SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

He meant InfidelityFacts dot com, but like every other stat about infidelity there are other stats that counter it.

Below are compiled statistics on infidelity and marriage:

Percentage of marriages that end in divorce in America: 53%

Percentage of "arranged marriages" (where parents pick their sons or daughters spouses) that end in divorce: 3%

Medical field(s) with the highest divorce rate: psychiatrists and marriage counselors

Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%

Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 57%

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they've had: 54%

Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%

Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity (emotional or physical) with a brother-in-law or sister-in-law: 17%

Average length of an affair: 2 years

Percentage of marriages that last after an affair has been admitted to or discovered: 31%

Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%

Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%

ETA: infidelityfacts does not identify its sources in any way that can be verified. I have no knowledge of the owner of the site - domainsbyproxy.com, for crying out loud - and it certainly looks like a fake of some sort. I do notice that it was copyrighted 11 years ago.

It's useless as a source of proof.

Gently, you're not using your critical thinking, analyst.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:25 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

I looked at the site. it looks completely made up. they didn't even reveal how they compiled the research or attribute it to another's research. they don't identify themselves.

i teach how to find reputable research for a living. i'd pass so fast on this one.

Those stats look fairly accurate to me--I had always heard that roughly 2/3 of marriages that experienced infidelity ended, and those stats agree with that. Overall divorce rate looks about where it should be as well.

Analyst, what are you looking for here?

Seriously, what are you looking for?

If it's healing, it's been three years of your cruelty during the holidays and you're still in a difficult place. Perhaps it's time to try something else and leave these people alone.

You know, nothing is going to be "fair" about any of this. The BSs here had spouses or partners that were selfish and entitled. That's not fair, and that's not ever going to BE fair.

Healing comes from you, not from inflicting whatever pain you can on someone else.

Personally, I'm a big fan of the dignified silence and living well being the best revenge.

Cat

I think I agree Seward. I tried to trace it once and it said it was gathered in some Family Psychology Journal, but I couldn't find the actual source online to verify any of it. But I've seen it quoted often in literature on infidelity.

I'd probably say it ends around 30% of all marriages on a conservative side, but I'm guessing its higher. The staticians probably extracted at a certain moment in time, likely they don't follow couples for any extended amount of time to see if it really lasts. There are just not any good stats on infidelity, they are all over the place because people don't want to talk about that shit or they lie. Here is some other:

The experts at Divorce Magazine note that about 45-50 percent of married women and 50-60 percent of married men cheat on their spouses.

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), infidelity in the United States accounted for 20-40 percent of divorces.

The APA also cited that 42 percent of divorced individuals reported more than one affair.

In a Gallup poll, researchers noted that more than half (sixty-two percent) of partners say they would leave their spouse and get a divorce if they found out their spouse was having an affair; 31 percent would stick it out and not divorce.

However in reality, Divorce Magazine notes that about 70 percent of couples actually stay together after an affair is discovered.

Adultery is still one of the most cited reasons for divorce. According to a study published by the National Institutes of Health, one partner in 88 percent of couples studied cited infidelity as a major contributing factor. Interestly though, the vast majority of couples who divorced only had one partner share infidelity as a major issue.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 1:22 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

I just saw this and I will say that the other BS is going through the same thing you are. So, doing this to her is IMO pretty fucked up. Also, remember that the POS OM can also start messing with you since your WW was head over heels for him at one point. You have nothing to gain here, so I recommend stopping it.

Sisoon,

It is next to impossible to calculate correctly.

If you up to number crunching then here is one of the journal: Psychology Today: "Joe Kort Ph.D.Understanding the Erotic Code

How Couples Can Survive Cheating (and Why They Even Try):

"Some researchers have estimated that marital infidelity occurs in about 2.3 percent of married women, and about 4.3 percent of married men. Other studies suggest that as many as 25 percent of men and 11 percent of women will, at some point in their lives, end up in bed with someone other than their partner. I suspect the numbers are even higher. Recent research strongly suggests that, despite cultural and religious assumptions and demands, humans are not actually "wired" for monogamy. (This is a subject for deeper examination than can be adequately discussed here, but something we really need to have more dialogue about.)

Some of the conclusions are very weird:

Recent research strongly suggests that, despite cultural and religious assumptions and demands, humans are not actually "wired" for monogamy.

a book written very logically and coherently called "Dump the cheater. Get a life",

Funny thing is that author was a member here before that book was written. Most everything she learned she learned here at SI. Of course, she is anti R, for the most part. But, honestly, she is no more an authority on marriage/divorce/reconciliation than any other member here at SI.

Statistics are only the tip of the iceberg. The reality is most of what's known has accidentally leaked out. Think of how much infidelity occurs "under the sheets" so to say. I don't believe in any of the statistics.

This is a lot better, Randy. Can you point me to your source?

The experts at Divorce Magazine note that about 45-50 percent of married women and 50-60 percent of married men cheat on their spouses.

Yeah, but the General Social Survey says something like 27% of men and 19% of women admit cheating at least once in a relationship (not necessarily and M or even a committed relationship)

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), infidelity in the United States accounted for 20-40 percent of divorces.

Anecdotal. A WAG - wild-assed guess - based, I'd bet, only on people seen by members of the APA, and most Cs are not members.

The APA also cited that 42 percent of divorced individuals reported more than one affair.

Again, this pretty much has to be based only on APA's members' clients/patients, a small and definitely un-random minority of our population.

In a Gallup poll, researchers noted that more than half (sixty-two percent) of partners say they would leave their spouse and get a divorce if they found out their spouse was having an affair; 31 percent would stick it out and not divorce.

Yeah, but we know that people aren't real good at predicting hypotheticals, especially traumatic ones.

However in reality, Divorce Magazine notes that about 70 percent of couples actually stay together after an affair is discovered.

I'd like to know the source of their number.

Adultery is still one of the most cited reasons for divorce. According to a study published by the National Institutes of Health, one partner in 88 percent of couples studied cited infidelity as a major contributing factor. Interestly though, the vast majority of couples who divorced only had one partner share infidelity as a major issue.

OK, but there's a big question here: is it the A, or the partners' behavior after the A comes to light that causes the D?

Interesting numbers from sources that can possibly lead to a discussion that creates light, not heat.

I suggest looking at Help for Therapists and Their Clients among dearpeggy.com's free stuff (website OKed by mod). Her numbers reflect only the people she surveyed, but they're interesting and statistically significant.

************************************

Analyst (and others)

As for biology, people have observed monogamous species and promiscuous species. I think it's more likely that some of us are mono by nature; others, poly.

Analyst and others,

If you believe that there are no good stats, why bring them into the discussion at all? They trigger the hell out of me, not for A reasons, but for bad statistical thinking reasons.

Analyst,

Are you saying you actually believe people who R are losers, or are you lamenting the fact that your belief led you to D when you really wanted to R? If that's the case, you have my sympathies.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:17 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

Cat,

Analyst, what are you looking for here?

Seriously, what are you looking for?

Honestly, sometimes I do not know myself. I know for sure that I want him to pay for what he did and I really do not care about the costs. This is at maximum. At minimum I want him to live in a miserable marriage and not enjoy his holidays because his wife is unhappy. "Happy wife - happy life"

"Happy wife - happy life"

Disclaimer: I am not a man so I don't know how true it is that for many/most men "happy wife = happy life."

Whether my husband is happy or unhappy has relatively little bearing on whether *I* am happy or unhappy. Because of his job, he is unhappy (or borderline so) the majority of the time. I refuse to let his sour attitude drag me down to his level, so I don't. I only have one precious life to live and I'm 36 years old---if I die at 70, I'm already halfway through it. I'm not going to live that way.

So, if your OBS's husband is like me, you might be barking up the wrong tree.

Curious - what is your assessment of the plethora of posts you have on your thread

A lot of the responses and plain mean: blaming me for wanting to hurt him through his wife. One blamed me for actively seeking for him to lose his job just because he has a child and needed his family insurance. Nobody so far provided a suggestion how to obtain the appropriate restitution and make him pay for what he has done.

I know for sure that I want him to pay for what he did and I really do not care about the costs. This is at maximum.

So, how much is going to be enough that this person has to "pay?" What's going to make you happy here? Why is this person living rent-free in your head? Why is your pursuit of "justice" so important here? I'm not sure *any* consequence is going to be enough for you.

Yes, he wronged you. No question. Are you this way in other areas of your life?

At minimum I want him to live in a miserable marriage and not enjoy his holidays because his wife is unhappy.

So you cause hurt to an innocent party in order to get at him. That's really sick, in my opinion. Your beef is with him, not with her.

Why are you okay with using her and her feelings as a weapon to inflict what you *hope* (since you don't know for CERTAIN) is pain on him?

Whatever reasons they chose to stay together, those are *their* choices. It's not up to you--or to any of us--to say whether they are valid or not. That's up to them.

Why is letting go of revenge hard for you?

I don't see revenge doing anything positive for you, because I don't see anything as being enough. It wasn't enough the first time you did it, so you amped it up.

You've invested a great deal of time and energy in these people who really should be nothing to you. That's time and energy that could have gone to other things, other people, other relationships, etc.

Cat

As for biology, people have observed monogamous species and promiscuous species. I think it's more likely that some of us are mono by nature; others, poly.

If you believe that there are no good stats, why bring them into the discussion at all? They trigger the hell out of me, not for A reasons, but for bad statistical thinking reasons.

Are you saying yo actually believer people who R are losers, or are you lamenting the fact that your belief led you to D when you really wanted to R? If that's the cae, you have my sympathies.

Not sure if you are asking me or OP, but since you addressed me, I'll answer.

I don't really have any opinion monogamy among humans, I think analyst brought that up. But, I agree with your assertion. I think human's capacity of free will is higher than other animals that base their life off of instinct (fight or flight). So, I think monogamy is a choice for humans, just like not have sex til marriage or becoming a drug addict.

As far as stats go. Analyst brought them into the discussion, someone questioned his source, so I provided it. The other stats I posted seemed more legit (actual sources from reputable origins). But, that doesn't mean they are any more correct than the one without a source, its all a guessing game. Did you know when people were asked why they divorced, 10% of participants said they cheated, but 40% said their partner cheated. Cheating is a zero sum game so I kind of doubt the veracity of the people in the survey. Thats why numbers are useless on infidelity, it requires people to admit to being a bad person when they don't want to admit that. Staticians give giant deviations, because they have no fucking clue. Plus, people may divorce because of infidelity on day 1, day 100, or 5 years later. How are we to know, if they reconciled or divorced from one moment in time unless they follow them around for years.

I'm not sure who or why the R is losers part is directed. I certainly never said that. I D'd because I had a remorseless WW and honestly R'ing with her would have been like dragging an elephant up a hill with one arm.

If this wasn't directed at me, ignore it all.

[This message edited by Randy1133 at 2:20 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

That's because there is no appropriate restitution.

You're not ever going to hurt him as much as you were.

Sad f#@$ING fact we all get to eat with our shit sandwich.

You think your the only one who was devastated?

Analyst:

I'd have to say that it seems like you've definitely already achieved your goal.

Especially if the main goal was to make him pay and, more significantly, to terribly REGRET what he did to you.

You don't think he already feels that he lost, BIG-TIME, by doing this to you? For some sex? The legitimate consequences you doled out after discovery outweigh whatever benefits he got from the affair a thousand-fold.

Can't you just claim "mission accomplished" at this point? Especially with the ethical considerations relating to your plan about how to extract further revenge ...

Analyst, There is no way to make him pay. None of us has the power to go back in time and undo what has already been done. Your WW invited him into your marriage.

However, the suggestion sounds so American and so not Rusian culturally.

Interesting, because I would have bet money you are from China, based on your written accent. Chinese currently comprise a large percentage of US accounting programs (approaching 50% in some cases), whereas Russians? Nyet. Less than a percent. But you never actually stated you were Russian, you just implied it.

Are you originally from Russia, or a different locale?

I ask because I seek to better understand the cultural context. I’m familiar with many cultures and it can bear on my advice.

Regardless, I responded previously to your thread, and I’d like to pursue my point:

I understand you’re upset and seek continued vengeance. But your current and prior actions are probably considered acts discreditable, for which you could lose your CPA license. Moreover, KPMG and any other Big four firm would in all likelihood fire you should your actions come to light, regardless of their legality. Top CPA firms are very much concerned with the ethics and morals of their employees.

After reading each response you’ve made on this thread, I think that you have difficulty distinguishing (or caring) about the nuances of ethics, or the difference between ethical behavior not required by law, versus legal technicalities.

Forgetting infidelity for a moment (and lord don’t we all wish we could), I think you need to go back and revisit those ethics cases you covered in school. CPAs are held to the highest ethical standards, far beyond most in any other profession. Don’t you want to live up to those high standards?

Or maybe it’s truly a cultural divide, as I suspect. People raised in cultures where rules matter but morals don’t can struggle integrating here in the States.

[This message edited by hpv50 at 3:29 PM, December 1st (Friday)]

I have not read all 12 pages of this thread, so maybe someone who has successfully R'd has already said this. But I'll say it anyway in response to this...

At minimum I want him to live in a miserable marriage and not enjoy his holidays because his wife is unhappy. "Happy wife - happy life"

If you were the WH of my H's OW, at 1 year out, receiving a card like this from you would have had the impact you desire. It would not be a reminder of what he had done, because, of course I would be living that pain. But it would have definitely thrown a bit of gasoline on the fire.

At year 2, even though we were still struggling to rebuild our marriage, and I was still in a lot of pain that it had happened, your card would have been a nuisance, but it would not have had the desired affect on us that you were hoping it would.

By year 3, to receive a card from you would have made us shake our heads that you were still in that place, as we tossed it into the trash.

If we were to receive a card from you for the 4th year in a row, you would basically become the butt of our jokes. Around page 2 or 3, Rambler said something to the effect that you have basically given them a common enemy to focus their energy on. I would totally agree with that.

You seem to take much satisfaction in the fact that you are causing all this mayhem in their lives when in reality, you have no idea how they are recovering. All you're really doing is showing them what a pathetic POS you are who can't move on and who resorts to Jr High antics to self soothe.

Edited for clarity

[This message edited by imokay at 4:07 PM, December 1st (Friday)]