SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You have what seems to be a remorseful WW, SG, but I'm right with you when it comes to D. There's no law that says you can't try this again sometime down the road with her.

If it's meant to be, you'll get back together. Your existing relationship was nuked though. You're simply beginning to remove the rubble in order to rebuild your life. Whether that includes her is TBD.

The complete lack of respect a WS has for their marriage is the part that I hope to never truly understand. Immediately patching things up with the same person who managed to rationalize and justify the affair which decimated your marriage is a dicey proposition at best imo.

Keep planning your work and working your plan, brother.

Good for you brother. I am relieved to hear your kids know. I think it was best coming from your WW.

The kids are adults and they will cope eventually.

So glad the golfing is good and you can relax. I think you did the right thing on all levels. You are strong decisive person and you did what you needed to do. Can't fault a man for knowing what need to be done for his own well being.

I too was a jock turned IT nerd. I played football in college. Was even on TV quite a lot back in the day. I am still in great shape I swim competition US seniors masters. My fWW gave up all that for some douche bag too. Go figure. My story is very similar to yours.

We did reconcile but I gave her only 1 chance right then and there on Dday. She took that chance and we worked on our selves. It was hard work and there were times I thought I would just move on but it all worked out.

Your update sounds like you are doing pretty well considering.

God speed my friend.

I agree Cuckold

One more thing to add since its cold today I had some time on my hands so I decided the OM's wife should know so I called her. I left a message and asked her to call me back. She is a realtor so it was easy to get her number.

She called me back and talked for 15 minutes. We have met but don't know each other really at all. I Told her about the affair. She Listened and asked if I have proof? I told her most of what I knew. I did tell her I would discuss with her but I also asked her to leave my wife alone and I would leave her husband to her. I also told her that her husband told my wife he loved her.

She started crying and I thought I maybe should not have called but she thanked me and I told her to call if he lies and I would prove he is lying.

I don't want her to hurt but I hope he gets what is coming to him. I told her I was divorcing and she did not know what she was going to do.

So I have that done and I have 2 days until I need to deal with this again.

Well done

You did the right thing and in the right way when you contacted his wife. She has a right to know and from the sound of it, she had no idea what was going on.

And yes, everyone feels sorry for the BS when they find out, but they have a right to know what is going on in their lives and to not be lied to every day.

And yes, it is a nice thought that the OM will now get his as he tried to worm out of it.

You're a great guy, Spaceghost!

You are one class act. I commend you sir!

SG-

You know yourself and your values best. It is your life and only you have to live with yourself afterwards. Kudos on telling OMs wife. Remember it was her husband that made her cry not you. You just gave her the details so she can make an informed decision about her life. You did not do anything wrong (not saying you feel that way, but some do so I addressed it).

Be prepared to talk to your W. It isn't going to be easy. Meet in a neutral private place, if you can. She is going to promise the world and then some to get you to not divorce her or at least delay it. Be wary of the naked man who offers you his shirt. Just words from someone who lies so easily to you cannot be taken at face value. You may believe you know her well, and you do, but she is protecting her interests and hers alone right now. She is backed into a corner and is desperate. Desperate people do crazy things. Be mindful of that. She has problems, you have a new set of problems and it makes good sense to work those out individually.

Take care. I know it hurts right now. It can and will get better for you. Be in tune with yourself and call in an expert if you need help. (Doctor, IC, etc.)

You are in IT so you know that while you can do somethings yourself, in some cases it makes sense to hire a consultant ? Similar thing here. You get assistance from people that do that everyday and can be objective about the short and long term goals. Just food for thought.

Be good to yourself, brother.

I agree that it was the right thing to contact his wife.

As far as your situation, if it's a "one and you're done" deal, that is your prerogative. You've shown her you are serious.

However, not to defend your WW, but I do think it is possible for someone to love somebody, but still do something to hurt them. This happens all the time, to varying degrees. Infidelity is way up there, but it's still hurting someone you love - it's not hurting a stranger. Is there any way that the "pros" could outweigh the "cons" in your relationship?

If you two love each other, have a family and history, it would be a shame for this huge error in judgment to destroy it all.

Just my thoughts.

SG...I've been following since this thread started. I give you so much credit for all you have done. I know you are hurting..that can't be helped. You are sticking with your convictions and for many people out there infidelity is a deal breaker. I'm glad that your kids are doing OK. Stay in good touch with them. I'm quite sure they are hurting also. It's quite a jolt to the system. I'm also very impressed with the way and calmness in which you told the other BS. Nothing but good wishes for you. Take care of yourself...I can't help but think that you will still go through a lot of the same anger and feelings that we all do whether reconciling or not.

However, not to defend your WW, but I do think it is possible for someone to love somebody, but still do something to hurt them. This happens all the time, to varying degrees. Infidelity is way up there, but it's still hurting someone you love - it's not hurting a stranger. Is there any way that the "pros" could outweigh the "cons" in your relationship?

I do agree with this and in thinking about it all, you could have the best wife any guy could hope for in the end.

Most people learn a great deal from their mistakes, and since this was a huge mistake, I am going to assume your wife has learned a great deal.

You have handled this admirably, you're a good man and it shows by your actions. It's great that you told OM's wife.

As for the kids, have you considered offering to pay for a therapist? I think it might help them tremendously.

I also agree that it would be good to divorce and see what's out there. Like you said, there's always a chance you will reconcile after the divorce and after a couple of years of you enjoying the single life and her working hard on herself. Maybe then you won't see her as damaged goods anymore, and maybe you will. I think divorce is the best option, and certainly one I'd choose in your position.

Best wishes

First of all, good job on contacting OMW. You are the man SG !!!!!

I am starting to see some as creeping the argument to R. I have felt you are right to D.

The only problem I see though is that if you do D and go out to play the field or what have you, with the thoughts of possibly re-connecting someday, she'll come back maybe. However, if she couldn't be loyal to you when you were happily married, why does anyone think she'll sit there for a couple years of your 'seeing what's out there' and work on herself ? The work on herself thing may last a few months but I highly doubt it if she is going to sit back pining for you for a few years while you are playing the field.

In other words, if I was there, I would either solidly D or if the thought of R is even remotely in your mind (and NO I AM NOT ADVOCATING THIS), then it may be wise to do that from the getgo. Because in a few years of breakup, when she comes back, if she does or if you have her back that is, it would have been after dating other guys.

Just a passing thought. I highly doubt that you two will breakup, romp around elsewhere and then say 'hey, let's try this again' after others were involved in the picture and more skeletons produced.

If I could sum up my jibberish here, it would be to either D and not turn back or R and work on it. But taking a break or what have you will lead to more problems.

I of course am in the D corner despite the great steps she's taking to show you remorse.

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quote]One more thing to add since its cold today I had some time on my hands so I decided the OM's wife should know so I called her. I left a message and asked her to call me back. She is a realtor so it was easy to get her number.

She called me back and talked for 15 minutes. We have met but don't know each other really at all. I Told her about the affair. She Listened and asked if I have proof? I told her most of what I knew. I did tell her I would discuss with her but I also asked her to leave my wife alone and I would leave her husband to her. I also told her that her husband told my wife he loved her.