SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

What you are suggesting is that the kids need to see their parent in a bad light. By your argument you would show the kids pictures of their mother in racy clothing that she sent to her AP but not the nudes and feel that the kids should see it to get the big picture of what was done. Does the child, even young adult benefit from seeing the evidence? Does the child who sees the end result of infidelity need to see evidence of each act of betrayal? As a parent, your job is to protect your children. Showing your child pictures of texts between a wayward spouse and an AP is not protecting the child, that is injuring them.
You do not burden your child with emotional trauma like that.
Any sane BS would not make their adult children be an emotional mess showing how messed up a person can be during an affair. Its nonsense!

One of SI's endearing (or annoying for some) quirks is what we see in the last several pages of this thread.

The OP, JustCrushed, did not ever indicate that showing incriminating texts between his WW and POSOM to his stepdaughters is something he is or would be considering.

And yet, we have like 5 pages of spirited back and forth between SIers on why JC should or shouldn't do so.

One of SI's endearing (or annoying for some) quirks is what we see in the last several pages of this thread.

The OP, JustCrushed, did not ever indicate that showing incriminating texts between his WW and POSOM to his stepdaughters is something he is or would be considering.

And yet, we have like 5 pages of spirited back and forth between SIers on why JC should or shouldn't do so. laugh

No, he didn’t, another poster did. We’re not just writing to the OP. These posts are not just for the OP’s benefit. We’re all trying to survive infidelity and learn from each other. My D-Day was in 2013 and I’m still learning from this forum.

JC, hope you are as well as can be under these incredibly trying circumstances and are availing yourself of various avenues of close support.

As to how much/what to disclose to your yet-teenage daughters, I too join with those who are discouraging the revelation of those horrible communiques. It is not needful imo and would compound the trauma in their still-young lives (Im a proud Dad of multiple now-young women) and is unnecessary when explaining to them what you are now having to do and why.

Wishing you even greater strength as you deal with this aspect of your stbxw's infidelity shyt show.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:58 PM, Monday, March 25th]

RB,

I get that and am not complaining at all. My DDay was a few years before yours BTW.

He's the only dad they have ever known. There will be a feeling of "why can't you forgive her. She made a mistake. If you loved us, you would work to keep the family together."

Choosing to divorce is a dramatic step (in their eyes). He needs to show... Not just tell...how deep the betrayal was so that they understand.

Man I wish my dad had sat me down and explained things.

And he's not putting his wife in a negative light. She did that by her actions. Again, it's factual, historical information. The kids need to know the details so that they can make decisions on how they themselves can be better people.

I have college kids. They're very mature. They're still my kids.

My oldest daughter found out about the affair, at 18,because ow messaged her on social media, with graphic details, screenshots,etc.

It was devastating to her. It had caused her to mistrust people in her life. She had to go to therapy. Her relationship with her step-dad has never recovered. It was PAINFUL to her.

Why anyone would want to inflict that pain on an innocent party, absolutely shocks me.

Thankfully, JC has never indicated he wants to do this. Judging by his comments, I highly doubt this would have crossed his mind.

You don't cause intentional pain to a child of yours, just because you want them on your side.

Telling them the divorce is a result of their mother's infidelity is enough. If they ask for details, no problem. But showing them her sexts, or pics that were exchanged is unnecessarily cruel.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:18 PM, Monday, March 25th]

My last post on the subject...

Again, Noone is saying to post the pics or the sexts.

But I would definitely show, and the daughters deserve to see, "if it's any consolation, I was thinking of you", with the date stamp of their anniversary.

18 year olds are voting and dying in wars. We should stop underestimatinv them.

mind,
I understand your trying to say that people 18 and over are adults, but we are not talking about adults. My children, when they are adults, fully grown, will always be my children.
Just because someone is old enough to experience the truth of what has happened does not mean that I, as a parent, should help them to experience it.
You can be mad at your wayward spouse, you can hate them with all of your being, but showing any texts to your kids is really just venting your anger at the wayward onto your kids.
"See James, look at what your mother was doing. Yes i know you know she cheated on me. Yes, you know she had sex with him. Yes you know I am a victim, but you need to see some of the things she said to him. Now doesnt that just make you feel better? Dont you feel like she is such a horrible person. Maybe you can spend the rest of your life not trusting the person you choose to be with. Good talk son. Now go join the military and vote because youre an adult and can clearly handle the trauma that I just gave to you. I love you and remember your mom is a waste of human flesh. Go get'em tiger!"

As a mother of an 18 year old young adult..I KNOW what seeing that shit did to my kid. Suddenly becoming a legal adult, doesn't mean your kids are suddenly not your kids.

As parents, it is our job to protect them,when possible.

It is unnecessary to show them anything. Tell them the truth. But they don't need to see hard evidence. You don't weaponize kids..of any age..to cause pain to their other parent.

Mindracing..did you show your kids pics and texts?

JC..I don't believe you would show that evidence to the kids who consider you their father. Take it from me..a mom who's child was shown that kind of evidence..you don't want that. Did it hurt my husband? Definitely. Did it hurt MY CHILD? Absolutely.

I would have rather had my child side with their father,and taken the blame, before I ever would have wanted her to see what she saw. I would have taken that "bullet."

Age appropriate honesty. Always. But the graphic details? No.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:22 PM, Monday, March 25th]

FWIW, consider only sharing "Your mother has admitted to extensive adultery" and leave it at that FOR NOW. In the event your adulterous wife starts trying to turn the girls against you, and everyone starts pressuring you to forgive her "little mistake", I would THEN, and only then, consider sharing some of the text messages (NOT PICS), as little as possible to get the impact needed to get them to stop.

There’s another poster here somewhere that D his WW and many years later his daughter(s?) were pressuring him big time to forgive mom & get back together with her. As what’s being suggested here, the adult kids didn’t know the quarter of what actually went down, and it was only upon him sharing more of the repulsive details of how her & AP had shamed BH and were downright cruel to him that his kids finally backed off.

[This message edited by gr8ful at 8:13 PM, Monday, March 25th]

I think how much to show deserves more discussion. But I don't want to hijack this post (anymore than I have already). Starting a general forum discussion and will be cut and pasting from this discussion.

See you guys in general.

JC, just know that you have been heard brother. I know things are terrible right now, but I know you will weather the storm. Hang it there!

JustCrushed... I hope things are going well for you... as well as can be expected at this point of this shitty situation.

Anything new happening to you since you last posted?

Here is wishing the very best for you.

straightup wrote:

From OP’s first post:

"I’m 38 and my WW is 43. We’ve been married for fourteen years. When I first met my WW she was divorced and had twin four year old girls. They were five when we got married and are now nineteen and in college."

That’s a lot of history.

OP knows what his relationship is with those girls and whether he is Dad to them, or whether he is Mum’s husband.

If the former, he has those relationships and responsibilities to take care of, irrespective of his WW. It sounds like he is being good about it. Knowing his legal obligations is always useful but decisions like this aren’t only about legal obligations.

If he would pay college anyway, and could get a favorable terms on property settlement for locking that in, he should discuss that with his lawyer.

That's a good point. If it's a promise to the children, it's a promise. My WH and I set up college and other funds for our children starting when they were born. Our children were raised to expect us paying for college and other life events. It would have been hurtful to them if my WH wanted a divorce and to change the deal for them. The funds, I believe, were legally set up with us (individually) having ownership and children as beneficiaries. I would have covered the difference if it came to that, but the point stands.

At times I get caught up in how unfair all of this is to the BS and have a hard time seeing past that.

It’s just been a horrible few days. I should have listened to what many of you had been saying. I wanted to check the girls Facebook pages and get up to date before I called them. I was blocked there and then found I was blocked on everything, included their phones. I then called the husbands of our two closest friends and they both had similar stories. They said that they couldn’t support both WW and me and that while they weren’t taking sides, she was a mess and the one that badly needed support. They both thought it best if we didn’t see each other for a while. Then, I decided that instead of calling, I’d go visit my in-laws. I had planned to tell them what happened, but spare them the really bad details. I also wanted to thank them for making me a part of their family for the past fourteen years. My MIL wouldn’t even open the door. She yelled through the window to get off her property or she’d call the police. WTF.

At first I was stunned by all this, then I just got really, really angry. I had to go back to the house to pick up some last stuff. WW was there and she could tell I was obviously pissed. When she said why are you so angry, I just went off on her. I’ve never done that before. I told (actually yelled) her I wasn’t angry, I was livid. I told her exactly what had happened with the girls, her mother and our friends. I said that I know I’m not perfect, but for fourteen years I had tried every single day to be the best husband, the best lover and the best friend to her and the best father I could be to the girls. And, she blows up our marriage and then gets to walk away with the only things that truly matter. I then told her to stay the fuck out of my life and that she had done more than enough damage for a lifetime. I’m still shocked that I could just go off like that.

When I got back to my apartment, it was the worst feeling in the world. I hadn’t felt that alone in a long, long time. When I finally went to bed, I was just flooded with memories from my childhood . Each time I was moved, I remember the first few nights were just really hard -- hoping these new people wouldn’t hurt me, wishing I had parents like everyone else and wondering if I was somehow to blame for all this. I felt just as alone now as I did back then. Here I am, 38 years old and being moved and starting over again. I don’t know what the fuck else could go wrong right now. Sorry for the rant.

Oh gosh. I am so very terribly sorry for what you are going through. Your wife needs to fix this. She claims she loves you and wants to make it work, she has to see how devastating this would be for you.

Please don't blame the girls or even her parents. They are taking their cues from her.

When you have settled a bit, write her a letter expressing what losing everyone has done to you, and ask her to speak to them and to explain to them that you have done nothing wrong and deserve nothing but love, understanding and compassion from them.

If she refuses to help to make this right, you will know that she doesn't love you the way she claims. She only cares for herself and her own reputation.

I don't remember if you're in therapy, but if not, please get yourself into IC right away. You don't deserve this, and I'm so sorry you're going through this. I really thought that eventually the two of you could work this out. But not if she doesn't have compassion for your pain. Please take care of yourself, and look to the future. It really does get better.

Unfortunately, she's been doing damage control. For the girls, and in-laws to act like that, she must have lied her ass off about you. Cheating wives typically tell people their bh abused them, once the bh decides to leave.

I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve any if this.

Now..you need to get a voice activated recorder. Never be around her again, without it on. You need to protect yourself from false dv charges.

JC, I’m so sorry your WW has poisoned your family and friend relationships. Your WW did this, planned it and executed it and knows exactly what she is doing.

This site and others preach taking the high road when it comes to separation and divorce. This is an example of when taking the high road doesn’t mean pay off.

I know you love your daughters, and at some point, you will be able to fill them in on the truth. God only knows what your WW has told them and other family and friends. A lot of people will say who cares, cut them out of your life. A lot simpler said than done.

I’m truly sorry.

Your WW most likely did not tell people the real reason why you guys are getting divorce. People will not act that way towards you if they know the real story. Makes me wanna send them all the text to show them the real reason for the divorce.

I'm probably in the minority here, but I don't think it mattered what story you told and what details and proof you shared with your in-laws and even your step-daughters. You seemed to think early on that her family would "circle the wagons" and exclude you. I've been there and seen it, but not necessarily with my infidelity story. Some people, particularly family and certain friends, just don't care.