SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Considering that the R is a gift by the BS we also must consider how a person decides to give that gift. I think we all weigh the pros and cons, in some ways like a relationship "actuary", performing risk analysis of pursuing R to determine the upside and downside of doing so given the most recent information, environment, and situation at hand. This is why I think a lot of times the actions of the BS and WS following Dday are just as important and impactful to the decision making process as well as considering length of the M or relationship and its history, existance of children, assets, anything else that is impacting to the decision to either R or D. Sometimes the events and actions post Dday exposes the WS for who they really are and the darkness that inhabits them and we BS know that it will be far too much to handle, especially if we have been down that road before and know our own limitations.

Some of us say an A is a dealbreaker at the beginning of the relationship as a "shot across the bow" in hopes that is enough to disuade any consideration that our partners may have in considering partaking in an A in the future, only to later to realize that an A isn't really a dealbreaker after all. But some of us consider any A a complete dealbreaker no matter what because we have done this assessment already before our decision to marry our WS and commit ourselves fully to the M with the agreement to forsake all others. Perhaps we are quite resolute in our position as a matter of principal because we know ourselves well and to go against our own principal is betray ourselves.

Most don't realize this at the start of getting handed their shit sandwhich but the balance of power in the relationship initially goes to the BS when the A occurs. The act of an A generally relinquishes the power of decision to end or reconcile the relationship to the BS. That is the risk and the WS knows this, hence why it is hidden from the BS because to reveal the infidelity is to basically hand over that power, face the consequences, and surrender themselves to the decision of the BS to either R or D. The continued deception is an attempt to resecure that balance of power in their favor and build leverage to decide the outcome IN WS's FAVOR, whether it is continued fence-sitting, hope for R, or D and take as much property and custody from the BS as possible. When the BS has been completely taken by surprise of the A, the WS holds all the cards for as long as he/she holds the truth at bay. The BS is left to shoulder the blame and feels powerless in their situation. Truth and exposure empowers the BS. SG is fortunate to discover the A on his own before confrontation and was able to assess the actions of his WW during her continued deception up until confrontation, post confrontation and make his decision based on those actions. Clearly to me, her actions were "self-preserving" and not truly emphatic to SG and his pain. As someone earlier she is throwing a pity-party with her recent appeal to SG.

What confounds me the most in his situation is how can his WW do what she did when SG suffered as a child from his mother's own infidelity. How can she not understand the impact her actions would have on someone already victimized by such an act, especialy as a child? To me that's some monster rationlization hamster right there. Weigh the gains vs cost on that one and try not to give yourself a brain cramp.

Now, there is a third option here. R after D. How that goes largely depends on what the WS does to continue fixing their broken and become a better person. She shouldn't stop on that effort just because SG is on his way out. That's something she needs to do for herself. SG deciding to D is something he must do for himself. There are many options and roads to take from here on out for the both of them. Regardless, it is all about healing from something so very devestating to any relationship that it becomes a crucible to remake both individuals into hopefully a better version of themselves in the end.

No matter your own individual stance in SG's story, this is absolutely true by Bigger -

Finally – SG: If you want to be single then fine. No problems. But work on being happy. With or without your wife then your own personal happiness is completely dependent on you and the work YOU do to make it so you are content with where you are.

idiot

No one is judging anyone.

We are discussing the idea of waiting a period of time to see if reconciliation is possible.

SpaceGhost said from the beginning infidelity was his deal breaker.

Worse, when SG gave his wife a chance to come clean about the lingerie and location she lied right to his face.

Why did she lie? Because she knew infidelity was SG's dealbreaker.

Now I will share something with Life is Crazy.

Just because a man or a woman decides to divorce his wife does not mean their relationship is over. Especially when children are involved. The relationship certainly changes.

What kind of man would SG be if he did not live up to his word????

But who is to say that Mrs SG will stay out of the picture or if SG will someday forgive her???

Who knows.

SG did what he had to do to move forward with his life.

And in situations where infidelity has occurred moving on is the hardest process of all.

HM

Exactly. If you know a bear will maul you, and you still go ahead and kick it in the snout, then complaining that the bear mauled you is probably misdirected anger.

To see SG's exwife say she wished he would fight for the marriage triggered me, It is the same thing my wwife said.

and it is blame shifting

and why didn't she fight for the marriage before sleeping with the Boss?

[This message edited by convert at 9:31 AM, June 4th (Thursday)]

I agree with HappyMan but the chances of R are not so great, given the distance.

SpaceGhost,

Do you find yourself wondering how your wife is doing?

Do you think you could be friends with her or would that just lead to her seducing you?

i've wondered more than once if this thread was artful cat-fishing.

I agree, given the distance that comes with S and D, the chance of reconciliation goes down..

IMHO my own sanity is more important than the marriage if the marriage is what is driving me insane..

If infidelity happens to be a deal breaker, than the BS's quality of life within the marriage is probably going to stink..

Better to grieve/process the loss of the WS as a permanent one IMHO..

i've wondered more than once if this thread was artful cat-fishing.

Doubt it, science people are very calculated and stay course when executing a plan.

His hobbies, in tune with work, and how he has acted out run parallels with the personality types whose executive function is very matter of a fact.

(The small details and facts are what give away)

thanks Dr. JDuff. Actually, your post was excellent

I will add my 2 cents in to this posting:

I have to say that very early on this thread drew in a very committed D-cheering crowd. One that more or less eliminated any option for SG other than D. I think way too often people forget that this site was founded by a couple that managed to reconcile and that many of our mods and guides are reconciled. There is no shame in R, no admittance of weakness or no “loosing” some perceived battle in R. Not any more than is in D. It’s just plain and simple the only two realistic ways out of infidelity and BOTH should be open for us if we want to and if we have that option.

I completely agree with Bigger and what he wrote.

I have to say that very early on this thread drew in a very committed D-cheering crowd. One that more or less eliminated any option for SG other than D.

I suppose people see what they want to see.

SG wasn't dissuaded from D by his wife of 20+ years in person, let alone a "committed D-cheering crowd" on the internet.

The only person that eliminated R as an option after an affair was SG himself. I suspect a man that knows his own mind and keeps his word is to be admired or envied depending on your relationship with the phrase:

"An affair would be a deal breaker"

I have to say that very early on this thread drew in a very committed D-cheering crowd. One that more or less eliminated any option for SG other than D. I think way too often people forget that this site was founded by a couple that managed to reconcile and that many of our mods and guides are reconciled. There is no shame in R, no admittance of weakness or no “loosing” some perceived battle in R. Not any more than is in D. It’s just plain and simple the only two realistic ways out of infidelity and BOTH should be open for us if we want to and if we have that option.

I have not been here as long as bigger, craig and others, but could not agree more with the above statement.

I did notice what a cheering crowd SG had for divorce, and also how many members recommend that what SG did, that others follow in his footsteps even when their OS are willing to R.

Unfortunately we are not all SG, and every potential R case is different - some people have young kids at home and don't want to break up the family, others have limited financial means to just up and move or divorce. For some of us it is easier said than done for what is advised and recommended to proceed with D.

I know in the end it is our decision, and what we do is up to us - regardless of the advice we are getting, but it does seem that that quite a few members are extremely pro-divorce regardless of whether there is strong grounds for R...

Just my two cents...

I have to say that very early on this thread drew in a very committed D-cheering crowd. One that more or less eliminated any option for SG other than D. I think way too often people forget that this site was founded by a couple that managed to reconcile and that many of our mods and guides are reconciled. There is no shame in R, no admittance of weakness or no “loosing” some perceived battle in R. Not any more than is in D. It’s just plain and simple the only two realistic ways out of infidelity and BOTH should be open for us if we want to and if we have that option.

I case anyone did not notice. Mr. Spaceghost arrived at the forum with his detailed plan and the reasons clearly laid out and explained from the first words here. Some decided they were going to change his mind regardless of what he continued to say.

Whether or not you are D leaning or R leaning it made no difference. He was not asking to be persuaded one way or the other.

Now even when he has made his choice and moved on, seems like there are those that still want to second guess him.

He is a big boy and for HIS reasons did not deviate from his plan.

Enjoy your new life Space Ghost

I agree with Nononsense and Azteca. SG was committed to divorce. Some here tried to move him away from that without success. In case some didn't read it correctly, he said he wouldn't change a thing regarding what he did. Besides, he is finding happiness.

Again, this isn't SG's pile of crap, it's his wife's.

He knew what he wanted, he executed it to near perfection and it shows some BS how to act if they have the same boundaries he does. It's his wife who decided to become a dishonest and scummy partner to him for absolutely no reason. The shame is on her.

And he should not be criticized for that and neither should the posters who supported him in that decision. We were backing him, not the WS !!! Plain and simple !!!

Regarding those who successfully reconciled, congrats to them and I am happy for them, including the two excellent people who found this site. It's a credit to them. SG is one who couldn't and I join him in that crowd. There's nothing wrong with that. In fact, in many cases, there is something right with that.

[This message edited by Western at 7:16 PM, June 2nd (Tuesday)]

What confounds me the most in his situation is how can his WW do what she did when SG suffered as a child from his mother's own infidelity. How can she not understand the impact her actions would have on someone already victimized by such an act, especialy as a child?

Easy. She "knew" she wasn't going to get caught. Just a little one-time secret thang to alleviate the boredom.

He was not asking to be persuaded one way or the other.

He specifically said he wanted to hear all opinions.

Hear's my takeaway that I hope people latch on to. SG's play in this was the right thing to do whether you want to R or D. Either path. Take full control of the situation and carry out the plan.

He had his WW totally back on her heels and ready to do whatever he asked. That's where you want to be if you are going to D. That's where you want to be if you are going to try to R. It's neither here nor there which path he took. The lesson remains.

SG did give his wife a chance. He continued communication for over a month. With communication R is always possible.

If his WW did the right things, it may have been different.

She should have quit immediately. She should have filed against OM and the company.

She should have sent a NC to OM with a copy to SG.

She should have also gone NC with her friends who supported the A.

She should have gone to Florida despite what SG said.

She should have answered his questions right away.

She instead only took a leave at first. She with held details with some being on the advice from her friends.

The actual death blow was the GNO. She dressed up with her friends and of course met up with some guys.

Her friends posted everything on facebook and everything became history.

That is when the communication ended and the chance for R went away. She had a chance and totally blew it.

SpaceGhost, you are an inspiration. Oh, if I had been as quick and decisive as you. I've had my moments, but damn. You're flawless.

I realized that women and men are from different planets. She said telling someone you love them that is not your spouse is far worse than having sex with them in her eyes.

Well, I got the real shit end of that stick. She told me herself that she loves the guy and he loves her and it's just the best love ever and...

And that she fucks him. Honestly, I think a one night stand or meaningless sex is easier for me to take. But giving away her heart? Nope. Giving away her heart AND her body? Fuck nope.

I'm laying the smackdown on my STBXWW, looking to your thread for strength when I am tempted to break NC or try to do the pick me dance.

Screw all that. She made POSOM's bed, now she can lie in it.

I'll tell you this, I'm open to marrying a woman again. But she's going to understand in no uncertain terms: You cheat, he's dead and you're dead. (Course, what I will probably actually do is immediately divorce her ass. But you get the picture.)

unloved, so sorry again...

SG understood that actions speak louder than words and that was his threshold.

He also understood that she did it just for fun, as his WW stated.

As for you, please don't go down that road of believing of her giving her heart away. Cheating is not about love, it at its core is about lust and addictions, nothing more. Don't allow your WW to cheapen the definition of love or your principles by accepting her petty deflections.

There are many BS that would "kill" for a remorseful wife as with SG and i think that is at the root of this R vs D debate or "giving a chance." However i think it shows difference of personality and perception. R is granted by the BS no matter how the wayward reacts or any other would like to counter the argument. Those that chase their waywards develop their own form of fog and that is the real loss as they have already given themselves as the ultimate gift to a cheater in that they are willing to R but so often rarely learn that is not what is actually transpiring.

SG made his principles very clear.

SG enjoy your new life and find happiness.

I agree unloved and rambler.

You are doing now what it has taken me two years to do I essentially know that it is over. My H holds the financial cards right now. He also is not remorseful like your wife. I told myself if he was I could stay. But now I look at his lack of remorse as a gift that helped me move on. I'm not sure I would have been ok to stay now even if he had been remorseful.

Do you think your childhood experiences gave you the frame of reference to move on so quickly? I do think moving away helped as the WS is a huge trigger and obstacle to healing. Or do you think you are mixing up in your head your feelings about your mother and your wife?

Either way, you are where I am headed. You did what I wish I had done or could do now. I'm working on it.