SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just wanted to let you know I totally get your reasoning to end things after an affair. I did the same thing and never looked back. It will be difficult. But I am like you. I knew I could never get past it.

Good luck.

SG, great summary. Best of luck and have fun on your outing.

Quick question though:

I have his email also so I am going to send him an email letting him know I know what he did with my wife.

Just wondering the reasons for this. In general you want to make sure there's an explicit benefit or reason for actions such as this, so I hope you're tying this to something that's going to help you.

As background, almost always communications with the OM/OW hurt more than help, since they feed their egos and give them motivation to keep the WS on a string.

[This message edited by mhca at 10:07 PM, February 5th (Thursday)]

My heart hurts for you. I'm so sorry she did this to you.

I hope your trip provides the reprieve you are seeking. Best wishes to you.

SpaceGhost: I have nothing but admiration for you throughout your posts on this site. IMO, you are handling a horrible situation with integrity. It's more than difficult to love someone yet know you have to let them go in order to maintain your own standards (if that's the correct word to use). I believe that once a person loses self respect, it's a downhill slide; you have stood firm rather than compromise your convictions. You will get through this; you will have a different life hereafter but, you will have a good life through the years to come without having compromised who you are.

(((( ))))

"I would caution you that there is always the possibility that your decision on wanting R or not might change later on.

So do not burn your bridges totally."

I actually see this issue differently.

I think the strongest move for a BS, even if they eventually want R, is to expose, file, and burn every bridge down.

And if a WS really desperately wants to save their M, they better start doing some fast and furious work to rebuild those bridges or construct new ones ASAP.

IMO, the major work to save a M should be started and carried (especially early after dday) by a WS....the BS has the final say on whether to accept those efforts if they are forthcoming.

Too many threads on this site and others feature a BS desperately doing most of the work to bring their WS back....doing the stupid, humiliating, and useless 'pick me' dance.

Fuck that shit.

And SpaceGhost,

Keep walking your path my friend.

You are confident and sure it is the right one for you.

I do not understand why so many people, who do not know you personally, seem to think they know what is best for you and keep bringing up R.

I took the same path as you with my LTgf...and I have never regretted being true to my own pride and self-worth.

To hell with cheaters...they deserve to lose it all.

You're handling this in a very admirable way! Best wishes!

Chalk me up as another one who thinks you are really handling this well. Hardly any of us had it together so early in our mess as you do. The only problem I see is that you have "golf" and "relax" in the same sentence. Lol. I don't play anymore, but when I did it drove me nuts. I hope you have a great time, and please keep us informed if you can.

Stay strong, enjoy your golf and give your head and heart a break from this turmoil.

Just wanted to add a few things. You will find more people that had pointblank deal breakers in the Divorce Forum.

Next it was unclear if you were going to tell OM and then wait a few days before telling the OBS.

My advice would be to tell them close to the same time or to tell the OBS first. The reason is that you are giving OM to much time to get his story straight or prepare for Divorce with an unknown OBS. Often, the OM tells the OBS that A crazy man (insert your name) is going around telling lies about him and that if he calls OBS just hang up or ignore or get a restraining order.... if you wait to tell her you may never get to tell her.

You are doing great.

Agree with all the others. Another suggestion is to put the VAR back in the car. The best/valuable info you can get on a VAR is usually after confrontation, in this case, after being served!!!

Absolutely agree with putting back the VAR and any other ones in the house. This is not for her or about any reconciliation.

Keep it and if ever you want to listen it's there, it might give you some better answers to some of the questions you say still bother you, or some new ones you will undoubtedly have in the future.

Also, I would make sure his wife has your complete cooperation, including any proof she may want. Imagine if the roles were reversed, you would want her to tell you first, before the betrayers. She is a victim like you, and probably not aware of how her life will now change (they did hide their tracks well, so I doubt she knows).

I understand your love of golf, enjoy the outdoors and we all hope it gives you some relief from all this.

[This message edited by chapmtl at 7:40 AM, February 6th (Friday)]

I think the strongest move for a BS, even if they eventually want R, is to expose, file, and burn every bridge down.

Too many threads on this site and others feature a BS desperately doing most of the work to bring their WS back....doing the stupid, humiliating, and useless 'pick me' dance.

Fuck that shit.

Very late to this thread so just a quick 2 cents, I so agree with the above, it may sound harsh to some but the WS has already started the fire to burn the house down, until there is complete, open, full compassion thru the WS who is finally forced to see what they have done you just cannot put the genie back in the bottle. To top it off SG has said repeatedly that an A was a deal breaker for him, how about we all take him at his word, believe that he means it and that there is NOTHING wrong with that.

If down the road, and IF SG is in a space to even hear his WS, there might "possibly" be a way to start over. But right now if he decides this was the ultimate deal breaker then so be it.

I would however not worry about the OM, leave him alone for now, I feel it is a waste of your emotional energy, you can come back to that piece of shit another time. I would however have a letter sent to the OMBS at the same time your wife is getting served, or right before, and watch it all implode. Your kids also will be a hard conversation for sure, but honesty isn't always wrapped in fairy land, it will hurt, but done with compassion they will hopefully come to a day of healing on their own.

It is so sad that we hear these stories all the time. For attention and ego kibbles the WS never knows or understands that they are impoding their whole world and the loved ones around them. It makes me cry, truly.

I think the strongest move for a BS, even if they eventually want R, is to expose, file, and burn every bridge down.

I think what SG is doing is perfect if you want to D.

I also think it is perfect if you want to R. That's the message I hope people who want to R take away from this.

There is a "going too far" in burning the bridges. Google on "revenge porn" if you doubt me. SG isn't doing that. He's playing it just right.

Strength, my friend...for your entire family.

I wish you well my friend. Go free your mind of this mess for a while. Enjoy yourself for a few days you deserve it.

I hope you can relax a little on your trip SG. Please know her cheating has nothing to do with you, your marriage, the OM, or his money. One of our friend's is a multi-millionaire and his wife cheated on him with a homseless guy she met at a fast foosd restaurant that she used to stop in on her way to her "hobby" job....true story. He ended up divorced from her too. She wouldn't stop seeing the guy. So just don't internalize what she did...it has nothing to do with you, it is all on her and her issues.

Enjoy golfing this weekend and know that better things are on the horizon for you.

I wish you well also SpaceGhost.

as others have already said:

you might want to keep the VAR(s) in place you just might get some answers that many BS want/need in these situations.

It is very important that you tell OM's wife before he knows you know. this will save her from a lot of gas lighting and some TT and him trying to do damage control and making up stories about you.

I would give yourself at least 12 to 24 hours before you answer your WW calls/texts after she is served. This will give you time to decompress and your WW time to calm down and probably be more coherent.

I am a pro R guy but I believe you are doing the right thing, with either R or D this maybe the best approach.

[This message edited by convert at 10:00 AM, February 6th (Friday)]

SG

I think one of the biggest issues many betrayed spouses have when they discover infidelity is setting a course. I guess that 80-90% of our time here on SI goes into getting BS to stop flapping around and helping them to find a course to go.

To me infidelity is best compared to any other major crisis you might encounter. They demand we act to end the crisis and limit the damage. This won’t be done without action on our part. Pulling the blanket over your head when your house catches fire has never saved anyone…

In officer training people are trained to evaluate the situation, decide on a course and then implement. If – for example – a squad-leader comes upon a clearing he evaluates what’s ahead, listens to his scouts, evaluates known intel on enemy locations and then decides to cross the clearing. If he receives enemy fire mid-way he reevaluates and decides his next course of action. It might be to carry on, dig in or retreat.

Basically the only WRONG decision the officer can make is to take no action and/or not to reevaluate his actions based on updated info. Of course the training is aimed at weeding out those that constantly take the wrong decision, but first to go are those that don’t take ANY decision and second are those that can’t reevaluate and adjust.

You decided on a course early on. I applaud you for that. Granted I don’t agree with some of your decisions but you are the person in the hot-seat. You evaluated, contemplated and committed. And then you saw it through. Good for you.

What I do want to emphasize is that you are totally free to reevaluate your situation based on current intel and the situation you are facing. I don’t believe in reconciling simply to save a marriage, but neither do I think divorce is the only way out of infidelity. IF after confrontation you have doubts on your course then feel perfectly entitled to reevaluate and readjust your course. To me it sounds as if you really think your options through and as long as you do that then you are on a good path out of infidelity.

I do want to offer you one last piece of advice: I’m a firm believer in exposure and being truthful. However it always has to serve a purpose. If you are committed to divorce then stakeholders in the marriage deserve to know why. But exposing or sharing info for revenge… no… don’t go that path. Deal with this hateful situation with all the dignity you can.

Just one thing I disagree with is tell his wife first if you can.

Other than that good golfing.

Spaceghost,

I just wanted to say that - and I am not religious - but I am praying for you today....sending good thoughts out to the universe and asking for some form of comfort to wrap you up today.

Hi Space ghost,

EDITED RESONSE AS I DID NOT SEE YOUR SECOND POST!

Hope you stick around, your stance may be an inspiration to others. Enjoy your golf.

[This message edited by Taddy at 11:16 AM, February 6th (Friday)]