SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Your wife gave your mom a gift with her confession, putting her in a position of power and control over your marriage. Sounds like she ran with it.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:19 AM, Wednesday, May 31st]

Oh they're both so so so sorry, my wife more than my mom. Even though that dumb swinger told her to hide it she did learn some valuable skills I guess about how she'd feel and whatever. Even though it's not authentic because, ya know, she was told what to feel.

My question though is why can't cheaters be authentic? Ok so you cheat, then you cheat in a different way, spending money in the process for the answers that anyone can figure out. Did my wife REALLY need to spend money with a cherry on top of "don't tell him, imagine how you'd feel if he cheated" am I really expected to believe that?

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 2:33 AM, Wednesday, May 31st]

@houseofpain

My mom's a reprobate loser so yeah that sounds right

Really though I just can't believe it. My life was literally stolen from me.

Typically you can expect to be "love bombed" where your wife will try to make everything okay by "hysterical bonding." You might want to invite her to sleep in a guest room for now.

Geez, that's evil as hell. Hasn't happened yet though. The love bombing I mean

Wayward wives are notorious for making false DV claims, when they feel they're losing control of their husband. I highly recommend getting a var,and keeping it on you at all times.

I've been in a similar situation. I've been cheated on. And, my mother perpetrated a horrific betrayal towards me. Once I found out,I immediately severed all ties with my mother. It was so reprehensible that,when she died, I felt only a small twinge of sadness. What your mother has done is,IMHO, just as unforgivable as what my mother did to me.

I think you are making a wise decision, in choosing divorce.

I hate to say this but your mom (in her warped sense of thinking) thought she was doing you a favor by not telling you.

I’m not saying it’s right but I think she would but understand "what she did wrong". 🤪

I don’t know how you recover from the double betrayal in this case. It all stinks!!!!

So sorry for you.

40K,

You wrote,

My mom was though which is what made her keep a secret and pay money out of her pocket to "help" my wife

Wow that's ugly it's like she was paying to keep her grandchildrens family together.

Triggers me a bit my Mother in law once had my W give $1000 to her cheating daughter in law. It was also ugly the sister in law was staying with us and the OM stopped by to pick her up, expensive affair clothing labels were in the trash.

I've heard similar stories like that in my Ws family since affairs were a normal part of life for them perhaps it was normalized in your Moms or WWs families as well.

There is also a health concern here in that your WW may have given you an STD like HPV which long term can give you oral, throat and penile cancers. Please check yourself regularly. Expect your WW to lie about STD testing generally affairs are passionate unprotected sex as a rule.

Did you DNA test your children?

Are you going to expose and confront the OM or is it OMs?

Expect your WW to minimize, omit and outright lie to your face.

Ask her for a timeline and then get a polygraph.

You might be able to get a postnup while you are still in a place to negotiate.

I would say she wouldn't do false domestic violence reports on me but after this I wouldn't put it past her. I know cheaters get off on doing this because it always works out for them in the end no matter if the marriage stays together or it ends in divorce.

I would talk more about my mother's mindset but I think I would be treading the rules a bit.

Yeah I got a bunch of tests done I'm clear so far.

I would test my children but I look so much like them it's unreal and they have genetic traits I do as well. Plus if I found out they weren't mine I'd probably just kill myself. Not because it's their fault and I hate them or something but I just couldn't live with that it would just be too much for me to handle and live with. To find out my entire life was a lie instead of half of it id just loose the will to live like I said

I edited the last part a bunch but it still sounds kinda bad

[This message edited by 40kSpaceMarine at 6:38 PM, Wednesday, May 31st]

Many people have weighed in. And even more than 5 years post my DD2? 3? I find so much wisdom in this group.

(DD1 for me was an old betrayal I found out about way after the fact for reasons I was not certain but I would guess someone was about to tell me?)

I do not pretend to know the truth of your situation. The personality traits or whatever it took for WH to lie to me for decades and to take away my agency and ability to consent sexually and relationship wise in our marriage through his lies was startling. Shocking.

And so have the other things he has done post my filing for divorce. I now would put nothing past him. So I encourage betrayeds to take exquisite care of themselves and their children...
legally, spiritually, financially, physically, emotionally.

The real question is what actions, if any, do you intend to undertake?

Divorce, get the kids, get the house.

I’m really sorry 40K.

I also found out about my WW ONS she had prior to marriage, 14 years later…..when I discovered her PA and EA’s that happened in 2012-2014. I found out about all of it in 2015.

I also married my WW thinking her and I were each others first and only sexual partners.

My WW also saw a psychiatrist after the PA in 2012, and he said basically the same crap your WW’s "therapist" told her. "What good would it do?", "it will only hurt him further", etc.

The psychologist we saw together basically said "I feel that is terrible advice", "a marriage built on a broken foundation, can’t be a stable marriage".

Others have given and will give you great advice on what to expect and good advice. Just wanted to say, I’m sorry and you’re not alone.

It appears that the discovery of your WW’s infidelity is a dealbreaker for you and you are set on D. The D process is not fast and you have suffered a real trauma as what you believed was your reality has been shattered. Make sure to take care of you moving forward. See an IC if it can help. Since you are set on D, there is no need to engage with or argue with your WW. See an attorney to learn your rights and get the lay of the land. Then get the D process started. I would advise going gray rock. Keep contact to custody and finance issues only. The goal is to heal and move forward, and to reach indifference towards your WW. Good luck.

Horribly your Mom was also going to take this to the grave

Your name here has marine in it, were you serving when this happened?

If so and the OM was also in the service you can report the OM to the inspector general.

What have you done about the OM informed his spouse?

[This message edited by survrus at 3:05 AM, Thursday, June 1st]

Also did your kids have any contact with the OM sometimes women will bring OM around their children trying to make him into a new daddy. Have you checked if your kids were forced to keep quiet and guilty all these years.

We all understand how you are feeling right now. People deal with it differently. You are going through the stages of grief because it's basically a death of a marriage you thought you had. You may be in the shock and/or anger stage right now, but expect to go through the other stages as well. As you continue to read through others' posts, you'll see some people stay with their spouse after an affair, while others say it's a complete deal breaker and leave. Many have stayed with their WS for worse and others have left for much less. The important thing is to take time for YOU, work out your feelings and do what's best for YOU. Some people may tell you to wait until the shock is over before you make life altering decisions, but again you know what's best for you so listen to your gut instinct.

@survrus

Oh no, it's from 40k and he wasn't married. Dudes probably eternal fuel right now anyways he doesn't live where he use to and I can't find anything about him. And nah they didn't the only thing is my son told his sister before I was told but I don't have a problem with that since it was such a situation they were in.

@writersblock112

You gotta do what you gotta do. It's not like I wanted a divorce to be fair, she ultimately wanted that to happen just like every cheater who gets divorced does. I'm not even really replying to you anymore though sorry for going on a different thing.

Have you made it clear to your WW that you are pursuing divorce? Does she accept it and agree to make the process relatively easy on you?