SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If what Bigger said is true, then you have no choice. You have to protect yourself. You must protect the kids.

She's already tried to have you arrested, you just happened to be videoing at the time, and it backfired on her.

If you carry a var, apparently you can be arrested. If you set up cameras,she will be triggered.

The only way to make sure all of you are safe,legally,is to separate..and the kids are with you. They're scared of her.

If I’m interpreting things properly, I am allowed to record her as long as I am party to the conversation. Basically I just can’t record two or more people talking without consent unless I am in one of those people.

On the plus side, I do think you have a great chance at gaining full custody of your daughters in a divorce. No courts will deny the stable father in favor of the confirmed bipolar mother who has been in jail for domestic violence and a 10-day psych hold at a hospital. Her online behavior won't help, and I'm sure your daughters would likely choose you if asked.

Don't be afraid of her getting the kids, you probably have a better shot than most in getting them.

If I let her come home and we try to reconcile for a while to give her a chance to work on mental health and show real remorse… will that damage my chances of getting the kids later?

You need to speak to an attorney,to find out if allowing her back hoke will hurt your chances of full custody.

Have you spoken to the kids to find out if she has hurt them physically? It sounds as if she's already emotionally, and/or verbally abused them.

I have to find a lawyer. Kind of scared to do that… I’m afraid it will put us on an irreversible trajectory.

She has not hit the kids or harmed them that way. She has harmed them and their image of her by neglecting them and acting the way she’s been acting.

Sadly the kids saw most of this and the oldest definitely understands what is going on. She’s only 7 but reads and interacts at a middle school level. We had to talk about it matter if factly.

I spoke to the school and local police department social worker to see what resources are available for the kids. For now everyone is advising me to keep things as normal as possible for the kids for a few more days before trying to take them to therapy or anything like that.

My wife is slated to remain in the hospital through the week until Monday. I have not been able to visit her yet because the kids can’t come and I haven’t found a suitable baby sitter.

I ordered a book: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful. I am thinking about bringing it to my wayward wife in the psychiatric hospital. I will have to talk to her doctor and see if that is appropriate. She already requested some light reading and some religious material which we brought her on Sunday.

I think that the book may be something that will be helpful for her to read and reflect on while in there because she is attending lots of sessions and getting lots of one on one time with social workers. Having the book may give her some talking points… I don’t know.

Thanks again for all the support and encouragement.

Not enough time has passed for her to prove she would be a safe partner. I think if it's at all possible, there should be a separation. Maybe she could live elsewhere for a bit. Start to live your life without thinking of her. In time, she may find she completely screwed up. She also might not. You might also discover that you're happier without her.

Just spoke to her in the hospital. Called to check on her and things were cordial. She said she missed me and we talked about the kids. She talked about making a mural of the family in her notebook and how someone helped her laminate it.

I explained that it was hard to visit her because they don’t allow kids in the psych area. She understood and said they told her she may get out earlier than initially mentioned.

She talked to her mentally ill mother and told her what’s going on. I wish she wouldn’t talk to her mom since I truly believe having her mom live with us was a major trigger of this whole episode. I didn’t mention my feelings as I had already done so previously and didn’t want to trigger her.

She asked how I was doing and I was honest that I’m not doing well.

The other day I was trying to get into the family iPad because I wanted to see what apps she had downloaded by going into her Apple account. I feel bad about it but I lied to her and said our daughter wanted to play a game and I needed the password. She only knew the device password, not the appleID password.

For some dumb reason while on the phone today I told her that I asked her for that password because I wanted to know if there were other games or apps that she had been downloading. I asked her if there were any other apps that I should be worried about finding.

I told her that I’ve been doing a lot of reading about Bipolar Disorder and cheating.

She got angry with me and said: "I am not a cheater!"

I was just silent…

She went on to explain that "this was a one time thing" and she’s "not out there on the street or using dating apps."

The only thing I could muster up was "this was not a one time thing"

And then she said that if she’s going to be labeled as a cheater and it’s going to get to the point where I have read about cheating and stuff "I just can’t"

She hung up the phone.

I’m not sure what "she just can’t" means in this context.

I was trying to tell her that I wanted her to read the book I mentioned earlier, but I guess she’s not ready for that. Maybe it was the wrong time to bring it up since she is in a psychiatric hospital.

I’m worried that she’s not going to be ready to face this honestly.

At the end of the day I can recognize that what she did was not as severe as what many of your wayward spouses and partners have done to you all. I do not think she was physically intimate with anyone. Whether or not she would have tried to or wanted to if she could have figured out how is another story. She probably expects me to assume the best of her but I’m so hurt that I can’t help but worry that it’s possible.

At the end of the day, I am very hurt and she is coming home to a broken man and a broken marriage. I know she is dealing with the mental health crisis and I forgive her to some extent because of it. That said, I am hurt and my trust is completely broken. We’ve gone from 100% blind trust to 0% trust.

She can’t come home acting like the victim and expecting me to be over this.

As for the suggestion of separating temporarily, it’s very difficult… Basically impossible.

Her family is screwed up and far away. Her father is a hoarder and his house is not safe to live in. Her siblings are all busy with many kids and their own problems. Her mother is mentally and lives like a nomad traveling between peoples houses sleeping wherever.

My family lives far away and is screwed up too. My dad is dead and I’m not close with my half siblings. My mom and I don’t have the best relationship and she doesn’t have any ability to provide more than moral support from the sidelines.

We don’t have any close or trusted mutual friends.

She and I work in the same office. We barely make enough money to get by month to month.

There’s no money for her to get a separate apartment or a hotel.

I mentioned earlier that if this leads to separation or divorce that I’m pretty much definitely going to have to declare bankruptcy in order to survive financially.

I am starting to doubt that she will be able to keep her job but even if she does, she doesn’t make enough money to support herself alone using the income she has.

Basically we have to live together when she gets out of the hospital unless I go bankrupt and kick her out into the street which I’m not willing to do.

I suggest looking for bipolar support groups and availing yourself of their help.

Before that, I urge you to consult with the hospital's social worker to get an understanding of what will be expected of you and of what you can expect. You can do that right now or, if you read this after office hours, tomorrow.

Right now, you write very confidently about your situation. Your confidence may very well be misplaced. Call the social work office of the hospital as soon as you can. Let us know hwat you find out.

Let me be very clear about something. Cheating is abuse. Emotional Trauma is almost as damaging as someone breaking your arm. Both can have very real physiological effects and take time to recover from.

Right now you have a wife who is basically an abuser. She doesn't have to be your problem. Filing for legal divorce would probably be the better option. You might have to go ahead and declare bankruptcy just to get free of her, but what happens to her doesn't need to be of any concern to you. She made her choices and choices often come with consequences. Consider it a short-term sacrifice for the long-term greater good.

You and your kids still have the chance to thrive without this cruel anchor holding you down.

She's already telling you she has no remorse. She isn't a cheater, and she won't read anything about infidelity.

Gently..have you outright asked the kids if she's physically hurt them?

Before that, I urge you to consult with the hospital's social worker to get an understanding of what will be expected of you and of what you can expect. You can do that right now or, if you read this after office hours, tomorrow.

Right now, you write very confidently about your situation. Your confidence may very well be misplaced. Call the social work office of the hospital as soon as you can. Let us know hwat you find out.

I could not agree more. No matter what your financial situation, the information/help from the social worker is free. There may be assistance available that you have not considered.

I also agree with others(and even your own perception) that your wife is NOT ready to hold herself accountable. She may be a victim to mental illness, but not to what she has put you(and the children) through. You will be doing yourself a disservice to fall on your own sword in order to shelter your wife from consequences of her own making.

She doesn't need to be punished---she needs to be held accountalbe.

She may be a victim to mental illness, but not to what she has put you(and the children) through. You will be doing yourself a disservice to fall on your own sword in order to shelter your wife from consequences of her own making.

She doesn't need to be punished---she needs to be held accountable.

Yes she’s kind of acting like she wants to be seen as a victim to the cheating as well. Obviously that is not a sign of true remorse and proves that she is not taking accountability.

I don’t care if she was manic, drunk or under the influence of the devil, I still think she made a choice to do what she did.

There’s a reason why we punish drunk drivers and charge them with things like murder. There’s an understanding that even if you are under the influence or not feeling super great that you should be able to identify it and stop yourself from hurting other people.

Maybe I was too late me to her when she called me from the hospital. Maybe I should have let her rot in deafening silence for a few days…. I don’t know.

Either way, when she comes back, I have to let her come home. She literally won’t have a place to sleep if I don’t. I can’t do that to the mother of my kids and the person I’ve spent the last ten years with. Even if she cheated remorselessly, I’d rather be the better man.

We can sleep in separate rooms and we don’t have to be friends.

I would like to see her come home and try to resolve this like an adult, but you guys have me feeling like she won’t. I’ll try greyrocking or whatever it’s called. I guess I have to make her come to me. Maybe she won’t.

She has a few more days in the hospital. I hope she thinks this over a bit more. Maybe someone in there will help her.

Gently..have you outright asked the kids if she's physically hurt them?

Yes I have and I’m confident that she hasn’t.

This is her first manic episode that I know of since we got married ten years ago.

She has been very irritable, depressed and scatterbrained but not violent before this.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 3:57 AM, Wednesday, October 11th]

Finally got the kids to school on time somehow.

My youngest daughter has had enough and wants this whole thing to be over. I had to chase her around the house and try to coax her to let me brush her hair. I don’t know what to tell her. Her mom hadn’t been doing her hair very often before this happened, but she still feels like she wants her mama to do it.

My oldest daughter is just angry. She is sweet and sympathetic to me and super helpful around the house, but she just seems angry and disgusted about everything else. My wife called from the hospital last night and my daughter didn’t seem like she wanted to talk to her at first. In the end, she did speak to her and she said that she was glad she did.

My wife and I spoke a bit. Overall, she seemed a bit more sympathetic and remorseful towards the end of the conversation but it started out rough.

I brought up the book I mentioned earlier and there was a lot of back and forth after that. She continued to downplay her actions in the beginning trying to say that what she did wasn’t full blown cheating. It seems like she wants to absolve herself if any sin because she was having a mental health episode.

I did my best to explain that regardless of her diagnosis, I have been hurt and that the children have been hurt. Mental illness doesn’t give anyone a free license to hurt people. On a logical level she agrees but then when if comes to scrutiny of her actions she gets defensive and stubborn.

She dealing with me like a teenager would deal with a strict father who caught her doing this. She needs to act like a grown woman and start dealing with me like I am her husband.

After a lot of talking and debating, we went from "fine I’ll read the fucking book" to "if you think the book will help, I’ll read it"

All that said, I’m so broken and my trust is gone so I’m sitting here worrying that it’s just a ploy to smooth things over before she gets discharged. I’ve been so badly hurt that I can’t trust that she is being honest and I don’t understand why she finds that to be so annoying.

At the end of the day, I really just feel like I’ve lost my wife. I love who she was. I love that person very much and I’d do anything for her…. But the person that I know and love would never treat me like this if they hurt me even half as bad. The wife I know would be at my feet begging for my forgiveness. I don’t know who this new person is.

I’m so terrified that things are over. I don’t want this to get ugly with divorce and custody but if she doesn’t do a quick and permanent 180° turn, I’m going to have to do something.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life.

[This message edited by MilahsRealHusband at 6:02 PM, Wednesday, October 11th]

This will take some time to play out, until you know what you have to work with.

Everyone probably has positive and negative stories to tell when it comes to mental illness.

I have both kinds of experiences with people close to me.

I have one old friend who had two major episodes of bipolar in his mid 20’s, with paranoid psychosis, acting out and hospitalization. He lost his job and took two years to get back to his old self, but it has been 25 years of pretty smooth sailing for him, his wife and daughter since. He is smart, successful and has had a good life. His wife (then girlfriend) is a gem.

So there can be good outcomes.

It does sound like your wife has leveled out fairly quickly.

It’s painful for those around to navigate.

I’m hoping for the best for you and your kids.

Provided that she has completely ceased the cheating, give things a little time I think.

[This message edited by straightup at 8:18 PM, Wednesday, October 11th]

Just spoke to her doctor.

Apparently her mood is not leveling out the way they would like to see.

They are keeping her through the weekend and then likely for a few more days into next week.

It seems like she has a good care team… Maybe I’ve been expecting too much from her at this stage.

I’m going to keep it light and stop talking about the affair. I’ll call her and let her talk to the kids.

This must be so hard and my heart really does go out to you. I posted earlier as I lived with a young adult child from my first M who suffered from type 2 bipolar disorder and your W is more seriously ill from what you have said.

I really do think that the priority has to be stabilising and resolving her medical condition and preserving stability at home for the sake of your kids. The medical situation must be the priority. Any attempts to address the infidelity prior to this are likely to fail. She has a serious illness, as you know, and this is not something that she will instantly recover from. The process of getting her mood stabilised is going to take a while. Probably adjustments or even changes in medication. She will likely have setbacks where she may go manic again. She is possibly in no condition to do what she needs to do and I am not making excuses for what she has done. Just telling you that she doesn’t sound like she is ready or is in a position to address this and probably won’t be for a while.

Do you really want to put your kids through this again? Is this fair on them? Will this traumatise them? Her reaction to your asking her quite reasonably to do some work possibly demonstrates this. You seem to have some calm at home now. Do you want to upset this. If she won’t be able to work won’t outcome financially be the same? So shouldn’t you try to at least protect your kids as best you can? What do they want and need?

I agree with Older.

Her mental illness needs to be stabilized before anything else can be "repaired." She is not in her right mind. Take the standard WS playbook of TT'ing, defensiveness, delusion and lack of remorse and multiply it by 100 with a mentally unsound person.

There is zero chance of a productive conversation about infidelity at this point, imo. Imagine she was brain injured sitting in a hospital with a plate in her head and IVs hooked up with 5 medications... would that be the time to coherently discuss the state of your marriage?

I'm sorry. I know you are suffering. But she is not a viable source of comfort for you at this time (most WS's aren't but with this case even moreso). You need to tap into resources for yourself. A therapist, a support group, a friend, a pastor. You need to find someone who is healthy and able to provide you with emotional support. It is not your mentally ill wife.

I also completely co-sign focusing on your kids (after you place your own oxygen mask and get yourself some real life support). You have described utter chaos for them and your focus needs to be on providing them stability and safety. If there is some way to keep her in treatment and out of the house, find it. If in treatment doesn't work, where else can she go while she continues to work on her mental health? This isn't about punishing her. It's about keeping those kids safe and giving your wife space to heal and work on her recovery. Talk to her care team about options.

I know you are in pain. That pain is a priority in your brain. But she is not in any position to deal with that. She needs to focus on getting herself healthy. You need to focus on you and those kids. The rest, well, there is time for that. But two healthy people resolve marital issues. Not a broken betrayed spouse and mentally unsound WS.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 2:11 AM, Thursday, October 12th]