SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

SpaceGhost,

I wish I had your strength and focus when I filed on my XWW. I couldn't do a damn thing during that time. I lost all interest in everything I enjoyed.

I wish my XWW was remorseful when I found out. Honestly, I always said I would never stay with a woman that cheated on me. I proved that when I divorced XWW #1 in the early 1990's. We were only married one year. She met a guy at work the day after we came home from our honeymoon...if you can believe that! I was in a lawyers office the next day filing for D.

5 years later I met XWW #2. She knew what I went through with XWW #1 and promised she could never do that to me. 13 years and 3 children later...she did. This time was much worse for me. Strangely enought, my decision was no longer clear. I didn't want to lose her on some days but hated her on others. In the end, I didn't really have a choice, unlike with XWW #1, XWW #2 had no real remorse.

Anyway, I hope you continue to enjoy your golf vacation and are able to put this behind you for a while.

The lying and other bullshit would be a deal breaker for most of us here.

SG

I hope the rest of your vacation is without rain and that you can leave all of us to debate until you are home and get some stuff done. I think you know exactly what you are going to do.

I think you also know that although your wife may still love you , she did not love you enough to tell you the truth on three separate instances. And I think you know if you know that if she had answered her phone while you were out of town , and you had not come home unexpectedly and found her lingerie hanging , and she had not been stupid enough to shave herself, that she had no intention of stopping this affair. Only when she knew you were suspicious did it not become not "fun" anymore. You heard that on the VAR for yourself

You state that your job gave her the opportunity to cheat and she sure did not waste a lot of time taking it.

The lies are over only because she got caught and her loving you or not had nothing to do with it. You are way too smart to not know that what you are hearing now about mistakes and remorse are not anything unique. The overwhelming of WS that caught give the same speech of "I'm sorry , I made a terrible mistake, and I'll do anything to save our marriage"

If you had not caught her she would have been right in bed with the OM the minute you left and you know that no matter what she says now that is true .

You are a courageous man and will find what you want in a woman. You deserve better than this and I wish you strength.

Hang in there, Ghost.

I can't say I know from experience because mine reacted differently after DDay, but it must be hard to stick to your guns and divorce when the woman you've loved is pining away for you.

You can always change your mind, of course, but in the end you've got to be true to yourself imo.

Keep strong SG You are doing well.

Glad that the golf is helping you relax, you need it..

Now, you said:

I am divorcing me wife. I know how this sounds terrible but she is like damaged goods to me. This is not how a man should look at his wife. I know some people are able to get past this but I cannot. And I know some have said maybe I need counseling due to my mother issues but I do not agree. I treated my wife well and never cheated on her even once. We treated each other well so it was a good marriage. I also told my wife having sex with another man would end our marriage. I have no idea why I need counseling because I do not want to stay married to a woman who cheated on me. This is one of my core beliefs in life. She knew it was a deal breaker but it did not stop her.

From what your WW has said, it is safe to assume she will spend the next week frantically coming up with reasons and strategies to convince you to not divorce her.

So right at the start of your first talk you may have to tell her that there is no stopping the divorce and why that is (like above).

Something to think about though, is there a possibility that the damaged goods reference is actually the marriage being tainted or your wife?

There is always a (small) possibility that once the divorce is final, your mindset may change due to the tainted marriage being put to rest. You won't know of course until that comes to pass.

Lastly:

Very wise move to keep the VAR on you, especially once you dash her hopes for stopping a divorce, her desperation may turn nasty, or self destructive (or both). So prepare as, you do not know 100% how she will react...

Enjoy your golf, you certainly got a "hole in one" with handling your current crisis so far.

PR

SG, I have been following your thread since it started. Just wanted to say, from experience, I totally get the "damaged goods" view of your wife. It may not be politically correct...but it is the truth.

You held yourself and your marriage to a standard. That standard was "No fucking other people" Which for most would not seem like too difficult a task.

But your wife held herself to a different standard of "I want to feel some fun and excitement...so I will be off fucking and sucking someone else first chance I get" She did this KNOWING it was a complete deal breaker for you!

So yes, you get to view her as "damaged goods". She was your wife, who gave herself to another man...for fun. She was not victimized by someone else, she did this to herself, by choice. Now she understands that those choices have consequences. Its sad when a grown woman as to learn a lesson most of got in grade school.

You get to move on and find someone who will honor and respect you the way you deserve.

Now don't let all this drama cause you to drop your shoulder, open the face up your club and start slicing the ball!

Stay strong brother. I know exactly how you feel. Everyday, it's a struggle for me to accept a wife that cheated me on. It's been 1year and almost a month. And honestly, it is not any easier.

She has done just about about what I want to move forward, but that doesn't change the choices she made and the damage she's done.

Good luck dude! It takes a whole lot of strength to do what you're doing.

You are an inspiration SpaceGhost0007. I too come from a similar background of infidelity issues with my parents and I made the same pact of no adultery with my wayward husband throughout our marriage. I commend you for your decision to divorce and sticking with your values. You have too many good years ahead of you to enjoy your life without the misery of attempting reconciliation and wondering when the infidelity may occur again.

Take care of yourself!

SG, hoping the golf is good, the weather kind, your head clearer and your heart less heavy.

You are getting great advice. Tred, biggers, Craig, etc are like our Yoda. Lol.

I did want to add something. With u remorseful, cake eating or foggy WS filing for d is often used to knock them off the fence. We tell them even if you file it doesn't mean instant divorce. You can stop the process later, easily.

I get you are full steam towards d. If your wife cheating is the deal breaker - it is what it is. We don't offer a lesser or more supportive package on this site based upon the road you choose. We support no matter what.

We also usually wait 6+ months to make a big life altering decision. Think in heat of battle isn't the best time to plan long term strategy.

Im in favor of what's best for you. R or d. Whatever is healthiest for you and what you choose as best for you.

I'd only caution. You are on an emotional rollercoaster. Its a long ride - marathon not sprint. You will go up and down. Expect that you will probably have doubt's at some point about your decision. Normal. I'd only suggest while you go through file to divorce is final to think. Use the time to think whats really best for you.

I'd suggest the same to anyone else in a just found out time frame. Detach. Stay healthy. Think hard and long about a life altering choice but don't remain in limbo, then act on that choice. Don't make a serious decision with less thought about it than most WS choice to kill the marriage with cheating (always a burn to the bs - betrayal without even a thought of the consequences and seriousnss of their choice). Don't replicate making serious decisions without pondering and while in deep shock and emotional pain.

SpaceGhost, your decision that being cheated on in this way means that your marriage is over is a completely healthy one, in my view. No-one should be trying to talk you out of that. We are not obliged to give quarter to the people who betray us and cheat on us. There are many people here who ended up divorcing (me included) having wasted a lot of tears and time trying to patch up something that was essentially fouled-up by the infidelity. Divorce is not the disaster that many think it is. If a marriage goes wrong (and f***ing someone else is a pretty spectacular way to make it go wrong), it's often the case that everyone will be better off and happier if it's cut off at the knees. No-one should try and talk you into trying to patch up a marriage with a cheater.

I also told my wife having sex with another man would end our marriage. I have no idea why I need counseling because I do not want to stay married to a woman who cheated on me. This is one of my core beliefs in life. She knew it was a deal breaker but it did not stop her.

...and there you have it. Her A was a deal breaker. You knew it would be. You told her it would be. It was.

Many people here, myself included, completely understand. I completely and respectfully disagree with the "wait 6 months before you make any major decisions" advice that is often given to victims of infidelity It may be good advice for those who are in shock, confused, etc., but, for those people who have clarity about infidelity being a deal breaker there is no need to wait. It's is completely, 100% up to you to decide how quickly to move forward with the D. (See my DDay and Divorce dates, below.)

Do you need counseling? You certainly don't need it regarding anything to do with the A being a deal breaker. Whether you could benefit from therapy is something for you to decide. You sound very capable of deciding if therapy could be of value to you.

Best to you.

[This message edited by nomistakeaboutit at 5:45 AM, February 10th (Tuesday)]

After my second d-day with my ex, I did the same. I just walked away because I knew I was done. Once you are done, you are done and many people are like this. I am also an analytical thinker, so I had a plan in place, put it into motion and walked away to start my new life.

You know yourself. Just stay true to who you are.

Anger, which is sometime hiding grief, may hit later...and the processing of that anger/grief might be worth some counseling if you find you become stuck. That could hit months down the road, or the first major holiday your children have to try to negotiate, or when you see two people holding hands. It may come out of nowhere. As my IC explained, as you move past the "intense" stuff, your mind will then have to process the nuances, the layers, and that could bring up grief much later than you expect. Or, it might blindside you once you are really feeling good. Like, suddenly your defenses are down and your brain can process.

Because I detached, I was able (and still am able) to share holidays, birthdays, etc with my ex. People don't understand, but I am just...detached...so I understand exactly what you are saying.

I admire you. I'm 4 years out and if it ever happens to me again, there will be no second chances. I will serve and walk away.

Strength.

Tom. You Mr. Divorce her now ? I was vying for that title.

Seriously SG, I understand your damaged goods argument. I would see it the same way. I don't know wtf she was thinking or doing or why it would be cool to do that. At least you are being compassionate.

Hope the rains clear and the sun comes out for you, SG. In all manners of the term.

I think your case brings out the tragedy of an affair more than most, because you've recognized the truth of it from day one, and now it is just process and acceptance. There is no going back to the moment before D-Day.

There's a movie out called The Counselor, not the best movie ever, but there is a dialog in it between a man (the counselor) who has made a tragic mistake that will cost him what he loves, and another (Jefe) that he thought could help him. Reminds me of your wife, and I hope she can see the truth of the situation sooner than later.

Jefe: I would urge you to see the truth in your situation, Counselor. That is my advice. It is not for me to say what you should have done. Or not done. I only know that the world in which they are are made. You are at a cross in the road and here you think to choose. But there is no choosing. There is only accepting. The choosing was done long ago.

http://grafite6b.tumblr.com/post/70283996383/the-counselor-on-the-phone-in-a-hotel-room-in-el

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 8:48 AM, February 10th (Tuesday)]

SpaceGhost, relax, don't think about it. Enjoy your time away. Man I wish I was out playing with you. Golf is just the thing to take your mind off of the world for a while.

Have a big ol ribeye and a beer and just be free of everything for a while. You need it and you deserve it.

Hit the ball 330 yards off the tee Like Rory...if your left handed then do it like Phil. LOL. Just be at peace with yourself.

Remember you owe no one anything no conversations about anything right now. You do not need to explain your actions. This is YOUR life that has been turned upside down. You are doing what you need for you and that is what matters most.

To all the posters saying don't make a decision now, stop and think about it, you can change your mind, don't burn those bridges.

His decision was made long ago and he told his WW that...years ago. It was not done with out plenty of thought.

His WW had their whole marriage to think about this decision. So I say to you all... SHE mad the decision, SG is following through on what was agreed.

Respect and support that as you would someone trying to R.

Every thing on this thread has been hashed and re-hashed. We need to lend him moral support and encouragement.

Let him have some peace while he is on vacation.

Strength and tranquility to you brother.

[This message edited by 10yearsafter at 8:11 AM, February 10th (Tuesday)]

Space

I want to thank you for your decisiveness. This thread should be tacked as an example (not the example) of how to survive infidelity. But it also should be a reference for you to deal with events to come.

I am specifically talking about her "remorse." Lest anyone here thinks otherwise, I will dispel the notion that her "remorse" originates from some place other than Spaceghost delivering divorce papers.

I will say it this way for effect - she is a blubbering hot mess only because SG took decisive action to get himself out of infidelity.

Up to this point, she lied, deflected and cheated. Even when confronted, she (as most cheaters do) lied.

SG is getting the waterworks only because he has taken action - action he realized he needed - to heal.

So folks, and SG, remember this - in leadership training, we teach that making a decision, even the wrong one, is almost ALWAYS preferable to indecision.

Or in the terminology of infidelity - limbo sucks. It really, really sucks.

Good luck, strength and healing to you sir!

If you had not caught her she would have been right in bed with the OM the minute you left and you know that no matter what she says now that is true .

Again, no one knows that at all. She already told the OM she wanted it ended before she was served.

The bottom line here is that for SpaceGhost, an affair is a deal breaker and too much to get over. Because of his life and what he and his wife discussed years ago.

For most other BHs, this type of remorse could very well lead to R.

I'm sorry SG, but I don't agree with your reasoning regarding the damaged goods. Especially coming from you.

We have to admit that we are all somehow damaged, and how we reacted to the issues that caused the damage greatly determines our character. You were "damaged" in your youth and yet today the pain caused by it has strengthened you, whereas others would be weakened with a lifetime of additional misery from the same experiences.

That said, you and your thread has taught me that divorce may be the best choice for most of these situations of infidelity. I never looked at it this way before, regardless of how many sites or threads I have read over many years.

Putting aside the amazing way you handled the situation, I tried on a different post to explain something you made me realize.

Many of the posters here say they wished their wives were remorseful at Dday or immediately after. Truth is that your wife acted like a remorseful wife, loving and all, WHILE she was actively cheating.

You simply will never have any way to gauge her honesty in the future. Just as bad, you will also start to doubt her honesty on so many other past issues throughout your last 20 years together. Not only did she lie so well, but you only caught her by complete coincidence.

How you managed a month and a half of so much pain while holding it together with a plan is amazing, this thread should be mandatory reading for any new BS on how to act regardless of future intentions.

I do also hope you update us on your children and how that went. You will no doubt have to help them to forgive your wife and move on. The lesson you are teaching them with your actions based on an unfortunate situation will forever be invaluable to them.

I hope I am not out of line with this post and at worst it gives you a different perspective.