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36,

You will be surprised how quickly your head will begin to clear once you go NC.

Be prepared though. The NC may ramp up the crazy making. Best to have your financials secured and separated if you move out. Follow your atty's advice. I expect that as long as you continue to pay normal household expenses you'll be ok. But be formulating next steps...don't let moving out and NC be a permanent limbo.

I still recommend getting a copy of the police report for your attorney to evaluate. You were put into protective custody. But think about it....she invited you there. Are we calling that Ambush One, and lunch is Ambush Two? NC = No New Hurts...and No New Ambushes.

Take care. You're getting stronger.

I am finally beginning to understand what bat shit crazy means.

[This message edited by 36yearsgone at 11:01 AM, October 6th (Friday)]

What happened?

Recognizing bat sh*t crazy will serve you well. Once I recognized the symptoms I was recalling people and events that occurred in my past...scratching my head. It will certainly give you pause for thought.

36, that is GOOD! It really doesn't matter if the OM helped her with the false DV charge. She went along with it. She would have had to tell them whatever lies she did to have them convinced enough to even handcuff you.

You are so incredibly lucky to have had a friend in the force to bail you out. If you didn't, you would have spent time in jail, gotten a court date, and had to pay another lawyer. Who knows if that is a case you would have won even if she had no evidence. She would have had plenty of toxic friends and family to back her up too about how controlling you were. Do you really think your WW would have called to drop the charges if they stuck or would she play along and reap all the sympathy and attention she would get for being a victim? I'm thinking it's the latter with how hard she's trying to look like a victim now.

What happened?

She called me last night asking what I would be willing to do to save our marriage.

I said, "Nothing. It's all on you baby."

She once again reiterated that she has forgotten all about her affair and I should forget it too and just move on with our marriage.

To me that is bat sh!t crazy.

She called back and asked me what she has to do. So I once again listed the bare minimum:

No contact with your affair partner or your former workplace.

Immediate reporting of any attempted contact to or from your affair partner or an intermediary.

Access to all your electronic communications.

Revealing of any secret email or other accounts.

Complete Truth and Honesty.

Total Transparency.

She thought that unreasonable.

She said, "What if I he bumps into me while I'm shopping. How will that be my fault?"

Bat Sh!t crazy.

She said, "I have not had any contact with him and don't even respond to his latest emails."

Latest emails? Ummm, didn't she give me all her email account(s) information.

So I said, "if you gave me all your email info, why is it that I don't see any of these contact attempts he's made? Do you have another email account that you failed to reveal? What is it"

She says, "I don't remember. Stop pressuring me. You know all you're supposed to know."

That is bat sh!t crazy.

Then she says, "Where are you right now?"

I say, "I'm out."

She says, "You shouldn't be out. Where are you? You should be home in bed."

That's bat sh!t crazy.

I reply, "You snuck out at night. What's wrong with me going out without sneaking around?"

Then she says, you need to come home and start working on our marriage. What are you willing to do to stay married?"

I said, "I'll start by not screwing the people I work with. What are you willing to do."

Here's my favorite reply of all:

She says, "You're still living in the past. You need to stop living in the past."

That's bat sh!t crazy.

I know that recovering from this crap is going to be a long drawn out and painful process. But the more I see of what she did and how she thinks I should recover from it, the more I wish I had never met her; never gotten married and never wasted nearly 4 decades of my life trying to be a good husband and provider.

Oh, and now she's worried about finances and how she's going to get by. I suggested she move in with the POSOM and let him provide for her.

"He would never take care of me!" she said.

I guess she should've made a better affair choice.

Frankly I am insulted that she picked someone so far beneath me.

Bat sh!t crazy.

Another rambling post on this beautiful Friday morning.

Oh, and now she's worried about finances and how she's going to get by.

Do you think this might be the reason she wants to R with you?

Ah 36

This last post of yours is a masterpiece.

I love it when a BS finally gets such crystal clarity.

I remember the day it happened for me

Is SI not just the best!

Wishing for you the happiness in your future that I have found in mine

Do you think this might be the reason she wants to R with you?

I'd say, being conservative, that's 99% likely.

I think it's crazy that you're even giving her a list for R and taking her calls. She is repeatedly showing you that R isn't an option so stop taking to her about it. Communicate through email only or better yet, your lawyer. She just revealed to you that she's still in contact with OM so you can't trust anything she is doing or saying. It's very likely some form of set up with him still in the picture.

Hey 36,

I just read one of your posts where you said you'd like to just run away to a place where nobody will look at you and say "Hey's there's that guy who's wife cheated on him..."

First, people won't say that... well, not for long anyway.

Here's a little perspective for you...

I make NO secret that my XWW cheated on me, and we divorced as a result. I'm pretty open and honest about it - it's not MY shame after all, it's HERS. People don't say "hey there's that poor sap who's wife cheated on him", but do you wanna know what they do say?...

They say "I just found out my wife is cheating on me... what should I do?". They say "you made me realize that I should have any shame because my husband's a cheater". They say "you're a great father - the way you put your kids first".

This isn't YOUR shame, 36. It's HERS. HER shame and HER fault.

Get some emotional distance from her and your critical thinking skills will start to pick up - I promise you that.

I wish I could tell you how to fast track your way to feeling good, but there isn't one. It just takes time... and time's a four letter word. For now, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and you'll get where you need to be, even if you're not sure where that is just yet.

I agree with Nekon. 36, just end it , just end it. She has no clue and has no remorse, not that remorse is always enough

Blackbird nailed this. She wants you to stay in the marriage with no changes on her part so you can support her.

She wants to rig sweep and things to go back the way they were.

Sounds similar to my XWW. If so, she will just find a new AP and the process will start again.

She once again reiterated that she has forgotten all about her affair and I should forget it too and just move on with our marriage.

Rugsweeping. This is pretty much guaranteed to get you another affair.

She said, "I have not had any contact with him and don't even respond to his latest emails."

Now you know she took steps to take everything underground. That tells you volumes.

Then she says, you need to come home and start working on our marriage. What are you willing to do to stay married?"

Blameshifting and avoiding responsibility at its finest.

After all of this, I hope you've made that phone call to your attorney to get him/her ramping up on the paperwork, answer your questions about moving out of the marital residence and serve her with papers pronto.

No need to draw this out. Your healing will be much faster if you just go ahead and end this charade.

Cat

Cat:

After all of this, I hope you've made that phone call to your attorney to get him/her ramping up on the paperwork, answer your questions about moving out of the marital residence and serve her with papers pronto.

I have taken steps in this direction. My head is still swimming but at least the water is getting clearer.

She tried to have you arrested on false domestic violence charges. You should not be communicating with her period. Not even just as a matter of principal but to protect yourself legally and financially.

I've been following like 7 threads lately so forgive me if this has already been addressed but you need to get a lawyer and have all communication with your stbxw go through the attorney.

Your wife isn't even remotely a candidate for R at this point and I doubt she will be in the future. Giving her a list of requirements to work on the marriage is futile with her current mentality and all it does is keep you and her spinning in circles and feeds into her drama. She might be driving the crazy train but you're the one who needs to hop off.

I'm glad to see you're taking steps in the right direction though. However if you DO feel the need to contact her it should only be through text/email just so you have documentation of what she says. And even then I'd recommend not communicating via those methods either unless necessary.

And I agree with others. If your son is an adult you should give him the full story. Hell my mom told me and my sister all about my Dad, the cheating, the prostitutes, condoms falling out of his pocket etc when we were 15 and 17. We didn't melt into the floor and get swallowed up by the Earth. And if I remember correctly your wife tried to manipulate you by manipulating your son. That alone I feel is reason enough to let him know what's going on so he doesn't have to go through that again.

[This message edited by JS84 at 12:09 PM, October 6th (Friday)]

Gotta love this:

I just got a text from her: "I'm going to have my hair done, will you pay for it?"

As I recall, she was having her hair done about once a week so she could look more attractive to him. Trigger.

I decided not to respond.

36... you've seen that many of us can predict Wayward behaviour. It's like they follow a script.

Some of us, who've been here a while have seen it dozens, maybe hundreds of times.

STOP TALKING TO HER.

This is gonna hurt a little:

She doesn't love you right now. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't care that you're hurting. She just wants you to keep on keepin' her in the lifestyle that she has enjoyed thus far.

You've laid out your conditions. She's rejected them, and laid out her conditions. You've rejected them. Stalemate.

There is only one logical step.

Another DV accusation is right around the corner.

Cancel ALL joint credit right now and get your own. All credit cards, lines of credit, everything with your name on it, because when she sees you get back on your horse and about to ride it to divorce court, she is going to reach a level of nasty you might not be able to fathom right now.

I decided not to respond.

NOW you're starting to get clearer! Way to go! This is a small, but important step!

Remember this... you're having "daymares" and she's getting her hair done. Yeah, she's pretty empathetic and remorseful.

I think your only choice at this point is to just file and shut down on talking to her. Start ignoring her calls. Avoid being at home when she is. Do all you can to really limit her access to you.

You have already stated your requirements. She isn't interested in doing anything you want. Your being stupid in her eyes. To her what she did isn't that big of a deal and your just making more of it than needs to be. I bet in her mind she is justified for doing it. You did something to her that she feels warranted this punishment.

Just shut her down and start planning your new life. Maybe some where along the way she might stop and realize but I seriously doubt it. The person you married is gone and the new person that looks exactly like her is something out of a nightmare.

Its time to let her go.

C