SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi Mrs W.

This is my first post here, so it may be long.

After reading almost all of your BS threads and all of yours, I felt that I had to respond with a couple of statements and a couple of questions.

Questions first.

On February 14th one of the comments you made regarding your AP was that you "knew each other from around the office for just under a year before we were involved in any way".

Also, from reading your BS's thread it seems that Ms.La Di Da and at least a couple of your co workers at the time knew that he was a cheater.

So why would you think that it was okay to spend time with him if you were not looking for an affair?

I understand that you are both trying to R, and I know that your husband still has some doubts because our backgrounds are eerily similar and I find myself comparing feelings with him.

To be blunt, he still believes you to be a liar because you have not been forthcoming with information and have broken NC on multiple occasions.

PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND, THIS IS THE BS MENTALITY AT THIS POINT AND NOT MEANT TO HURT EITHER OF YOU.

Anyway, maybe if you were to volunteer for another poly for more questions I know he does not want to ask for fear of being lied to, that may help.

Also, I know he is probably thinking it but does not want to broach the subject, you should get your children's DNA tested to prove that your life before A was truly built out of love and affection for one another and can be again.

Little actions qand proofs will go a lot farther than words.

GOOD LUCK

Interesting 1st post, Lazer1.

To be blunt, he still believes you to be a liar because you have not been forthcoming with information and have broken NC on multiple occasions.

Pardon me, but I don't believe Walloped thinks his wife is a liar as they are a couple of years down the road. The break in NC has been explained. MrsW *has* been forthcoming (uh.......for years).

PLEASE TRY TO UNDERSTAND, THIS IS THE BS MENTALITY AT THIS POINT AND NOT MEANT TO HURT EITHER OF YOU.

They're long past that point.

So YAY! Join me in a toast to the Wallops!!

Okay look Mr. Walloped original thread was over two years ago. The latest post he made on it was to ask why someone was dredging up the old thread and to state that he would no longer post on that thread. This forensic examination of every word, phrase, punctuation mark that Mrs. Walloped makes is getting old. How many more questions can she answer. I believe her husband is satisfied with her answers and he is the only one who matters. Just wish them well on their rebuilding.

Sharkman,

I’m not sure why you need to be satisfied if I had any romantic inclinations toward my AP? I said I didn’t and that’s the truth. And I said before, I’ve set up people that I would never in a million years think of in any kind of romantic way. My husband is comfortable with that. So if we both are, why is it important that you’re not?

Also, how do you know that he hasn’t digested my affair? Have you spoken to him? I know it’s not the details about what happened that he’s troubled over. It’s the fact that it happened at all, which I’d be shocked if he wasn’t bothered by. I’m just surprised that you assert things as if they are fact but I’m not sure how you’d know these things.

Lazer1,

you should get your children's DNA tested

Is this some kind of sick joke? Are you serious?

it seems that Ms.La Di Da

Who’s that?

he still believes you to be a liar...

I know he does not want to ask for fear of being lied to

How do you know this? Have you asked him?

FinallyHappy and nscale56,

Thank you!

MrsWalloped, I really think you need to use the stop sign on here sometimes. I think you have caught a large ration of poop from people that are wrongly transferring their (well deserved) pain and anger onto your shoulders.

I greatly respect how Walloped has handled this very sad event in your lives and I must say that from what I have read from his posts you have also tried very hard. The truly sad part is that there is still doubt that you two can make it.

Please do not get discouraged from the treatment you have received here, this is a place of healing and so there is a LOT of pain here. I truly believe that the two of you both love each other and are trying to fix the damage. There will be ups and downs and I hope you both find peace and happiness.

Mrs W.

I am sorry that you took such great offense to my comments. I am truly happy that you and the Mr. are so far into R. I am merely trying to have you see some things from the betrayed male point of view.

Again, small actions NOT REQUESTED by your husband but undertaken by you will speak volumes more than words.

Also, some info.

Married 31 years

Married at 24(me) 20(Mrs.)

Father died when I was 19-left to support mom and younger brother

We were each our first partner

3 wonderful children ages 14 thru 23

Hit a very rough patch over last several years including me moving to a separate bedroom and every day working to keep it together.

Yes, I can understand what he is thinking because we are mirror images.

Oh jeez,

Mrs. W,

I posted here once moons ago lol, but some of these people are just ridiculous. Ignore the obvious (add the t to a roll) here.

Egging and baiting and truly disgusting.

I’m really sorry that as you opened yourself up here, maybe to learn, maybe to pay it forward (who cares why), you are subject to such venom.

For one, I’ve read your thread. You’ve have given much of yourself here, but some people want your ounce of flesh, also. Disrespect, in this forum, of this magnitude, is reprehensible.

I personally thank you for sharing. Mr Walloped, of course, also. Actually, on a member driven only site, we are all we have! But, understand there is pain, there is agenda, and there is just assholes. Know that. You don’t owe assholes a response.

[This message edited by Greeneyesbluezy at 9:50 PM, March 1st (Thursday)]

I kind of knew I’d get tough responses but I left the stop sign off on purpose because I thought I could learn from those responses. I still don’t regret that decision despite some of the posts I received. It’s okay.

And I know I shouldn’t have responded, but that comment just hit a very raw nerve. My children are my children. They’re my babies. My oldest daughter has a baby of her own and she’s still my baby. And you don’t mess with my babies. And they’re all my husband's children too. I loook at them and I see parts of him and parts of me. I see us. And I’m so proud of them and grateful for them and blessed and I don’t think I could love anyone as much as I love them. And for a long time when I thought we were through and that I had ended us, I thought that I’d at least have them and see us in them. That even if he divorced me, I’d still have part of him in my life through them. I don’t know if that makes any sense but it was a sanity anchor for me. So to suggest otherwise is just, I don’t know. It’s just awful.

I’m sorry for responding. You’d have thought I’d have learned not to by now. I guess I still have a long way to go.

That makes perfect sense.

Once you respond, you feed them. Beefed up, they continue. Deny the beef, give them nothing.

They’re not here to help you at all. So against the actual point of this particular forum.

Be well do well. Forward. Always listening and learning. And, if you share, always knowing who is a poison. Recognizing the poison will get easier when you look at the patterns.

Enjoy the day, Wallops. Tomorrow is tomorrow. Don’t let anyone write your future but you both.

Seriously DNA testing for the children????

What the hell?

I am extremely glad you have posted. Affairs happen in this world for a variety of reasons. It hurts the BS an insane amount. It also hurts the WS as well.

You know what? I don’t think you should answer anymore in the past questions. I want to know about the now and how you are doing.

I truly hope you and your husband will come out on this. My grandfather had an affair. When he died 50 some years after his affair. My grandmother loved him. She mourned her husband. We aren’t the first generation to go through this.

I see your pain. I see my husband’s pain. I know the pain of a BS. No one wants this. The best we can do is rebuild a better version of ourselves and do all we can for the marriage.

Mrs. W., it might help a little to know that there is one and only one thing which makes your story truly different: a talent of your husband's.

I told your husband once that he has a writer's gift. And he does. When he wrote his story, it came out of him with an emotional clarity, a precision of detail, and an economy of style that, had it been a short story, lifetime writers would given their eyeteeth for.

It is brutally backhanded compliment, because anyone would wish he had not had cause to find that capacity. But what happened, happened, and I once encouraged him to see this revelation as one of life's thorny gifts.

But FWIW this leaves you in a bit of a pickle, in that some of the reactions you have gotten have little or nothing to do with you, and a lot to do with your husband. He expressed the feelings of a (sadly common) situation in way which made many feel their own feelings in him, feel his hurts as their own, and, well, see you as their WS.

Shorter Owl6118: it's not really about you.

Black humour Owl6118: Your husband has a lot to answer for with his disgustingly excellent prose.

Mrs W - With my own child now, I understand your statement

And you don’t mess with my babies

. Have you considered the fact that your actions may very well "mess with your children" and end the life and family dynamic that they have come to know?

Hi Owl6118,

I think I understand what you’re saying. And yes, he’s a great writer. We took writing classes when we were newly married and wrote short stories together. Mostly creepy or twisted stories like Stephen King. We never submitted any to be published. It was for ourselves. We got to be creative and imaginative and we both enjoyed it. He’s a natural at it.

Hi fooled13years,

Have you considered the fact that your actions may very well "mess with your children" and end the life and family dynamic that they have come to know?

Not “may.” Has. And continues to. And will.

Have I considered it? Not during my affair. No. Not at all. It never entered my mind. I wish it did. Maybe that would have stopped me.

But if your question is do I realize that even though I’m over protective of my children (I assume like all mothers are) and that I said what I did, that I actually hurt them myself, then the answer is yes. I am very aware that I am a mother who hurt her own children. I put them in therapy. I destroyed their sense of peace and calm and that their home was a safe place for them. I destroyed our relationship and while we have been working to rebuild it, my affair will always be part of it. And my boys don’t know, but I will tell them one day in the near future and then we’ll go through that again. And I deal with how I try to view myself as a good person and as a good mom even though I have this voice in my head that points this out to me nearly every day. So yes. I have and do.

I don’t know if your question was meant to just point out my apparent hypocrisy or was a question about my thoughts and feelings. But I hope you aren’t implying that just because I did what I did I should just step aside and not be the best mother I could be, which also means being protective of them (even as I have to let them find their own way in life).

Mrs W -

But I hope you aren’t implying that just because I did what I did I should just step aside and not be the best mother I could be

No, of course not. I experienced the infidelity while married but the child she had was not mine. Her cheating continued after she had her son but she wanted to ultimately be with the father of her child. I wanted to know what does or doesn't go through a mother's mind while she is involved in an affair.

I know that your husband still has some doubts because our backgrounds are eerily similar and I find myself comparing feelings with him.

Yes, I can understand what he is thinking because we are mirror images.

Gently, Lazer1, you can't possibly understand what Walloped is thinking unless you're Walloped.

The fact that you think your thoughts are eerily similar does not make you and Walloped into identical twins. You know essentially all that goes into your thoughts and feelings. All you have to go on is a very few of Walloped's innumerable thoughts. The amount you know about Walloped is only a small fraction of the whole man.

You're an expert on yourself and on no one else.

I urge you to search the web on 'psychology projection' or 'psychological projection' and read what you find. You're making unwarranted assumptions, and you're hurting yourself and possibly your readers, too.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:33 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

Wow, this has got heated.

The important thing Mrs Walloped is that your husband knows you are a very good person and a very good mother and you were so for 20+ years and you are now.

You have clearly acknowledged that you did a pretty awful thing for 5 or so months but you have been truly brave and honest to come onto this forum in recognition of this and to help others.

I think it is right that some question your perceptions of certain events during the affair but only to ensure that there is no unintentional rug sweeping as that hinders the healing process. It is not right to personally attack you as if you were not remorseful, which you clearly are.

I think it probably does you some good let off steam and blow those sort of attacks out of the water, which you seem to do very well I may add. Mmm Mr Walloped beware lol.

[This message edited by SorrowfulMoon at 7:40 PM, March 2nd (Friday)]

Mrs. W,

Most info says 2-5 years for these issues to settle out. Are you set for the long haul?

With technology today for some reason in a lot of affairs there seems to be embarrassing pics, vids of the affair. I'm not sure in your case but if so are you affraid of these coming out later?

I'm sure that would be very uncomfortable to deal with for both of you.

Mrs. W,

I suspect you've learned a lot since posting and reading here.

Do you find it helpful, therapudic?

Also, how do you know that he hasn’t digested my affair? Have you spoken to him? I know it’s not the details about what happened that he’s troubled over. It’s the fact that it happened at all, which I’d be shocked if he wasn’t bothered by. I’m just surprised that you assert things as if they are fact but I’m not sure how you’d know these things.

I don’t *think* that he has digested it only based on him recently wanting divorce. Apologizes for the assumption, I can see why that could be upsetting. I have no way of knowing if he’s accepted it. To be fair, acceptance is such a weird multi-faceted thing you could run around in circles trying to define it all day.