SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You're doing what many BS do,in the beginning. You're being transparent to a woman who has shown she is capable of great deception, and isn't trustworthy. Transparency is important. But,in the beginning, after dday, a BS has to be smart,and not inform their BS of every little thing.

You are treating her as if she is on a pedestal, and a kind,loving, trustworthy wife. She needs to earn the trust back. In the meantime,you should hold some cards close to the vest.

I think I need to step away from this forum. Its really important for me to do what is right and let the pieces fall into place. I can only look back at my decisions at the end of the day and I feel what I did was 100% right. Feeding me parinoia is not really helpful. I'd rather just get advice on what to do next.

Also I don't 100% trust her and I've told her many times I am still on edge about her going back to the guy. Also I demanded the paternity test like you all said and she agreed to do it. And I am getting an STD test in 2 weeks (soonest availability).

I admire your ability to take these actions with transparency, even though there are great practical reasons to have an informational war with your wife.

On the plus side you will be able to maintain a principled position on truth and honesty. Just be aware that it will set you up for some potential pitfalls by way of your wife knowing your every move.

What to do next? Nothing. Take care of yourself. Eat,sleep,exercise. Watch her actions. Her words mean nothing. Watch was work she is doing on herself, and the effort she is putting into attempting to reconcile. The WS needs to do the heavy lifting ,in the first few months after dday.

It takes 3 to 5 years to properly reconcile. That sounds like a long time. But it's not an exaggeration. She has a lot of work to do. Trust will never be 100%. She needs to be ok with that.

The things you read here can be hard to hear. But it is the best site for healing from infidelity. You're getting a lot of hard earned wisdom. It's difficult to hear,we know. But everyone here wants your marriage to be a success story. Some things may sound counter intuitive to that. But eventually, you will see why we give the advice we give.

Feeding me parinoia is not really helpful. I'd rather just get advice on what to do next.

If I get a penny every time I read newly betrayed spouses saying this on this website, I will be a millionaire. And if I get more penny every time these same spouses coming back after some time and saying, "yes, you people were right", I will be a billionaire.

Trust me. The wisdom in this forum is very vast.
Our intention is not to scare you off but to get you closer to the truth. The ultimate goal of this forum is to restore betrayed's agency. To do that truth is necessary. And, Truth is scary.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 11:09 PM, Thursday, June 1st]

Lurkingsoul12:

Amen and Amen!!!

A lot of the advice you will get is hard to hear. We are not trying trying beat you over the head, we have been in your shoes. Take what you need and leave the rest is first big piece of advice you will get. We have seen these scenarios hundreds of times and when we see it going off the rails we are going to say "Wait!!!, we did it that way and got burned". We are here for you and not everything will be sugar coated, but its to hurt or offend. The enemy of your M right now is your WW and the AP, not us.

Definitely appreciate some of the follow ups. It makes me feel better understanding your intentions. I get you all have seen things work out wrong in my situation, but I'd rather things go south and be content with my decisions at the end of the day.

My goal is to see if my wife can step up and show me she can be a good/loving/trustworthy/supportive partner for our upcoming child, and work on my flaws that kept me from being a good husband. I really don't care about squeezing more truth from the situation, my wife cheated, and admitted to cheating. I don't need more details on the extent of it or what was said. The past is the past at this point. The only thing I care about from that point is why she cheated, because I still don't have a great answer.

Also I really need to focus on the now and future.

I am getting the STD and patnernaty test (she agreed to it) to make sure everything is okay, but now, like Hellfire said I just care about her proving herself and also becoming a person I can be happy with.

And trust me, I do not have blind faith in my wife or put her on a pedistal. I am watching out for warning signs for sure, and calling my wife out when things don't make sense to me.

Like tonight my wife said that the AP's wife reached out to her already on a hidden instagram message. She sent my wife a message telling my wife to stay away and for me to stay away. But the message I sent the APs wife on instagram never got the "seen" indicator. Also my wife said she immediately deleted the message and blocked the AP's wife after she told me about it, because she felt so bad about her decision ruining his family (she has external avoidance complex so this technically checks out).

That being said, despite my suspicions, the AP's wife has an online business, so its very possible she saw my message on a social monitoring app and was too upset to write me back. Long story short, my wife could be lieing or telling the truth. I am not sure what. And until shes around and I can see if she is being deceptive, I will just toe the line of trying not to overthink the situation, but be aware of her moves when she is back.

Either way I am leaving the line of communication open for the APs wife to contact me back like you all recommend.

However, I cant let the APs wife, or her marriage, be my focus. My focus this weekend is on myself. That includes coming up with the resolve to not drink, working out (trying to bodybuild again), taking care of my dog and working on my guitar/singing lessons.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 1:49 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

Definitely have the weekend to yourself. One of the best things we can do for ourselves in this situation is to regain ourselves. That can be hobbies we gave up. That can be new hobbies. Good for you for setting aside time for self-care. Remember to drink water and eat a little bit, too.

Like tonight my wife said that the AP's wife reached out to her already on a hidden instagram message. She sent my wife a message telling my wife to stay away and for me to stay away. But the message I sent the APs wife on instagram never got the "seen" indicator. Also my wife said she immediately deleted the message and blocked the AP's wife after she told me about it, because she felt so bad about her decision ruining his family (she has external avoidance complex so this technically checks out).

Brother!!! No, her and AP came up with this. She’s not allowed to delete shit!! Please to don’t believe this. I’m sorry I’m not trying to upset you but you know and are already making excuses for her. She didn’t see the message. AP is blocking it and working on damage control with your WW.

Still lying, still in contact, still in infidelity

[This message edited by Tanner at 2:37 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

Tanner, I think you need to reread that again and not stoke the paranoia.

I am not disagreeing that could be a possibility, but there's also a possibility that the APs wife saw my message on a social listening app and is ignoring me.

The APs wife also recently made a post promoting her business 15 minutes after I followed up with her to see if she saw the message. And it's still not seen. So there's a chance she's ignoring me.

I'm not convinced either way and all I can do is be alert when my wife comes home

You wife deleted OBS's message?? The only evidence she had to prove her story??!! Brother, she is lying. I have seen this exact scenario playing out for so many times. Do the polygraph. Truth will come out. You might even get parking lot confessions.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 7:36 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

Yes I called her out that what she's saying is super suspicious. Again it's possible what she's saying is true, but I don't have a good feeling shes being honest.

I was actually planning to make her download the Instagram logs in front of me, and send them to my email.

But wanted to waiting on asking for that until we were in front of the MC (day after she gets back). The MC was very adamant that my wife cuts off contact to AP or she ends our therapy, so I want to use that to my advantage.

I tried to reach out to a polygraph place nearby when I first found out but they never got back to me.

[This message edited by Tav3n at 8:08 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

True. May be she is telling the truth but since she has already proved to be a liar and affair fog is a thing, I would bet on her lying to you. You shouldn't trust her on anything until she provides you the evidence of her trust worthiness. Right now, your mantra should be verify and trust and when she is out of infidelity, your mantra should be trust but verify.

Keep trying for poly. You will be glad later.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 8:29 AM, Friday, June 2nd]

Also I feel like if AP got to his wife's account then I should have been blocked by now...so not convinced my message is seen or not seen by her either.

But I am going to reach out to the polygraph place again tomorrow.

So I just decided I am going to cut off contact with my wife until she's back on Sunday.

The more I think about what happened today the more uneasy I am about what's going on.

Sorry for what you are going through. I know that exact feeling. Lot of us do. But, things will get better. You are in shock now. You will pass through all stages of grief. Denial and underplaying are usually the first reactions from BS after Dday. Have you read tactical primier? Have you visited healing library? If not then please do. Also, read about affair fog and pick me dance.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Exercise plenty. Proper diet and water intake will keep your mind healthy. Meditation can calm your mind. Stable and calm mind will make this mess little easier to deal with.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 2:41 PM, Friday, June 2nd]

Tav3n

You make one statement in the very title of your thread that is probably making most (if not all) veteran posters here shake their heads. That’s when you claim that you contributed to her affair.

Friend – in the kindest of ways and totally 100% with the intent of helping you forward as a couple and/or as individuals…
No. Nothing you did or did not do made her decision to have an affair.

To use a comparison: It’s like you went to a bar, had maybe a drink or two too much and even accepted a drink from the new "friend" you never met before and have never seen before. Only to wake up next morning in an alley with your pants on your heels and feeling sore from being raped. If that happened to you chances are you would be filled with questions like why did you go there, why did you have that third shot, why did you talk to the guy, why did you accept that drink, why didn’t you fight back…
In reality – having an expectation of going out and having a good time and NOT being raped is normal. There is nothing wrong or stupid about that expectation. Just like there is nothing naïve, wrong or stupid in an expectation of fidelity in a monogamous marriage.
The self-doubt, self-guilt and all that is also well-known to rape victims – as it is with betrayed spouses. Yes – you could have been more careful with your drink/marriage, but still doesn’t justify rape/infidelity.
It might help you if you think of a close female friend or relative – like what if your 22 year old niece was raped. Would you be questioning her why she wore that cocktail-dress, why she walked across the car-park to her ride home or why she wasn’t all bruised from fighting off the aggressor? Or would you be supporting her and convincing her that she was a victim?

Yes – your drinking and gaming and all that contributed to a bad marriage. Even if you and your wife make it past the affair, and even if you are off the booze for life… there will come spells where your marriage isn’t ideal. Would you deciding to take a long weekend to go fishing with your friends contribute and justify to your wife’s response to go make out with the man next door? Or would it be OK for you to get a BJ from a hooker because your marriage is having a sexual draught?

I want to make a suggestion on now to progress. Now – this is based on you wanting to reconcile. If I’m off here then divorce is easy. You just tell your wife "Sorry, but I don’t want this marriage anymore. There are laws in place that more-or-less dictate divorce and if we are sensible and logical we can get this over with in a few months" and then you just start the process.

If you want to reconcile – this is how I would suggest you go ahead:
First of all fully grasp two basic concepts:
The ONLY reason you are married is because you want to be married. That applies both ways. NOBODY and NOTHING is keeping you in the marriage other than what you want. Everything – EVERYTHING else like the house, cars, friends… is an excuse. There are processes that deal with that and millions of people have left marriages and yet successfully coparented, managed financially and moved on to good lives. NOTHING is forcing you to be married, and NOTHING is forcing her to be married to you.
IMHO understanding the voulnerability of marriage is a key to a good marriage.

The second concept is that you can only reconcile from the truth.
This is so important and IMHO the stumbling block that wrecks more marriages than the affair itself.
Learning NOW that it was physical, learning NOW about that they met 4x and had sex or whatever… is going to be easier long-term than thinking they never met and then learning 5 months from now that they actually shared a coffee at the Mall. Get it? Major truths will lessen compared to minor truths kept hidden.
This is because right now trust is minimal. In a few months there should at least be some base or willingness for some form of trust. A break in that trust is like blowing on a house of cards when you already have 4 levels up.

OK – with that in mind IMHO your best bet is telling your wife something like:
"Wife. I always envisioned a life with you. Your affair has struck at the very base of what I expected and made me question what I want. I truly want for us to move on and reconcile, but I have also realized a couple of things:
There are behaviors and actions I need to change, but NONE OF THEM in any way or form justify or minimize your DECISSION to have an affair. If you aren’t happy with me you can talk to me about it, and if I don’t change you can divorce. Deciding to have an affair is totally not acceptable. I acknowledge my share in the marital issues but refuse to accept an iota of blame for your decision to have an affair.
Although I always envisioned you as my wife and am willing to work towards reconciliation I have had an epiphany: Not having you as my wife is not the worst outcome of this situation. The WORST outcome would be to think you are my wife, but in reality be sharing you with someone else. I don’t share my wife. I would rather not have you as my wife than discover I’m sharing you. Divorce is the lesser of two evils if you aren’t willing to be in a monogamous relationship with me.

There is nothing wrong in you not wanting to be married to me. If you aren’t willing to commit to monogamy then it’s totally fine that we divorce. It’s not what I want – but this marriage has to be what BOTH of us want.

Be clear on that: You CAN end this marriage. The ONLY reason you want to be here with me has to be because you want ME as your husband.

If you want this marriage you need to tell me so. No if’s and buts. It’s a straight yes or no answer.
I’m willing to work on changing things in myself, but I need the same commitment from you so you understand how wrong your decision to have an affair was, and so I feel assured you will react differently if you are mentally in the same space as then.

One thing I require is total and absolute truth. At the moment I have no trust in you, and that needs to be rebuilt. I need to know what happened to the level of detail I need. I can understand that you might fear the truth might end my will to reconcile so I will commit to this: Tell me the truth and we verify it in any way we can (including a poly if I feel I need that) and I will commit to 30 days of trying to reconcile.
Just be aware that if you keep a secret it will either come out and cause more damage then, or will fester in you and prevent us from ever being happy.

It’s your call. As I said – I would prefer reconciling, but I would chose divorce over infidelity any day."

Unless and until she tells you she wants the marriage – simply assume she doesn’t. It’s really that simple.
If she doesn’t want the marriage then it’s equally simple that the path out is divorce. So until and unless she let’s you know what she wants simply assume that eventually you will file, and start the process of organizing your finances, listing assets and debts, canceling joint cards and so on. No rush – you don’t need to wait 3 minutes for an answer and then file. But just understand and accept that to move forwards you both need commitment.

Finally – Although you aren’t accountable for her infidelity you are accountable for your actions. Sobriety is a major step and I seriously suggest you look into your drinking. Do you think you are an alcoholic or did you "simply" have an unhealthy drinking pattern? Seriously think of committing to AT LEAST 12 months of sobriety, and offer your wife that you can take a breathalyzer or sobriety test when and if she wants. I seriously – seriously – SERIOUSLY suggest you two look into counseling for codependency and negative-pattern relationships. (That negative pattern tends to be substance abuse).

Regarding the OMW… IMHO it’s fine to wait for now. The OMW and possible sexual content the OM might have of your wife are IMHO issues that can be dealt with later on in this process.

my wife said that the AP's wife reached out to her already on a hidden instagram message. She sent my wife a message telling my wife to stay away and for me to stay away. But the message I sent the APs wife on instagram never got the "seen" indicator. Also my wife said she immediately deleted the message and blocked the AP's wife after she told me about it

First, please let go of the idea that you have any sort of paranoia. You have every reason not to trust anything she has said,or done. It's not paranoia. It's your gut telling you something isn't right. You should trust your gut.

Let's look at what she did/said in the above quote.

You warned AP,on a zoom call,with your wife. Your wife begged you not to message his wife. You told ap it was happening. Your wife isn't in town. The message from OBS remains unread, yet your wife says she basically immediately reached out to her,and told her AND YOU, to stay away. That makes no sense. She didn't even read your message. That's not a glitch on Instagram. She didn't read the message. So she wouldn't know anything. And it's extremely unusual that OBS didn't reach out to you,yet told your wife that you,the only person in all of this who treated her humanly, to leave her alone? No.

Friend, what happened is your wife contacted him immediately after the zoom call. They conspired, TOGETHER, to make up this story about OBS contacting her. She claims to have deleted the message,so she conveniently can't prove this to you. The reason your message remains unread,is because he's blocked you. I believe,even when you block someone,any messages remain. He may think they are automatically deleted, but I don't think they are.

So,your problem isn't whether OBS saw your message. It's that your wife contacted him, to help him keep their affair a secret. And,she lied to you,to protect him.

A polygraph will be necessary. One of the questions needs to be about contact,after she allowed you to believe she's NC.

You need to be very clear that she isn't to delete ANYTHING.

Remember when I said that you were getting the benefit of hard earned wisdom here? This is that. We've seen this. Hundreds of times. Cheaters are predictable.

Another thing. You can see how long we've been here,and our post count. Please don't misunderstand. Many of us have been here a long time. We are not bitter,and here to spread hate. We stay..or come back..to give back to the community that helped us. There is healing in helping.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:28 PM, Friday, June 2nd]