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36,

You ain't alone. You've 60,000 friends here.

36, your recent revelation that your son passed away, and that your wife found him is pretty significant IMO. Answer this honestly, did your wife show any of this craziness before your son passed away?

In no way am I implying that this explains away all the bat shit BS she's done, however it could offer some possible insight on where she ran off the road.

When people are in pain they will find anything to numb it. Any parent will tell you there's nothing worse then losing a child. It's possible that your wife found a drug to numb her pain in the excitement of an affair. I'm no psychiatrist but as sick as it sounds could it be that being in the "fog" of an affair would take her focus/pain away from dealing with the loss of her child? That this is how she medicated herself?

Then throw in what your other son was going through, and your wife was just looking for anything to distract her and numb her rather then have to face all of this head on?

It's just something to chew on, and could possibly be your "why". The only way to find out would be her getting in therapy, and at this point it really doesn't matter as your main objective is getting out of infidelity.

Could you shed some light on how your wife dealt with your son's passing? Did she sweep this under the rug like her affair? Your wife OBVIOUSLY is a broken woman. Fixing her as we all know isn't your job. She's in denial that she's broken and all the hurt/devastation she's caused.

Maybe one day she'll wake up and realize what she's done, but then again maybe she won't. Keep doing what you're doing by taking care of yourself.

Pulling for you and hoping that you'll find the peace you're seeking.

36, your recent revelation that your son passed away, and that your wife found him is pretty significant IMO. Answer this honestly, did your wife show any of this craziness before your son passed away?

She showed no hint of this level of craziness. But she has always been one who fails to take any responsibility for her actions.

In no way am I implying that this explains away all the bat shit BS she's done, however it could offer some possible insight on where she ran off the road.

I don't know. My son's death affected both of us deeply but only one of us chose adultery.

When people are in pain they will find anything to numb it. Any parent will tell you there's nothing worse then losing a child. It's possible that your wife found a drug to numb her pain in the excitement of an affair. I'm no psychiatrist but as sick as it sounds could it be that being in the "fog" of an affair would take her focus/pain away from dealing with the loss of her child? That this is how she medicated herself?

I don't know the answer to that question. She has obviously been looking for something that she wasn't getting from me.

Then throw in what your other son was going through, and your wife was just looking for anything to distract her and numb her rather then have to face all of this head on?

Again, I can't answer that question. The day my son died I was on the phone with my wife. I asked her to go to lunch with me but her car was in the shop. I suggested she ask my son if she could borrow his car. She walked into his room and started screaming, "He's dead! He's dead!"

I called 911 and rushed home to find him dead in his room. My wife was traumatized. I was traumatized. Later that night in our sorrow we checked into a hotel and talked about what happened. So many couples end up divorced after the death of a child. We committed to each other that we would get through this together.

It's just something to chew on, and could possibly be your "why". The only way to find out would be her getting in therapy, and at this point it really doesn't matter as your main objective is getting out of infidelity.

I keep getting mixed messages from her on the why question. But ultimately she decided to have a sexual affair with another man.

Could you shed some light on how your wife dealt with your son's passing? Did she sweep this under the rug like her affair? Your wife OBVIOUSLY is a broken woman. Fixing her as we all know isn't your job. She's in denial that she's broken and all the hurt/devastation she's caused.

She was devastated, crushed and an emotional wreck. She cried for weeks afterward. I ended up sending her to Maine to stay with one our other sons because she couldn't stand to be in the home where our son died. Nor could I.

While she was away I came up with a plan to move and set that plan in motion. She came back and we moved into a new home.

She thinks about my son each and every day. As do I.

Since his death I have made it a point to love and comfort her as much as possible. I understand the pain of losing a child because he was my son too.

My wife and I have been together for nearly four decades. Up until D-day we still held hands wherever we went. I showered her with affection, attention and love. I was proud to have her as my wife, despite all her quirks, idiosyncrasies, and failure to take responsibility for her actions.

I don't know whether the death of our son was a contributing factor to the death of her vows.

36

I'm not quite clear on a couple things so could you help clear these up for me as to where it is you are in all this crap storm now.

Are the two of you still living together?

Still in the same room/bed?

Still working towards R?

Have you started the process to file for D?

Has your son come around on his position of supporting your WW?

Has she made any concessions regarding your non negotiable points to work towards R?

I noticed that there was no non negotiable point about cutting all contact with anyone that supported the A. Perhaps this was an oversight but in my opinion this would be as important as no contact with POSOM. After all they were the cheerleaders and the support network for the A so she may as well have been having an affair with them as well. They all conspired against you and your marriage, it was a team effort.

There is also one other point that I'm confused about. Early in your thread you mentioned that your Boss had a chat with you regarding your work and daily tasks not being up to standard but later on you mentioned about a post nup because you are working on securing some D.O.D contracts that will be very lucrative for you (implying that you are the boss). This could help in understanding what the financial motives may be from her perspective.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 10:24 AM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

Are the two of you still living together?

Off and on. I have mostly been staying elsewhere.

Still in the same room/bed?

If I am at home, I usually sleep on the couch.

Still working towards R?

I really don't know. She claims she wants to, I have wanted to, but not so sure it's possible without major changes in her behavior.

Have you started the process to file for D?

Yes.

Has your son come around on his position of supporting your WW?

Mostly.

Has she made any concessions regarding your non negotiable points to work towards R?

Some. But not consistently.

I noticed that there was no non negotiable point about cutting all contact with anyone that supported the A. Perhaps this was an oversight but in my opinion this would be as important as no contact with POSOM. After all they were the cheerleaders and the support network for the A so she may as well have been having an affair with them as well. They all conspired against you and your marriage, it was a team effort.

I agree with you. But she has still had limited contact with those specific friends.

There is also one other point that I'm confused about. Early in your thread you mentioned that your Boss had a chat with you regarding your work and daily tasks not being up to standard but later on you mentioned about a post nup because you are working on securing some D.O.D contracts that will be very lucrative for you (implying that you are the boss). This could help in understanding what the financial motives may be from her perspective

.

I work for an employer and I also own a company that specializes in network security and does tech consulting. They are two separate entities. The boss in question is at my place of employment. The potential DoD contract is with my business.

As it currently stands, my business is an LLC. My wife is co-owner of this business, although she has never contributed to it in any way.

so what exactly is your end goal and gameplan ? You seem to be in limbo

so what exactly is your end goal and gameplan ? You seem to be in limbo

As of now I am having my lawyer go ahead with filing the divorce. But I don't think I'm doing it to open her eyes or to redirect her to R. The more time I spend in this overall mess and observe the way she treats me post-affair, the less amicable I become to her rug-sweeping and suggestion that we just leave it in the past.

To her, it's the past. To me it's the present. The two positions seem to be directly at odds with each other.

Every day brings with it new feelings. I really don't want to continue on this way and I wish I didn't still love her.

I believe this was asked perhaps but do you feel she had any prior affairs or do you think your son's death changed her or do you feel it's something else ?

Your distance from her will be easier over time

Does she know that you have/are filing for D?

are you following the 180?

Does she know that you have/are filing for D?

We've talked about it but I have not confirmed it with her. I want to let her be surprised when she gets served.

are you following the 180?

I am beginning to look at the 180. But please keep in mind, this transition is so new to me it is difficult for me to change my personality and sense of responsibility toward my wife and family. It takes time.

I believe this was asked perhaps but do you feel she had any prior affairs or do you think your son's death changed her or do you feel it's something else ?

She had an affair when we were engaged. She's had the one I've been talking about. I don't think she's had any other affairs, but then again I'm talking about the woman I thought she was. So, I don't really know.

Your distance from her will be easier over time

Gawd, I hope so.

I can certainly understand your reluctance. So many BS's have this misunderstanding that the 180 is to either trick their WS into coming back or they think it is them giving up on the relationship. I am here to tell you it is neither.

The 180 is to help put you into a frame of mind that will reduce the pain by detaching from a wayward spouse and get you moving out of infidelity, whether she wants to join you in in getting out of infidelity is up to her but you have every right to make any and all demands that will make you feel that your relationship with her is a safe place. It isn't a trick or a win her back strategy it is about giving you the tools to help you start your healing process by removing her power to hurt you.

Everyday that you spend emotionally invested in her while she is still in her current mindset is another day of emotional torture for you. As so many others have said on here, she is showing absolutely no remorse. The only thing she is showing is an interest in self preservation. Until she gets to the point of truly understanding what she has done and wants to take an active role in helping you heal she will not be a good candidate for R. The sooner you do the 180, the sooner you will start to heal.

[This message edited by leftbroken at 12:15 PM, October 11th (Wednesday)]

The sooner you d the 180, the sooner you will start to heal.

Do I tell my spouse I am doing the 180 or do I just do it?

Do I tell my spouse I am doing the 180 or do I just do it?

Just do it (hey, someone should use that as a slogan--it's pretty catchy).

Read the article in the Healing Library NC with the WS. Good stuff in there (don't mean to brag).

Cat (more later when I am not at work)

Asking if you should tell her or just do it makes it clear you don't understand it.

Read it many times, print it off and keep a copy in your pocket if you have to but know it, understand it and implement it.

Your direction should be clearly focused on moving in one direction and that is towards D, until such a time as you feel your WW has made appropriate restitution to you and reparation to your marriage.

Continuing in limbo allows her the illusion that there are no consequences for what she has done. Going on living as you always have and simply swallowing the pain means that only you will suffer the consequences of her actions, that is not a bullet you have to take for her, she doesn't deserve that.

She has obviously been looking for something that she wasn't getting from me

Yes, she was. Affair. I guess it is almost impossible to have affair with your husband.

Remember, D can be stopped at anytime. Keeping your efforts going in that direction is a clear message that you will not be part of any relationship that has infidelity in it.

It is ultimately her choice whether or not she will join you in a healthy relationship and make the effort to help you heal from her atrocities, but it is your choice whether you allow her to continue to hurt you.

You have told her what you non negotiable's are, what boundaries you expect to be observed, it is up to her to live by them if she wants a second chance. It isn't up to you to constantly remind her or beg her to follow them. Violation of any of these points should be met with swift decisive action.

You can read through thousands of stories on here and you aren't going to find many happy endings from people that were weak, needy and lacked resolution. It is because none of those things are attractive qualities in a mate.

36, your wife is lying when she says she wants R. Everything you are saying is that she wants to rugsweep and move on. That's not R. So you are right, what you want and what your WW wants are opposites.

The death of your son was a terrible thing. You are right, only one of you chose infidelity to cope. She could have gone to therapy, talked to you, done any number of things to deal with the grief, but she didn't. She chose to betray you.

Please note, you don't still love your wife. You love the woman she used to be, and that is normal. However, that person no longer exists. Can you love the new person? Maybe. But you are essentially starting a new relationship with someone that can't be trusted right now, and will have to earn trust from you. Are you up for that?

Please note, you don't still love your wife. You love the woman she used to be, and that is normal. However, that person no longer exists. Can you love the new person? Maybe. But you are essentially starting a new relationship with someone that can't be trusted right now, and will have to earn trust from you. Are you up for that?

I agree. I am in love with the pre-affair wife. I don't know who this new woman is. She can't be trusted.

I cut off communication with my wife and now my phone has been on fire with phone calls and text messages from her.

Is this common?