SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Yes, it's the worst I've gone through. Lost parents, almost lost kids. Infidelity is worse in my view.

So sorry you're going through this. It sucks.

And WW is in a mood

Oh dear, what's going to happen if you serve her?

I'm sure she'll calm down, I guess she'd better if she wants a marriage.

I'll say it again, couples in worse situations than yours have reconciled. She said she'll do anything, well that's encouraging I think. Ball's in her court isn't it, actions are what counts, words from a cheater mean next to nothing.

Enjoy your time with your son.

Well, she is 100% remorseful. Taking full responsibility for her actions and said she is prepared for any consequences of her actions, including D if I want to. She will do anything to reconcile, including a poly and reconciliation agreement.

So her is her truth:

The OM (who I lovingly refer to as dickhead) reached out to her first in February. He is an ex who is the only boyfriend who has ever dumped my wife. They started texting, it got out of hand, and before you know it, it was an everyday thing.

In October when my WW went to his town, they had planned to meet in a public place for a drink and to catch up. Now she freely admits that she was interested to know if there was still a spark there, and she admits that she didn't know what would have happened if there was. But she said she feels she would never have crossed that line. Anyway, OM bailed on her. Said he didn't want to cross that line so he ghosted her. For those keeping track, that's 2 times he has jilted her. So she was disappointed and they argued a little via text. But it soon went back to the way it was. Now he did tell her if it ever got out that they were texting, he was done. That would have been a red flag for me, but WW didn't think about it. So when I found out, she told him and he said "im done" and blocked her everywhere. So, now we are at 3 times OM jilted my wife.

So that's the story. I am certain they didn't meet, but not certain she wouldn't have crossed the line if they did. She has been open, honest (I think), and tells me all the time how stupid she was, how sorry she is for everything she did, how she loves me, etc.

So I am closer to R. But I am still adamant about a reconciliation agreement that protects me from paying alimony. She is on board to sign it, and take a poly. So that's where I'm at right now.

[This message edited by RoverGuy at 3:41 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

Now she freely admits that she was interested to know if there was still a spark there, and she admits that she didn't know what would have happened if there was. But she said she feels she would never have crossed that line. Anyway, OM bailed on her. Said he didn't want to cross that line so he ghosted her.

She was already cheating, based on what you posted I think the main reason she "didn't cross that line" was because of OM, had OM not rejected her and pushed her to it, she would have likely caved in.

I am certain they didn't meet, but not certain she wouldn't have crossed the line if they did. She has been open, honest (I think), and tells me all the time how stupid she was, how sorry she is for everything she did, how she loves me, etc.

Again, based on her reaction after Dday and the "fact" that it was OM that rejected her several times and that she wanted to find that "spark", I think it's likely she would have crossed it (if she didn't already, remember cheaters lie). I would not take anything from her at face value, insist on the poly, sometimes they first agree to it and later change their minds.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:18 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

But I am still adamant about a reconciliation agreement that protects me from paying alimony. She is on board to sign it, and take a poly.

Those type of agreements could be challenged, nothing will protect you like D now, I would finalize the D process first and watch her actions in the meantime, once the ink is dry, MAYBE then and ONLY then would I entertain any R possibility, but certainly without marriage.

Has she said anything new about the content of the texts? Did they talk about their marriages? Did they talk about you? What was said? Where the pictures sexy?

If he was so worried about being discovered there must be a partner he wanted to hide it from. Do you know who that is? Someone else besides the divorced wife you found I assume.

I feel like she was staring at an exit affair. Didn't she tell you that you were never compatible with her and it was only a matter of time? She clearly hinted at this affair being an exit one. Only after she got dumped by him that reality hit her hard. All this behavioral change on her side seems to be largely influenced by AP's act of ending their relation. If she really thinks you both were incompatible then you both should focus on that if you choose to reconcile.

I feel like your situation and mine are quite similar in that we don't really know whether we can trust our spouses enough to reconcile.

Unfortunately mine differs a little in yours in that my husband did actually cheat with his assistant at work.

He was obsessing over her at work for several years and then it turned to flirting and then finally they had a fantasy type love affair for several months with sexual activity until I discovered it.

He claims it's completely broken off with her but they still work for the same company so there's a chance that they might have interaction from time to time over the phone or perhaps even in person.

He swears he has no feelings for her and that he is fully committed to our marriage but I have lost all trust in him.

He did allow me to read all of their thousands of text messages which made me sick to my stomach. And I do feel like he has given me the full truth of their meet ups which thankfully were only a few times in person.

But even knowing the truth doesn't pave a path for me to forget or forgive what he did.

It sounds like our marriages were quite similar. Very busy with work and our child and separate activities. But I still thought we had a fantastic marriage and more importantly that he was my best friend for all these years. It was heartbreaking to find out that my best friend could do something like that to me.

Right now we are living together still and trying to make it work. I think what I may have done is forgiving him too quickly and so things are on the surface pretty good but the pain I feel inside is tremendous. He, like your wife is very tough on the outside so doesn't really want to discuss the affair anymore.

I know many on here might be encouraging you towards divorce but from someone sort of stuck in the same kind of limbo as you I also understand your reluctance to fully commit to that path. There are definitely valid reasons why we both should divorce our spouses and start new lives.

But if I'm being brutally honest I don't WANT to. I love my husband more than anything. Always have. I'm very angry at what he did and I'm incredibly hurt in a way that I don't know will ever heal, but I still want to grow old with him.

Maybe that makes me an idiot but it's the honest truth of how I feel.

Will he cheat again? maybe...but maybe not. I think it's possible with the right amount of therapy and discussion and boundaries that it's possible we could repair our relationship and build a new marriage.

Anyway I just wanted you to know that there's someone else in a similar mindset as you who realizes logically that divorcing someone who wronged you might seem like the right thing to do but when your heart is as deeply invested as mine is it's not that simple.

And like you, there is a child to think of. I have a young daughter to consider who adores her father and our divorce would just devastate her. If we can make it work then she never needs to know about this and continue to grow up in the happy home she has always known. We have done great work to make sure that she has no idea that this is going on. I have had some health issues recently so my tiredness, feeling "ill" etc was somewhat easy to blame when she noticed I was off.

I wish you the very best as you try to sort through this awful situation. Remember that you're not the only one who has gone through this. I find some comfort in knowing that there are people on here who know exactly what it feels like to be in the situation. And I also take comfort in knowing that no matter what happens we will all be OK. Someday anyway.

Take care :)

To me this paints her original reluctance to put the work in for the marriage that much worse.

What I’m seeing is she was into a guy, he jilted her repeatedly and even after discovery she was protecting the entire concept of whether he was into her more than your marriage. Protecting her ego assuming you’d just roll over and eat this shit sandwich.

This just feels like it boils down to her ego and her priorities. She chased this guy, with or without sexual messages, and wanted to prove a point about "the ones that got away" at the risk of your marriage. When discovered she still defended that sore spot.

This whole thing reminds me of MrFibbles and his wife. In my mind the issue here (assuming she isn’t lying) isn’t about what she physically did but the psychology that let her do it. I was drunk, I was horny… I thought I could get away with it… they’re all one thing. This level of selfish is another.

I'm glad for you, where ever it is that you are finding your footing on this.

Some piece of mind is better than what you had before. Honestly though, no one ever says "Yes I would have crossed that line" so a "No I wouldnt cross that line" is standard fare. And if you are wise, and do the poly, a question along those lines will help kill any lingering thoughts about that.

Lets hope her remorse is genuine, and you two can move forward together. She certainly needs to work on her real "why's" though.

You're still doing really well on this. Keep the faith!

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 7:54 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

Something is telling me she is not revealing all there is to it.

In October when my WW went to his town, they had planned to meet in a public place for a drink and to catch up.

After all those months talking the amount of time they were doing it, they were only planning on getting together to chit, chat about how they were? Hum.. Nope. Smells fishy, fishy.

Also, to the point of her saying you two are not compatible and the way she defended her position even after you finding out - something tells me she lacks the love she needs for you so the marriage works out. I hope I'm wrong.

As someone said above, in my mind, she was seeing the affair as an exit affair. Maybe the OM decided to put the brakes on the affair and you finding out and standing your ground put her against the ropes. And she is now protecting the confort she had.

Take care of yourself. And always stay doutful. Go ahead with the poly. Not only talk about it but DO IT. Confirm in it what she has told you.

If anything fishy would pop up in it I would continue with D. If - and that is a big IF - she decides to put herself together through actions you aknowledge as valid I would maybe date her again in the future.

Stay strong, be cleaver and don't let her manipulate you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:06 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

Now he did tell her if it ever got out that they were texting, he was done...

Your wife should tell his wife, they should be Consequences for everyone involved, so that he won’t get any ideas to contact her again and she should tell the OBS if she is serious with reconciliation.

and yes if they had meat an affair would have started.
But what did she do then alone those days?

You can’t say for sure you have remorse yet, Rover, in the sense that she is genuinely feeling heartbroken over the pain she’s caused you.

At the moment, her concern is saving her own skin. She does not want to be a middle-aged divorcee who has to scrimp and save instead of splurging her hobby job money on anti-aging treatments.

Unlike others, I don’t think this was an exit affair. I think her dissatisfaction with you and the marriage was invented after Dday to justify her infidelity. She thought that she would be able to carry on her long distance romance with maybe the occasional annual passionate weekend and continue her life as normal with you, her chump husband.

She did not go away for three days without you so she could meet with him for drinks in a public place. If he showed up— which again, I’m not entirely convinced that he did not— and sparks flew between them, they would’ve hooked up. You know this to be true based on the reckless and impulsive behavior you’ve observed from her throughout your marriage.

Have you got a full account of those days yet? What has she said about recovering her messaging history with him?

OM cannot be trusted as far as you can throw him. They had time to get their stories straight in advance of your call, which he no doubt expected, and he doesn’t want to jeopardize his own marriage.

As for the polygraph, I suspect that if your wife passes, she will initially be happier than a pig in shit, convinced that she’s done all she needs to do.

But the polygraph should be only the BEGINNING; the bare minimum of what you will accept to even CONSIDER reconciliation. The measure of her remorse become apparent by how willing she is and how well she does the work from that point on.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:45 PM, Saturday, November 26th]

You should still immediately do the poly, especially given the fact that right now WW is willing to do it. She may be telling the truth or maybe not.

There are a few reasons to do the poly. First, you will get the truth. Second, you will find out if she’s ever had an A in the past (this is a must ask question). Third, at some point down the line WW will very likely do or say something that casts doubt about the current situation, or whether she cheated at any point during the M. Or, she may not do or say anything, but you strongly doubt her. Good look trying to get the poly done at that point.

Not sure why you are fighting the logic of getting the poly done?

Well, she is 100% remorseful.

Way WAY too early to make this assessment. Especially considering she knows at this point she is owed no alimony. The chances that she went from hostile to "100% remorseful" are basically zero. She agreed to a poly - what actions has she taken to make that happen? Don't ask, watch.

Also, if she is 100% remorseful, continue with your plans to D to ensure she isn't entitled to alimony. Her reaction to these real life consequences of her actions and the real life steps you need to take to protect yourself mean a lot more than her saying sorry. There is no reason you cannot stop the process at any point and no reason why the relationship cannot continue, even after D. You'll just know you're financially safe and the relationship can build from zero again.

Not sure why you are fighting the logic of getting the poly done?

Not sure where you got that from, but I am scheduling a poly. Right now she is happy to take it as she states that she has told me everything.

So what q's should I have asked of her?

So I texted the OM's wife tonight. She didn't know. She does now. My WW is pissed I did that. I also asked my WW if I could see her phone. She gave it to me and gave me her code and the first app I see is whatsapp. She also wouldn't let me see her phone unless she was there with me.

So I immediately asked her to move out. That I was done.

[This message edited by RoverGuy at 4:55 AM, Sunday, November 27th]

You gave her the many opportunities to be honest. Her reluctance to let you delve into her phone in private speaks to her true intentions.

Did you tell her about informing the Om's wife or do you believe they used WhatsApp to communicate this latest information?

I do believe your decision to end it after this was warranted. I’m really sorry about this new revelation and I’m sure you are feeling angry and hurt in equal measure.

Did you tell her you reached out to OMW, or did the OM? Sorry if I didn't understand that clearly.