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She has spoken to her lawyer and been told going out every night, and leaving the kids with you doesn't look good.

Keep detaching.

True^^

One day at a time

Sorry man, i am new to this foroum but well versed in this situation. She tried to make herself the victim with ILYBNILWY and sweep the carpet under your feet. And now her plan did not work out so she is trying to find what’s up your sleeve.

Don’t fall for the act.

She is pushing your buttons and trying to get the better of you.

You are on to her tactics.

As soon as you have taken the necessary steps to protect yourself (info, lawyer, VAR etc.) you should let her know that you will no longer tolerate her manipulation.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:24 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Von,

All your questions and wondering about her intentions, feelings, thoughts.... This is NOT the 180.

All you need to know is this...The only person she cares about is herself. She does not love you and it seems like she barely loves her kids. She is gone.

She has not behaved at all like a remorseful WW. She's giving you nothing to work with.

The sooner you can accept this the easier it will be to get through this. Yes, it will still be hell. You need to separate your heart from your head. Once you get through this and the divorce is final you can go back and sift through the rubble.

All of your ruminating will only hold you back. The only thing you should be focused on is getting through the divorce relatively unscathed and in a very good position to protect yourself and your kids.

It's clear she is not going to make this easy. Let the attorneys handle the back and forth. Any time she brings up points of contention tell her you'll run it by your attorney. Only talk about the divorce or the kids. Nothing more.

I have some divorced friends. No doc the women act like that believe me.

Those that do are nit invited not because they are D and flirtatious, but because they are just not the type of person I would be friends with lol.

I am waiting for divorce process to continue.

Meanwhile all the info from other friends come in. She likes to badmouth me during our marriage in the past. When I am away from the table, she would say I don't know to cut an apple,dont eat lunch with her, you're so lucky to have a handyman husband, etc. All my friends would be shocked saying why is she saying this.

Looking back, was she doing this to give her excuse for cheating?

I don't know, I lean more towards the possibility that she started cheating first, then started badmouthing you and re-writing the marital history in order to justify her own low morals.

Looking back, was she doing this to give her excuse for cheating?

In her mind yes it’s possible she did this to justify her choice to cheat.

It is also possible she’s just a mean and unhappy person.

And good god man, why don’t you know how to cut an apple? Isn’t that a marriage vow? (Eye roll here)

Seriously that is the stupidest thing I’ve heard. Being mad or resentful over cutting an apple. I think you are getting to see the true her. How sad.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:41 PM, August 30th (Sunday)]

Narcissistic people devalue you when they are getting ready to discard you for someone that they are making their next source. They have gotten what they want so on to the next shiny useful person.

Oh my gosh, I look at narcisstic personality. It is her to a teeth. I am scared, it says if you leave before they have no more use for you, they will explode and use every technique in the book

But I think she has no more need for me so so she was ok with the divorce. The next guy won't put up with her NArcissism as I did.

Vonbock,

Dang, I wonder if this bf knows what he is getting himself into.

Why are you even thinking about this?!?

That is never even enter your mind. In fact, if it does, you should be happy about it.

Focus on yourself, which will pay dividends when it comes to looking after your kids. They will need at least one parent that is looking out for them.

Write down what you are supposed to be focusing on, and keep it on your person always. In your current state of mental confusion, your focus can wander, which will lead you to a feeling of hopelessness and more confusion.

I am scared, it says if you leave before they have no more use for you, they will explode and use every technique in the book.

Don't take everything you read about narcissism on the internet at face value. There is a lot of exaggeration and fear-mongering there. Not all narcissists are vile, malignant creatures hell-bent on destroying everyone around them. Some of the content I've read would have you believe they are a different species altogether.

Anyway, do your best to protect your interests and follow your lawyer's advice. At this stage, whether or not she is a narcissist (and I admit there is a chance she is) is only relevant insofar as it helps you protect yourself and your children.

Her narcissism could become relevant later on, if you decide to enter psychotherapy but that will depend on your therapist's approach.

The next guy won't put up with her narcissism as I did.

This is his problem, not yours. Try not to think about it too much. I know it's difficult when your emotions are completely disregulated, but there's no benefit to allowing both of them to live in your head.

[This message edited by Vonbock at 9:26 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

Looking back, was she doing this to give her excuse for cheating?

Yep she probably was.

There are hundreds of issues that she could use as a excuse for her actions much like any marriage. Most spouses though do not have sex outside of the marriage cause you left the toothpaste cap off or didn't put dirty dishes in the dishwasher. It's part of their damage control to find anything to justify their actions & to make the BS start to wonder about all the issues in the M and how they might have caused the A, which is total rubbish. BS. Horse Manure.

They cheat because they want too, they have to be looking for it, cause if they are not they can shut it down right now, but if their interested then it continues, they will then use any M issue to justify & as an excuse for their A.

But that's all they are excuses. Not a reason but excuses. That's because the reason is, drum roll please THEY WANTED TO plain & simple with little or no regards for the BS. After the shite hits the fan the BS will get either regret, remorse, indifference, crickets, anger or the WS will just up & leave.

Just tell everyone your side of the story then its out of your hands they can either believe you or your WW regardless of which you can hold your head up, with your integrity & morals still intact cause you were not the one who cheated in your M.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 1:08 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

YOur right, These Narcassists, they don't care who they hurt. In fact I felt when I was trying to show her I have changed, she was just ignoring me. Now I look back and think about it, she was focused on the boyfriend. I felt she got deviuos pleasure watching me trying to change to no avail

[This message edited by Vonbock at 1:23 PM, August 31st (Monday)]

It is hard to tell yourself the past 10 years was a farce. As many suggested, you need to detach yourself with this person whom you no longer know. Focus your energy on yourself and not wondering why she did this or why she did that. Stay strong not only for yourself but your children.

In fact I felt when I was trying to show her I have changed, she was just ignoring me. Now I look back and think about it, she was focused on the boyfriend. I felt she got deviuos pleasure watching me trying to change to no avail.

Don't beat yourself up over it. I experienced something very similar. I constantly needed to change something or other about myself, every problem was always my fault, I never lived up to her expectations (although I was by no means a perfect partner), while Princess Perfect was just perfect and never to blame for anything. As a result, I was diagnosed with agitated depression. My mind and body are only slowly recovering. Actually, today has been the first day in five months when I no longer missed her - I take it to be a good sign.

OK, I will try to focus on myself and kids. I will try to avoid at her at all costs in the house. Try to get healthy again. After the dovorce, if I don't get to keep the house, I will move back in with my parents for a few months until I recover. I will need moral suport from them also.

Don't beat yourself up over it. I experienced something very similar. I constantly needed to change something or other about myself, every problem was always my fault, I never lived up to her expectations (although I was by no means a perfect partner), while Princess Perfect was just perfect and never to blame for anything. As a result, I was diagnosed with agitated depression. My mind and body are only slowly recovering. Actually, today has been the first day in five months when I no longer missed her - I take it to be a good sign.

Was she narcisstic also?

[This message edited by Vonbock at 2:19 PM, August 31st (Monday)]