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My IC is trying to help, but there's a resistance in me that I'm having trouble dealing with. At least a part of it is this foreboding feeling that I don't want to be happy just to crash back down to reality. It's the idea that the impact will be less painful if I just stay down, I guess. I realize it doesn't make any sense, and that it is totally unhealthy, not to mention borderline wallowing, but I haven't been able to shake it.

I would wager this ties into your self-loathing, CSCE.

Trying to find joy without first truly loving yourself is like trying to pull the horse with the cart. Self love MUST come first, or any happiness you find will be fleeting as you wait for the other shoe to drop. Why? Because if you see yourself as worthless, that is what you will expect and accept from life.

That said, while I am sure it felt good to get the compliment from your boss, you are still heavily seeking validation from others. This is still wayward thinking. Please be cautious in how your view this. You need to know in your heart you are that valuable. Then the compliments from others become the tasty side dish rather than the main course.

I've just finished your complete thread and, whatever the outcome, you've put forth a serious effort at fixing yourself.

[This message edited by parent4 at 8:55 PM, October 14th (Saturday)]

FarsideJunky - Your point is well-taken. To say that I've "solved" my self-worth issues would be laughable, but I'm working on identifying them. I recognize it's a problem. I'm not equipped to address it head on yet, but I'm preparing. It's the scariest thing I've ever done.

Parent4 - Goodness, thank you for the investment it must have taken to read the whole thing! I am humbled, and appreciate that you took the time to comment. I'm definitely still working - there's a lot more to be done, I assure you.

This is a bit discomforting for me, but I thought it might be interesting to share what I've been up to lately, since it has been awhile. My IC homework this week was to write a "breakup letter" to my destructive coping mechanisms, explaining why they hurt me and why I don't want them anymore. Below is what I came up with.

This is hard. Harder than I expected it to be. I don't know who I am without you - over the years, you've taken over. I don't know how to see the world through my own eyes, anymore.

At first, you were my savior. You kept the critical voices at bay, by pushing me to do more, be more, say “yes” more. When I was going above and beyond, those voices had nothing to say. If I stayed away from trying things I couldn't do well, I was safe from failure and safe from them. I was so grateful for that. As a result, I turned to you always, when things got hard.

You kept me comfortable, by relying on you. But you didn't push me to grow. Because of you, I don't know how to try and fail. I don't know how to handle struggle. My reliance on you stunted me.

Eventually, it got to be too much. Saying “yes” was killing me, but I didn't know how to say “no”. I was drowning, and you kept pushing me to take on more. Everything started to feel desperate. I was gasping to keep my head above water, and I didn't know how to say so. The voices came back at my first misstep, and I couldn't deal with them. Every fumble released a barrage. You shielded me for so long, but when things got really hard you failed me and left me unprepared to handle things on my own.

In a desperate attempt to stem the painful flow of attacks to my self-worth, I made terrible choices. I acted out. I cried for help in the worst way. I broke myself. I lost everything that mattered to me, including my integrity. I hurt those I cared about. I made everything so much worse. And where were you?

You abandoned me.

Now, I'm miserable. I'm broken. I'm struggling just to get through the day-to-day. I've hurt those I love, and ripped their love for me from them. I've made my life an empty shell. All the past pain you protected me from is hitting me all at once - like a dam bursting. It's so much worse when it comes all at once. Now, I have to put my life back together, piece by broken piece. Like shards of glass they cut me, all while I'm flooding in decades of past pain.

What we have isn't healthy. It isn't helpful. It doesn't make me better, or happier. It's held me back for too long.

So, I'm afraid we're done. This is where we part ways - I should have done this a long time ago. I'm clawing my way out of this hole you put me in “for my own good”, and I'm doing it on my own. You can't help me… I'm realizing now that you never could.

Goodbye.

you did a wonderful job on your homework assignment.

This stuff is so hard.

you are in so much pain.

Did you share with your H?

Well done!! (Bake yourself and husband a nice pie!)

Harrybrown - Thank you. It is by far the hardest thing I've ever done, and it's absolutely terrifying to break down my walls without knowing what is on the other side of them. I don't think I've ever felt so exposed and raw as I have the last month or two, and I expect it will get worse.

There is a lot of pain in my life right now. More than I've ever had to deal with, and all kinds - despair, rejection, depression, fear, shame...you get the idea. But there's also a resolve and determination that I haven't felt in a long time. Even though I struggle every single day, it's mostly balanced by how often I feel strong. It makes me feel like I'm going crazy, to be honest. I bounce between being convinced I can't handle this and I'm going to burst under the stress of having no control over my future, to being infuriatingly desperate for BH to just be open to seeing the value in us for a second, to a zen calm that no matter what I'll be able to handle whatever comes of this. It's dizzying and destabilizing.

I haven't shared my homework with BH because I don't want him to think I wrote any of it for him. If I don't ask him to read it, he can't think I'm trying to manipulate him with it, you know? I did tell him about the assignment. I'll tell him what comes of my discussion with my IC about it on Saturday, too, and I would share it with him if he asked, but offering it would likely make him uncomfortable at best.

c24j - Thank you. I actually made 2 this past week, because I wasn't happy with how the first turned out. They're Peanut Butter. BH says the one on the left tastes like a Reese's cup.

Not sure what this week's will be.

Of course there is a lot of pain. You have been inadvertently been saving it up behind the walls. When the walls come crashing down, the pain will immerse you.

For the first time in a long time, you are dealing with it rather than hiding it.

Embrace the pain. In pain comes truth, discomfort...and growth.

I don't know that I've ever seen anybody work so hard in the time that I've been here, CSCE. Keep it up, you're doing great. This is all so hard and I'm sure SO painful for you, but on the other end waits a better life. Keep working toward that.

Actually, I'm liking the pie baking you've got going. It's therapeutic and calming for you, and frankly? It gives you and H something ordinary and non-threatening to talk about. That's a good thing. AND he gets delicious pie out of the deal.

Keep it up.

I admire your honest and accurate self-appraisal and the emotional courage you are demonstrating!

On the emotional rollercoaster there are these bits:

But there's also a resolve and determination that I haven't felt in a long time. Even though I struggle every single day, it's mostly balanced by how often I feel strong

. My wife's affair was the making of me, and as I said way earlier in your thread, the fallout of yours might be the making of you. I see you remodeling yourself and it is a wonderful thing.

CSCE- how is your husband doing these days?

Um.. those pies look amazing and I'm jealous. No really!

(((CSCE)))

FarsideJunky - You are absolutely right. In my last few IC sessions I realized what I was processing was decades-old pain. All I had done was save it up, and now I'm up to my eyebrows in it.

antlered and beauchateaux - Thank you both. It's heartening that you feel I'm doing well, and I really appreciate the encouragement. I'm frightened by what might be hiding in my mind just out of sight, and even more frightened by what I might have to do to face it. I'm learning more about myself every day, and that's scary! But it's comforting, too. I don't know how something can be both, but somehow it is.

Nicenomore - He seems to be doing well, all things considered. His mood is generally pretty good, and his IC has moved from exclusively "affair triage" to including more general topics like FOO, work, and his own coping mechanisms (mainly avoidance). That makes me think he is on the road to healing.

His IC homework this week is to go out somewhere with me. That's something he has not been interested in since Dday, and I was honestly surprised he was willing to do it. That's planned for tomorrow. So, we'll see how that goes.

He is still firm on the "no touching" thing, but other than that (which he was never big into in the first place) and the no social outings together, he interacts with me largely like he used to. It feels like he might even enjoy having me around sometimes.

IceThee - This week's pie was pumpkin. It smelled heavenly in the oven!

Are these your actual pies, or are they pictures from a gourmet cookbook?

The date sounds like a step in a good direction.

Maybe I should not get my hopes up to high, but hope your date with your H is fun and a great time for both of you.

The IC is giving him some interesting assignments.

Hope the IC keeps him making progress.

CECS;

I am glad that he is showing signs of healing. I am rooting for you. You deserve happiness & so does he. I hope you can find your way back together.

CSCE:

I am going to pose something to you that may seem unfathomable at this point.

When you have healed, and you are truly beginning to love yourself, you may realize that as much as you love your husband, that he might not be good for you, nor you for him.

There are aspects of relationships that should be natural. What aspects are up to the individual. For example, intimacy (both physical and emotional) is an absolute must for me in a relationship. My marriage had reached a point where it was nearly entirely devoid of both. I literally took my current marriage to the brink of divorce over it. We are much better now, but I was prepared to find the intimacy I wanted in another relationship, and understood that it required some growth on my part...but a significant part was up to her as well. After having to drag her along for the better part of a year, she decided to get on board, which was coincidentally about 30 days before my deadline for improvement (unbeknownst to her).

That is the head space for which you need to strive. Know what you want. Be prepared to love yourself (and him) enough to walk away if it can't be what either of you want. However, you cannot begin to truly make a healthy decision, nor lay out what you truly want, until you are emotionally healthy.

Just...don't be surprised that when you start to feel healthy, you may not view the relationship the same way.

GoldenR - They are mine, I swear! BH can bear witness.

Harrybrown - You and I are in the same boat. I am not getting my hopes up, but if he is able to relax I think it will be fine. I don't know where we are going to go, but wherever it is it will be low-key. No pressure.

Skerzoid - Thank you. I know we do - figuring out how to get to "happy" is the hard part, but I have hope.

FarsideJunky - I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, and it's far from unfathomable. BH had asked me to, my parents have asked me to, my IC has asked me to... It's come up a multitude of times.

You are right, of course. What I've come to realize is that all I can do is answer for today's CSCE. Tomorrow's may feel differently - it's hard to say. So far, nothing has swayed me from my preferred outcome (though I often question my sanity), but I am well aware that there is a lot about me that I don't yet know, and that may change.

There are a couple of issues at play.

1) I already don't view our old relationship the same way. I see things now that were hidden, before. I recognize things I used to miss. Some of those are good, and some are not. My perspective is changed so that even the same relationship would look different to me, now.

2) I acknowledge that what I've done has forever changed our relationship. There's no going back to pre-infidelity days. This will always be a part of our story.

3) I know that this process has also changed both of us as people. If we met today, even without the baggage of the past, our relationship would be different, because we are different. On top of that, we are continuing to change, through our processing and IC. Who knows where we will each end up? Maybe we will lose touch of each other, or maybe we will move into more constructive alignment. Even if we ended up a better match than ever, #2 might still be too much for us.

All of that is to say: I don't feel like I can make a final determination at this point because I'm not emotionally literate enough to do so, but also because I don't even know what a relationship between us would look like, now. All the pieces are still shifting.

However, I know that the current me, looking at the current him and the current us, sees value. Sees potential (as much as I hate that word). Sees something that's worth trying for. That absolutely might change, some day in the future. But for now, that's where I am.

Last night was ok - we went to dinner, and got ice cream. BH was stilted at first, but otherwise it was uneventful. Familiar.

But after - at the tail end of our nightly check-in - things changed. The conversation ended up on the well-worn track of there being no chance for us. That he couldn't respect himself if he stayed. That what I did was too much for him to "get over". That he could never be happy with me.

I want so badly for that not to be true. No matter how many little things seem like progress, no matter how many things he does that feel like he doesn't mean the words, the script is the same.

I feel hopeless, today. Worn down, emotionally bruised, and hopeless. I wish I could make myself not care - giving up would be so much easier...

Ouch! the last sounds so painful.

Hope you get to see your IC soon.

But his IC is making some progress with him.

hoping for more good homework assignments.

Did you ask him what would it take for him to get his pride back, his self-esteem(which is very low right now) and be able to start up a new relationship? I am sure you have, but if you signed a post nup agreement, exposed to whomever he wanted and agreed to find a way for the OM to suffer, would that open the door to a new relationship?

I forget, does the OM still have a job with the company, does the company know, do his wife and kids know, or does his current employer know?

the OM was protected and your H was not protected, nor his marriage. Your H got a lifetime of hurt, the OM got you for free.

the OM got quite a deal. would the OM getting some pain help your H?

Sorry, trying to think of ways to help and I struck out.