SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with Convert and Italianjob.

Allroy, I get where you are coming from.

Mike, I agree. But the 6 months thing will be played out while the divorce is taking place. He can end it. Assuming the state laws where he filed and the timelines of course.

I did mention previously that SG sticks to his morals and not fool around while still married. He has shown good character in this regard but suggested that may change in his last post. I don't think R is going to happen here. The slim chance that it does, his sleeping around now won't help matters once found out.

It sucks because that didn't stop her. But I am worried about him now since he's the OP and the betrayed

Thought I would chime in here after reading the posts. Please don't fight over me . I will expand a little on what I have been reading.

I am sorry but this may be TMI for some but here it goes:

First of all it was not the lying that pissed me off. The fact that she had another penis in her mouth and came home and kissed me with that mouth. The fact that she had another penis in her vagina and then came home and had sex with me. As you may realize the thought of having had oral sex with her after he had been in her well that pisses me off to no end. Did I get sloppy seconds after him…?

Now the lying was bad but I understand it. If she told the truth we were done. She knew that so she knew if she admitted it that I would end us. She did not want that to happen she still wanted her family, home and husband to still be in her life. So she ended the affair when she knew I was on to her and she tried to keep her life intact. I can forgive the lying and I think she had good reason to lie to me.

It is not like she was walking down the street and his junk fell inside her. It is not like she got hungry so he fed her the closest thing he could think of “His Junk” and put it in her mouth. A lot of things have to happen before a woman allows sex to happen. And she knows that if it does happen and I find out our live together is over. So I feel bad for her but only to a certain point.

I see some people think I was mean to her by having her severed at work and not discussing things with her. Well the reason she was served at work is because the OM was also there and that is where they decided to laugh at me behind my back. Maybe I would have talked to her but at that point I though her mouth might be full of something else if you get my drift.

So yes the sex thing really pisses me off. Let’s also not forget that all she had to do is not cheat on me and she would still have the life she wants back. This wasn’t an accident that she is paying for because she was just a bystander and did nothing wrong.

Of course now she is hurt. She is sorry and showing remorse and I think she is sincere. But gosh I sure wish she would have thought of that before she took off her clothes for him. Unless she can build a time machine and go back and undo it then I will be divorcing her.

I went to different sites to do research on affairs and I noticed a problem that many men faced on all of the sites. A lot of them had cheating wives and after confronting the wives a strange thing was happening. In a lot of cases the Wives were trying to decide who to choose between the OM and the Husband. I got upset reading that and assumed my wife would be like that and was prepared for it. I have not posted my story on any other site since I like this site the most and has some nice varied opinions.

There is no way I was going to put up with a person who did this to me and have her think she had a choice on how things would move forward.

I do not mind other opinions but there are some who are way off on their comments. Saying I had one foot out the door before this. That I handled it the wrong way and to those I say you are wrong. I read where some are saying what I did was a Kneejerk reaction. I had around a month and a half to think so I did exactly what I wanted to do. I came to this site because I was happy in my marriage and some rich a hole was poking my wife. I was looking for reasons and I got some great perspective and I am thankful for that.

Another thing I notice on many sites is how people want to feel sorry for women when they cheat. They will say the OM is a predator and try to make the OM a villain. Well the OM is a piece of crap but you know what… He was not at the church when we took our vows. I did not expect the OM to be a great guy and protect my marriage but I sure expected my wife to do this. And yes my ego is bruised. The OM is loaded but man he is not a catch at all in the looks department. I am very fit and I take care of myself and still look young. If you saw us both side by side you would think my wife is crazy. And she says that she was not in her right mind but so what.

If I were to give advice to men I would tell men to do what I did. Not move to Florida and don’t put up with this crap. There is no excuse for cheating and I will not spend any days worrying that I did not do this perfect. I got a shit sandwich and tried to make a Steak out of it. I did the best I could with the tools I had.

I am letting my lawyer handle things and I am going no contact with her except for emails. Our kids are not young so we do not have to do that battle. I miss her a little but it is getting better every day. I am trying to be good and not put myself in a bad place right now.

So to put it in a nutshell the divorce is moving forward and I am feeling a little better every day. No need to argue on here about if I should divorce or reconcile since I am divorcing. I do not get upset at those telling me I should consider staying with her but I don't see that ever happening.

SpaceGhost out for now!

Great post Spaceghost. Pray you find happiness and someone in the future to enjoy it with.

SpaceGhost

Thanks for the update. So glad you are getting better each day.

It is not like she was walking down the street and his junk fell inside her. It is not like she got hungry so he fed her the closest thing he could think of “His Junk” and put it in her mouth. A lot of things have to happen before a woman allows sex to happen.

You are right. You obviously know a lot more details than we do and there was a lot going on at work which you probably heard details of on the VAR in conversations with him or her friends. You know she did not decide at 4PM on a Friday on a whim to take off with him for the week end. She was having "fun"

You don't feel sorry for her so i don't know why anyone else should.

You are the prize, not the OM.

If I were to give advice to men I would tell men to do what I did.[/quote]

At some point in the future you may feel well enough to return and help others who unlike you are totally bewildered and helpless.

Get better Spaceghost. I wish you well.

This part....

"and have her think she had a choice on how things would move forward. "

Exactly. Not falling into the trap of giving her any power or options. That is what many betrayed husbands wished they would have done.

Take care and enjoy the Florida sun.

I still say:

To your own self be true.

I admire you for having the strength of mind and purpose to follow your own beliefs. So many of us waver, prevaricate and bargain our beliefs with our fears and lie to ourselves to make it seem we are not turning away from our beliefs and own morals. We compromise our beliefs seeking the safety that had been but is no longer. In the end, we are still faced with our morale compass and our own self esteem on whether we compromised our selves just to save the marriage.

You have the self esteem to judge your decision according to your own morale compass and have not wavered in your decision. You have listened to the advice of so many others and judged it according to your own moral compass and treated your wife very well considering. Your decision always has been your own to make and you made yours compassionately but firmly and did not degrade yourself anymore than she had already done and are coming out very healthy on the other side. If after all is said and done, you ever decide to reunite with your STBXW, it will be your decision made by a very healthy you.

Continue to take care of yourself and Good Luck and Best Wishes in all you do.

[This message edited by purplebreeze at 5:31 PM, March 18th (Wednesday)]

Think about suing him and his company for the company sponsored flings?

Good luck to you SG. Wish I had handled it like you did.

Game, set, and match. SG, you are a man of your words and convictions. I wish you the best and you certainly deserve the best.

Godspeed brother and I feel your decisions are very well thought out. Now be happy and golf plenty.

btw to me the lying is not as big a factor as the physical cheating so I am with you on that

Thanks for the update, SpaceGhost.

There is a lot of admiration here for the way you have handled things. Envy, too. I envy because I did not do what you did and I wished I did.

I applaud you for serving her at work. Shock and awe. Did she consider your feelings when off fucking AP? Did she "discuss" it with you? Of course not. You fight fire with fire. You did this the very best way possible.

Yes, the sex is the worst. Pecker in mouth, pecker in vagina then coming home and sloppy seconds. Disgusting. Sex, to me, is sacred. My marriage vows said to forsake all others.

OM a predator. Sure. WW made the vows. She was to protect the marriage as was I. She is not innocent. She encouraged and was proactive. She was the one who betrayed.

If this is all a deal breaker for you. It is a deal breaker. It doesn't matter if she moves through a continuum of denial, blameshifting, gaslighting, regret, guilt and remorse. It has been said that it takes some time for WSs to get to remorse. If it is a deal breaker it doesn't matter. It is your decision.

I offerd the possibility of reconciliation sometime in the future just as a possibility. Continue with the divorce proceedings. If reconciliation is not on the table -ever - then that is your decision and it should be respected.

Stay healthy. Stay true to your convictions.

I admire you for having the strength of mind and purpose to follow your own beliefs. So many of us waver, prevaricate and bargain our beliefs with our fears and lie to ourselves to make it seem we are not turning away from our beliefs and own morals. We compromise our beliefs seeking the safety that had been but is no longer. In the end, we are still faced with our morale compass and our own self esteem on whether we compromised our selves just to save the marriage.

It took me 6 months to come to terms with what Purple Breeze wrote about beliefs and our own moral convictions. When I was no longer willing to compromise everything I believed in and was willing to give up the 'safety' that truly was no longer, I came to MY senses and said ENOUGH. Those six months were the hardest months of my life. My xh continued lying, cheating, stealing and I was leveraging that against all that I am. When I was no longer willing to give up me, to negotiate with who I am, I stepped up to MY plate and acted. Do I miss that life ? How can you miss something that never was ? SpaceGhost has convictions and was not willing to compromise. I believe we all have to respect him for that.

Side note with regard to the sex with the AP: IMO, that's all it is. Sex. It isn't love. Love doesn't suddenly erupt over the course of a couple rolls in the hay no matter how the cheaters delude themselves. Just two users using one another. So sad they're willing to give up everything for nothing that matters: another fine example of how shallow cheaters really are.

I do believe I have a new hero.

Thumbs up to this ^^^

I got a shit sandwich and tried to make a Steak out of it

...and you are succeeding. Hang in there Ghost

SG, if you start selling T-shirts, I'll take one.

You and I have the same feelings here.

Strike one, you're out. I don't particularly care if people agree with me.

I hope you stick around to help guide future unfortunate men who hesitate when it's time for action. We could use a guy like you.

You did the right thing Dude. That was your plan and you executed it. Now you can move on.

You actions in this situation can serve as a model for others who have to deal with infidelity.

Best of luck

Long time reader, first time poster

I admire the way you have stuck to your convictions. I wish I had half your courage when I JFO. I wish you peace in the coming months.

I'm glad you're doing better. It's hard no matter what route you take. If WSs don't want to lose their marriages, they shouldn't cheat. End of story.

You are doing what is right for you and I admire you for that. No one has the right to criticize you. Best wishes to you.

SG, I don't know if you've seen it before, but there's a "Betrayed men" thread in the "I can relate" subforum. You might find it beneficial to read and post there. There's lots of great guys there that don't come to the Just found out part of the forum because it's too triggery.

Best wishes!

SG

Not only did your wife cheat on you but your mother cheated on your Dad and wreaked havoc on your family.

Just the fact that your wife knew your family history and chose to have an affair on her own proves that she deserves the divorce.

Not only deserves it but in fact has earned it.

Sad but true.

I am glad you know yourself well enough to follow your course without any reservations.

Give us an update when your wife visits you unannounced at your new home.

I know you asked her to let the marriage lie and give you the divorce that you desire but she is selfish.

Not only is she selfish but she does not use common sense and has toxic friends that influence her.

Good luck, keep working on you and let us know your daughter is doing these days.

HM