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When was the slice comment made? Recently?

Looking at this objectively, it does not matter whether it could have been the AP or not.

What matters is that your WW seems to be pretty loose on her boundaries.

The IG could have been set up by a 10yr old kid, but that does not matter. What matters is that she did not do due diligence to check first, then talk to you about it before accepting the invite.

Your WW seems to either be extremely clueless/naive, or does not care anymore about guarding the M from external threats. Another possibility is that she does not posses any critical thinking skills.

Straightup,

Yes, the food/slice comment was within the last week. The account was created in May, he requested to follow her in June, she started following back in July. Her account is private so she has to accept the request. First DM that I can see is end of June, just a response to a post, nothing "inappropriate" on its own.

What I do know is that AP was very active on the SM side during the A, and he absolutely would know all of the details/accounts WW followed.

I do want to add some context to the previous fake account. I know for a fact that he has already created a fake account before. I know this because he had the audacity to actually call my WW through IG at 10pm. I answered and since it was a video call, pretty damn solid as to who it was. This happened about 10 months ago.

That fake account had a made up name. It was disguised as a farmers market/local produce type thing. When he made that one he didn’t have any groups that me or WW followed but the ones he did were all legitimate groups. No personal accounts, just local farmers and similar businesses. The only person who followed/he followed was my WW.
What was odd to me when I first saw it, is that he had one group that had nothing to do with farming or anything like that, but actually related to his own work. I don’t want to discuss what he does for a living but just trust me it has nothing to do with farms or farming. Of course my instinct was right.

After the shit show of my answering the call, WW seemed genuinely dumbfounded. She said that she truly believed that AP would respect her decision and not try to interfere anymore with us. I really didn’t believe her and didn’t talk to her for a week, but chump that I am, I thought maybe she didn’t know. She knew that I was on the edge of D after that and she didn’t blame me and told me she understood whatever decision I made.

There is no "tax loopholes" or grey area here because part of the deal going forward was any suspicious accounts or anything similar she would talk to me about. So it’s a double whammy. If on the small chance it isn’t AP then it is someone she knows because there just isn’t any way in hell her account was found at random. Not possible.

I can’t see any explanation for this that isn’t breaking the boundaries at all.

So sorry, HINHF. I'd give you a {{hug}} if I could. Your description doesn't sound promising and that can be devastating.

Is there anything we can do to help you with your decision or how you're feeling? We're here to support you.

HINHF, if I recall correctly, divorce is off the table because you love your WW and it would financially bankrupt you (your WW being a long-time SAHM, getting half of the assets as well as child support and spousal support), did I recall that correctly?

Does your WW know that divorce is off the table? Have you expressed this to her directly? Have you even made an off-hand comment to your WW such as "it's cheaper to keep you", so that she could infer that you are not going to divorce her? Is there a chance she has read your postings here and know that you are not willing to divorce her?

It's almost impossible to successfully impose boundaries and rules, if the wayward knows the betrayed will not follow through with the ultimate response of divorce. They get to have their cake and eat it too, if the betrayed is not willing to leave and therefore lost any leverage in the relationship.

Have you changed your opinion and is divorce now a realistic option to you, considering your wife's breaking the NC through the subterfuge fake SM? (not to mention everything else she's put your family through)

If I made a mistake regarding your stance on divorce, then I apologize. I assure you it wasn't my first mistake and definitely won't be my last one either.

Well it’s been a hell of a night.

All in all, breaking bad i think you hit the nail on the head.

So it’s not AP, far as I can tell, but someone else she met on a different SM platform. Started off as he was saying I’ve never been in a relationship is there something wrong with me, and sent her a picture. To give credit she responded appropriately and told him that to never send that again as it’s disrespectful to our marriage. In my opinion, that should have been the end of it, but of course apologies and all that so she kept it up. Well that’s great, but 3 years ago, AP tried to kiss her, and she said basically the same thing to him. Same reaction, apologies and backing off. One month later they are making out on my couch while my kids are sleeping upstairs. A month later they are having sex in my house. At night and when kids are at school.

I confronted her, and asked her to not get mad or defensive. Well that lasted all of 5 minutes. First thing she throws at me "you’re never going to trust me again are you?" Then it turns into if this was bothering you so much why not be a grown up and just tell me.
And I asked why didn’t you just tell me first? Wrong question. Has gone from what could have been a civil conversation and maybe even a build in our relationship to this is all my fault, it’s absolutely ridiculous of me to even suspect her now, I am never going to let it go and punish her for the rest of her life.
Plus just non stop bullying.

So bottom line is she just doesn’t have any empathy at all. I even tried to explain my side, immediately shot down, called immature and throwing a tantrum. Amazing that a cheating SAHM who depends on me for everything has no problem being so disrespectful. We are in separate rooms tonight, and for the foreseeable future.

Nuke,

No, divorce is not off the table, I only said it’s not my friend. No matter how it’s sliced, I will have to support her. If that’s the case id rather do that when I can be with my kids every day.

To those who said no SM. I agree with ink, she has to be the protector of the marriage. I honestly don’t have any problem with her SM,
Up until now it hasn’t been an issue/ everything posted is wholesome and just cooking or mommy stuff and it’s with a lot of her girlfriends we met through the army. I actually wanted her to keep it because her friends are awesome and I want her to have that strong network. Plus a lot of family too. Nothing she posts is inappropriate or seeking validation.

From what you have described from your wife, that response from her shocks me. That is an unmitigated disaster in my book.

I’m sorry man.

Ink,

Yeah it really didn’t have to turn into this. I have been polite but distant from her these last few days, and I told her I needed space and all I ask is to just listen to me when I am ready. I asked her calmly about it tonight and it just blows up. I am unfortunately not surprised it did. It’s actually what I expected.

Maybe I haven’t been paying close enough attention, but I’m not sure how you square your comments about her doing better and having legit hope for R with expecting this.

Yes, just writing that I know I was in a place like that not long ago, but even I was still surprised by her shit. It was when I stopped being surprised by it that I knew I was done. You know, mental model in the shitter and all that. Is that where you are at?

Truth is, think I’ve been used to this for years. It’s hard to say.

But during the A everything became my fault. It’s pretty insidious, because she did a good job of setting me up. The day OBS caught AP/WW together and made her decision to D AP, WW made sure to contact me and "warn" me that OBS is crazy and accusing them of having an affair how crazy is that?! lol! So to not pay any attention to crazy lady who is treating such a good dude so poorly . Then as the A went on, just more and more hateful messages. I couldn’t apologize enough. This is when I was deployed and not even on the same continent. Later, after the A went full on physical, she sent me a message basically calling me an uncaring ass and how she really wasn’t looking forward to me coming home after being gone for over 9 months. Cool. I was scrambling to figure out what the actual hell was going on, still clueless about the A. On my way home my flight got delayed, and she had sex with AP less then 24 hours before I came home.
Then ddwy1, and 6 more months of being ripped apart, especially for asking for NC. Affair kept going,
And I played king pick me dance here.

So, yeah, her flipping out doesn’t surprise me.
Anger and DARVO are her weapons of choice

I don’t know where I am. I don’t really feel anything atm.

Here's what she does:

-You set a boundary or a requisite for reconciliation (whatever you want to call it).

-She stomps all over it.

-You call her out on it.

-Instead of taking responsibility for her own behavior, she lashes out at you... and successfully twists the argument into you being unreasonable, you have lack of trust and lack of love, etc.

-You end up defending yourself rather than holding her accountable for anything that she does.

-There's a brief calm when you distance yourself and detach from her.

-She plays nice for a short while, saying all the right things, and lulling you into a sense of complacency.

-You set a boundary or a requisite for reconciliation (whatever you want to call it).

Cycle starts all over again.

You really need to stop seeing your wife for the person that you thought she was and hope she could be and start seeing he for who she is now and likely will be the foreseeable future. She is devoid of empathy. She pines after the man who destroyed her marriage and abused her child. Instead of treasuring the gift of reconciliation that you have given her, she wipes her ass with it and hands it back to you.

And you keep rinsing off that gift of R and handing it back to her, telling yourself that this time it's different; this time she's turning a corner.

Your wife is never going to change. This situation is never going to change if you keep doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. The only way anything changes is if you change.

I get your struggle, HINHF. You don't want to lose time with your kids and you don't want to financially struggle post divorce.

But think of it this way:

-How much money is your peace of mind worth to you? What's the price tag on staying with someone who is emotionally killing you, especially when you consider that prolonged mental and emotional stress eventually takes it's toll on the body?

-How much time and energy that ought to be invested into your children is being sucked into this black hole of a woman? How do you think this toxic emotional cesspool is affecting them? What are you teaching them about love and the nature of relationships?

I've told you in other posts that I agreed with you when I said that you probably were one of the rare examples of someone who couldn't afford to get a divorce or share custody with your kids.

Now I've reached the point where I don't think you can afford not to divorce.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:57 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]

Thinking of you this morning, man.

How much money is your peace of mind worth to you? What's the price tag on staying with someone who is emotionally killing you, especially when you consider that prolonged mental and emotional stress eventually takes it's toll on the body?

This is really what it comes down to. I too at one time tried to stick it out for the kids. I was terrified of D, but eventually the emotional stress did take a toll on me. Also the stress may come out in physical ways too. After leaving my xWS I discovered I had high cholesterol and high blood pressure. Doctor said I was headed for a stroke or heart attack. Make sure to take care of your health. I do want to add that the peace of mind I have gained is amazing I wouldn't go back to my xWS if someone offered me millions.

To be honest, I'm having a hard time buying her story. Not saying it's AP but it's odd behavior for not only a wayward who claims to want to build trust but for most women I know.

Unsolicited private messages are usually met with "do I know you?" and then block if it's a stranger. A stranger sending a pic? Block. Every woman knows that social media can be like swimming with sharks. Women who don't want extra attention have their socials locked to private as much as possible. If a shark gets in, we block.

Perhaps it's beside the point now. Her response shows a level of entitlement and arrogance that boggles the mind. She completely dismisses you. As a man, a father, a husband, a betrayed partner - she doesn't seem to give a flip.

It's possible that she herself is emotionally so disregulated right now that she simply cannot respond is a healthy way. But that truly is her problem to solve. You aren't obliged to take it on the chin.

I hope you hold your ground. I hope you dismiss her ranting and attempts to bully you off your position. I hope you can calmly but firmly maintain that she is out of line and you will not tolerate it.

To be honest, I'm having a hard time buying her story. Not saying it's AP but it's odd behavior for not only a wayward who claims to want to build trust but for most women I know.

Agree. This is not the behavior of someone wanting to build trust, it seems more like the behavior of someone who is dipping their toe back into chaos because she a) is bored (not your fault, people who feel better in chaos are this way.) and b) she thought things had calmed down enough that maybe you wouldn’t catch it.

A person who wants to lead a better life will be self motivated to do so. Your wife is doing bare minimum and below of what she needs to do to stay married but has not found the internal motivation to be a better person.

Very sorry HNHF.

[This message edited by hikingout at 5:59 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]

TheEnd/Hiking,

Yes thank you for finding the words that i couldn’t. That is just it. After the whole debacle of for real finding the fake account and after the whole affair, I am shocked that she is responding to a random man on the internet. I agree, the minute he sent a pic and asked about his attractiveness or whatever that should have been blocked. There is just something with her where she feels she has to help guys. That’s how the relationship with AP started, his marriage issues. It’s something I’ve noticed more and more. Her first EA, and the other one that was definitely becoming an EA, all the same. She gave me the line of I don’t know him I’ll never meet him it’s only online and you can see everything, but that really isn’t the point. I am not going to be the police anymore. Truthfully this is the first time I even looked at her SM in months, just had that feeling for a weird reason.

More so, I feel strongly that at the very least she should have brought this up, "how would my husband feel about me doing this?", I don’t feel it’s my responsibility to police up and ask her after the fact.

There is no reason to engage anymore with this person. Apparently he as a GF now but like that doesn’t mean anything to me. AP was married and "madly in love with his ex", and it was not secret that we were married.

It is the behavior, it is opening the doors that got us here in the first place that is really bothering me. And I know she knows it was wrong because she flipped out.

When i caught AP red handed on her account she tried same thing but realized she had nothing to explain it, she quickly changed her tune.

No, I’m not backing down. I honestly don’t care if she’s mad at me. Once she went name calling last night I immediately walked away and stopped responding.

Her being bored is definitely not my problem. I encourage her and even make sure our budget allows for her to go out with girlfriends, and meet more.

I don't think men know just how often women receive random messages,from men we don't know,on SM.

Literally, several times a week,I get messages from creeps, trying to get my attention. All women deal with this. And the vast,vast,vast majority of us delete amd block, immediately.

Your wife isn't stupid. She's an entire adult, fully functional, and capable. I don't believe this is a random stranger.

The only person who followed/he followed was my WW.

This is why we know her story is bullshit. A random man wouldn't be following only your wife. Clearly this fake page was made specifically to contact your wife. A random creepy guy follows as many women as he can,and reaches out to as many as possible,because.. again..the vast majority will shut him down.

This is not a stranger.

I'd schedule a polygraph.

[This message edited by HellFire at 6:37 PM, Tuesday, July 9th]