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AFAIK A couple of my STBXWH APs who were his young (he was 42 & 48 at the time, they were 19 & 24) coworkers & both got off on the married man "risking it all" to sleep with them, all ego and no interest in any relationship responsibility. There was no deep emotions, only the conquest mattered, it could have been any married guy. Yes I hate them for it, so mad that their socials are flooded with modern feminists quotes, women looking out for women memes (which I find so hypocritical) and sayings about men who risk it all are the sexiest kind of men but I am more mad at him because they’re not anything special and he was just a tally, he could have said no but banging younger single females was more important than me and us (especially when he thought I would never find out.)

One of the older APs, and this is what pisses me off the most with these kind of AP, wanted to be taken care of like a pampered pooch & never have to work again. She wanted my house, clothes, holidays, car etc etc completely forgetting that my ex was living off a two (well paying) income marriage, sure he is upper management (which she saw dollar signs) but so was I so of course he has shiny things to flash because we both shouldered the cost. It’s like she never factored the two income lifestyle in. Once you remove the betrayed spouse’s income all of a sudden she is stuck with a guy who can hardly pay rent on time (because he was always bad at managing his money) he can’t go on all those holidays and buy all those gifts etc and she is forced to work and catch public transport and stay with him in a studio apartment in the suburbs, which wasn’t her plan at all. Still revolted by both my STBX and this xAP but I hate her more for being such a parasitic loser. From reading here and off site these kind of single AP seem to be the most common.

I agree there are also broken single APs and there is a reason why they have never found a stable loving committed relationship. They would have you believe monogamy is "unnatural" and that’s why they have never had those relationships but truth is they’re just rotten, something is wrong with them and so have no morals and boundaries when it comes to marriage & married men.

Whatever the reasons for OW, broken, low self esteem, lied to... they are still grown women making a decision to participate in something very wrong and hurtful and I'm sure something they would not like done to them.

Of course the husband is the one that took the vows. Of course he is responsible for his actions.

That does not in any way absolve his partner in crime of her actions. OW is a willing, active participant in lying, cheating and possibly spreading STDs.

Nobody should have to take a vow to be a decent human being or to know that this behavior is wrong and going to hurt people.

Take a look at theotherwoman sub on Reddit. It will give you a lot of insight into what some of these women are thinking.

To be honest, it’s pretty sad and pathetic.

I know of 2 OW's, with one that I grew up with and have known since grade school, and the other is her friend. My one friend that I've known for a long time had a horrible childhood, neglect and her father ran off and created a whole other family in TX. She hardly stays in contact with him, but she is a broken person. She was once married, but that relationship was a mess from the start and it was never going to work b/c her husband was given the green light to openly cheat on her, so it eventually just broke down. I think she suffers from self esteem and childhood trauma issues, although a successful business woman, she will remain broken because she has no interest in getting things fixed. In talking to her she is destine to be a single version of a tomcat for her foreseeable future. Pretty sad really, and she has little remorse about her behavior.

Her friend who is equally broken, still single in her mid forties likes going after married men. She lives what would be an envious social media life, but I've seen her around town, and she looks lonely. Her dog is her companion, but just a broken individual as well based on what I've been told. I was more friendly to her before I found out she was the OW, and now when I see her, I keep my distance. Nothing good can come from being her friend.

I also went to college with a guy who chooses to be the OM. He does well for himself and seems to live a lively and life of parties, but at near 50 yrs of age, I just don't see it not being lonely. He mainly targets married women bc they are easy and I've heard this from his very mouth. No strings attached easy.

Take a look at theotherwoman sub on Reddit. It will give you a lot of insight into what some of these women are thinking.

To be honest, it’s pretty sad and pathetic.

The compartmentalization of those women leave me gobsmacked every time.

they whine about being worried they can’t trust their married man (those ones just loop support each other "of course you can trust him, he wants you and will be faithful" ) or they think what they have is the true relationship, make up excuses why he can’t divorce his wife (but it’s never simply because he doesn’t want to) and block out that when he leaves their bed he jumps straight back into the marital one. those are the ones who write about poor MM being "forced" into having another baby with the wife like it’s the evil wife’s mastermind plan to keep MM trapped even though she is clueless to the affair ... ummm hello! Wake up.

so much selfishness, if it doesn’t involve them then it has no value or importance.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 9:06 PM, Wednesday, December 1st]

The two AP I knew about were actually similiar to each other.

Confident. Outgoing. Aggressive. They didn’t care my WH was married. on other hand , I’m sure WH told them our marriage was over. And he would soon divorce. You know the routine.

In the meantime. They get lonely. It’s wonderful how much time and attention these AP receive. The dinners. The trips. The gifts. The plans and promises. They are fully enjoying it. I’ve heard women say married men make better boyfriends . They try harder.

Both AP dumped my WH. I can’t be sure but it seems the first one left after an ultimatum. wH did not leave me. she was fired. he had nervous breakdown.

Second AP , my Wh was determined not to lose again. They were cheating while I was in intensive care with my sick grandchild. In my house. He risked everything to keep her. One month before our divorce was final, she dumped him.
I think she was a terrible con. I think he was Npd. I think they deserved each other.

He insisted we renegotiate the divorce and began the divorce from scratch. I refused. He finally signed the papers. Then he became dangerous and violent.

I think she used him like no other. I think he might have cheated on her. He blamed me for the ending of their affair????

They all seem mentally unstable to me. They seem so happy and content with no morals

The AP in my case was a prostitute until she was the love of his life. She simply didn’t care about anyone else, she wanted him and deserved him. They were destined for each other. And here I gag.

She is human trash, very slutty, and amazingly self righteous.

I often appreciate her because in the end she made his life hell, and he did the same to her. Ahhh true illicit love. Well deserved.

[This message edited by Tallgirl at 11:17 AM, Friday, December 3rd]

I think at least some of this is about maintaining power over the illicit relationship. Single person can blow up the married partner's world with a simple communication. Meet my needs or my reign will destroy you. Narcissistic sociopathy...

I think power is a big factor. Not necessarily over the BS, but over the WS. The idea of "I MUST be so effing amazing if you are willing to risk your M to have sex with me" kind of power. I guess it does become an indirect power over the BS, in that the AP can tell themself that they are sooooo much better than the BS bc the WS is doing what they are doing. And it can certainly morph into the power of superiority a la "your BS is unworthy bc they are [fill in blank - ugly, stupid, boring, not good in bed, all the crap that kills us on dday]" kind of way.

And I'm with CT, Ellie & others. They are absofuckinglutely culpable and bear their own responsibility for the pain caused. The law recognizes that the person driving the getaway car is just as guilty as the person who robbed the bank / murdered the teller. There's a reason why ALL co-conspirators can be charged with the worst crime any one of them committed. Because ALL parties know of the harm and were willing, despite that knowledge. That does not - for a second - diminish ANY of the culpability of the WS.

And if we are using the "they are lost, hurt people with low self esteem and bad coping skills" - the exact same things can be said about the WS. The AP is just as capable of keeping his/her integrity and saying "hell to the no!" as the WS is. It's like saying that because the grocery checker screwed up and didn't charge me for the bottle of wine I didn't steal.

In another forum there is one right now that literally gives me goosebumps. She is a widow, 63 years and is persuing a married man in his 60's who is her tennis partner at a senior community. This man and she kissed and he ran home to his wife to confess and sent her a NC letter. This man is a 'former' serial cheater and a sex addict, married for over 30 years.

This OW sees herself as the better option for this married man compared to this mans wife. She compares herself to his wife and views the wife as an obsticle. She literally wrote that the wife is just an obsticle. The OW has it in her head that this man will turn up at her doorstep eventually (she deliberately gave him ego kibbles) and she has a plan on how to make him faitful (in short by the time he gets an itch to cheat he will be too old so he won't cheat on her).

Honestly at first I didn't believe what I was reading and thought she was a troll but I remind myself these types of people exist. It's all a game for some of them and delusion is off the charts.