SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm not sure I agree with posters above: the way you act now is pretty much decisive for the future outcome of your marriage. And you are already staying with her. Factually, you are already in reconciliation – call it a word or not. And she is looking at your threats and says those famous words: "I can't believe what you say, because I see what you do."

PS: If you think you need time to decide R or D, it is still up to you how to spend this time – with her being around, or with her being away.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 5:47 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

FYI...Not divorcing does NOT equal reconciliation.

I know, I lived like that for a very long time and it sucks, but I didn't understand the difference then, now I do.

Taking some time to begin the healing process, IC, etc, and determine the desired long-term course of action is just fine, but it does NOT attach any commitment to stay in the M.

Be sure to communicate this to your WW too.

Surprised, your posts resonate with me very deeply. I was in the very same position you have found yourself in. Now, I'm so grateful that WW did not then abort our now 8 year old daughter who is so loving and lovable.

I didn't divorce WW because I didn't want pos OM anywhere near my other two kids who are now 11 and 13. To echo what OrdinaryDude said, not divorcing is not the same as reconciling. We have been in long-term limbo which is slowly killing me. Other than keeping my kids away from OM, the past 8 years have been wasted, and I don't want to throw away any more years. I'm now getting ready to finally pull the trigger and throw in the towel. My advice is either D or R, but don't do the limbo thing. The problem with R under these circumstances for me is that I can't forgive or forget what WW did.

Sorry, I think I'm projecting.

[This message edited by DeWittle at 9:51 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

I read others posts on here and how their spouses who cheat blame them, treat them like shit. And then I look at my wife. Sure she may be lying but ever since she told me she was pregnant she has been nice, loving. The wife I remember before all this shit hit the fan. I feel so sad yet so mad. I feel so inadequate. I work hard to give her and our girls a great life. I work out and keep in good shape, and make sure to look my best in order to keep myself looking my best. I just don't know what the other man had that I didn't. He was balding, unfit, and not to sound vain but really unattractive. It's a slap in the face that she cheated on me with that. I know they say that the affair down, but it still doesn't make me feel any better.

I look at my wife and she is pretty and very attractive. I can understand why he was attracted to her. She is funny and bold. I used to think she was honest but I guess that just isn't true anymore.

Tonight she again said she was sorry for hurting me. She was sorry for blowing up our daughter's lives with her betrayal. She took older daughter to her therapy appointment since I couldn't take time off work as I was already far behind in my paperwork. She told me that she had a meltdown on the way home and told her that she hated everyone. That if we loved her we would stay together forever. She knows something is going on but not what. I wish I could tell her that everything will be okay but I can't.

I made an evening appointment with a polygrapher, half an hour away for tomorrow. Four hundred dollars and I'm allowed 4 questions. I never thought it be so expensive. The only other one in my area is two fifty but booked up for the next three weeks. I cant' wait that long. My wife doesn't know that I booked it. I just told her that tomorrow when I'm done work we were going to go for a drive and talk after dropping the kids off at my sister's place. I don't even know where to begin with that.

Surprised

Welcome to what is known as affairing down. The A is rarely about the BS or the AP. It's about an emotional or psychological hole in your WS. The affair is to paper over that hole temporarily as opposed to doing the hard work of facing their issues.

Good luck with the Poly. Brace yourself and stay calm at all points during the process. Be prepared for her to balk and refuse. While I understand your need to spring this on her, I think it is unfair and not helpful to blind-side her. A heads up is likely a better course of action. How she responds will give you more insight than the actual Poly.

Wishing you Peace

isitme24

Do you know the four questions that you want answers to?

Generally they must be yes or no answers...hopefully the polygraph administrator has given you some guidelines?

Also, do NOT feel bad or guilty in any way for engaging a poly, though I agree a heads-up is a fair thing to do...you may get a "parking lot" confession before you walk inside.

As well as we are doing in R, I still want one eventually and have made this known to my fWW...she is OK with it.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 11:01 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

I want to know if she at any time had any intentions of leaving me for the other man?

I want to know if she had any other physical contact with any other man while in a relationship with me?

I want to know if she is telling me the full truth regarding her affair with the other man?

And lastly, I want to know and not sure how to word this but I want to know if I'm her plan A and if she wants to save our marriage because she loves me and not because of convenience.

Anyone have any other suggestions? What would you ask if you were me? The polygrapher said it was best to come to the appointment with some general idea of what I wanted to ask.

This polygrapher has been doing this for forty years and has a nursing degree. He told me that because my wife is pregnant, there is a small chance for results to be off a bit. But he had done this long enough and that a lie in most cases will be obvious and has only had to turn down one pregnant woman in his career for failing on the control questions.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:11 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

I think you should research the kinds of questions that others have used around here, they need to be yes or no and it might be good to ask a couple broad questions and a couple specific questions.

For example:

1. Have you had sexual contact with anyone other than husband during your marriage?

2. Is the timeline that you wrote truthful and complete?

3. Did you have intercourse on the first date with OM?

4. Were you planning to leave your marriage to go with OM?

Other members will better questions but this is a start...the examiner can also suggest questions as they have seen it all.

EDIT: Y'all already said what I suggested...I also am not sure of the surprise aspect. Have you talked about her taking a poly? Did she agree? You might get the famous parking lot confession.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:09 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

And lastly, I want to know and not sure how to word this but I want to know if I'm her plan A and if she wants to save our marriage because she loves me and not because of convenience.

Do you wish to remain married because you love your husband and are committed to your marriage?

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 11:18 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

1. Have you had sexual contact with anyone other than husband during your marriage?

2. Is the timeline that you wrote truthful and complete?

3. Did you have intercourse on the first date with OM?

4. Were you planning to leave your marriage to go with OM?

These are very clear, but I'd probably say during our relationship as we had only been married 2 years and together since 2003 with a few short term breaks.

But also couldn't number 3 be answered with number 2?

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:18 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

I think I'll just go with these.

1. Have you had sexual contact with anyone other than husband that he doesn't know about during your entire relationship?

2. Is the timeline that you wrote truthful and complete?

3. Were you planning to leave your marriage to go with OM?

4. Do you wish to remain married because you love your husband and are committed to your marriage?

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 11:28 PM, April 18th (Tuesday)]

What are you prepared to do if she fails any of the questions?

What are you prepared to do if she gives a parking lot confession after promising you there was nothing more?

What are you prepared to do if she fails any of the questions?

What are you prepared to do if she gives a parking lot confession after promising you there was nothing more?

I am going to have to call it quits. It is complicated her being pregnant and all. I'll likely seek the one lawyer I liked for advice on what to do regarding a pregnant wife. I just hope it doesn't come to that. I don't want to have to tell my 7 and 3 year old daughter that her parents are breaking up.

[This message edited by Surprised87 at 12:31 AM, April 19th (Wednesday)]

I think those are good questions ,maybe the examiner can fine tune them for clear yes or no answers.

I think that you have gone above and beyond most would in order to repair the shit storm that your W has caused. I hope that she looks at the poly as a chance to clear herself not as a weapon against her.

Maybe let her know 2 hours ahead of time that she is going to get a poly and if she needs to "revise for clarity" her timeline this is the last time to do it. If she refuses to go or says it's not fair blah, blah, blah that is an answer too.

Let her know that your marriage will end if she lies...it is that simple. You can't rebuild your M on a bunch of her lies.

Hang in there brother...

#3 is too Grey. Her timeline said he brought up being together. The best kind of answers for a poly are yes/no

'You said he brought up being together, did you ever bring it up?'

That would cover he 1.lying / minimizing in the timeline and 2. If they were both bringing it up then it's a reasonable assumption that it was seriously being tossed around.

Alsonre-reading #4 is very interpretative. I would ask her why she went to her boyfriend before you with regards to the pregnancy.

Before the test (and telling her about the test)

'You said you were going to get an abortion if it was his. Then why did you approach him about it?'

If she gives the same answer then

'Did you ever discuss anything in regards to your pregnancy with him besides funding for a DNA test?'

There is something there that is the key to all of this and these questions may not be the ones to ask but this is the area where the real truth lies. If he was pushing for a future with her, was supposedly acting unpredictably and she was the one pulling back it just doesn't make sense that she went to him about it first. Even the obvious cheater half-truths in her timeline can be rationalized with minimization. There is something intrinsically off about her entire course of action here.

Before the test (and telling her about the test)

'You said you were going to get an abortion if it was his. Then why did you approach him about it?'

If she gives the same answer then

'Did you ever discuss anything in regards to your pregnancy with him besides funding for a DNA test?'

I had asked her this and she gave me the same answer. Doesn't make much sense but it is what she swears too.

I took everyone advice and changed a few of the questions. Too bad I only get four but I think this covers most of it.

1. Have you had sexual contact with anyone other than husband that he doesn't know about during your entire relationship?

2. Is the timeline that you wrote truthful and complete?

3. Did you ever discuss anything in regards to your pregnancy with him besides funding for a DNA test?

4. Do you wish to remain married because you love your husband and are committed to your marriage?

I also think that "relationship" is a bit open to interpretation. As you've said yourself you've had a few breaks before marriage so do these time periods count? What about rephrasing to "Have you had any sexual contact with another person that your husband does not know about?". A good administrator will help you formulate the questions to get the best results. Good luck.

Former cop and we used polys quite a bit back in the days. A polygraph is only as good as it’s operator and honestly if those questions you post were approved by your poly-operator then I have serious doubts…

1. Have you had sexual contact with anyone other than husband that he doesn't know about during your entire relationship?

The “he doesn’t know about” is not a good idea. She doesn’t know what you know and this could either enable her to pass or create a false result. Plus, the term “sexual contact” needs to be very clearly defined. We have a recent poster here on SI whose wife though BJ’s were OK since they weren’t “real sex” (and it seemed like he was sort of agreeing to that…).

This question would possibly be more effective as:

Other than OM (use his name) have you had sex (and previously sex has been defined clearly) with another man in the last XX years (XX being the length of your relationship).

She could pass question 2 because the timeline is truthful and complete, but it might still be missing a lot of issues. She doesn’t clearly know what issues are important to you and might be omitting a key issue that she places little importance to.

Question 3 is too emotionally based. She might have “planned” leaving you or had thoughts. It’s a bit like if I asked you if you had ever dreamt of winning the sweepstakes and then accuse you of being a spendthrift.

Question 4 is too emotional. Polygraphs are great for facts but terrible for emotions. Remember that day you two got married? She made a commitment then didn’t she? How did that work out? So why do you think some thought she had some months ago are more binding to her?

Surprised – I think poly’s are great but I also think they must be used tactically. I think you are too early into your process for an effective poly…

To-date you have been using a threat-act sort of approach: If child is OM I am out of here. If this timeline isn’t complete I am out of here. If you don’t pass poly I am out of here…

There is nothing as ineffective as having to tell her “If you don’t pass this NEXT test then I am out of here… and NOW I mean it!”

Stop using ultimatums. You can’t threaten her into a marriage nor can you stay in a marriage because she passed some test. You stay in a marriage if you WANT to stay in a marriage. It’s not a reward for her nor a chore for you.

IMHO your best bet would be to accept that your wife is probably like 99% of all the WS we encounter here on SI. She tries to minimize, tries to hide and tries to get this over with as fast as possible. Based on what you share then I think she’s doing great. She’s making good progress towards getting to a stage where your marriage could be saved… BUT she’s not there yet!

I think you both need to reach a place where you both realize the ultimate importance of the truth. That means she realizes she must be totally 100% truthful (and many have pointed to issues with her timeline). She needs to clear those issues and answer your questions. At the same time, you might need to accept that the truth will take some time… I would venture that if you got the truth out of her in 2 weeks you would be in a good place.

One major thing regarding the truth is that she has to be able to hurt you… If she had thoughts of leaving you for OM, then she must be able to say that and you must be able to listen to it. Once she thinks telling you the truth will instantly make you leave… she has a compelling reason to lie.

Your decision on whether to divorce or reconcile needs to be based on truth. Even if that truth hurts.