SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well said. What a wild and at times, terrifying ride this has been.

I have been in the R world for almost 6 years. The shame of staying is really getting to me. I hear friends and family talk about cheaters and state "He or she would be gone in a minute." "I'd never stay" "They will always do it again." on and on. It's very painful to hear while I sit in silence with that and know the secret of my marriage- it's flawed, he nor I are perfect people and we are working on it to keep our family together and he's been contrite in actions. There are good times and somehow it still feels full of shame and isolating.

I have questions for those still in the relationship.....

Did you tell your adult children? How- what if the reaction alienates me from them?
Do friends know about the WH's actions- are they still willing to be friends?

I feel shame that we are together -is this weakness? I don't tell anyone about his cheating, but feel very alone in this journey. I am new to this site and I appreciate a place to feel connected to others walking this difficult path. Is true healing possible? Thanks! :)

In our case, Smilemore, we have a tight knit group of married friends. Originally, my wife's girlfriends knew about her A as she was confessing to them and trying to get out of it. They were instrumental in some parts of our recovery, but I still battle some resentment towards them for not "forcing the issue", or telling me themselves. Their husbands are my best friends, and we have talked about how if it was one of us, we each believe we would have physically marched the one of us who was cheating in to his wife and forced him to spill the beans or we would. Maybe a male thing? IDK. At the end of the day, these couples have remained loyal friends to us, including to my WW. I know they experienced hurt from her actions, too, and she had to rebuild trust with them, as well as me.

Our children are not adults, but our oldest daughters are 18 and 16. Telling them was incredibly painful, and we still battle daily with whether we should have or not. Ultimately we believed it would be more painful for them if they found out years later. So we were honest and prayerful about it and we did it together. Our son is 13 and does not know. We still don't know if or when we will tell him.

Smilemore….I did feel some shame as the BS….that I stayed. I’m 7 years out from DDay. I felt like I must be weak in some way.

Bottom line, working through this, coming out on the other side-whether we stay or go….takes a superhuman amount of emotional strength and resilience. We’re not weak. We are epic badasses.

I haven't told anyone except therapists. Didn't tell son or then DIL because W was afraid the creepy DIL would have cut her visit with year-old GS short if she kne about my W's A (they were to arrive for a visit a week after d-day).

I believe my reticence is due to shame.

Part of my choice to R was a decision to not feel shame for choosing R. IMO, it's something we all have to deal with. Also IMO, it's just nasty self-talk. Since I generate the self-talk messages, I can choose what messages I will generate, and I do a lot to cut down on the 'Shame on you!' messages.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:21 PM, Thursday, April 2nd]

With the 1 year anniversary of my d day upon me I woke up yesterday morning and found myself on the shame carousel. I jumped off of that and went directly to trigger tower, got most of the way to the top, and the damned thing broke down. I was stuck there all day, a fact that my wife was acutely aware of. For the record, d day for me is actually the 15th, but on April 2nd last year my wife woke up that morning in a hotel bed with another man for the first time since we got married over 27 years ago. That happened 2 more times over the next 2 weeks until I caught on.

This antiversary hit me harder than I thought it would. We've really been doing great, but it seems like almost everything is triggering me these last couple of days. I haven't been holding much back. I told her where my head is at and why. To her credit tho, she refused to let me go it alone. She went on every single ride with me and did her best to try to make sure I was strapped in and safe. It's been rough for her, too, but she reassured me that I won't be riding alone - for as long as I allow it.

I'm discovering I'm probably going to be spending a lot of time between Trigger Tower and the Stomach Twister for the next couple of weeks. I hate that roller coaster. I don't know why I keep getting back in line for it. Here at R Land, there's always such a long line for those damned rides.

Oh, stay away from the psychic reading booth. Once that bitch gets you inside she locks the door and starts playing graphic movies right from your own mind. You'll be stuck in there with no idea when she'll unlock the door and let you back out...