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I don’t think the OBS is necessarily lying, I believe him when he says he saw text messages … but he was unable to provide me with the physical proof (all I would need is a matching phone number to confirm if it was my H’s or not). The unfortunate reality is this whole ordeal now has me on high alert and I don’t trust anyone. I’m sure OBS’s aren’t typically vindictive of another BS, however, nothing surprises me anymore.

It is unfortunate he couldn’t give you the direct proof. But his testimony on what he saw is the more credible vs your husband. OBS is just reporting simple facts and he has no obvious reason to lie. You could ask OBS if he is certain the sexts in question were from your husband, but I doubt he’d be sharing that with you if he wasn’t confident. And your suspicion of different affairs seems to come from contradiction of dates, and to my ear that is far more likely to be just due to lies.

Either way, my WH did take immediate initiative to contact the phone company to access records (they only go back 6 months in time unfortunately - I also called just in case he was lying and this is what I was told as well) - this shows me a willingness to show me.

Your husband may have already known this and this could be a show. I’m sorry, but my wife used tears and incredulousness to lie to my face, many times. These sorts of cues that we use to try to judge the truthfulness of people in normal situations, they don’t work in cases of known liars, and in fact they work against us.

Sorry, I say where there is smoke there is fire here.

Contradiction of dates and the story of that from the OBS (again, not saying he’s lying about it, but it doesn’t necessarily mean the A he saw unfold in front of him was the same one I was referring too when I reached out - this is still a possibility). The timeline and story do not add up at all to what my WH has told me (yes, he’s a liar and cheater, but he has also been doing the work and hasn’t once wavered from my asks, full fledged transparency, etc.). I have facts and proof from my recordings and PI that don’t match up with that of the OBS. My physical evidence is truly the only proof I can believe and 100% rely on at this point. Like I said, I really don’t trust anyone anymore. Again, this is why we’ve decided to follow through with the poly. I’m scared, but whatever results come if it will be telling of my future.

It’s not impossible that she was having more than one affair but it’s more likely that your WH is still lying. Prepare yourself for the worst OP, I’m sorry. The polygraph is the best option here, what a world we live in when people have to do polygraph tests on their partners.

I really hope your WH is genuine and passes the test but prepare yourself for him failing.

My physical evidence is truly the only proof I can believe and 100% rely on at this point.

Are you willing to share with us what you do know 100% from indisputable evidence?

I think the true timeline of the affair is at least as long as the starting time OBS reported and up to discovery, so the worst case of what each AP said, and maybe it started even earlier.

And you could probably ask OBS if he saw your husband naked in the chat history, seems pretty definitive regarding the sexting.

I had planted a recorder in his car for a couple of weeks (happened the one time). My recorder caught everything … they spoke before they left work and he followed her in his car (they take separate vehicles). The BJ/sex lasted a few minutes and then she got out of the car, got into hers and left. Then my H fired back up his car and cane home (like nothing, just got caught up at work for a few extra minutes is all 🙄). My PI caught this same "incidence" and it was exactly how I described it - husband got into his car, she came out of the building 5 minutes later, they had a brief conversation, she gets into her car and leaves, he follows. The pi followed them to a secluded area not too far from work (industrial area, not too much traffic, lots of roads to go down). He took a few pictures of their cars and her getting in and out (again a few minutes). She leaves and then he leaves.

I initially didn’t come at him with my evidence. I wanted him to tell me wtf was going on and what exactly they would do … again, without knowing my evidence he described their encounters and it fit with my evidence - so I do believe (the best to my ability anyway) that not everything he has said is a lie and he has shared truths that match my evidence.

This is honestly one of the reasons I’m considering he could be telling the truth about the timeline/story. However, of course I have reservations about my WH. He’s lied and unfortunately I have to continue treating him as such until the results are in.

Again … a polygraph will be scheduled and I will definitely provide an update once it’s all said and done.

Right Jajaynumb?! It’s outrageous that scheduling a polygraph is a thing I have to endure. As if I haven’t been through enough.

I know I’m saying a lot of things that are hard to hear, and I hope I’m wrong for your sake. But you came here asking for our thoughts.

You know definitively he had a PA, and that is it from what you describe. Not to downplay that, it’s of course a world rocking thing, and I’m so sorry that he did that to you.

But it sounds like you do not have concrete evidence of the details of the affair. Cheaters lie, and about stupid things. Like they think that if they can shave some time off the duration of the affair it will somehow make it more palatable. The discrepancy about the start date fits that for him. The discrepancy about the end date fits that for her. He doesn’t want to admit that he sent naked pictures of himself when every middle school kid with a phone knows how stupid it is to do that.

OBS has brought testimony to you that is of sufficient quality that I believe it would be admissible in a court of law. This is not a court of law, but my point is that his first hand account of hard evidence, and him not having an obvious conflict of interest, makes him a very credible source of information. Your husband is not, regardless of his efforts.

Have another chat with OBS. See what he can confirm, like direct picture of your husband, his name, or a pet name. This idea of a second parallel affair just seems to thin to me. If OBS is confident about his info, skip the poly, your husband is lying to you.

And one last thought: what I’m not saying is OBS has perfect knowledge. Even if you have evidence that contradicts something he says, it does not logically follow that everything he has to say is incorrect. He claims to have seen the text thread with his own eyes. He knows when they started and he knows they contain sexual content. In those two matters he has much better intelligence than you. In other matters, you have better intel. So it seems to me that in talking to each other you have exposed both cheaters as liars, which should surprise no one.

I am the outlier here. There are not enough police on the planet to EVER make me take a polygraph. I am one of those people who panic when I am telling the truth but am questioned about it. I blush all over so I KNOW I would blow one. Nope. Never happening.

My suggestion is to believe your husband. After all the things he has told you and the other proof you have what good would it do? Suppose he failed?

Do you know how many people are in jail by being in the wrong place, with the wrong face?

If you two have worked all year on your marriage then move on. I think the OBS can’t remember dates and times very well. In fact 99.99 percent of us would have a hard time remembering what we ate last week. He seemed, from your description, slightly out of focus.

I believe in the psychology of the polygraph, but it isn’t actually scientific nor useful if you want any actual proof. So many people believe in its efficacy that it has become accepted as hard data. Truth is, it’s highly unreliable and subjective. It’s cool that the CIA and FBI use them, but they only use them for a few things. Taking on new hires, and as one of many integration techniques. Water boarding was also an integration technique, and it’s amazing how many people tell what exactly wants to be heard when tortured. Just because CIA and FBI use it doesn’t mean it’s a valid practice.

People in general make terrible evidence. As a former cop, I personally believe witnesses statements should only be used when multiple witnesses say similar things and it can be proven that no one talked to each other before being interviewed.

That being said, the myth of the power and accuracy of the polygraph is its best weapon. Everyone believes it’s accurate enough because again FBI/CIA and other agencies use it. Which is ridiculous considering how many times those agencies have abused and lied about so many things, but the polygraph must be accurate. That’s why i suggested the polygraph because a lot of people believe it’s accurate, and willing to take it under the belief is a sign of not hiding

Sounds like my story. OBS didn’t have the correct info because he’d been lied to so much. All his details were so off. I had the correct data, irrefutable evidence, dates, times, locations. OBS was off by 14 months of start date of the physical affair. Impossible. My H was still in the military at that time, he wouldn’t retire for another 3 months and we were 2,500 miles away in a different state. I used to have physical copies of my phone bill mailed to me - as a military spouse I kept impeccable records. I knew exactly when the A started based on those phone records, on emails and text messages I intercepted and recovered; I did my own sleuthing and investigating. Their A started after my H had been retired for a little over a year and AFTER we’d moved to his home state. OBS didn’t lie to me - he was relaying information to me that he thought was reliable, information that he believed. Turns out he was wrong. AP had multiple affairs; affairs that happened to overlap with other affairs and ONS. I don’t think OBS set out to intentionally lie to me or give me false information - it was that HE himself had bad information and his cheating WW was so f’d up that one affair partner was just like all the rest - they all just kind of blended together. He was an unreliable source because he didn’t have any evidence- never saw any, never looked for any - AND he didn’t want any copies of what I was willing to share with him. The only way this guy even knew about his wife’s affairs was when BS’s (like me) contacted him! So is it possible that OP’s WHs version of events is more believable than what OBS thinks he knows to be truthful? Yes definitely. This was what happened to me. This OBS was a very damaged individual who had been kept in the dark for so long. I cut ties immediately because he was not helpful to me. I did my due diligence to inform him and that was that.

Then the OBS stuck his head in the sand for two more years before finally divorcing his WW.

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 9:27 AM, Tuesday, June 11th]

Cooley, you might say you would never take a polygraph, but if you were telling the truth and your marriage was on the line, I would hope that you think it would be worth it to afford your wife some peace of mind.

Kitty, 90% of the benefit of the polygraph, in my opinion, is his willingness to take it and the likelihood of getting a parking lot confession if he is holding anything back.

InkHulk has perfectly articulated the reasons why shouldn’t simply dismiss OBS’s information but if nothing short of hard "physical evidence" would be enough to convince you, then short of catching him in the act, you’re not going to find much of anything to meet that standard.

Cooley, you might say you would never take a polygraph, but if you were telling the truth and your marriage was on the line, I would hope that you think it would be worth it to afford your wife some peace of mind.

To be honest I think it is only North America that uses polygraphs! I am European and it is not a thing in other places, we only see that in movies and actually it si expressively forbidden in the constitution of my country as hypnosis or the use of narcotics to stimulate memory and free expression of facts. And it is not that in Europe there are no psychologists or no technology, it is just not considered very reliable and the emotional response can be so subjective that it is not even taken into account.

I remember I was showing my passport at passport control and it fell off my hands, then another thing fell off my hands and the officer started to become suspicious and said to me "Why are you so nervous, madam?". She was being suspicious and that made me really nervous and I felt my heart pounding sooooo fast and started to become sweaty because I know of how many people end up in jail not having done anything, but based on body language that varies so much from person to person. Plus I have often hot flushes due to menopause and the idea that a hot flush at the wrong time gets interpreted as nervousness makes me really worry.

So please do not consider the plygraph as a universal means to get to the truth.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 1:04 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

According to the retired police detective, who administered the polygraph to my ws, the biggest reason polygraph aren't used in court, is because psychopaths,and many hardened criminals, either believe their lies or have no conscious, so they're often able to pass it. The common person though? Not so much. Which is why the FBI and CIA use them.

I see a few are trying to detract you from the polygraph. Just know, many many bs here have used the polygraph, and it proved to be invaluable. Sure, some through the parking lot confession. But often, because of the test results. Many here found the truth, thanks to the polygraph.

If I cheated,and wanted reconciliation, and my bs asked for a polygraph, I'd take it immediately. My embarrassment would be temporary. A bs's need to know, is forever. If I could set his mind at ease,even a little bit, I would jump at the chance.

But why go to a poly when she still has access to OBS? My judgment is OBS is a MUCH better source of truth than a poly. That is my point.

I think the OBS can’t remember dates and times very well. In fact 99.99 percent of us would have a hard time remembering what we ate last week. He seemed, from your description, slightly out of focus.

Seriously? OBS is one of us. Which of us has forgotten how long the affair was? Which of us ever will until the day we die? You think a betrayed spouse got the details mixed up and in fact there weren’t dic pics in the thread? This is trauma imprinted information, for God’s sake.

If I had to bet on who was suffering "memory lapses"-- OBS or your WH-- my money would be on WH.

But why go to a poly when she still has access to OBS? My judgment is OBS is a MUCH better source of truth than a poly. That is my point.

I completely disagree! The OBS relies on the information their spouse was willing to share or MAKE UP! If you think your spouse might be telling you lies, would you trust more the AP to report the truth to their BS? At that point if you want to believe a cheater, believe yours. Or it may be that both cheaters are lying (which is the likely thing) in different ways, so you have to deal with two lies? At the end of the day are details that important?

Did their relationship start on the date the shared the first kiss, they slept together or they sent the first inappropriate messages? or if you like me prefer to consider part of the betrayal also all the flirting, you will see that dates will never coincide.

At the end of the day what counts is your spouse at one point started to lie to you, to hide conversations, to be aroused by the thought of meeting that person. They did it despite the vows you had exchanged.

Are they willing to start from scratch knowing they screw it up?

A

If I cheated,and wanted reconciliation, and my bs asked for a polygraph, I'd take it immediately.

You assume that polygraphs are totally reliable and CERTAIN. If they were without any doubt, don’t you think that more countries would use them? THEY ARE NOT UNIVERSALLY ACCEPTED because they are not certain. Why do you think they are not completely sure? Because they need to be interpreted and because some people have abnormal emotional responses to the exact same stimuli, therefore the results are not certain at all.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 3:18 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]

I completely disagree! The OBS relies on the information their spouse was willing to share or MAKE UP! If you think your spouse might be telling you lies, would you trust more the AP to report the truth to their BS?

Please slow down and read the facts. OBS saw the message thread. This is direct information that DOES NOT pass thru the lying filter of the AP. We should NOT assume OBS is a liar, nor that his memory of such precious details that we all would obsess over are flawed in the course of weeks.

He knows when it started, which is a year earlier than OP’s WH claims.

He knows there was sexting, which OP’s WH said there wasn’t.

Man, I can’t ever remember a thread that gave so much benefit of the doubt to the wayward.

A

You could ask OBS if he is certain the sexts in question were from your husband, but I doubt he’d be sharing that with you if he wasn’t confident.

Inkhulk does it REALLY matter? If two people have a relationship and they use technology to send each other photos that depict them naked what is so offensive and why would sexting be more unforgivable than just waiting for the next sexual activity in person ? Once you decide to have a relationship does it count if they decide to only kiss, to have normal sex, use sex toys, perform extreme sexual practises? They have a relationship, a full sexual, physical affair and an affair has its playful choices according to the people involved. Period.

[This message edited by Fantastic at 3:25 PM, Tuesday, June 11th]