SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Frankly I am insulted that she picked someone so far beneath me.

Here's an old thread about the wayward spouse "affairing down"... Spoiler alert: it's very common.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=558762&AP=161

My XWWs knight in faux leather armour was an unemployed, unskilled day-labourer living in his parent's basement. To be fair, his knowledge of gangsta rap music was pretty extensive.

I just got a text from her: "I'm going to have my hair done, will you pay for it?"

If my WW had asked me that, I'd say, "That depends on whether they're doing it with a guillotine or not."

But I'm kind of a dick that way.

36 I have followed your journey and only replied a couple of times as I'm fairly new here and others have way better advice. Clearly your wife is b s crazy for this dangerous AP you know that so please do everything you can to protect yourself. Time to put all efforts into getting yourself through this, your a smart man and anyone in your position would struggle with emotions as you have. Be kind to yourself now and keep running to the light

I just got a text from her: "I'm going to have my hair done, will you pay for it?"

As I recall, she was having her hair done about once a week so she could look more attractive to him. Trigger.

I decided not to respond.

Good. Keep not responding.

Now, find out from your attorney if moving out is going to impact anything, if cancelling joint credit cards is going to impact anything and how quickly she can be served. You should also find out how the attorney sees a divorce for you financially--what sort of obligation (seeing that you do not have minor children) would you have for her. Fortunately for you, most states don't have alimony any longer; however, you might end up having to pay a couple of years of "rehabilitative alimony," but if she's been in the workforce full time for a while, that may not be awarded to her.

Look, I know it's a lot. But you're not going to benefit right now from waiting to act legally. And taking control brings its own measure of peace.

Remember, this legal stuff can ALWAYS be undone. Always. But you can't undo a DV charge or a night in jail.

She's going to continue to blame you because she cannot focus on her own actions and take responsibility for the same.

Cat

My man

50 yrs, 36 yrs, 25 yrs, 10 yrs, 1 yr. Does it really matter.

When someone who supposedly has your back, repeatedly plunges a knife in your back up to the hilt, has discussed your disposal, does their absolute best to emasculate you & then hands you 1" happy face band-aids to cover the 10" gapping wound and tells you to suck it up butter cup can in my opinion go fuck themselves.

Why waste your time with a person who did this.

Sending strength my man

You are going to want to get to that lawyer before she figures out that she can spend as much of your money as she wants until you Get the divorce in the works.

and I love his responses to her last night BTW

Everychance

36 I have followed your journey and only replied a couple of times as I'm fairly new here and others have way better advice. Clearly your wife is b s crazy for this dangerous AP you know that so please do everything you can to protect yourself. Time to put all efforts into getting yourself through this, your a smart man and anyone in your position would struggle with emotions as you have. Be kind to yourself now and keep running to the light.

Good advice. Thanks.

Catwoman

Look, I know it's a lot. But you're not going to benefit right now from waiting to act legally. And taking control brings its own measure of peace.

Remember, this legal stuff can ALWAYS be undone. Always. But you can't undo a DV charge or a night in jail.

She's going to continue to blame you because she cannot focus on her own actions and take responsibility for the same.

As always, you are on spot on.

notanotherchance

When someone who supposedly has your back, repeatedly plunges a knife in your back up to the hilt, has discussed your disposal, does their absolute best to emasculate you & then hands you 1" happy face band-aids to cover the 10" gapping wound and tells you to suck it up butter cup can in my opinion go fuck themselves.

Why waste your time with a person who did this.

Well put. Thanks.

I can't even imagine what size broom you would need to rugsweep all of the shit she has been producing. Maybe a street sweeper?

Most of us here are floored as to the shit coming out of her mouth. You should be home in bed? ROTFLMAO! Wants you to pay to get her hair done? WTF? My fWW still amazes me with shit like this, stating that "all you care about is money" when she hasn't been working for 4 months, we have a kid in college, and she just had surgery (so ~$10K in medical debt), plus her $700/month in credit card bills.

I hope you've started to separate finances, like moving 1/2 of all savings, etc. into a new account of your own that she has no access to. Otherwise, as the D moves forward, she'll start draining the finances. Get that D moving, as she's so far from remorse she may as well be on Mars.

36,

If the OM made at least one of the calls related to the false DV charge, that means your wife must have told him about your investigations into his activities, and tried to help him damage you. Please tell her nothing more about your efforts on that score. Your wife is on his side, not yours. And she even admits to having a new channel of communication with him that is outside "what you are supposed to know". I bet it is! As for living in the past, the only thing that has kept yoy thinking about reconciliation is your memory of who she seemed to be in the past, not the person she is now. If it was not for your looking back, she would be toast, because her recent actions are disgusting and indefensible. Far from trying to help you heal, or apologise and try to change, she is actively attacking you and telling you that cheating is so insignificant to her that she is forgetting it already. Just like she forgot she was engaged when she cheated, and just like she forgot her marriage vows, and the fact that she had a husband, to serve as part if the OM's harem. What she wants is for you to develop the same amnesia.

Everyone here suggests that for your own good, you don't!

I am sorry you are being treated this way, it is one of the most unashamed and sustained examples of abuse that I have seen in this forum. Most waywards try to make it up to the spouse they have brtrayed, but yours continues to attack you. It is like she has had a conscience and soul bypass operation.

36, you deserve much much much better than her, and she deserves the OM.

Please, just get yourself away from her. She is toxic, and prolonged exposure to the way she is now will destroy you. She and the OM gave already begun the process by working together on the DV calls. She may well be planning more stuff like that. Detach, and be very wary of her. Bat-shit crazy indeed, but out to punish you too (as per the false DV charges). She is trying to force you to give her a free pass to cheat, and if you don't, she will do things to make you regret it. Prepare yourself.

[This message edited by M1965 at 1:31 PM, October 6th (Friday)]

As for living in the past, the only thing that has kept you thinking about reconciliation

Snap. Nailed it.

Of COURSE one very possible (likely?) next move of hers could be to agree to all your demands. It's a stall tactic.

She has no intention of changing anything about herself. She's a classic narcissist. What she will do is try to keep you from divorcing her and then having to face financial consequences.

She'll likely do anything to avoid that. Perhaps including another false DV charge.

Be careful of this one.

She maybe bat sh!t, but she's also devious and just plain evil.

I wouldn't doubt that the "where are you" was exactly for that purpose, so that she could send the cops there. You need a VAR to record all interaction with her. Also, search your "play store" on your phone for apps that ca record phone conversations. Use that as well. It sounds like you'll need all of the above to save your hide from another false DV charge.

36,

She seems very dangerous at this point, (at this point? maybe I should rephrase that), and the desperation is growing as her options are quickly disappearing.

Watch yourself. Stay the fuck away! Don't even answer the door. She is looking for an angle, she's likely to promise you wild sex, or to have you arrested, or both. Keep your phone or a VAR with you at all times, and turn it on anytime she is in the same zipcode as you. Always have witness's if you absolutely must talk to her in person. I'd recorded any phone calls, copy all texts and emails.

I just have this feeling this is going to much crazier before it gets better.

Watch yer ass, 36!

"I'm going to have my hair done, will you pay for it?"

GEEEEEEZUS! Please tell me she was being sarcastic.

GEEEEEEZUS! Please tell me she was being sarcastic.

Sarcasm? When it comes to getting her hair done? Not a chance.

so what are you going to do now ???

36,

I think you need to ignore her calls and texts, pop some popcorn and watch the crazy woman go insane when you cut of her supply to you.

so what are you going to do now ???

I am going to do my best to allow my new attorney to guide me.

Good for you.

Go see him as soon as you can, so she can't keep trying to put you in jail for DV.

Would your son bail you out for that or is he all on his Mom's side?

I am going to do my best to allow my new attorney to guide me.

Best thing you've said.