SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think you also know that although your wife may still love you , she did not love you enough to tell you the truth on three separate instances.

When making absolute statements they can be false from time to time.

WS's do not tell for many reasons that have nothing to do with love.

There is a problem with drawing lines in the sand.

Never having to be there before one can not put himself in someone else's shoes and know how they will act.

Knowing how one would think or how they would want to react act in anticipation is not the same as when the "bullets" start flying.

So people paint themselves into a corner. Trapping themselves into believing what they can or can not do.

SpaceGhost, you've handled this admirably. I'm sorry you had to go through it. She had every warning in the world not to do it, she KNEW you would leave her, and she chose to anyway.

I didn't see where you talked to your kids, though. You said you were going to on Friday. What happened with that?

Hi Space Ghost,

I'm glad you're still determined on your course of action. Indeed your thread has been a prolific one IMO its because you're doing what most of us would like to have done, I mean no one likes to be on the loosing side of an affair, but if you find yourself in that position wouldn't it be great to have all your ducks in a row, with all variables under your control, and to top it off, with your feelings in check and able to steer this matter in the direction you know you want to follow? More on this, what answers are you expecting from your stxw? What will knowing the details of the affair contribute to the end result you're seeking? I believe these details are now part of your stxw private life and you are in no way entitled to them, and they cannot bring you any benefit in anyway, reconciliation wise this is mandatory but when going for divorce, do you really want to ask these questions? Would you ask them to any other person? In order to do that you must accept this, f*ck the details, she can keep them for herself. Aren't you already fed up with all this sh*t? If you play with fire you'll get burned, if you look for something where you shouldn't, you'll find what you don't want to find... just chalk it up to:"she trembles, she sighs, alas she's a woman". Of course the OM's wife is entitled to know about her husband's affair with your wife - but with minimum involvement of you, if possible in anonymity. We have a saying here: "If you want to know your girlfriend, marry her. If you want to know your wife, divorce her". There will come a time when she'll bite you if she can, be prepared because she won't forgive you for divorcing her.

How are your kids doing? It's so heartbreaking to see such an utter waste of a good marriage/family.

Sad. Take care of yourself. It will get easier.

It is the right for every BS to decide how much information about the affair they need to learn.

To tell a BH he does not need to know what his WW did with her OM is wrong.

It another thing to advise with once you ask a question and hear the answer you can never unhear that answer.

[This message edited by maestro at 4:42 PM, February 10th (Tuesday)]

I'm frankly surprised and disappointed in SI at the moment.

This thread is about SG and not a forum for D or R. It is wholly unacceptable for this to be an opportunity for the pro-reconciliation agenda to have its voice.

If R has worked for you then great. For most, I believe, R is rarely the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow that books and the media pretend it is.

Regardless of his final choice to D or R, his approach this far has been exemplary and is a benchmark for EVERYONE to follow. It is a widely held belief that R can only happen once the BS shows the consequences of the cheaters actions. Nothing he has done thus far prevents D or R if HE so chooses.

So stop it. Keep your projection to yourselves

Allatsea,

I haven't posted on this thread(I don't think), but in all fairness, this site is about support through infidelity...which the members are doing. And with support and advice, comes opinions. You know the drill---take what you want and leave the rest. It appears that SG knows how he wants to move forward, and I believe that everyone supports him. But I also think that mentioning that R may become a possibility for him isn't necessarily a bad thing. As long as they aren't pushing their own personal agenda...as opposed to offering a view that SG may not potentially contemplate or see...then I believe they are still looking for his best interests.

Personally, I am 100% behind SG's current path, because that appears to be his wishes. But if he posted tomorrow that he has done an about-face, and wants to R, then I am fully supportive of him also. If there is one thing that SG won't be accused of here, it is lack of direction.

But as far as the R vs. D going on here---I understand it. I think that everyone wants SG to have as much knowledge as he can going forward.

allat sea, you wrote:

It is wholly unacceptable for this to be an opportunity for the pro-reconciliation agenda to have its voice.

But SG wrote

I really do enjoy other points of view so it was interesting reading.

Who to believe?

But I also think that mentioning that R may become a possibility for him isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I don't know if you've read any of part the thread, but it's been mentioned again and again and again and again and again.

Then SG confirmed he was pursuing D, but, his choice notwithstanding, it was mentioned again and again and again and again and again.

Then SG said that he really doesn't think he can get over the A and so he will pursue D, nonetheless it was mentioned again and again and again and again and again.

Now, I'm not against R at all, but mentioning it as an option, even advising it in certain situation is one thing, to keep pushing it over and over when the OP has discarded the solution more than once it's a bit too much.

I think allatsea is absolutely right in this case

in all fairness

seen the above, I think there was nothing fair about this post. It is quite obvious that many posters are agenda driven, to the point of completely discarding OP's wants or opinions and actually beginning to sound like door to door salesmen.

Somebody even hinted at knowing what the OP really wants better than the OP himself:

There is a problem with drawing lines in the sand.

Never having to be there before one can not put himself in someone else's shoes and know how they will act.

Knowing how one would think or how they would want to react act in anticipation is not the same as when the "bullets" start flying.

So people paint themselves into a corner. Trapping themselves into believing what they can or can not do.

Again, I'm absolutely not against R in principle, and if SG changes his mind I'll be glad to read any advice that will be given to him in the matter. But there is a point when you have to accept that OPs plan are different and stop pushing your personal beliefs IMO.

Again, I'm absolutely not against R in principle, and if SG changes his mind I'll be glad to read any advice that will be given to him in the matter. But there is a point when you have to accept that OPs plan are different and stop pushing your personal beliefs IMO.

Then suggest that he move to the Divorce/Separation subforum.

I am fairly new here, there's obviously some suppressed tension between the D-ers and the R-ers, which is hurting the relationship between the two sides. Some unresolved issues. Clearly counseling is required.

Could we at least stop debating this on this thread?

I am fairly new here, there's obviously some suppressed tension between the D-ers and the R-ers

I'm fairly new too, I have no tension toward anybody and no prejudice about R or D.

Just calling it like I see it...

I agree this is not a forum for debating. It's for support - and we should support someone's decision, particularly when it's taken so decisively.

In particular we shouldn't make assumptions about someone's relationship with their kids, when and how they get told, etc.

Spaceghost, I think you'll find that, however heartbroken you are now, your recovery - and that of your children - will be the faster for the self-knowledge and decisiveness you've shown.

Spaceghost,

Hi. I'm thinking about you and just wanted to offer my support. It's been a while since I've been on this site. I saw your post and felt the need to respond. After a year of trying to forgive my WH I can no longer do it, so I really understand where you are coming from. You seem to know yourself really well. You know you will never get over this. I'm sorry it happened.

its practically the perfect example of the BEST way to get out of limbo land, to put the WW into reality land of consequences, and to regain control of your own destiny. many people come and do the nice the WS back, do the pick me dance, accept blame for their WS cheating (as if the WS were a marrionette), or remain in limbot forever. massive respect for forging ahead so quickly and intelligently.

im personally not advocating for anything. SG, you have to make your own decision on whether you wants to R or D and so far it appears you have. thats good. whatever you decide, again, we will support you.

People are losing sight with this thread.

Yes the OP wants to divorce. Nothing wrong with not wanting to recover or divorce.

However just to do something for the sake of saying I did something does not always mean it is the best decision. Or worst. An informed decision is always best.

Best decisions most often come about when things are thought out. There are things that need to be considered and weighed. As when the BS is young, no kids, no financial entanglements, short relationship history, it is usually best they get divorced.

As the entanglements increase the scale can lean in the decision making process to attempt recovery.

Being supportive is not saying what the BS wants to hear. Being supportive is taking the time to hear what the BS has to say as well as being a calm sense of reason and making them aware of all that they have not thought out before making any important life changing decisions.

Lynch mob mentality is never the way to go.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E88HEuwInno

As the entanglements increase the scale can lean in the decision making process to attempt recovery.

We're talking about people here...

People have feelings...

They need to take into consideration facts, of course, and the good things that might still be available salvaging a long standing marriage are surely among these facts.

But we are all different, some people think that they wouldn't be able to overcome certain situations then find they can, but the opposite is sometimes true.

Some think that they wouldn't be able to overcome certain situation and then find that it holds true.

The OP has been made well aware of all the options he has. He made his choice, he might change his mind later, but I think that now is the time to support him along the path he has chosen, without trying to impose a different opinion at all costs.

I hope he's sinking lots of birdies.

allatsea,

If you see a problem with what people are posting, please bring it to a moderator. Spaceghost has said that he likes hearing from all sides, so no one has gone against his wishes or against the guidelines.