SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Maybe no 'theme', but perhaps a small cake or pie . . . something that goes well with ice cream (if he likes that) . . . just to remind yourself it's small and unassuming (now), but it can be added to (or built upon).

(Great poem from LotR, scherzoid)

"A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step." (But note, don't be surprised if you trip over something with that first step. Just get up and take another.)

[This message edited by c24j at 7:01 PM, December 6th (Wednesday)]

Does he like or allow small surprises or gifts?

Does he like the latest gadgets?

Maybe one of the latest gadgets might help, like the gadget that you attach to some thing easy to lose and the gadget will help you find it, by letting you know the location?

Just wondering, but you know him and what he likes.

Maybe surprise him with that.

I've spent the last few days reading this entire thread. I'm very very impressed by the profound wisdom shown by some. I'm also impressed of CSCE's work - with a sting of jealousy. My own WW have not yet shown quite the same ambition but we're working on it.

I registered to start out slowly by leaving this comment - I have my own story to tell as a BH. Not sure I'm ready yet though. Thank you all, I've benefited greatly from just following advice from this thread.

And finally, CSCE, I'm kinda rooting for you and I wish your husband allowed himself to consider working on it. Fingers crossed!

CSCE:

My other Lord of the Rings Favorite :

“All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring

Loneliness is never more cruel than when it is felt in close propinquity with someone who has ceased to communicate.

Germaine Greer

CSCE: We haven't heard from you in awhile. I know that this has to be a tough time for you with the holidays and all. We all care about you and we are rooting for you so hold on. As they say, "When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

How is your husband doing? what is his emotional state? I hope he is seeking counseling for all the damage done. I started IC last month and it has helped me tremendously with my PTSD from the trauma I experienced with my WW's affair.

[This message edited by LivingWithPain at 3:31 PM, December 11th (Monday)]

CECS

I saw a holiday pie meme on Facebook today and thought of you. Wishing you strength. You are a worthwhile person.

Hope you are okay.

hope you have a good christmas.

Are you okay?

CSCE:

We are not giving up on you. You've got to "Rise Up".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lwgr_IMeEgA

Perhaps a "no news is good news" scenario, or just taking a break.

CSCE

We were in the same boat as you and your hubby. I was the cheater, and we went through a whole lot of hurting the crap out of each other. She was isolated and alone, and I asked her out for coffee to go over financial details. The old her appeared to come out. We did not fight, or even raise our voices. It was pleasant. I was bold and asked her out a couple of nights later. We went for coffee again. Emboldened, I asked for the next night. We went for dinner. This kept up for a few weeks. I asked her out for a movie. She asked if we were dating. I said that just being together was all I wanted. She did not give me a lot of signals, so I pressed on. This was March and April. In May, I was seeing her every day, I would come up with excuses. We were still a little uncomfortable. I asked if she was still ok, and she was getting there. By June, I decided to drop all pretense, and just come and pick her up when work was done. I knew we were getting somewhere, when she suggested going to an old make-out spot. First time since February that we had touched. That accelerated the courting. I actively sought to help her find a new job. I was giving her almost all of my pay, I held enough back for food. In July, we decided that the separation had really run its course and we would move back in together. It has now been 30 years since that despicable time. It took years to fix the damage, but it was fixed. Today, we are very much in love. Going through another honeymoon phase (love those), and just yesterday, our daughter's young man came to my office unexpectedly. He asked for her hand. OMG. We are going to make a wedding. I am going to walk my beautiful amazing girl down the aisle. If there is any sign that god above is smiling down on us, I got it yesterday (Wife and I polished off two bottles of champagne last nite-oy what a hangover)

i hope you have a loving christmas, and that the new year brings alot of goodness and positive progress for you and your family. make this new year the best.

Hope you both have a warm and wonderful holiday season!!

CSCE - believe me when I say as a BS we want to see the good in our WS's. But the shock of the trauma gets in our way.

I hope for you this season a continuation of the release of the anger from your loved ones and a release of the shame for you. It is a roller coaster which means if you are down you will go up again and vice versa. Perseverance is the key to surviving this and you've got that in spades.

Read Tutu's Forgiveness book. It will help you realize that you have to tell your story, name your hurt, and renew your relationship with yourself and your WS. This takes a lot of time but hopefully as time marches on hardened hearts soften because everyone, including you, deserves to be happy.

Your BS will realize the same. Perhaps in time you can read that book together.

Hello Can't. You haven't been on in a long time. Can we have an update?

As others have said, R takes a long ,long time. I know of a couple who divorce after the wife had an affair. But the attraction was still there, and the husband returned to her after two years. So, you see, there is still hopr.

CSCE:

Just touching base here. I don't know how religious you are but here is my favorite Christmas song being sung by my favorite group. I hope you are holding on and that you know we are all still here hoping for the best for you. You deserve happiness, and you will find it. Have faith that Mary's son still loves you and is still there for you.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifCWN5pJGIE

Hi everyone

Sorry for my absence - it's been an overwhelming couple of weeks, capped off with terrible (though not unexpected) news.

BH decided he wants a divorce, today. He said he is open to the possibility of a new relationship with me at some point in the future, whenever he feels like dating again, but right now he doesn't want any relationship, he doesn't know when he will, and he can't guarantee he would want one with me then. In the meantime, he wants to divorce, be "roommates", and to get rid of/destroy the relics of our relationship.

He hasn't been able to tell me what any of that looks like, nor what he wants (other than to stay in the house and not be married to me).

I'm a mess. Something broke in me, tonight...I didn't know there was anything left to break.

I feel like I'm in an MC Escher staircase version of purgatory. I think I'm making progress and getting somewhere, only to find out that for all my efforts I'm actually right back where I started...

I'm fighting the urge not to withdraw and shut myself down, though I think I might be failing. I can feel the empty void taking over - pushing all the hurt, frustration, and fear away, and replacing them with a nothingness that's comfortingly familiar, even as I know it's harmful.

I don't know how I could stay and wait on the hope of a maybe in the indeterminate future. That takes faith in his feelings for me, which I am realizing I don't have.

I'm struggling. My heart feels like it's being wrung out - twisted so tightly I can't breathe. The ground feels like it's opened up under my feet, ready to swallow me whole. I've never felt so alone.

You're not alone CECS. You have a strong support system here. So he's expecting you to be his roommate forever? Would you both date? I'm looking forward to hearing the advice of our wise and experienced reformed WS's, but my initial gut instinct is this does not sound like a healthy relationship plan.

Sending out hugs and clarity CECS. You're not alone. You will be okay.

[This message edited by sassylee at 8:38 AM, January 1st (Monday)]

I have no words of comfort CSCE, just words of support and sorrow at your news.

You should be proud of the way you have handled yourself since DD. Many BH's would have wished for a remorseful WW like you. It just seems it's not in your husband's wiring to reconcile. It's not about you but his own perception of self respect. That may change after the divorce but I tend to think you would be best advised to move on before then.

There is no short-cut to get over the hurt or feelings of loneliness. If anyone can help you in doing that on this site it is probably sassylee and the experienced WS's she refers to.

Take care.

CSCE,

I’m so sorry, and I had to fight tears as I read your post. Although your BH had been leaning toward D feom the beginning I had very much hoped that perhaps there might be a different outcome for the two of you. You have worked so very hard on yourself over these last several months. I’m so, so sorry.

I know every relationship is different, but I empathize with you in that my BH has recently also told me that he wants a divorce, and I am currently at my brother’s house (alone, as my husband kept my son with him, my brother is away on a work-related trip out of town, and my mother is on a cruise). I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, but I believe I can relate. It hurts like nothing I have ever experienced except for the death of my father. But please hang on. Know that you have support here in addition to your family and friends IRL and your IC. Please know that you are not alone.

The tears have won, they are falling. Going to press send, and wish for you peace in 2018, even in the midst of this loss and hurt.