SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just want to echo the disordered part. Your wife definitely sounds like cluster B.

I'm not sure why she feels the need to bring something like that up. I don't fully understand her end game.

Don't make the mistake that I did for years. You are trying to rationalize irrational behavior. She doesn't have an end game, not really. She's operating fully on emotion at this time, and is just going to stumble from one abusive treatment to the next in order to get you back under control.

I think you are doing well. Please keep in mind that this woman is very dangerous. There is no behavior too extreme for her in order to avoid abandonment.

36,

You may well already have thought of this, but before the papers are served, I think you should rent a storage unit, and remove any items of sentimental value to you from your house and place them in storage. What I am talking about here is stuff like old high school sports trophies, stuff relating to your parents, stuff relating to your military service (if you served), anything that matters a lot to you.

I have talked about power games a lot recently, but it is equally possible that they are manifestations of a personality disorder. Either way, it is possible that your wife will flip when she is served papers, and if there is stuff of sentimental value to you in the house, it might end up burnt in the garden, or simply vanish.

If you know your wife's schedule, it would be best to go over to the your house with your off-duty cop pal when she is not there, grab your stuff, and go. Take it somewhere she does not know about. I know this may sound melodramatic or like an overreaction, but it would be horrible to lose items that are priceless to you if your wife flips out and starts destroying your stuff.

I agree with 1965.

She can false DV you at any point and get you out of the house for a year. She could destroy your stuff.

Get your valuable, sentimental stuff out first and put in storage, then make sure she is served.

Today is one of my worst days post D-day.

Very sorry to hear that. We are all thinking of you. If possible, it would be good for you to go and be with one or more friends if you can.

Hi, 36, get out of the house. You will feel better. It doesn't matter what you do, go for a ride, call a friend and meet for coffee, get some of your errands done. Find a good movie, bring your laptop to a coffee shop, go for a walk, anything that will give your mind a rest from all of this destruction.

I remember after my D-Day, weekends seemed to be worse. During the week, I had a routine with my job and the kids, on the weekend I was usually in a freefall emotionally. Looking back, I wish I had not isolated myself like I did. Sometimes I would take a long drive in the car and just scream gut-wrenching screams. It was very cathartic.

Sorry to hear you have hit a dip in the roller coaster. Go for a walk, go to the gym, do anything to keep focused on you. It sucks. I know--we all have been there.

Whatever you do, don't try and turn to your WS for any comfort. Remember--they are not afraid to exploit your vulnerability. You don't need that right now.

Cat

Cat,

I appreciate your wisdom. It's almost like you are an observer server.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 7:01 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

Have a plan for yourself for when you get up in the morning. Even if it only starts with a coffee shop first thing. Park yourself and do some people watching. Check your arts and entertainment weekly. Find an event or performance. Anything to turn your focus outward. It can seem to be just soaking up dead time. It can be more than that.

I am trying. Today has kust been especially difficult.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 8:44 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

There's a whole bunch of us here who wish we could be with you. Might it be helpful for you to go and see a movie, and just lose yourself in it?

I thought about the movies, but decided this bar would be better.

Neighborhood bar? R U a regular there?

I agree with making plans. I found it helpful to make "dates" with myself for things I enjoyed: antiquing, going for a walk on a beautiful day, checking out a farmer's market or an event. Whatever it is, get out and distract yourself. Learning how to deal with the inevitable dips in the roller coaster is key to getting through all of this.

Now is a great time to cultivate a new or long-neglected hobby. Not long after D-Day, I was asked to audition and was accepted into a professional classical chorus. Years later, I am still singing with them and also serve on their Executive Board. It saved me in many ways, and was also an outlet to make new friends.

So sorry you are dealing with a dip in the roller coaster. Remember tomorrow can be a better day. Hang in there--you have a virtual army of support here at SI.

Cat

36 you are strong enough to do this and we are all here for you to help you get through these tough days. There is so much wisdom here and it might help going back to the beginning of your posts and read it all again and again. In my early days it was so hard to get out of bed let alone go do something but I always felt better when i did get out n about. I know it's hard but please try to stay away from alcohol. Two days after my d day I made a decision to not drink after years of wearing a chardy queen tiara almost every day. It's helped heaps. You need every bit of strength and courage you can muster today and in the coming week when she is served and the reality is you will not find that in a bar. Please lean on a friend I suspect you have good people in your life so just reach out it's definitely ok to need your mates. Sending you lots of strength and courage to take care of you!!!

No, I'm not a regular in any bar.

Are you staying at a hotel tonight or the house?

Hotel

36, how are you?

Checking on you this morning--how are you doing?

Cat