. Personally, I would rather they say it and hate me and let's get divorced and move on than ehar that they are betraying me when I am the only one they love and plan to go nowhere. Greed, pure greed.I have been pleasantly surprised by some here of both genders that they agree with you and me that the physical aspect is the worst. Like you, I can deal with my wife saying she loves someone a whole lot more than her having sex with them, although if she says the first thing, the second may come anyway and both are terms for dumping her. As you said, they are only words unless acted upon.

6) I love how you said 'you would not change a thing'. Why would you ?? You handled this situation as well as anyone I've seen on these boards, including me 20 years ago, although I did pretty well in dealing with it myself. In time, things will only look up for you. As far as marrying again, I agree. I got lucky when I did. In retrospect, it was very risky. At your age and with your status, you could open a hole in your retirement that someone could just pilfer. With the loosening and disgusting trend of moral values in society and how easily people are influenced, your odds would be just as good as playing Blackjack in Vegas. Not worth it. Too risky. And another good decision by you.

Keep golfing, good luck and I hope the culmination of the divorce process is amicable.

Sorry to be long. Just again wanted to give props to you

very well written post by Reality Blows