SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree about telling OM's wife before vacation. I agree about putting the VAR in the car and house before you go. Finally, I agree with those who say SG is doing the right thing. he is.

Keep using VAR in WW car and your house.

Expose OMW first.

Forget about the OM. He does not need to expose him. Any way once you expose the OMW and WW is served divorce papers they will both be "exposing" to the OM that you know about his affair with your WW.

Question:

when you have her served are you going to have proof with the divorce paper of her affair?

you said she ask you if you were having an affair (I know this is projection on her part) but if you do not say or she does not know why you are divorcing she may think you are in a affair yourself.

I know it may not matter since you said you were going to talk to her one time after she is served.

[This message edited by convert at 12:31 PM, February 6th (Friday)]

when you have her served are you going to have proof with the divorce paper of her affair?

Sounds like she will know why.

SG:

Like your plan, but I'd agree with the others that suggest not contacting OM. Best way for him to learn about you knowing is from his wife.

^^^ I agree

and if no body has said it, do not tell her about the VARs

if needed you can tell her about the PI but never the VARs

[This message edited by convert at 1:16 PM, February 6th (Friday)]

Space, when you get a chance, check out the web site of Wayne & Tamara Mitchell, they are marriage an relationship councilors. Click on the topic Cheating 101. It will give you strength an justification( not that YOU need it) in what you are doing.

It had nothing to do with your marriage.

It had nothing to do with your family.

It had nothing to do with you.

It had nothing to do with anything lacking except the morality, honesty, trustworthiness, and strength of will that your wife is lacking.

What you are doing is right.

You are standing strong by your values.

Your children NEED to see their father being strong in his values so that THEY can be strong themselves if and when the time comes.

I did the same as you.

I filed and didn't even tell her.

I didn't even have her served.

I just began the divorce process and let her find out whenever she would find out.

I have the satisfaction of knowing that I was always honest with her and always honest with myself.

She broke every vow she ever made.

I kept them all.

Dyokemm,

I think the strongest move for a BS, even if they eventually want R, is to expose, file, and burn every bridge down.

And if a WS really desperately wants to save their M, they better start doing some fast and furious work to rebuild those bridges or construct new ones ASAP.

IMO, the major work to save a M should be started and carried (especially early after dday) by a WS....the BS has the final say on whether to accept those efforts if they are forthcoming.

Too many threads on this site and others feature a BS desperately doing most of the work to bring their WS back....doing the stupid, humiliating, and useless 'pick me' dance.

Fuck that shit.

Well said. I couldn't agree more.

SpaceGhost, it will be up to your wife to rebuild what she has destroyed.

I strongly advise:

Do not contact the OM - at all.

Do contact and expose this to the OM wife.

Do not tell her about the VAR.

Do not tell her about the PI.

Do not tip your hand in any way, shape, or form.

You may find that her demeanor towards you will change after she is bombarded by the cold, hard consequences of her very actions.

Her deep guilt may turn to anger and a desperate need to demonize you.

Families and friends galvanize on different sides.

Blame is thrown, excuses are made, and innocent people are demonized.

It happens ALL the time.

Divorce becomes a war - especially as a result of adultery.

Be extremely careful regarding the VAR once you have filed.

Keep in mind that filing is the equivalent of firing someone; it changes the dynamics of your relationship with your then to be soon ex wife. Legally you change from being one entity (financially and socially) into two parties suing each other. No more Mr. and Mrs. Kramer but now Kramer versus Kramer…

So once you file and your soon-to-be ex-wife does the sensible thing and gets her own attorney to guarantee her interests then discovering a VAR can cause a boatload of problems for you. It can legally impact your situation in a negative way.

VAR? What VAR?!?!?!?

Well I read through more posts and thought I would update my situation. I want to thank all of you since it is my only outlet since I was served this crap sandwich.

Not everything happened like I wanted but she was served on Friday. I did not contact her boss and I have not contacted his wife yet. I will but I just had to much to do and they are not my number one concern right now.

I left my wife a letter telling her I know about the affair. I also told her for closure I would appreciate it if she would explain to me in detail the who, why, where, and how and really all of the details of her affair. I left it at that since I really would like those details.

She was served and I was on a flight to Florida and when I got there I turned on my phone. She had filled up my voicemail and sent over 50 texts. I listened to them and they made me sad. She was crying very hard. She begged me to call her and she was very sad. So I decided to call her and talk to her.

She asked me to come home so we could discuss this. Told me I am her world things like that. I told her I had suffered for a over a month and I needed a break from it. She wanted to fly down here to save our marriage but I told her no. Told her I am golfing for a week and will be back in around 10 days. I also asked her to email the details on her affair and that set her off. I told her I really just want to relax and not think of this.

I got to the golf course and hitting practice balls I was shaking. The stress I had been under was causing me to shake. It took about a day but now I am feeling better. Golf is the only thing that can relax me and it is working. I am at a resort by myself and it just shows you how easy it is to cheat. I went to a bar at the resort and 3 drunk women came up to my table and started talking to me. They said I looked like an actor and asked if I was him? I laughed and they sat with me for a bit. They asked if I wanted to go party with them in their room. I told them I don't think their husbands would like that. They said they aren't here! I politely said I had some plans so I could not do that. Here I was trying to get away with thinking about that and it pops up in a strange way.

I am going to take a week off and just enjoy my golf and think about what I want to do. I am thinking of moving away from where I live to a place where I can golf year round. I feel so emasculated I picture everyone knowing about my wife cheating on me and thinking I must really be a lame husband. Could not satisfy his wife so she had to find someone else who could. Now I know that is not how it works but that is how I feel.

In the call I told my wife I had to end the marriage for me. I also told her that since I knew she was sleeping with another guy I had to end it for her. It would give her the chance to be with a man she wanted and not be stuck with me. This would allow her to have what she wants. I then told her I want to find someone who respects me and wants only me. She was crying so hard I then told her I had to go and I would talk to her in a week to 10 days.

I am sad but at least I no longer feel like I have to suffer in silence. A great weight has been lifted off of me.

I may not be on here for another week it depends on how I am feeling. This stuff just makes me feel sad. So I am not answering any of her calls and I am enjoying life right now.

Enjoy your golf, SpaceGhost.

Oh, I can so relate to the embarrassing feeling of thinking I'm a bad spouse because my WH cheated. It hurts.

Also, be prepared if she does write you the details for it to be the worst pain you ever endured. My WH finally wrote his a couple of days ago (he avoided it for over two months). It was worse that D-Day for me. It will knock the breath out of you.

Have fun on your golf trip. I admire you for the strength and courage you have shown through all of this. I wish I had had half of your strength when I made the discovery.

Space Ghost

Like House Of Plane said. ENJOY YOUR GOLF VACATION!!!!

She asked me to come home so we could discuss this. Told me I am her world things like that.

You were her world. Right. Not hardly! You gave her three or four chances to discuss it and be honest. She turned them all down and only when she realized you really were suspicious did she think it was not FUN anymore. If you had not gotten lucky with the phone telling you she was out of town, then stumbled on her hanging lingerie, AND had the brains and courage to hire a PI, she had absolutely no intention of you being her world. She would still be banging her OM whenever you left town. I could explode for you when I hear those kind of statements from her.

[quote] I feel so emasculated I picture everyone knowing about my wife cheating on me and thinking I must really be a lame husband. Could not satisfy his wife so she had to find someone else who could. Now I know that is not how it works but that is how I feel.

Get that out of your head!!!. You are the furthest from emasculated that anyone could be.

Emasculated would be if you sucked it up, and endured the pain no matter what she did to you.

You maintained your dignity and pride and have taken the steps to make yourself whole again.

Just look at the over 200 posts that your thread has generated. I do not think there is a BH that has replied that does not wish they did everything you did to not be emasculated.

I then told her I want to find someone who respects me and wants only me

THERE IS NO DOUBT IN MY MIND YOU WILL FIND EXACTLY THAT!!!

I am sure you will get to it, but I believe most of us hope you have the opportunity when the time is right to make sure her OM has a little grief of his own when his wife finds out. And if you are friendly with the husband of her cheerleader friend, I'd tell him what his wife contributed to. He might need to wake up himself.

Take care Space Ghost. A lot of people have been inspired by your action to a shitty situation.

Spaceghost, enjoy your solitude, enjoy golfing and clear your head.

All my best to you.

Thanks for the update, I'm glad you're doing relatively well. Play as much golf as possible, you deserve and need as much rest and relaxation as possible!

How did the kids react?

Best wishes

What a huge burden lifted.

I remember like it was yesterday, thinking and feeling everyone was looking at me knowing.

It would give her the chance to be with a man she wanted and not be stuck with me.

That is most likely not correct. Amazing how so many affairs do not have much to do with the WW wanting to be with the OM. This is one of the hardest things to understand, because it is in their heads, whatever the hell they wanted.

The affairs where the WW gives the I love you not in love with you speech are the affairs where the WW wanted to be with the OM.

I agree the OM and his wife are not your priority, but I do think it is important the OM wife find out very soon, from you.

It is a good thought to think at this time, the OM is in a complete panic, his world has completely changed from fun to constant worry now.

I envy you having a hobby like golf that can get your mind off of it. With my various hobbies, they would take my mind off of it for a minute but then bam, my mind was right back to the affair crap.

double post

[This message edited by craig2001 at 10:59 AM, February 8th (Sunday)]

Hi Ghost,

There was nothing you could do to ever prevent this from happening. Even if your dick were bigger it would've happened anyways - sorry for my french. But there's nothing you can do to stop feeling like a failure at marriage. The SpaceGhost team lost at marriage and maybe that's better than an half-win(reconcile) for you both. And this has been happening since the beginning of mankind before birth control and std prevention methods. I'm glad you've found a non destructive behavior - golf - in order to heal. Maybe you can no longer be the best husband your stxw could have but maybe you can still be her best friend by going through with your divorce. Everybody is aloud to make mistakes, but no one should be forced to live with mistakes others have made. I wish you and your family all the best. This too shall pass.

SG

I do suggest you stay off of here. Relax.

Enjoy the sport and try not to think of anything else.

Gather your strength both mentally and physically.

Her affair has very little to do with you.

That you will hear over and over.

But it is true.

A persons selfishness renders all good judgement a person has null & void.

You will see that very soon.

Rest up.

You are gonna need it.

HM