SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've asked her if she's really wanting to fix this and her reply is usually "I want us to be happy again." Sadly, she could be thinking the way for us to be happy is if we are apart with new lives. I don't know and don't want to guess.

Hard talks are coming. Maybe not tonight as we are both exhausted from last nights fireworks, but soon.

Bahama, you are doing so well. I've been really humbled by the maturity and grace you've shown your wife through this. Not many of us can say we handled the fallout of D-Day with as much composure and grace.

For this same reason, I'm worried about you. Have you really let this sink in yet? I'm also worried your wife has not had to face the consequences of her actions yet. She is attempting to rugsweep. Do you want a partner who isn't willing to do EVERYTHING it takes to make you feel safe? She needs to know that you are willing to walk away from the marriage if she isn't willing to be a safe partner. Are you willing to do that?

I've asked her if she's really wanting to fix this and her reply is usually "I want us to be happy again." Sadly, she could be thinking the way for us to be happy is if we are apart with new lives. I don't know and don't want to guess.

Hard talks are coming. Maybe not tonight as we are both exhausted from last nights fireworks, but soon.

That's got to be frustrating because that is the kind of non-answer that someone gives to keep from being vulnerable. I know when this happened to me what I desperately wanted was for my WW to come right out and tell me that she wanted me and me alone. I know that anything she says has to be followed up with action but I'm sure it would be nice to have her just lay her feelings bare and say "Bahama, I want you. I did you wrong. I know I did. I know you might reject me now and you'd have that right but what I want right now is you" and allow you to say whether you want her or not. Instead what you are getting is this sort of passive-aggressive thing where she says "I want us to be happy" and a bunch of crap about how she's horrible and you won't forgive her ever which seems only meant to get you to say that you will forgive her or that she's not as bad as she's saying. This puts it all back on you.

I would tell her that you need her to risk your rejection right now. She needs to make the effort, make herself vulnerable and go for it. If she can't do that then I think you're going to have a tough time staying.

deleted.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 12:44 PM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

He's had a vasectomy. So,if she gets pregnant now...

He said in the last days, she had texted him that she knew that H would never leave me and that's why they were trying to find their way out.

above is from LadyBugMaam. Bahama my dear brother. its clear you are plan B. im so sorry. surely you cant tolerate this.....

She said she didn't understand why I wasn't divorcing her. She said she didn't understand why I was even trying to fix someone as awful as she is. She broke down in tears and went downstairs.

In her frustration, she lost it and screamed the truth. You just need to be able to hear it.

She seems hoped, once you catch her in A, you would divorce her and then there wouldn't be a major obstacle to her dream life with AP, no need for decision tree, because there would be the only outcome for her, and that is to pursue a life with a wealthy AP.

I might be wrong, but this is the first thing that popped into my mind reading what she said in anger. Also, her visit to a lawyer after DDay .... She has been toying with the idea of D for a while. If AP was more willing, she might have pushed for it.

Be careful and act accordingly.

me giving up my specialized career to make the move to get closer to family

I really think you should put yourself first and revive your career. Without disclosing too much is it something that you can kickstart again? Quite honestly I don't think there is any greater benefit with children staying at home than going to childcare. From your earlier posts and your wife's responses it does seem that she has a lot of resentment in being the sole provider. I also think that she had shame and regret at being caught and not remorse for the PA that she had. The OM was after sex and the fact he dumped her so quickly is probably the reason for her sadness. If she does not start IC she might repeat this behaviour with another OM.

You are such a nice man that you are not seeing her manipulative behaviour. Do your in-laws know? They should asap.

[This message edited by masti at 6:39 PM, March 11th (Monday)]

Bahama next time you go into IC (or pay for them to do this prior) ask the counsellor to read your post / this thread from start to finish. and then give u their honest opinion.

The other thing to think about Bahama, is in many places they will calculate your potential income, if you aren't working. Then say you should be making this much.

This could leave you in a very bad place financially if you haven't started looking for work. You may want to talk to an attorney about this.

This could also be a big thing to her, in regards to her wanting to fix things, that you don't have a job. Did she ask you in the past (pre-A) to be looking for a job?

Bahama,

What has your WW stated her last contact with AP was? I’m going between threads here but it was mentioned earlier there was a week after confrontation that they communicated. That is how/where A’s go underground.

It never click until pointed out they both went NC and became “remorseful” at the same time. I find that particularly bothersome. NOT saying that does not happen...well actually, YES I am.

Several posters have stated several beneficial off label effects of the use of the BC. Your WW stated she started BC for NONE of those effects rather she took it for the intended use of the medication. IF it is a trigger for you stand your ground, it will just fester up later if you let it slide.

Also like pointed out earlier, there is only one reason to continue them. You and LBM need to be in sleuthing mode, eyes open/mouth shut.

Sigh. Several pages back, Bahama noted this:

She admitted to me that she didn't want to have his child and got on birth control to make sure. She said the b.c. also was to help with acne and mood swings related to PMS.

He's already established that her motivation for going on BC was to prevent pregnancy from the AP. She admitted as much. She also noted other benefits to BC, and some immediately said she was lying about that. She had no reason to lie about it since she's already admitted her primary motivation was horrible. Some of us have simply noted that those other reasons are plausible because some were claiming that THAT piece of it was a lie. No one is defending her duplicity in getting on BC. SOME of us are relieved that it prevented her from getting pregnant. But the duplicity, no.

Bahama, you've been through all of this at warp speed, and the energy on this thread is a lot in itself. Hang in there.

GrayShades

Sigh. ...

What, am I boring you? My apologies my post was intended for OP. PLEASE do not try to tell me either directly or indirectly with your passive/aggressive comment, what I can post.

end of thread jack.

DW - study up on what happens to a woman when she suddenly drops hormone therapy. That's what the sigh was about. Gray is not the only one feeling it. You are demanding for Bahama to something that you don't have to live with the consequences in the event he follows your directive.

I don't fault you for your advice; only for not thinking through ALL of the ramifications of the demand. Bahama MUST think of these things regardless of whether or not his marriage survives. His wife must be able to function on her job and if you suddenly yank out the estrogen without a medical treatment plan, it can be comparable to yanking someone off of an anti-psychotic.

In her frustration, she lost it and screamed the truth. You just need to be able to hear it.

She seems hoped, once you catch her in A, you would divorce her and then there wouldn't be a major obstacle to her dream life with AP, no need for decision tree, because there would be the only outcome for her, and that is to pursue a life with a wealthy AP.

I might be wrong, but this is the first thing that popped into my mind reading what she said in anger. Also, her visit to a lawyer after DDay .... She has been toying with the idea of D for a while. If AP was more willing, she might have pushed for it.

Be careful and act accordingly.

Brother...read this...twice.

Your WW is done with you, whether you like it or not.

This was an Exit A.

She is only there because she literally has nowhere else to go. She went to a lawyer in order to D you...and only stopped because her plan A (OM) plus the loss of money (she is the breadwinner) fell apart.

She is obviously done with you...but is there because the replacement man is staying with his wife and she doesn't want to lose money in the D.

Why would you stay in a relationship where you aren't plan A?

I'm sorry if that hurts...but it's obvious to everyone reading this, that your WW doesn't respect you, doesn't want you, and wants out of the M. She proved it multiple times.

Have a hard conversation with yourself and figure out exactly what it will take for you to pull the trigger on the D. That event likely already happened...

Good luck. That's a hard road to walk.

Demands, directives... Bahama, Please do not take what any of us SUGGEST as a “you have to do this” unless the poster specifically states “you have to do this”. I hope and pray I didn’t come off that way to you. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

As for Mrs Bahama’s HT, she is a xxxxxxx. I think she is capable of figuring that out and explain it to her H appropriately. That wouldn’t have been a red flag, the tantrum she threw was, he also has every right to have an issue with her continued use.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 8:08 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

Have you never been flooded with stress, emotion, anxiety, helplessness, and frustration all combining to keep you from finding your words? It's called a lizard hijack for a reason. I see what was described more as a hijack than a tantrum. But find the most inflammatory descriptives if you must. It's very persuasive. Reduces her to way less than human.

While she may be as conniving, manipulative and devious as many here think she is, and some of the evidence certainly points that direction, having been a betrayed spouse with a similar lizard hijack where self-harm and mayhem was part of the reaction, to have some stranger call that incident a tantrum is so... parental of you.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 7:29 PM, October 14th (Monday)]

Jsmart wrote:

So I guess he had the vasectomy for nothing.

Are there other things that he should drop? Don't ask for a timeline because you don't want to make her feel bad. Don't hack into her phone to restore deleted messages because you should take her word.

We're seeing a man rush to rug sweep and trying nice his wife into R and some of you want to discourage him from pushing back on something that's triggering him?

None of us know if his WW is lying about the hormonal benefits or wants to keep her options open in case POS comes back into the picture. What we do know is this man had a vasectomy, at his WW's request, so she could get off of birth control. We also know that she sneakily got on birth control so she could have unprotected sex.

For me, in the "peanut gallery" I see a man that has taken so much abuse and been given so little in return.

I'm with you. I am misunderstanding the priority of concern for the possibility of Bahama's wife falling apart because she is losing the positive side benefits she *claimed* she was getting from taking her "cheating pills" over the fact that she should not be taking birth control because her husband has had a vasectomy and she was cheating on him so she needs to stop taking them?

Seriously, I'm reading about her menopause and all kinds of cooked up scenarios that were never offered into evidence by Bahama.

I say this in not an obnoxious tone, but a tone of supporting the betrayed spouse and not some imaginary scenario... Bahama's wife is a medical professional. She can certainly figure out how to safely go off of the birth control pills that hundreds, maybe thousands of other women discontinue every day.

And by the way, I have experience with this. I am very close to someone who took birth control pills for 25 years. And she took them because she had problems with her period, the birth control aspect was the secondary benefit in her case! And the way she stopped taking them was by stopping taking them.

How did we go from Bahama's wife is taking the pills for cheating to they are now somehow the cornerstone of her hormonal and mental health? Is there any evidence to support this? Why is anyone digging in on this?

Seriously, if Bahama wants her to stop taking the pills she should stop taking them. Safely. Yes, safely.

If she has an actual medical need to stay on these pills, and I would be SHOCKED if that was the case, then she needs to prove that to Bahama.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 1:00 AM, March 12th (Tuesday)]

I’ll be a contrarian. First, as a disclaimer, I don’t like waywards very much and I think D is the easiest path most of the time.

Having said that, you chose R for now. If BC triggers you, tell her exactly that, tell her it hurts you and a solution must be found. State your need and feelings and work from there.

You want to know why she sent you job offerings? Don’t ask us (SI), ask her. Talk to her.

Maybe her tears are master manipulative and she’s planning to take over the world. Have you put lettuce in her sandwich? You are being manipulated clearly. Or maybe she realizes what she’s done and she cries because of it. You’re there, we’re not, you decide. Sometimes people cry because they are sad. And I imagine some waywards have a conscience and they don’t like what they have done. Oh well, they need to feel the pain too.

You’re going through the roller coaster for sure and you’ll need to express whatever you go through to your WW. She put you in that situation and she’ll have to help you heal. If you think she can’t do that, you can just D her. You always have that option.