SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A friend of mine said the hardest thing for him to understand was that his x was just a typical lying cheater. Nothing special. They are a dime a dozen.

Until you step into reality you’ll stay where you are.

Man...

Man oh man oh man...

I have never seen anything like this.

What is true about all cake eaters is that they will eat cake until the cake that is being had says, "No, you can't eat cake and still have a relationship with me."

My story is like yours in some ways. Eventually I felt it was necessary to ask for a divorce because I couldn't go on the way things were. Only you will know when you have hit that point. I don't know if it is actually possible to implement the solutions that come when you finally let go of your M and believe it well and truly over. Only then will you stop sacrificing yourself and your needs.

I am not okay with a polyamorous relationship/marriage.

That’s the answer I expected.

Friend – right now you ARE in a polyamorous relationship. It’s even got your semi-consent by not being more determined in refusing participation.

It’s a bit like when you were playing cops and robbers as a kid. The “cop” would put you in these flimsy plastic handcuffs and you pretended to be stuck, when all the time one good pull would have snapped the plastic. Honestly – both in YOUR actions and hers I see a refusal to pull and a hanging on to really weak reasons. She CAN get an apartment. She CAN move in with parents. She CAN ask lover-boy to rent with her. Yet she does none of these things, she only pretends the cuffs are real.

What isn’t a weak reason is wanting the marriage. I can understand that. But reality is what reality is: if shes not willing to work along the lines I suggested in my last post then what you want and what you are offered are two separate things. That’s when you go for what you NEED.

I notice one comment you make: If you two are married then why is the house YOUR property? Be 100% clear on this. Start NOW understanding divorce in your area of the woods.

And finally, all this is happening because you allow it, you know right?

I am not okay with a polyamorous relationship/marriage. The mental part here is she is absolutely convinced she’s not had or having an affair and the reason she comes up with that is because she only kissed or had sex with him after she told me it was over, I just don’t understand that. I do know she was texting him months before they hooked up and where flirting enough that colleagues noticed it. She’s twisted my head so fucking much that I started to think maybe this isn’t a affair as no sex until separation which I do believe. The more I looked at this it was an EA at the very least that turned physical, but we’re married so isn’t it always an affair in that case.

Why the fuck do you have to understand anything other than she has been and has refused to stop cheating on you.

Friend – right now you ARE in a polyamorous relationship. It’s even got your semi-consent by not being more determined in refusing participation.

Bigger just gave it to you as clear as it can be.

What more advice can anyone give you. You are allowing her to do this to you as everyone responding to you have pointed out. You are not battling anything, you are in full retreat and she knows that.

This polyamory bull shit is the new fall back position for women who want to continue their affairs but refuse to give up their OM.

Stop stating what you don't want or accept and start taking actions that match your words. or you will wallow in this shit storm for a long time

At the very least I am taking myself out of the game at this point as I seriously need to get some space from all of this. The sick part is I need to keep reminding myself at this point that this situation is not fucking normal.

I've started writing down all the shit she has done over the last year and I keep reading it back thinking WTF, not just WTF about what she has done but WTF I have not done and how I have just passively allowed sat back and put up with this shit. People that know me know this is NOT me, I don't let people walk over me like that and never have. Its like I am a shadow of who I was a year ago, its sickening.

So what's the next step and that's something I need to think about, I know right now at the very least I am pulling back to protect my own sanity and mental health and giving her no more leverage to hurt me any further, I am no longer available to talk about our "marriage" and to be totally honest I don't even think I would even want it anyway. I need to start doing things for me and looking after myself. At this point I am leaning towards asking her to leave at go stay with her parents. We jointly own the property so she can say no and so I will need to figure out what I will do if she does refuse, I need to decide if I will move out again or endure this in-house separation until she and him finally piss off.

I need to get some professional advice.

What a stupid idiot I have been, I've basically propped up her new relationship and helped it along until she was sure it was stable. I am at home making dinners and keeping the house going (tidying, shopping etc etc) while shes out planning a new life and shagging someone else like she's a teenager and acting entitled to do it, all the while shes not giving a shit about me or our adult children because I've made it easy and with no consequences. The whole situation is so fucked up and I am so angry about it all, so deflated and tired and overwhelmed. Back at the start she blamed me for it all and I just ran with that it was a well played mind game.

IWMWB, this sounds like you've cleared a mental hurdle - sometimes that's the hardest part! But hold yourself accountable on following through. For me, I found it helped to visualize my life (in a much saner, happier place) a year or two from now and work backwards to think through the steps to get there. It might add clarity and purpose to what you're doing to get out of infidelity for good. Good luck!

I've started writing down all the shit she has done over the last year and I keep reading it back thinking WTF, not just WTF about what she has done but WTF I have not done and how I have just passively allowed sat back and put up with this shit. People that know me know this is NOT me, I don't let people walk over me like that and never have. Its like I am a shadow of who I was a year ago, its sickening.

SMART MOVE. When you put it down in black and white it’s very telling.

You should download and read “No More Mr Nice Guy” by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.

Tell her that all marital priveleges are suspended and that you will be looking into an attorney. This means you take care of yours and the children's needs only. If her car breaks down... tough shit. She can get it towed and get an Uber home. You will not be coming to her rescue. That's what husbands do and you are not her husband anymore.

If she needs money... tough shit. She needs to budget the money she makes and if she runs out then boo hoo.

Take yourself out of the picture except when it comes to the welfare of the kids. She takes you for granted, and the best way to teach someone who takes you for granted is to take away all the things you do for them.

[This message edited by Westway at 12:59 PM, March 17th (Wednesday)]

You don’t need to explain anything to her. It’s time to go your own way.

Separate finances, get a good attorney.

Cut off contact unless it’s about divorce proceedings.

Time/life is something you can’t get back.

Woke up this morning feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of him touching her and the thought of her letting him. I feel pretty fucking angry right now so I've started walking again, getting outside since we've had a bit of sunshine the last few days.

THEN she comes downstairs and to have a cup of tea and I fucking cuddle her. WTF is wrong with me why would I do that? I told myself yesterday that I was pulling back and leaving her to it and it lasted less than a day, its pathetic.

Right now I am just feeling stuck with her here, I should never have moved back, I feel like an idiot but what's done is done there. I think I leaning towards asking her to move out as I have put up with this for a year and I've had enough of it.

I had my first IC session yesterday was nothing profound just more of an introduction.

You stumble and fall but that doesn’t mean you don’t pick yourself up and continue with your plan.

Do yourself a favor and this morning read all 4 pages of this thread again. Really think about what each poster is telling you. You deserve far more from your relationship than she has given you. You deserve far more from life.

My advice from the bottoms of page 2 still stands as does everyone else’s here. Reconciliation does not start when she says “ok I choose you”. It doesn’t start until she has rid from her heart mind and soul any love and desire she has of the POSOM.

So tell her you are moving on until she has done the work to make that happen and convince you that it’s true.

Sure you fell down this morning but that doesn’t mean you can’t take action this afternoon.

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:07 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]

You are your worst enemy.

Good luck

@paco2000 I agree and its something I am working on. As others have said I have kept myself in this situation far longer than I should have, I recognise that I am not a total idiot (well I am for putting up with it) but I know what my failures are here and as I see them.

1. Trying FAR FAR FAR too long to save my marriage.

2. Sitting passively while my wife cheats on me.

3. Not taking any action to protect myself.

If you can bring yourself to tell her that she has to leave that you can’t stay in a relationship or marriage with someone who has another in her heart, she will probably respond by protesting.

She’ll say something like “but I’m here aren’t I. I am choosing you”.

That’s when you need to be strong. That’s when you need to tell her that it’s not enough.

“You were supposed to choose me on our wedding day. You don’t get a monthly renewal on choosing me. While my heart loves you I’m no longer interested in you as a partner. I deserve far more than someone who struggles daily to decide if I or another is the one for her.

I’m not holding my breath that you can make that happen. But I’m done being anyone’s yo-yo. It’s time for you to leave and figure out what you want. “

[This message edited by Stevesn at 7:17 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]

If you feel like you have been hit with verbal 2 by 4s just wait until your body turns on you. Stress is cumulative and then becomes permanent damage. Move! In or out, but move. Your health depends on it.

Tape this to your forehead until you memorize it.

The 180

1, Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or

implore.

2. No frequent phone calls.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage.

4. Do not follow him/her around the house.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future.

6. Do not ask for help from family members.

7. Do not ask for reassurances.

8. Do not buy gifts.

9. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse.

11. Do not say "I Love You".

12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.

13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.

15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).

21. Never lose your cool.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.

23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only

makes their feelings stronger).

24. Be patient

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).

28. Be strong and confident.

29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest

CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.

THEN she comes downstairs and to have a cup of tea and I fucking cuddle her.

Next time you get the urge to cuddle your pornstar of a wife picture that you are cuddling with the OM as well cause you still have three people in your sham of a M.

Until such time as you feel the need to really do something to deal with the infidelity in your M then you might as well invite the OM over so you can both cuddle her while sipping on tea then draw straws to see who gets the prize at the end. If you want to call it a prize.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 2:48 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

Sounds like you’re codependent.

You are telling her with your actions and/or lack of that you’re fine with what she’s doing to you.

Which means your enabling her to give you more of what you’ve gotten.

[This message edited by Marz at 6:42 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]