SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She asked me to stay and think about things so she could prove to me that she loved me. Even though she did something horrible she would try and make it up to me. I told her that it hurts to much and we both deserve better than this.

Spoken like a guy who already had a foot out the door. I'm sorry, but throwing away a lifetime together without so much as TRYING is pathetic.

Oh well. What can I say except that it's far easier to run away than it is to stay and fight.

To each his own.

The best part of your update?

I missed a phone call the other day from the OM wife. I called her back and she wanted all four of us to get together and clear the air. I told I better not ever see her husband and I gave her proof so I am done with all of this.

This is in line with what I have been saying all along: If you decide to divorce then do so fully. Commit to it in a truthful, complete and honest way. The messages you have been sending us haven’t been clear on that but your last update clarifies a lot. That meeting of all four would only have served any purpose had you wanted to R (and even then limited if any).

The only purpose any meeting like that would have been to clear the OMs good name, in other words a cover his ass meeting.

Or a million dollar bribe.

The OM wife is most likely in complete denial that he could possibly have been a part in this and caused a divorce.

it's far easier to run away than it is to stay and fight

What?? How is it productive to eviscerate someone who has made up his mind? So sad.

Spoken like a guy who already had a foot out the door. I'm sorry, but throwing away a lifetime together without so much as TRYING is pathetic.

LifeisCrazy, like you, I am trying to see if I can be happy and healthy within the marriage. However, I totally disagree with your assessment. First, I don't think it is up to anyone but ourselves as to what will give us the healthiest and happiest way forward. Second, he is not the one who threw away a lifetime together, she is. That is on her.

Wishing healing for all, whether that includes R or D.

Or a million dollar bribe.

Wish I could go.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 10:09 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

I think it's great that you're following your plan! You're not running away - you're choosing not to stay in a toxic situation, and you're taking care of yourself! Don't listen to people berating you for leaving, you have every right to leave and no duty to stick around and "try to make things work". Some people know cheating is the ultimate deal-breaker, and you are one of them. Good for you for not compromising your principles! It's great you won't be spending any more months of your time fighting your own principles, and that you'll start with your new life immediately!

I would, however, urge you to find a good counsellor in Florida for yourself.

I hope you'll give as an occasional update so we can continue to help you. Best wishes!

How is it productive to eviscerate someone who has made up his mind? So sad.

I will tell you how it is productive.

Following discovery we are ALL reeling. I don't need to tell you how upside down we all are. Infidelity is a major life trauma. This is why many of us recommend that NO major decisions be made in the first few months (or even year).

Maybe, just maybe, as he's packing for Florida, SG might think to himself, "You know, I've been with this woman for XX years. She made a terrible choice but, damn, she seems to truly be remorseful. Maybe I'll stay near my home and give this some time."

He doesn't HAVE to reconcile. He doesn't have to stay in his home or give his WW one iota of contact. He doesn't HAVE to do anything. We all understand that.

But to get up, immediately upon discovery, and (literally) turn your life upside down (end your marriage, move to a different part of the country, start banging other women, etc.) is NOT a smart move. It is a move that is suggestive of someone who either had already looked for an exit or had such a strongly preconceived notion of what he would do IF the event ever happened that - now - he feels he HAS to follow through. As if he's letting himself down if he doesn't immediately slam the door shut (and, apparently, superglue the hinges).

Look, there is standing up and handling infidelity through strength and resolve. I am all about that (as can be seen by my multiple posts on the subject). But doing what SG is doing with a WW who has immediately turned on a dime - well, that's a sign of something else entirely.

A few here have picked up on it and, quite frankly, I'm surprised that more haven't. Instead, I have the feeling that many posters who have had failed reconciliations are so happy to see someone immediately apply the hammer that they're losing sight of what is happening here. A guy making a lifelong decision this soon.

It's okay to leave the marriage if you have to. But doing so in this way, under these pretenses, is not a good move.

Sorry if I offended any of you.

Good luck Space Ghost. Everyone should be wishing you that and accusing you of things like running away is probably as idiotic as anything that has been posted here.

You stated what you were going to do from the first moment and have kept that as your course of action. It's time for everyone to stop questioning your decision. It is yours and yours alone to make.

It seems obvious wife of OM has decided to buy his bull shit and wants to maintain her lifestyle. This proosed meeting was just a set up to assure you he would leave her alone. A little late for that. Wouldn't be surprised if the two of them have talked to your wife to work it out.

Enjoy Florida. Best to your family

Lived in Florida for years - played golf everyday for years. Golf saved me from my WW's infidelity in way.

I am a lawyer - it sounds like you have gotten good advice. The only thing I would add is don't get lured into any conversation with the OM and I would limit conversations between the yourself and the OM wife.

Good luck. As I wrote earlier I suspect there will be a period of time when you are very angry with your WW - the anger ironically greater because she isn't a bad person, and she screwed up the life you should have had. You will never in the end know why she did it - and in time it will become clear that your WW really has no explanation for her massively self-destructive act.

I believe for a thinking and feeling person - in other words a good person - that being a wayward is worse than being betrayed. I think it will prove to be this way with your WW.

It also may be in time you decide that you want to reconcile. Divorce doesn't mean the end necessarily, though in time both of you may find someone else.

I am much like you: in my life I try to always look forward. Distance and time may give you a different perspective, but keep this one thing in mind:

You don't owe your WW anything.

I agree. ^^^^^

Take care of yourself and let us know how your relocation/divorce goes.

I wonder if your STBXW will follow you?

Keep communication open with your kids.

I am sure they are hurting as well.

HM

Lived in Florida for years - played golf everyday for years. Golf saved me from my WW's infidelity in way.

Looking back, I sure wish I have taken up golf years ago.

Well, you have been crystal clear about your boundaries and deal breakers, and are sticking to them.

It is so easy for others to say 'stay and fight', but to me you seem to know yourself very well and know this absolutely will not work now. Nothing 'easy' about choosing to divorce from someone you clearly still care about, and start a new life - alone - in a new place.

The fact you are being so reasonable in describing your spouse, when of course you could paint her to be a monster, indicates you are thinking pretty clearly.

When people beg to let them 'prove they love you' after being caught, then switch to 'you are running away!' - it smacks of attempts to manipulate you to do what THEY want. You aren't being taken in by it, and I think that speaks to your strength of character.

Best of luck in the future.

[This message edited by jobin at 10:54 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

It's okay to leave the marriage if you have to. But doing so in this way, under these pretenses, is not a good move.

Pretenses? What, that being cheated on and systematically lied being a deal-breaker is a pretense? It's not a pretense, it's EVERYTHING. He owes her nothing. She threw the relationship away, pissed on it, and then when she got busted started crying "woe is me! I'm sorry!" Why would anyone in their right mind want to stay with someone like that? Irrespective of what she says at this juncture, she wasn't sorry or remorseful until she got caught. that's a vile person right there, who threw away a long relationship for some "fun." And, in my experience, odds are she would do it again and again and again until she got caught again.

That's not "pretenses", that's self-respect and connection to reality. Period.

Spoken like a guy who already had a foot out the door. I'm sorry, but throwing away a lifetime together without so much as TRYING is pathetic.

That comes across as rude and judgmental.

I would say the one who is throwing away something is the WW. I will refer to SG's well known and communicated to his wife, stance on infidelity - it is a deal breaker. SHE still cheated knowing this, SHE is throwing a lifetime together away.

[This message edited by PNWDad at 10:52 AM, February 20th (Friday)]

I think Fla is a great place for golf plus you have the coast and beach. Man I wish I could get out and play a round or 2 with you. Drive safe and take care of yourself.

Cheers

This is my first post at SI,

I can not say which is better D than R, all I can say that is that you would have done the same.

I also read sophie's treads at LS and as I remember her husband got suspicious because the first time she cheated she was a mess and he knew something just happened. I believe your wife didnt felt that way because her affair didnt just happend, was planned with a cold mind (burning phone, no acting weird, etc). She made and informed decision knowing the risk and accepting it.

IMO she may be in a MLC. If you want read the Kingwood Kev threads at TAM, her wife did the same to him but she fell for OM. I belive there is much more than she has accepted but you will never know, even if you recover text from her burning phone you wont be satisfy and as you are not R is point less.

Dont let your self be depressed, you have achieve more in this time that others in a year. You have achieve COMPASION for her, this is very important, and at the same time you are already MOVING to a new life!

Just one other thing, IMO if Florida is not whant you are looking for move closer to your frinds and family.

I strongly recomend not talking to your wife any more, just about kids and D and better by text. Do 180 as it is for detaching. Every time you talk to her you are going to feel sad and she as well. The less you are in contact the faster you can move on.

Good luck

SpaceGhost, good luck, good golfing and may time and distance help you to heal from this situation.

craig2001 said:

Clearing the air would have been nothing but lies and blaming your wife for 100% of everything that happened. The OM truly sounds pathetic.

Seeing this might actually be instructive for her.

good luck, SG.

You deserved better and I wish you the best.

Everyone can learn from your decisiveness here.

Good call on not meeting as a foursome. It was a setup and you avoided it big time. Maybe the OMW is rugsweeping. You didn't have to and didn't. Good for you.

Take care and keep us informed