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Space Ghost

Sending you great strength to get through this week. Emotionally you will be drained as you have read here from your many friends on SI that have went through the exact same emotional roller-coaster after we had our D-Day.

I admire your convictions and firmness in your decision but also as many have said, please keep that door open (R) just in case in you change your mind and that's why so many books and MC's advise us faithful spouses to take six months before making any major decisions.

I was blindsided as you were and as so many other BS here were too. One thing I have read over and over in books and was also told in IC and MC, that "Good People make Bed Decisions".

Now with that being said, your WW is broken and somewhere along the way she picked up some mal-adapted coping skills and who knows many have needed outside validation for whatever caused her to give up her integrity and family for a few selfish "kibbles".

In my case, I could not do what you did because we were dealing with a horrific "Eating Disorder" with our only child our daughter. She had threatened suicide several times and I know in my heart, if she knew what her mother did and lied to all of us and if I chose divorce , that would have pushed her over that edge (per daughter's IC), same as my IC and MC.

So i gave WW that chance of "R"...

you said about your WW

I also asked her to email the details on her affair and that set her off

"sheesh "set her off" your WW is still in her FOG, she is doing one or both of these

1) protecting her AP

2)protecting herself, and has convinced herself by not giving you all the details you need as a BS she will protect you"

These are lies she is continuing to tell herself, these lies are what got her in troubhe here to begin with.

Its not uncommon for waywards to think by giving all the details we BS's need, that will help the healing process and if they do give those details that information will create more problems. NOthng could be further from the truth, Each BS has the right to the details they want to know. Some want everything and some want nothing and some was only a little. That's your call not the Wayward's call.

What she doesnt know is these details about the A, help us to heal, knowing the truth has less pain for us than not knowing. It's common for us to visualize things are much worse in our minds than what the truth really is.

When you said you were shaking, thats normal, I had the shakes, had night sweats, I threw up until I had the dry heaves and ended up sleeping on the bathroom floor rug I had weakend myself so much, lost 35# in 6 weeks (known as the infidelity diet), please stay hydrated and try to get some sleep, if they have a spa there get yourself a nice deep tissue or relaxation massage it helps I did that.

Regardless of going the "D" route or "R" route i looks like you want details, as you have every right to know what was going on in your marriage.

If you ask her a question and you know the true answer is different, stay calm, keep eye contact and ask her "Would you like to re-think your answer"

When I did that, WW would then ask what I know, again more turf protection. Never tell them what you know. They want to minimize what you know and rug sweep the details.

Also contact the AP's faithful wife soon as she has every right to know what is going on in her marriage.

When I called AP's Faithful wife, I changed my cell to no caller ID..and must have called 20X in 2 days...when she finally picked up, I identified myself, was very humble and spoke in a supportive voice and told her ..her response surprised me and was "This doesnt surprise me, as I've been expecting this for quite some time"

I waited about 6 weeks before I confronted and AP's wife and I kept talking and sharing notes on our wayward spouses.

I am sending you great strength to get through this most difficult week. Eat well and stay away from alcohol.

I admire your golfing trip..my hobby is boating and my boat was in winter storage.. on my D-day.

me: 59

her WW- 58

7 yr LTA (PA & EA) with her former boss

D-25 yrs old- former eating disorder now OCB

married 27 yrs

in "R" and its been roller-coaster

D-day 3-13-12

confronted 6 wks later (dropped 35# in those 6 wks and spend 2 days in the hospital with severe chest pains--thought I was having a heart attack)

I contacted AP's faithful wife outed their "A" (she knew nothing)and we both kept tabs on our waywards

True NO Contact- July 2012

Fog, denials, blame shifting, rub sweeping, TT selfish, stubborn...lots of mal-adapted coping skills, no boundaries...you name it and she did it but things are finally getting better very slowly ...and I mean very slowly

its a long road....and painful

IN R but I may go the D route (??)

DD is better but not there yet, lots of OCB's still to shed which is why I'm still here

I also asked her to email the details on her affair and that set her off.

I wonder what set her off meant?

More crying or an attitude?

Space, like everyone has said this was not your fault at all. This is all on your WW. Look man, early on your response was awesome when you found out about the affair. Most of here, our initial response when finding out was all over the map. I know mine was. But I think you've made a mistake by not yet informing the betrayed wife of the POS O.M. Granted she may be one of these ladies that wants to keep the perks of being the wife of a wealthy man, who knows. But then again maybe not. Of course your wife has told him now about her being served an that you know. Based on what you earlier found out, he is very worried about this. Don't give him time to spin a story to his wife about you being some kind of clueless deranged nut. She deserves to know now, if only to protect herself from further possible exposure to STDs. There's still a chance he hasn't told his wife yet, but in all likely hood he has. In my own case I wrongly waited nearly two weeks before I outed the POS OM to his wife. I lucked out, he hadn't told her anything. Look, whether you want it or not, you are do a little revenge. If you can contact the jerks wife by phone, do it. Then get back to your golf. STRENGTH TO YOU.

I totally understand your feelings of inadequacy. I feel the same way very often with my WW. But you are very much a man and not inadequate at all. Your wife is broken. Like Val Kilmer's Doc Holiday said, she has "a big hole right through the middle" of her. No amount of cheating, illicit sex or male attention can ever fill it.

Knock the shit out of those balls. Have fun. Get your mind d off her and take a break from SI.

As for moving somewhere where you can play golf year round? Well I don't have to tell you... Come to Arizona my friend. The economy is bouncing back and its a nice place to live. You can play up north in Flagstaff and Prescott during the hot months and in the winter the Phoenix valley has the best golfing on earth. The female golfers are cute, numerous and available.

They asked if I wanted to go party with them in their room. I told them I don't think their husbands would like that. They said they aren't here! I politely said I had some plans so I could not do that.

Spaceghost - Many men would have taken these women up on their offer. Many would have done it even if their wives were faithful, and many, many would have leaped at this given your situation saying, "Well, she broke the marriage, why not?" Many men would have used this situation to boost their wounded egos.

YOU ARE AN HONORABLE MAN WITH INTEGRITY - THIS is masculinity. Our culture has false gender constructs. Being a man has no more to do with muscles, penis size or sexual prowess than being a woman has to do with cup size or number of orgasms. Like you said, you know this.

Your feelings are understandable. I feel humiliated about being left for OW-that everyone is staring at me, judging me...he is going around telling people I was icy in bed, and oh, what a lie that is.

Well, since hopefully Space Ghost will be golfing instead of reading for a little while, I guess we may be posting and discussing this among ourselves.

What I still cannot understand is this.

Space Ghost has said the following

"Infidelity is a deal breaker for him for a number of reasons, including his mothers infidelity" At no time in ANY of his posts, including the last one, has he indicated any change in that position, and yet there is still a continuing offer of reconciliation advice.

Now, while many of us said that and changed our minds, don't you think it might be more respectful to wait until he comes to that IF HE EVER DOES, before giving him tips on R strategy and MC.

Now, when he finally does talk to his wife, and assuming she does not know about the PI or the VAR, what does everyone think she will say to him:

And how many think her first call was to her family or religious leader. Nope, my bet is the first two people to find out were her good old friend who gave her counsel to lie her ass off, and her OM who is probably more than willing to back whatever story she tells Space Ghost in an attempt to save his own ass.

This affair is even more horrible than most if that is possible because she was not in love, not hating her husband, claiming no abuse.

IT WAS JUST FUCKING FUN!!!!

With the amount of information that Space Ghost has shared, I am sure if for some unknown reason he even contemplates giving her another chance, he will most likely be very appreciative of advice on R and will ask for it.

Until then, how about honoring his statements and wishes.

I have never once seen SpaceGhost ask anyone to stop selling him on R. You are projecting here.

He asked for advice, he got multitudes of honest advice from many people, both for R and D. Caveat emptor and YMMV.

This affair is even more horrible than most if that is possible because she was not in love, not hating her husband, claiming no abuse.

IT WAS JUST FUCKING FUN!!!!

I think the opposite. She worked to maintain the marriage throughout. She still loved her husband. She didn't abuse him or set the stage by making shit up to say it was his fault. She just utterly violated his trust, which is common to all affairs.

Hi SpaceGhost. You have tons of advice here about your WW's A so I want to point out some other things that may not be so obvious and share some of my own experience with you. I could be reading to far into it and if I am, my apologies and feel free to tell me to shut up.

First you have talked about your mother's infidelity in the past and how you were abandoned as a child by her. I'm guessing that there are probably a lot of unresolved issues from your mother's A which is really the first time you were cheated on. But really that first one has had such a profound dramatic effect on your life that it probably shaped who you are. Probably drove you to have a better life for yourself and motivated your career in some ways. Probably has a lot to do with where you are today. Your mother's A and subsequent abandonment has established profound trust issues in you. You were reluctant to give your WW your heart to begin with and had conversations with her over the years as a result of those trust issues.

So far, I can honestly say the same about myself. Though my mother didn't abandon us for her AP though I wish she would have sometimes. Instead she stayed but also continued to have her A even after I exposed it time and time again. I was the one that discovered my mother's A and blew the lid off on dday. The trust shattering part is that false R went on for the next 6 years. She would have left us for her AP had the OM left his wife but OM did not want to leave his wife. I didn't know it when I was a kid, but I have come to find that I have a lot of trust issues as an adult. I have also been diagnosed with PTSD with many of my trauma's stemming from the time of my mother's A (among other things). These issues have sent me on a quest for a better life for myself. Along the way I have had many trust issues with previous ltgf's and I have had those same conversations with my wife about affairs that you have had with yours. How could we not when out lives were so dramatically impacted by what happened to us in our childhood.

Where am I going with all this? Right now, whether consciously or subconsciously, you are dealing with a lot more that your WW's A. Yes, your WW's A is front and center in your world, but many of those unresolved emotions from your childhood are now too. They are being brought forward on some levels. I can see it in your posts earlier of you wouldn't have mentioned it. These questions that you are asking now...who, what, how, wy, etc... Are probably the same questions that you had as a child and you are now getting a double does of those questions which is fueling your fire. Your quest for why. I think those questions are normal for any BS whose spouse is having an A. I just think you now have a double dose of those questions and as such, your motivation to get to the bottom is that much greater. After all, how could this happen twice in your life right?

You are perfectly entitled to ask those questions and I think you should. I have asked them myself about my mother. I even ddi research on and off for 25 years trying to figure out how could she. The problem you are going to have SpaceGhost getting those answers is that you are not going to get the real answers as to why for a great while yet. The answers to your questions cannot be answered simply in an email. If you don't get blame shifting and gas lighting, you will probably get superficial surface answers. Things like I never thought it would go that far and it would just be for fun. That she made a mistake (if she uses the word mistake don't take that shit for one second as it was a series of calculated decisions - mistake my ass!!!), that she didn't think of the consequences, that she didn't think you would ever know of get hurt. Blah blah blah. Whatever her first reaction immediate responses are, those are not the correct ones. Or more accurately not the answers that really matter.

Why did she do this if she knew that this was a deal breaker for you? What is broken in her that would allow her to betray you, you r family, and herself? Is it FOO (family of origin) issues? Empty nest and she was bored? In order to get to the bottom of those she will need a lot of therapy and dig deep. You will not get the answer that matter to your questions until she does a lot of hard work. Until then you will only get the superficial bullshit.

I get why this was an instant deal breaker and that there is no chance of R for you. How could there be if she knew that this was going to be such a major issue and then she went ahead and did it anyway. The writing has always been on the wall for her so it's not like she didn't understand the consequences. That is an extra added bonus fuck you to you from her. I get it. I really do. If my wife were to have an A I honestly don't think I would survive let alone be able to R. Most A's end in D as it is so odds are really stacked against an R for you anyway. In all that research that I have done in 25 years I know that someone who has had a major trauma by infidelity in their childhood's have the hardest time getting over when their spouse does it and that's a fact. Shirley Glass talks about it briefly in her book Not Just Friends but I have seen it mentioned more in depth on Psychology Today and in other places.

And that's the gist of my entire post here SpaceGhost. That the pain of your WW's A, that everything you are doing and feeling either consciously or subconsciously is x2. Everything. This is why I'm very worried about you. Not that you will do something stupid, but that you will carry around needless pain for long periods of time and you will obsess of the why's of your WW because you never got your answers as a child. There are two why's for sure. Your WW is very selfish on some levels as you have to be in order to have an affair and she has very poor boundaries as you have to in order to have an affair. The why's behind those two things you may never get an answer for on your way out the door. At least not a real why as to what makes your stbxww broken.

If you are not already in IC, please look into it. Preferably one that specializes in PTSD. I can see it in your posts and I see you have a lot of unresolved issues. I fought going to IC for 25 years. I wanted to be a man and handle it the old school way on my own. Let me tell you that I have learned so much about myself and how/why I react the way that I do. I strongly encourage you to got for IC.

Also, I still haven't seen you get tested for STDs. When you get back, please make that a priority for yourself along with notifying the OBS.

My apologies if I'm wrong on all that. I don't think that I am which is why I worry about you and how much pain you are enduring right now. Never mind your WW and what the hell is going on with her. What the hell is going on with SpaceGhost? That is where your efforts should now be concentrated is on your healing journey. You have been doing a fantastic job getting the fuck out of infidelity. Take care of the last bits of business when you can and then get to your own healing.

You have my deepest empathy.

yop

Here is my opinion on Spaceghost.

1) I think he’s played things perfectly. He’s a man who knows what he wants, what he can handle and isn’t wallowing around feeling badly for himself like many BS do around here so kudos to him.

2) He was decisive and got the job done although he is out of town and who knows if she’s retaliating at home.

3) I don’t know if his wife’s affair was any better or worse because it was for ‘fun’. It’s definitely more of a waste that way but if she was in ‘love with the other guy, would that be worse ?

4) Good for SG in denying the three women at the bar. First off, he would have been the OM and would be no better than his wife’s boss. Secondly, he is still married and is an upstanding guy in not cheating on his wife despite what she did to him. RA’s are horrible too. I am not for RA’s but I am for divorce and he’s playing his cards right

5) If he chooses to R (AND NO I AM NOT HERE TRYING TO GET HIM TO THINK ABOUT IT AS I AM NOT AN R GUY EITHER), then he would have to deal with the fact he did #4 at a later date

6) Bad luck running into 3 women who are trying to cheat on their husbands right after he got cheated on. WTF is wrong with society nowadays ? Probably passed up on the best sex of his life but that is also irrelevant when considering that he stood on the moral grounds he has and he can walk away knowing he’s clean. Sluts

7) Good move not talking to the WW for a week. I hope she is there sweating her ass off. She deserves the pain she endures for this week and he deserves peace of mind.

8) I agree with SG that his WW still loves him unlike several of the recent posters here. That is why I mentioned #5. He ‘s headed for D now and I agree with this and support it fully. However, when he gets home and sees her state and the talk she will do, I have seen resilient people like SG change their minds before and so if I were a betting man, I would say 90% D 10% R but he needs to heal himself and not take any options off the table. Let me be clear, what she did is a deal breaker and I too wouldn’t be able to forgive. But stupid things happen.

9) He has to stop dragging his feet on letting the OM’s wife know. She has a right to know for sure.

10) I hope he put a VAR in her car before he left as well as a keylogger. The conversations that are going on, while irrelevant to him in the present, may mean something to him later on (or maybe not) but it might reveal more of the truth that he is looking for.

11) I think his WW stonewalled on the email because she wants to snowball him face to face

12) I hope he has a good week of golf. I just got off the course myself today. 93. Not great, first time of the year

Now, while many of us said that and changed our minds, don't you think it might be more respectful to wait until he comes to that IF HE EVER DOES, before giving him tips on R strategy and MC.

All options are always the best.

Many have thought affairs are deal breakers, and then it happens. Then the WW really opens up, honesty, past and present, and a whole new set of emotions kick in.

All options are always best. Only SG knows at this time. Because only he knows his wife, only he can hear the actual confessions, only he knows if she is sincere or not.

There are usually only 3 options after DDay:

1. Divorce

2. Reconcile

3. Live in limbo land.

Well we know he wont be choosing #3, thankfully.

The ease at which she set this affair up leads me to believe that this PA is not her first rodeo.

If....if....he somehow changes his mind and R or remarriage is back on the table, he should tell her that she needs to come clean on any past indescretions, because he's going to ask her go set up a polygraph test before he makes any final decision.

I agree Beerparty on all of it.

I don't think this was her first and a polygraph is a must if he chooses that route.

WTF was she thinking ??

Or is she James Bond in hiding stuff ?

Beer Party & Western

You have it right .

The ease that she compartmentlized this and remained "perfect " wife at least makes one think she might have done this before. At least enough of a possibility to demand polygraph if it comes to that..

I think Ghost took the VAR out of car , although with him gone she probably has the burner phone in the house since there is no reason to only talk in car. It's too bad he will never know her immediate conversations and the advice she got from. Her girlfriend and OM. Like he said, it does not matter if he continues to D but it sure would have helped verifying the bull shit we know she will tell him.

By now Mr. Millionaire is still probably pretty cocky as long as Ghost did not tell her in the letter he knows it was her boss. So my guess is right now he is acting as the wife's mentor in formulating the lies she will tell him. I don't think he"lol dare tell his wife and try to minimize it or make Ghost out to be crazy.

I sure as hell hope Ghost does tell the BW . If he does not there is a chance the boss man might just take care of her financially to keep getting laid since he told her to lie so they could keep the affair going.

I also wonder what his sons reaction was . Maybe he did not tell them Friday .

I agree nononsense

Spaceghost,

Please PM me your location, hotel, etc, and inform those ladies at the bar that your manager will be flying in tomorrow, and you should contact him to set things up....

Oh, tell them he's (I'm) flying in because my insurance will not allow me to drive the Ferrari more than one state away from home, and the Lamborghini is in for its 6 month maintenance.

Jcanada your heart is in the right place

I think if space was a few months out he would take you up on it.

He needs time.

Take care Space you are a quality man as those two ladies noticed.

The ease at which she set this affair up leads me to believe that this PA is not her first rodeo.

Uhhh...so on her first rodeo she got away totally clean and unsuspected, but on the second she forgot that maybe her husband might suspect shaved shrubbery? People usually improve with practice.

I think the OM was the skilled veteran. Wonder if his wife is his first. As long as we are wildly speculating.

Space just clean your side of the street and have the pi give her a copy of the info he gave you.

After that fook it.

Boy. I expected her to blow up the phone. The real question is "what now?" You have to go home someday. What will you find? You may expect her to take the high road but once it sinks in anything can happen. She may even show up at your hotel.

You may already have it figured out, but I'm not seeing it, so think strategically. You have made your move and you gave her the maximum impact. You are probably feeling in control. Alright now, don't expect her to disappear. If she is still in the house, and she probably will be, she will be on you 24/7 with promises, denials, threats, kids involved, friends and family involved, and who knows what else.

You cannot expect to do an in house separation here, so you may need to find a place. Start looking on the net. You'd be surprised how easy it is. Do you have separate cash? You will need it.

If you were like me, you have all sorts of things booked with her in the next few months. You need to cancel them. Give the concert or big game tickets away. Do not engage with her. Do not hide the fact that you are done. Tell whoever needs to know at work and in your life.

I've been where you are, so I know that there are so many things to do and worry about, from insurance to gym fees. It will all seem overwhelming, but it Is easy easy once you start acting.

My sense is you have focused on demonstrating you are not fooled by her, but what have you done re the next steps? Talk to your banker, you broker, you boss and make sure while you are playing golf she is not jamming you up. I know she has a restraining order, but that will mean squat if she has cleaned out the accounts and headed south with Om. Cancel your cards. While you are decompressing, she will be acting. Depend on it.

Know this. I expected my W to evaporate. She didn't. She was on me like a tar baby. Think. Plan. You have a small window because once she gets that it is over, she will make you life hell. Don't waste this precious time.

The planning so far is impeccable. Don't let it fail in the execution.

The planning so far is impeccable. Don't let it fail in the execution.

This x 1000. You've done a great job of getting yourself out of infidelity, Ghost, but you've got a long ways to go.

How does the saying go? Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst?

*Cynical thoughts loading*

Your WW's situation is looking pretty dire. When she says "You are her world", she's really saying, "I love the lifestyle you've afforded me" and "WTF am I going to do without your income?" and "I love having a body next to me at home". The OM isn't a viable option for her. She knows this. That's you.

Be prepared for her to bite and claw her way out of this marriage. You've backed her into a corner and basically told her there's no discussing it. End of story. She's going to go into survival mode herself now. This has all the earmarks of everyone looking out for #1 from here on out.

If it were me, I'd take some time out of that reprieve you've given yourself and continue to get your ducks in a row (if you haven't already). Don't let up with that full court press. Unless you have a serious change of heart, you've basically committed yourself to it at this point. Do everything you can possibly do to protect yourself.

[This message edited by Cuckold at 10:20 PM, February 8th (Sunday)]