SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Why are you continuing to try to work with him? He is so inconsistent that it only causes YOU more pain.

One minute he is all in and the next he reverts back to the lying cheating jerk he is now. My fear is that you will be working very hard and he will not be working in the marriage at all.

Worse yet, he will be cheating again in some way shape or form.

180.

Ignore his false promises.

Protect yourself.

And I’m not sorry you gave him your full fury. He needs to hear it and honestly it’s good you got it off your chest. At least he knows how you really feel. So if you decide to D he’s not blindsided and telling his mommy "I didn’t know how she felt. I thought things were good"!

Yeah, I'm not buying it either. Not to mention, depending on the counselor it may or may not not go well. Some counselors will take a "save the marriage at all costs" approach, even if it means partially blaming the betrayed spouse for the affair. Which is complete garbage.

That's why individual counseling is recommended first. You both work on yourselves individually. BS works on getting over the trauma and WS works on what's broken that made them decide cheating was a good idea. Then you try marriage or couples counseling to work on communication.

A nice guy act after only 2 weeks isn't enough. A month isn't long enough. It's going to take years to rebuild trust. Years of very consistent complete transparency and honesty with everything. If he's waffling on providing emails, texts, or whatever that's not transparency. I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him.

I think breaking from the 180 to chew his ass is a forgivable and understandable "slip" in this case.

Don’t feel bad for going off on him. He has been emotionally abusing you. Stick to the 180.

Look your WH is broken. He is blameshifting to you which is a typical cheater tactic. Nothing you have done or haven’t done in your M caused him to cheat. From what you have shared, he cheated because he wanted to. Period. He lied to you. Deceived you. Lied to his work colleague AP and after he tired of using her for sex, he dumps her, and he wants to have you accept all of this and and accept him, while he suffers no consequences. Huh?

Be careful of marriage counseling. A counselor often wants to focus on fixing your M. Your M did not fail, your WH failed you. Your WH needs IC and massive work on himself to figure out how he became so broken that he could cheat on his W, endangering his DD’s intact family. Consider that your M, like everyone else’s M had issues. Look at your M as a house in need of repairs for a leaky roof or a balky furnace. Instead of working with you to repair your house, your WH unilaterally decided to pour gasoline on the house and burn it all to the ground. Now he is desperate to rebuild the house, or so he says. But before you move forward in MC to address issues in your M, you want reassurances that your WH is no longer capable of arson. Take care of you and your child. Always value yourself. You deserve a partner you can trust and committed to you and your child. Good luck.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 1:15 AM, Tuesday, February 10th]

Good riddance. He just did you the biggest favor. Right now, you're in shock and probably feel like you're sinking in churning water. You WILL heal.

If he can't even do the bare minimum than FTG.

I still remember talking to one of my Army brothers about my now ex. He said something so profound when I asked him if everything I'm doing to save the marriage doesn't work, what do I do? How do I get him to get his head out of his ass?

He said, "There's absolutely nothing you can do. And if he doesn't figure it out, then he doesn't F'ing deserve you Sis! FTG."

I didn't see it then, but my ex did me a favor. I'd already wasted years on a man that didn't deserve me and didn't have my back. He freed me from being loyal, faithful, and loving to someone who never deserved it. I wouldn't waste even more precious time with dead weight around my neck.

In a few years, you're going to look back and wonder how in the F was I sobbing in the fetal position over THAT GUY? Seriously, him???

I promise. Just ask me how I know. Today sucks because you haven't healed and gained valuable self insight. But you will one day.

[This message edited by StillLivin at 10:08 PM, Wednesday, February 11th]