SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My story is similar to many of the posters in this thread. I discovered my husband's porn use about a decade ago. I don't know how long it had been going on , not did i know it went beyond use and being an addiction. I stumbled upon it accidentally and was shocked and sickened by it.
He promised me he would stop , but of course he didn't.

Some of the details in the early discovery are blurry. I don't recall what prompted me to search other than him coming home from work in a horrible mood when we were supposed to go to a neighborhood party...I remember seeing images on his laptop that were graphic , including of himself.

He was very protective of his phone ( god how I wish I addressed that when it started )

I eventually had a second discovery when we were reconciling his credit card charges and once again , porn website charges were there ...each time he has been caught , he set himself up for it...it's bizarre.

His porn usage eventually led to a hookup in what was once our favorite city , followed by more meetings with what turned into a multi-year affair with this disgusting woman.

He kept bringing it closer and closer to our marriage , as he gave her a job working remotely for our business..when that wasn't enough, he invited her here to work a few months in the summers of 2015 and 2016. The second summer , he got sloppy and I became suspicious , but he calmed my suspicions

I look back at that time with so much regret that I ignored my gut.
I hosted her for many dinners during that time...we did social things with her and even held a going away party
I can't tell you how sick it makes me and all the tainted memories that continue to traumatize me still

It was November of 2017 when I learned of his affair. We were casually looking at pictures together on his ipad when suddenly, he realized there were things there he didn't want me to see...so once again guarding his devices.
I was so upset that I started digging. He went on a business related trip with our friend and I told him that he can't come home and I demanded he leave his laptop and ipad...which he did.

I spent two days combing thru emails and finally remembered that she had an iphone from us that she used , and that was how I found out..there were half naked photos exchanged , expressions of " love " the word soulmate was there and oddly , the very minute I had my proof ...he walked in on me having a mental breakdown

What a nightmare , and he of course downplayed it

We went thru several therapists and more than one DDay. We made a lot of progress , or so I thought until I discovered his porn use started up again . I know it had been happening for at least 6 months

He is back with a new counselor but my hopes are low. I just don't think he can stop his addictive behaviors and secret life...it's been a lifelong pattern in one way or another

Divorce is on the table , although I haven't made a move with that. I just am not ready yet. We are sleeping in seperate rooms and not intimate at all.

I just wanted somewhere to vent since I don't have anyone to talk to about what's happening

As the forum heading states..."I can relate" there is no one you can talk to, like in an AA group or AlAnon group. I just found this site, and I am on Wetonglen also. I've been on that one longer. All like minded women whose partner has betrayed them thru sex and or porn addiction. It isn't like you can bring this up at brunch with your girlfriends, can you? No. We have to keep it hidden, quiet, so no one knows the hell we are dealing with every damn day. Society is "OK" with drug and alcohol addiction, even gambling. But not porn. Not sex addiction. It is perverse. My husband has, according to the good CSAT therapists we work with, the hardest case they have ever seen. He has been porn addicted for 40+ years. He cycles in and out. The last few years we get a good 4 weeks, then a bad 4-6 weeks. It flips on and off. We've been married 10 years. He kept this hidden until I discovered it 6 months after we married. I had no reason to not trust him. He had his phone, I had mine, same with laptops. He inadvertenly left something open on his and left the room, and I saw it. My world crashed. When he is in his good phase he is pretty much a great guy. But I can tell when he has flipped. I know instantly. And I am never wrong. Our couples therapist and his therapist, both CSAT as I said, have urged him to go to a residential program. We can't afford it and insurance doesn't pay. He has a small inheritance and I said "I am not spending a single penny of my family money on this problem of yours. It isn't my problem, its yours. Spend your family money" and he will not. I mean, we are talking 75,000 or so, and there is obviously no promise and no money back. I feel like lately even the counseling money is a waste. He has been in counseling/therapy for a looooong time and no improvement. When your therapist says "you're the hardest case I've ever worked with in 25 years of being a therapist" that is NOT a good thing. I wish I had answers for you. For me. But I don't. Just know that there are many, many of us out here and we/I care about you.

Greetings to you all from one who came here years ago, wore herself out posting, and these days doesn't check in here very often.

I just want to say it is sad how the obscenity of a sex addict's problem contaminates our lives, not only with betrayal trauma but leaving us in absolute, profound shock at how we somehow never suspected a thing?! In that respect LB, you are not alone!

3 days from now it will have been 22 years since my world imploded. I'm still not resolved I could have avoided getting married to such a sick man, and that is a shameful feeling about my past I feel I have to cope with or else erase 32 years of my life story, impossible. So I'd warn anyone not to invest this much time and life energy into waiting for a sex addict to change!

During the 4 years we were getting to know each other, neither my then BF nor any of his acquaintances - coworkers and one or two of his car guy buddies - ever dropped 1 teeny hint of his severe problem. The circle he ran in, however, was not known for its happy family lifestyle, as they all were required to travel across country every couple weeks for most of every year. He must have kept his prostitute use well shielded even from his buddies, as one of them remarked to me one day about 'what a good guy he was, he didn't hang out at the hotel bars with them, nor join them at the strip clubs...' (very often, ahem...later I learned that occurred, even if infrequently.) But the guy seemed to be happily married himself, and he was trying to convince me that his coworker was a "great guy" and all that. I really don't think that guy was b.s.'ng me, either. Relative to behavior he saw in the other guys, my BF must have worked super hard to come off as Mr. Goodie Two Shoes!

I wish I had more healing words for every one who finds themselves here. I'm sorry it's so hard to find the right things to say sometimes.

To LB: you may want to "read the tea leaves" and accept that staying with this level of broken man won't have a magical happy ending for you. I did 12 years straight of believing I could have a New Husband, only to have him walk into a hotel room to be serviced by an undercover cop on my birthday, and get his mug shot plastered all over the nightly news and local papers, losing us all our new friends in our New Beginning community. My birthday present was picking him up at the county jail, after his car was impounded.

Sure wish I wouldn't have read so many books about hope and change, nor hung onto the advice of our clueless MC, and instead, wish I'd heeded the advice of the IC who told me "The best predictor of future behavior is the behavior you have seen." When I heard that, I really didn't like such a reductionistic summary of what my SAWH was going to be capable of, going forward, since he seemed so sincerely ashamed and regretful. But history proved that IC was objectively correct.

Really sucks, but you have more than enough justification to get the hell out.

I really appreciate everyone's honesty and stories. It has already helped me so much, knowing I'm not alone.

Thank you all. I hate feeling this messed up, but I guess it's my new norm. I am going to try and find a CSAT counselor for myself.

Superesse, I am so sorry you experienced that including the ruined birthday.

Birthday ruining seems to be a thing… I am humiliated to share that child services called one birthday for exwh because he was supposed to be a reference for pos ow in an investigation against her for neglecting her children to bang random strangers like wh. Wt actual is wrong with these seemingly conscious-less ones? I can’t drive past the botanical gardens (where I had my birthday lunch) without thinking about this.

Does anyone know of any success stories with a long-term PA/SAWH? The more I read, the more I'm ready to walk. WeTonglen seems to have a lot of couples who are working on it together and doing pretty well. But I'm mid-50s and I don't want age alone, or be a burden on my family, either.

I don't know if we will be a long term success story.

We are 49. Dh probably was an addict by the time he was 18. He was sober for 3 years, relapsed for 7, and now has been sober/in recovery for 7 years.

He's stayed sober through me having bread cancer. So I think this time is better. But no guarantees for tomorrow.

We still have 3 minor children at home. My youngest won't be 18 until we are.60.

I live in a state that allows for legal separation. That is my best option if he relapses again and lies about it again.

My WH does not have a formal diagnoses of sex addicted and I do not think he is but he has had years of porn use behind my back and multiple one night stands the last ten years that were coworkers and not solicited. He was faithful the first ten years of our marriage.
We are only 2.5 years into recovery.
I did go to a group for women recovering from betrayal and there were many women married to diagnosed sex addicts.
There were a couple that had long term success stories (7-8 years) that ran the group.
These men were very dedicated to self growth and one of them helped run a recovery group for men.
I really think my WH did not stop his behavior because he had no consequences. If he did cheat again though I would be done. He has not had any indiscretions since I have had the whole truth of his affairs.
I do know there were multiple women that their husbands seemed to be extremely remorseful, did couple therapy, individual therapy, retreats and then four or five years later they were unfaithful again.
It’s such a risk to take. I think if you are on your first chance for your WH then if you see remorse it could be worth trying. In my opinion if they see your pain and repeat their behavior that’s just too much for me. But I also know I would never say never and would never judge anyone giving their spouse another chance. I also think we are all in different situations financially and with kids and we have to act accordingly.

I'm getting a lot from doing a deep dive on this thread, getting back to boards 18, 19. I wish engagement now was as fast and populated, but I feel like I know those names and their stories, and they're still there to help us newbies. The situations are so helpful to read, and the time frame of years really gives perspective.

There's so much to process with a SAWH, or more at its core, intimacy disorder. It's complicated and most people don't have a clue. Today two cold sores on my upper lip came out at the same time due to this emotional flux. Never had two simultaneously like that. Fun! Great when I'm feeling like the least lovable, beautiful thing on Earth right now. What a shitshow.

I miss him, I want to tell him I love him, but I think I just want to give someone love that can feel it back. He's still just starting, empathy could take years. He's emotionally cold in person. Via text he's pretty good. But I'm thinking of the decades w the cold guy.

For years I've been detaching from his monologing, devaluing ways since the first incidence of dating a stripper 14 years ago.

Somehow, I've fallen into the pattern of telling him my thoughts (he's asking, so I answer) about what recovery methods he should try and when. I then somehow start seeing a future w him and answering that way and then suddenly I'm like WTF? So I stop texting and try to get my head straight.

I thank him for shit he's helping with --that he seems grateful to do (adult son, dog, computer) and when he doesn't respond, I start wondering if he's pissed at me for something.

This is a big bag of awful. I'm so confused on what I want, but I don't know if he's confusing me or I'm just too angry/done, or if it's just too soon to know. I'm soooo freakin stressed and WHY do I have to think about it every hour?? There's more to life. I can't trust him, but I can't trust my own feelings about this either.

[This message edited by gray54 at 1:47 AM, Wednesday, November 13th]

WhoAmI, LB, i just want to say I'm really sorry your SAWHs don't see what great gift they were given in their wives.

They don't deserve you. They are still spoiled boys used to getting their way.

Sending hugs and support to you. I want to detach and I know how mind-effed we are therefore how difficult it is to do.

We're not alone. We will evolve and it does not depend on our relationship with them. At. All.

Secondtime and SaltIH, thank you for your input. It's so helpful to gain perspective through your experiences.

And Superesse, my heart goes out to you. It's still a shitshow, and I kinda see it will always be.

My C said that SAs who do the work w dedication can become better than avg partners because a lot of dudes don't do any level of self discovery/evolving, let alone this amount. I think that sounds nice, but maybe I'm just too burnt/scared. It seems like that phase wears off tho, so looking forward to that day!

I'm just rambling on this thread, kinda like journaling.

Just feeling horribly lost, devalued, and alone. SAWH is probably doing his level best, but he still tends to make himself the victim in subtle ways.

I'm not feeling strong at all, I just feel sad and angry. That first month or so after the SA dday was numb. 2.5 months in it looks like it's fixin ta git worse before it gits better.

I missed my SALifeline meeting tonight, I was bawling and too messed up to even try. I shoulda tried though, it always helps.

I've got to get stronger, to a place of less crying, heartbreak, sadness. I've read and read and I know the advice. I still don't have a clue how, I'm just not there yet. I'm in the process I guess.

I'm working SANON step 1, and I'm getting it. 2 is a lil trickier, but it's intertwined w step 1, so I can do it w enough time and focus (focus is not as easy.)

Thanks for the space to vent SI!

Gray54 - vent and journal away. Sorry this forum isn't more active. I can't speak for others but I've stayed with my SAWH for 10 years since discovery and not proud of it so don't feel like I have good advice to offer. I got a chronic pain disease 15 years ago, discovered SAWH sordid life story 10 years ago. Would like to think if I was my original self I would have left at that time but frankly needed the care to cope with daily life and still do.

He did some recovery work and counselling but didn't stick with it and I couldn't be bothered demanding he continue. As far as I know now he looks at what I call soft porn. But to me is still porn and confirms he's far from actual recovery. But sad to say I just don't care anymore. Really not the best way to live life. I'm 64 and he's 73, the assets we have are from my hard work and I'll be damned if he gets half when I did all the work.

I'd like to think if I figured out his secret self many years earlier and when I was in good health I would have left him but I also think back to the rose coloured glasses I had on when I married him so maybe I wouldn't have. I believe at this point he quite loves me and know he will do anything for me. From my side I love him like a friend with a long history but absolutely not in love with him.

Not sure at all this is helpful but is summary of my journey. I imagine Supresse would agree with me. Can't speak for her but think if you're younger at discovery I say get out and live your best life. You're in shock, you loved him but time will get you over that to be open to a better life. No one else though is in your shoes so you do you. I never did tell anyone and have to say that's a hard part.

dontsaylovely, thank for sharing your experience. I appreciate hearing from all who have been through this and have some time behind them, it's so hard to think straight right now.

I'm in the process of getting FTD, which will hopefully be within a couple months. I already know most of it (I'm pretty sure, anyway) but this will be more thorough and follow with a polygraph. I think that will help me process and move to another stage. SAWH and I have discussed dissolution, so that plan is sort of mapped already, which helps.

Most days are pretty bad, but I had a morning last week where I felt positive and happy, and that was a good day. More often I'm thinking about crying on my way to work, and the day may end up being okay, but starting each morning with that depression is hard. I don't know if I'd feel better knowing I wasn't going to have to try and trust SAWH again or not.

I'm not looking forward to the holidays.

Still kinda journaling here. It helps.

I am working the SAnon steps, and step one is realizing you can't get through this by yourself. I'm lucky to have a great network of support, and I'm trying to find my Higher Power. I get a little turned off by some things in the Bible, so I'm more of a Buddhist or Great Spirit investor. Regardless, I truly believe there's a Higher Power and we're part of a pattern/cycle, so step one and two are letting go of the outcome and realizing you'll fail if you work alone. Both steps are hard for me.

I've started to spend a couple hours a week visiting SAH, and I always feel a little anxious around him. He has changed in the past 3 months. He's softer, gentler. He always had a really short haircut, and wouldn't grow it out any, but now he is. It fits his new behavior.

He says now that his secret is out, he doesn't have the same fear, so there's room for him to grow and learn better habits. I am afraid to hope, but I can't help it either.

I was saying something about how oppressive it was to live with him before, and how I have all this fear to try again, and he jumps ahead to, "Well, that's it, then, I guess it's clear." I think I was trying to test him, to see if he would do the same making assumptions that he did before. I called him on it, told him he needs to hear me without deciding anything for me, and for a change he seemed to listen. He said he was taking a mental note, and that this 'ritual' of jumping to conclusions is a habit that is fear-based. He is afraid it will happen so he tries to control the time frame in which it does.

I'm realizing I was in denial for a while, and thinking I could just D and it would all be over, I'd be great, free of this craziness. Now I'm coming out of the numbness and I can't see forward at all. I'm so terrified of his ability to hurt me again, and afraid of the established habits we've made over the years.

He made some suggestions about changing the steps in FTD, and they seemed logical, so I immediately began to compose an email to my C to ask for the changes. An hour or so later I realized it made me feel quite stressed to have done that. I texted him later that i have been too willing to accommodate his wishes and I need to take more time before answering. It was insightful for me to learn that. That's probably behavior I would exhibit with anyone, but mostly with SAH, so it's a really good thing for me to stop doing. I have to take time to think about what I truly want, or where my power guides me instead of jumping to make others happy.

Now I just have to implement it. The hard part begins.

:-p

[This message edited by gray54 at 8:14 PM, Friday, December 6th]

This evening SAH is trying not to spiral when helping our 21 yo son get his car towed. (This kid is on the spectrum and things like this happen a lot.)

I have overestimated his progress, maybe? Simply hoped for too much too soon, more likely.

He is certainly better in a calm environment, but when things get fast paced or out-of-normal it's not like he's much different.

Right now it still feels like the burden of hope is all on me. I'm not content with that role at all anymore.

I seem to spend a lot of time trying to think of what to say, and he's offering the bare minimum when things are stressful, so I'm defaulting to 'eff him'

Is it that I must accept his defeatist nature?

Ok, seeing him tomorrow morning for dog exchange (we share custody lol) and this withdrawal when it's stressful will probably not come up, but I'm contrary enough to push it in the right (wrong?) frame of mind.