SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SpaceGhost, I wanted to start by saying that I understand your pain. Fully. Most here do. I always wanted to say that effecting a plan so efficiently is admirable. I wanted to point out a couple items that may or may not have been discussed yet for you to consider or ignore at your behest:

1) Your marriage isn't your parents marriage. Yes, she made a decision to cheat knowing full well the consequences, and the reasons why you would never stand for it. Yes, you told her what would happen, and I'm willing to bet you are a man of your word. That doesn't mean you can't change your mind. That doesn't mean that you can't show compassion, forgiveness, etc. This is your opportunity to teach your children a valuable life lesson, what lesson do you want them to learn?

Along those lines, you mentioned your parents... would your father have taken your mother back if she had been remorseful immediately?

2) Guilt. We all feel it, especially in the face of our wayward spouses throwing things in our face. Regardless, you shouldn't feel guilty about whatever decision you make. Your WW broke the marriage. Sacrificed the welfare of her family. Don't ever let divorce guilt hold you back.

3) There are legal vehicles that exist now, that likely may not have existed during your parents time. For example, a postnuptual agreement. Should you change your direction, there are avenues available that may facilitate rebuilding.

4) Even if you divorce, it doesn't mean the relationship has to be over.

5) It's hard not to feel self-doubt, your self-esteem has probably taken a pretty big beating. Her A had nothing to do with you. Period. It was about her internal problems.

6) Individual counseling. It can help. Don't be afraid of it. Even if it's just to help you organization your divorce agenda, it can help. It would probably REALLY help for your kids to go to some right about now, too.

Strength brother.

If I ask myself why I never cheated on my WH it would be because of the respect I had for him and the value I placed on him.

One can only presume that your WW may very well like you, but doesn't have an awful lot of respect for you; not enough to stay faithful anyway.

Its a given that she loves her marriage, with its security, companionship and the concept of family. Why would she be attracted to the idea of living alone in some small apartment, fighting off guys who only seem to be after one thing, and missing the love, care and genuine affection she received from her relationship. I'm not qualified to define if your wife actually loves you, since thats a word with so many interpretations, but one thing you do know is that she lacks respect for her spouse. Many BS's would find that unacceptable.

[This message edited by OK now at 1:26 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]

If I ask myself why I never cheated on my WH it would be because of the respect I had for him and the value I placed on him.

One can only presume that your WW may very well like you, but doesn't have an awful lot of respect for you; not enough to stay faithful anyway.

^^^^^THIS!

This is it. This is the "WHY" I have been searching for in myself.

I have been told a lot regarding the "Why". I was lonely, I was searching, I was not in a happy place, I was feeling unappreciated, I was taken for granted, I've been lost, I was crazy... Those all may be true, but it doesn't explain how she let it happen. Because if those conditions repeated, would she let it happen again, automatically? No. Somewhere in her mind there was a choice that doesn't involve the surroundings. It involved a decision to disrespect the marriage and me.

Respect--a loss, over time, of respect. Bit by bit, drop by drop, it was eroded away by my poor boundaries, my failure to reach her lofty expectations, and, to be honest, how I have let her treat me.

SG, we couldn't have handled our affairs more differently. I chose to react opposite in just about every way. Your way was yours and my way mine. We each choose our paths. I hope your way leads to a happy place sometime soon.

That doesn't mean that you can't show compassion, forgiveness, etc. This is your opportunity to teach your children a valuable life lesson, what lesson do you want them to learn?

This is really unfair. In fact, I'd go so far as to call it a low blow.

I divorced my "remorseful" spouse within in 4 months of D-day. And you want to know my main motivating factor? I wanted to set a good example for my daughter.

I wanted her to learn two very important lessons:

1. Some things you do in life are so terrible and damaging that they can't be taken back. So when she grows up, she should think very long and hard before she risks her family by betraying them. I don't want my daughter to grow up to be a wayward because, after all, Daddy got away with it...so it might not be that bad, right? Wrong. It IS bad and she should honor her commitments.

2. If someone is abusing you, physically or emotionally, (and make no mistake, I consider infidelity abuse) it is OK to walk away. It is OK to stand up for yourself and demand better treatment. I'd want my daughter to know her worth and know that she can do better. I'd WANT her to go find better. How could I ever tell her to leave when I stayed? I want better for her than what I suffered and therefore I think it's my responsibility to model what I think she should do if someone has the audacity to abuse her: I'd want my baby girl to walk away.

The OP doesn't have to stay married to a cheating wife to show compassion and forgiveness. And he is setting a fine example for his children.

[This message edited by MaybeKatie at 4:37 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]

^^^^MaybeKatie is absolutely right about this. I divorced my XWW, and I feel that I have shown my children something powerful and important. If they (God forbid) ever face similar circumstances, I would be proud to see them follow my example.

Although respect for my spouse might aid me in not cheating then it’s respect for MYSELF that will prevent it ever happening.

I’m old-fashioned. I don’t promise anything I won’t stand by. I honor my debts and my commitments. I am mature enough to know that long term happiness is often attained by short-term sacrifices. I find immense pride in knowing that from that day I first kissed my wife my lips have never touched another woman that way. It’s not because I respect her (and I do IMMENSELY!) but because I respect MYSELF.

His wife didn’t cheat because she had no respect for SG. She cheated because she had no respect for herself.

I completely agree, Bigger! Waywards have NO respect for themselves!!!!

I do agree with MaybeKatie, but I think valuable lessons can be learned by children of infidelity on either side of this equation. Truly. The worst example to show kids IMHO is to stay *in* infidelity. Whether you choose to D or R, there are lessons you can show your kids about strength, honor, and morality.

Ghost seems like a strong and moral man. I have no doubt he will do the best he can for his kids to help them through this and live with the outcome of this mess. It is devastating for all involved. My heart breaks for each of them.

Some great points being made in this thread on this page.

For the record, I don't think anything that has been posted has been inappropriate. This is an extremely supportive community.

I don't think there's anyone that will be truly second guessing whatever decision is made in this thread. It's very healthy (and smart) to get feedback from everyone imo.

I can't help but ponder the reason this thread has brought out some strong emotions and opinions. Here's my thought:

SpaceGhost has basically enacted the "shock and awe" advice usually dispensed around here. Many of us are in awe of his strong stance and swift action. I'm sure others, like me, wish we had acted like SG after discovery.

So, my guess is that we tend to think of how SG's approach would have changed the course of our own path to R or D. I think that's why we might project our own choices into his thought process. Maybe, we want an opportunity to see "what might have happened" if we had taken that strong stance like SG.

We are all here to support each other. Many times, beyond offering support to the OP, we are also reading to gain understanding for ourselves and our own situations. There's certainly a lot to be learned in this thread for everyone.

Whatever advice we provide, I'm glad that SG is interested in hearing all sides and I think the SI community has provided him lots of food for thought. Whichever path he chooses as he continues this journey, he will have our support and encouragement. His swift and decisive action doesn't mean that his pain is any less. We all know that. Infidelity is soul-crushing and painful - no matter if we D or R or remain in limbo. I believe our pain is compounded when we see how it affects our children. The ripple effects of infidelity can impact numerous generations. Whether R or D, I think it is best for children to see their parents move toward healthy authentic living and functional healthy relationships.

Ghost, I hope the time away is helping to heal your soul. Your journey is far from over. You've handled this all admirably so far and I know you will need strength and support for the next phase of this. My best wishes to you and your girls.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 7:18 PM, February 11th (Wednesday)]

I want to add to stillstanding in that what is most admired i hope is not shock and awe for spite but for the control he gained.

His wife was on the side of crying and begging, many are not and just have might have said "you want to golf, good for you... i will be over here banging Mr. Right"

His stance cannot change the wayward but it gave him the control he needed, the decisive means to remove being in limbo and unsure of oneself.

I'm sorry that your WW did this to you and your marriage.

She knew how you felt about infidelity and what whould happen if she ever crossed that line.

She made a choice hoping you'd never find out. It backfired on her and now she has to suffer the consiquences of her action.

How did your children take the news?

Hopefully the D won't take long and you'll be able to move on.

Space Ghost

Felt lead today to lift you, your wife and your kids up in prayer today.

Hi just wanted wanted to do an update. This is on my iPhone so it may be short. First of all I am Ok with all points but I am pretty certain on what I want to do. Some of my actions are because I was in this marriage and we treated each other well. I was able after finding out to plan and think about what I wanted to do. Since my first though was to divorce her and I will admit blow her world up I have had time to plan.

I will also admit that she hurt my ego. I was a good athlete and to be honest lived a pretty charmed life. My mom made our lives hard but I was a state wrestling champion and homecoming king so I was very popular. I Had a lot of girls after me so I had a pretty good life. I then went into IT and joked with my wife that I am now a nerd not a jock. I work out and I still look young so I never took her for granted. She still looks great and my world was shattered by her affair. Being able to talk to a lawyer and figure out what I wanted gave me an advantage. She did not show any less love for me. She initiated sex still. She seemed satisfied so this has been hard on me. On the other hand I am in control so I don't sit and worry like others might. I know what I want.

My wife sent me some long emails. She is in counseling right now and has taken 30 days off from work. She is looking for a new job and is too embarrassed to go back to work. She has promised to answer all questions but wants me to start this in front of her therapist to make sure it is not to much to handle. Of course she loves me and will do anything to save "US". I told her I am in a different place than she is but keep working on her. We are going to meet on Sunday for our big talk. She is very sad and I am worried about her.

Her parents were worried about wellbeing but the therapist has helped.

The golf has been great. My escape from this has cleared my mind. I Still love her but I want to divorce and see what's out there. Who knows in a couple of years maybe we could try again? Like I said I hate looking at her as damaged goods.

I will probably sell the house and move away. I Am thinking of doing this very soon. She is staying with her parents so I will have the house when I get back.

One last thing the kids know. I decided I wanted her to tell them and she did. She told them about the affair and she told them I filed for divorce. My daughter is really upset and is not talking with her mom. She has always been a daddy's girl so we are working through it.

2 more days then I will update on our talk. I see zero percent chance that we will stay together but I still care about her. Her reaction has helped me to NOT want revenge on her. But I still have a lot of questions???

SG - I also like so many on here admire the way you have dealt with this. You have had some great advice but I can see you know your own mind, when you make a decision you stick to it, you sound a very strong person, IMO in any case. From reading on SI I see how much more difficult it is for men to accept their wives/partners cheating on them, the damage to their ego's and the imagining them having sex with another, its brutal. Slow down, I am not suggesting R, I wouldn't dare, but I read in between the lines of what you write, your wife sounds like a good person who has made a stupid choice, one she will regret probably for life, she deserves nothing but give yourself time, Never say never, I hope your talk goes well on Sunday........

Her reaction has helped me to NOT want revenge on her.

I'm really glad for that.

But I still have a lot of questions???

Hopefully, her answering them will help both of you. But fundamentally, I don't expect for you (or her!) to ever truly know the answer to the question of why. At least, not a satisfactory one. But in another way, it is a very simple question to answer once you split it out. The answer is (a) because she felt the urge and (b) she acted on it. The first can never be answered, the second is 'duh'.

Why did she want to? That speaks to feelings, and where do feelings come from, and are they even controllable? Urges? Thoughts? They're not. Mine sure aren't. I have no real insight to anyone else's either. Can you turn off your feelings of emasculation? Completely shut down your thoughts and emotions at will? No. Try it for 3 minute if you doubt. That stuff just keeps coming bubbling up willy-nilly. I can influence it for sure, but in no way can I control it, and I have tried. Every single person here consumed with mental movies has tried. If I can't understand or control it, who the hell can?

She wanted to. That's the answer to half the question.

But behavior? She felt the urge, and she acted on it. That's simple. She acted. That, she controlled 100%. The rest is just IC kabuki.

SG

Not much more anyone can say. You know what you want, you know what you are going to do. If you can move somewhere warm where you can do your job and play golf, with no kids at home why not???

A change of scenery might do you good.

As for your wife, there must be some pretty gory details for her feeling an MC needed to be there, but I hope you get the closure you need.

She had it all, and blew it and she knew exactly what was a deal breaker for you. it's sad, but there is no feeling sorry for her. It would still be going on if you did not get lucky. It's not like she came to you and confessed so to me all her sadness is regret she fucked up her life and yours. She did it all for fun.

Take care of your daughter. She is lucky to have a Dad with such strong values and she will learn a lesson from this about commitments that should be kept.

[This message edited by nononsense at 10:51 AM, February 13th (Friday)]

SG,

Hopefully the IC helps her. If she doesn't stabilize it would have a negative impact on the kids. Be prepared for her to try to poison the well between you and the children. WW even when working on themselves in IC can come up with some really insane stuff. It sounds like your kids may already be aware of this, but it's something to watch out for nonetheless. You know already that can't trust her to apply reason or logic.

I Still love her but I want to divorce and see what's out there.

You should wait on this. Everyone here understands the feeling. Hell, I promised myself that if we did D, I would paint half my face blue and get a video of myself screaming "Freeeeedooommmm!" and post in on my facebook the day I changed my status to single. (It still may come down to that, so if it does, I'll post that on the D/S one too.)

But the honest truth is I've been married for too long, and know I need to work on myself for at least a year before I stick my foot in the water.

Edit: wait on the seeing what's out there, not the divorce

[This message edited by Notthevictem at 11:06 AM, February 13th (Friday)]

I don't have anything to add other than suggesting that you look into San Diego as your next golfing residence. The weather definitely permits it. In fact, it's the middle of February, and it's supposed to be in the 80's today. You could play Torrey Pines every day if you wanted. Also, it's not too far of a drive to Palm Springs, which is golf heaven.

You have been amazing throughout this whole process. I know I, and I'm sure, many others wish we could have been just 25% as strong as you have been.

I wish you the best in your journey.

She is going through great lengths to try and save what she destroyed, taking a lot of dramatic steps in a short period of time.

I know SG pulled the VAR. My curiosity is whether her and the OM talked and she unloaded him or he said (I am going to stay with my wife, beat it) and a VAR would have shown this but SG is content with his decision, which I completely agree with.

The question is when he comes back and she tells him everything she has done to patch things up and he stills says 'Divorce', how is she going to react ? It may turn evil. He still hasn't confronted her face to face yet and while SG has strength and wisdom, it is a whole lot different when you have to talk face to face. I am wondering how it is going to turn out.

SG is a credit to BS because of his decisiveness and moral character. His daughter is a credit and class act too. Good for her to react the way she did.

I appreciate SG's posts and keeping us up to date. Many here who fall apart at the first sign of an affair can learn from him.