SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Completely understandable, three decades invested is not easy to walk away from, regardless of the trauma...however, it still may have to be done.

I may be in R, but I am completely prepared to walk in the event of any future indiscretions.

I also did not have a WW that went bat shit crazy and made false DV claims...I would have walked instantly if she had.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 6:27 PM, October 8th (Sunday)]

36y, my heart breaks for you. Even knowing the pain WS put BS through, it doesn't just automatically change our feelings and vows that we have made. Take your time in all of this. If you are panicking and rushing to make a decision, it will be too fast for you. Yes get advice from a lawyer and protect yourself, in all the ways that you've been advised on here. Especially the VAR's and other such things. Yes yes yes do those things. And get a healthy support system around you as well.

But know that often head decisions will (need to be) made ahead of when the heart / emotions are ready to.. and that is OK. You are already in a better place because you are protecting yourself, and not allowing WW to manipulate you. Good on you friend, keep it going.

Read this again by TimelessLoss:

Also understand that there is more to it than that. She believes she is "normal". She is immersed in a cheating lifestyle. To the UGGs, the CheerTeam, the inhabitants of the cesspool at work, this is "normal" behavior.

She'll report back to them about the latest convo, how controlling, how "crazy" you are. They will reinforce that view. That is the feedback loop that feeds her BSC.

I agree with the poster that said you run the risk of her agreeing to your conditions. Her CheerTeam may even advise that, because they can tell her all the ways to work around them.

^^ There are key points that will help you when you are wavering or wondering "Am I doing the right thing" et cetera. You can't evaluate your WH's actions and thoughts because she is not thinking as you do, nor is she behaving rationally. She has plenty of support to do what she is doing. And they will continue to support her.

I'm sorry for your pain. OrdinaryDude is right that it is not easy to walk away from... And that's why I said take your time right now. Get healthy support. You will get through this. (((36)))

Man, I have been worried about you. Hope you are doing well. I know you know to take it one day at a time. Communicate your needs and wants clearly and often. Let her know how much she hurt you until she gets it. Eventually she will.

I have to say, on an emotional level, that no matter how much bat shut crazy I experience, this is still a difficult thing to go through.

No question. It's obvious you were the more invested partner (that is almost always the case) and had a much more significant amount of commitment to your spouse and the marriage. That's hard to let go. It IS difficult because YOU believed in marriage for life. THEY believe in marriage until it is no longer convenient for them. We have trouble wrapping our head around that one.

Communicate your needs and wants clearly and often. Let her know how much she hurt you until she gets it. Eventually she will.

Bullshit.

If you are dealing with a Cluster B disorder (and I and others think it is a distinct possibility, there is NO WAY IN HELL that they will EVER get it. They just don't and won't.

I wrote letter after letter to my now-ex, telling him how I felt. As I mentioned to you earlier, it was definitely pearls before swine. He truly thinks he was justified in his multiple affairs and many other actions that are just as horrific.

He is disordered, pure and simple.

You cannot reconcile with a disordered person who does not recognize their disordered state and work to correct it. Unfortunately, with many Cluster B disorders, they will never recognize their issues.

Get with a good IC and an even better attorney. Six months from now, I'm willing to bet that you will be in a much, much better place.

Cat

Catwoman is right. Listen to her, 36

Catwoman, thanks as always.

Just a little more background (or other things that cause me to shout "WTF?")

In 2013 my number 2 son died. Truly a horrible day for my wife and me as she discovered his body while I was on the phone with her.

This was a terrible time for both of us. Neither one of us could walk by his bedroom without reliving those moments.

A few months later, my number 3 son called to tell us he was having marital problems. His wife was having serial ONSs. She had created a profile on several websites similar to Ashley Madison. She was looking for sexual partners, male, female...it didn't matter.

My wife decided to fly across country to help with our granddaughters, console my son, and try to get them both into marriage counseling.

She was gone for six months. In hindsight I suppose that means I can live without her.

She observed the devastating affects infidelity had and still has on our son. She saw the cheating, the provocative images his wife had posted on the cheating sites, she saw emails and texts. My wife would call me on the phone and tell me how awful the fallout of affairs could be.

She stayed through the divorce. She was there when our former DIL moved in with the mechanic who fixed her car. She was there when this POSOM was brought into court for sexually abusing two of our granddaughters.

She saw the humiliation, the abuse, the misery and the utter destruction in the life of my son.

Despite this and her overall thoughts of how awful affairs are, she chose to be in one (that I know of).

I still can't understand how you can go from seeing the destructive nature of an affair, realizing what it destroys, to engaging in one of your own. Her foreknowledge relieves her of any acceptable excuse.

Life is a puzzle and I'm missing a few pieces.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 2:09 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

36, I've been following your threads, and thought I'd chime in after reading that your WW told you the POSOM was a better man than you.

I find that laughable. At best, the POSOM is a walking penis with man attached. Screwing married women is his calling in life. Other than a penis, this likely guy has nothing substantial to offer in life.

As far as your WW is concerned, she obviously felt entitled to her affair. Enough so, that you're the bad guy for not forgetting her having a little fun on the side.

No matter how many threads I read here, I'm still amazed at how seemingly happy marriages can turn on a dime, like yours. How do you go from being happily married, to the extreme like your WW, and so many others??? I am very sorry about the passing of your son, I can't image the pain of going through that.

Whatever you decide to do about your M, please know that her A was not your fault.

Wishing you strength.

36,

It seems like you are a man of fixed principles, which you apply to any given situation in life. If, for example, you had the opportunity to steal something, you wouldn't do it, regardless of the scenario. That gives you consistency as a person. You do not compartmentalize and treat every scenario as a different situation, and then rationalize whether or not it is right to steal in each of them. For you, it is wrong to steal in any of them, and therefore you would spend no time trying to justify theft.

I believe that your wife probably does compartmentalize, which means she can see the impact of infidelity in the life of your son as specific to that single scenario, and then make her decisions about cheating with the OM as if it is a totally disconnected scenario. It is possible that your wife had sympathy for your son being hurt, without focusing on the source and cause of the pain. In fact, given that she had cheated while she was engaged to you, she may have actively not focused on the impact of infidelity, because she was guilty of it herself. She may instead have viewed it as 'a painful break-up'.

Unlike you, your wife does not have such fixed principles, and so she has become adept at justifying actions that your principles would prevent you from committing. She also seems to have built up a sense of grievance and resentment against you, cheered on by her friends, and doubtless encouraged by the OM. And that suited her, because she wanted to have the affair. It becomes a self-reinforcing process that builds up its own momentum, to the point where she genuinely seemed to feel not only justified, but actually 'right' to have done what she did. I cannot imagine you ever starting such a process, let alone going along for the ride, which is why I think you find her approach and attitude so hard to understand.

Have you asked her how she can justify what she has done after seeing what it did you your son?

Is this the same son that she ambushed you with at the restaurant? If so how can he live with supporting what she has done after it happened to him?

If not, what does the son who was cheated on have to say about her betrayal?

Have you asked her how she can justify what she has done after seeing what it did you your son?

She claims temporary insanity. Seems to be common among WS.

Is this the same son that she ambushed you with at the restaurant?

Yes, he is the same one.

If so how can he live with supporting what she has done after it happened to him?

I have no answer for this.

If not, what does the son who was cheated on have to say about her betrayal?

I sat him down and discussed it with him I said remember when...

and the lights seem to come on. Time will tell.

36,

To cut to the chase here, what are you looking for your wife to say that will make everything she has done alright and acceptable to you, and justify reconciliation?

[This message edited by M1965 at 6:46 PM, October 9th (Monday)]

M1965, there is absolutely nothing she can say that will justify her behavior or cause me to set aside what she has done.

However, there are some actions she can take, if sustained, that might make R a possibility.

She claims temporary insanity

Yes, A popular "no fault" self diagnosis.

Everything is defined by action. She thinks that you will get over it. Your lack of action indicates that to be the case.

If you show her you are serious, she will take it seriously.

She does not respect you and that has to change.

She observed the devastating affects infidelity had and still has on our son. She saw the cheating, the provocative images his wife had posted on the cheating sites, she saw emails and texts. My wife would call me on the phone and tell me how awful the fallout of affairs could be.

I had a similar situation--my now-ex discovered that his mother was having an affair (and it was common knowledge in our community). It upset him greatly.

It did not prevent him from having affairs of his own (and from him seeking support from his mother for his illicit activities).

The disordered have their own reality and it doesn't resemble ours in the least.

It's not temporary insanity. It's a conscious choice. Actually, it's a series of conscious choices--choices to not only commit adultery, but to lie and hide it from you and others.

My concern is that this woman has issues (and has had them for a long time) owning her behaviors. That, in my opinion, is the #1 thing that needs to happen for any thoughts turning towards reconciliation. As long as she continues to blame you, the marriage, "temporary insanity" and the like, she is not owning her behaviors and she will not be a safe partner or a good candidate for reconciliation.

It sounds like she's not willing to put in the hard work, and with the benefit of hindsight, I will tell you that unless she is, she is NOT a candidate for reconciliation.

I would move forward with filing. There's no real upside to continuing to live in limbo, and it merely puts you at risk for more of her shenanigans.

Cat

another good post by catwoman.

Hope you read that a few times.

Speed up the D. She is still in contact with the OM.

Go NC to avoid other traps from her.

getting away from the source of your pain will help you. She keeps setting traps for you.

Hope the VAR is on you at all times.

wow, 36, after going through affairs by your son's wife, he still challenged you on your wife's infidelity ???

You must really feel isolated because your son expected you to endure what he couldn't himself.

I feel so sorry for you.

Move on decisively and take care of yourself

Western, I do feel isolated. I feel like my plane crashed in the wilderness and I have to fight for survival alone with no tools or weapons.

Thanks for using that word. I used to think the adulterer would get isolated, but not anymore. The victim seems to get sh!t on every time he/she turns around. I know life isn't fair but this is ridiculous.

36,

I think the isolation you feel probably may partly result from how you and your wife have been handling things since the affair came out. Your wife has constantly tried to rally people to her flag, whether it was the crowd of affair cheerleaders at work, or the friends that she badmouthed you to and played the victim to, or the OM that she colluded with (going so far as co-operating on the false DV calls), and even dragging your sons into the mess and complaining to them about the horrible trauma she is suffering because you do not believe she is remorseful. How she can do that after saying to you that what she was 'sorry' about was getting caught is anybody's guess, but the point is, she is a past master at manipulating situations to her advantage. You are not.

When you first posted, you were trying to tough it out on your own, while your wife was actively rallying as many people as she could to her cause and spreading lies about you.

As time passed, you opened up in your posts here, saw your physician, became open to counselling, and I hope that using these resources has benefited you. However, you are a square-dealer, not a manipulator, so you have not been out on the campaign trail, telling all and sundry about the details of what your wife has done, and you had no intention of dragging your kids into the issue, so you did not sit them down and explain everything that your wife has done to you, some of which border on aggressive acts that are a long way from the supposed remorse that she told your son she has been feeling. You may want to ask your son if he thinks a false DV charge and you being put in handcuffs was an act of remorse, or an act of aggression, and see if he can figure it out. The trouble is, he has had only one side of the story, and he has probably been treated to a whole truckload of lies and fairytales.

So of course you feel a bit isolated, because you are a decent guy, and you do not like airing your dirty laundry to everyone you know. Your wife feels no such hesitance, and she will willingly mislead people and haul your kids into it if she sees any benefit to her in doing that. Thus, she has rallied a crowd behind her, while you have a smaller gathering behind you. However, the support that you do have is solid, and you have done no wrong.

I think it would benefit you to set a number of the key players straight about what you have been subjected to, because the actions of your wife in not just having the affair, but in how she has treated you afterwards, have been unusually aggressive and bullying, and verged on abuse at times. There is nothing wrong in stating your case, or letting people know what has been done to you, particularly of your wife is so active in pretending she is the victim of something she perpetrated. In effect, your wife has isolated you by talking to all the key players and trying to get them on her side by giving them a boatload of bullshit.

I know that we are not so much people as words on a screen, but we are with you in spirit 36, and even if there are times when we may say some hard things, it is done because we want the best outcome for you, and because we do not want you to be victimised any more than you already have been.

I often wish that we could be with posters in person, to go and have a beer with them, talk things through in person, and if necessary, go and have words with people on their behalf. I have felt that very much in your thread, and I am sure there are several more people here who would be with you if they could be.

That reminds me of something I may already have suggested, which is to do some internet searching to see if there are any local support groups for betrayed husbands/spouses in your area. Even if there is one that might be a bit of a distance away, I think it would be worth going along and telling your story. You would be surprised at how much support you will get.

36, you will prevail, one way or the other, if you stay true to yourself and you do not betray your core values and principles. Those are solid, and you should not have to compromise them to bend yourself into a pretzel to accommodate the questionable actions of another. Your wife may have betrayed you, but she cannot make you betray yourself, and from everything I have read here, you are a good and decent man who should have been cherished and valued.