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Not well. Probably far worse than at the end of year one.

At the end of year one I was naive. At the end of year two, I had better perspective and was more in touch with reality.

Very curious on where you were 2 years post dday?

Hmmmm I was still in a state of limbo as to what to do for my relationship but focusing on my own healing (FOO, traumas, coping skills, and breaking codependency) as much as I could thru IC, journaling and allowing myself to dig deep as much as possible.

We’re you good??? Miserable? Many triggers? Few triggers?

I was not as good as I am now (closer to three years out) but better than 1 year post DDay for sure. Fewer triggers, they lessened as I healed the things I mentioned prior. And I was challenging myself not to reach for alcohol when feeling deep pain. That helped me explore it and sort it out sooner and helped me break alcohol abuse/dependency. I was also learning how not to go to my WS (bc she doesn’t know how to be there for me emotionally and doing so only served to make me vulnerable to her hurting me more in her neglectful responses). I focused on me as much as possible. When I found myself down I attempted to learn to label it so that I could explore that emotion to its fullest capacity and sort it out.

How was your WS 2 years post? Understanding that healing takes time? Understanding of triggers and very low moments?

My WS at 2 years post was still lying and a lot of the same patterns were still there. She would do a lot of external things for me and the kids but was not actively challenging her own coping skills, digging into her emotions and taking accountability for herself. Still the victim in her own life, still avoidant, still performing for acceptance rather than really owning her choices and making true changes.

Did you still think about the betrayal daily?

Not daily no, I think I challenged myself to focus on my emotions when the thoughts of betrayal came up. I used to focus on my WS and what she did and realized it helped me to stop focusing on her and start focusing on how I felt and what I could do to help myself.

Were you at forgiveness yet?

I was not at forgiveness yet but I am now. I no longer feel in pain now. This occurred at around the 2 1/2 year mark.

Were you ok one day and filled with rage the next?

Rage was gone but hurts were still present that I needed to sort through with myself and in IC

Still in IC to help the healing process?

Absolutely. Still in IC now only I am not in as much pain or focused on the affairs while in IC. The way my sessions are now are focused on where I may be struggling with boundaries (I set them but still feel shaky at times) so my therapist will help me with that. I’m still sorting a little bit of my hurts from my mother but a lot better and I’ve broken codependencies and can now see them very clearly. I tend to wrap up my ic sessions instead of feeling like they weren’t long enough and I get a ton of points and lessons in rather than before where we would be on one point of pain or trauma and it would need multiple Ic sessions to sort through.

I am currently 2 years and 11 months post Dday. I feel honestly really great everyday. Better than I was even before Dday happened. I’m still challenging myself personally with learning to nurture myself more but have honestly come such a long way. I no longer feel like I *need* my WS or anyone...I feel less limited in my life. More independent, more present, more aware. I’m stronger in standing for myself rather than compromising myself. I see things more clearly with myself and in my interactions with others. I didn’t make a decision on what to do with my marriage and left it as an in home separation with the potential for either R or D depending on my own healing and what I learned and depending on how my WS progressed and whether that would even be enough for me to want to get back in.

I took the time to focus on me without forcing myself to decide. I told myself I would know soon and to sort through healing for now bc I was in immense pain and trauma. I can sincerely tell you that I now know what I want to do. I feel comfortable and safe in my decision and I got here without pressure. I still care for my WS and want the best for her, but we are still separated and will ultimately D. I’m at peace with that. Where life takes me from here as far as relationships I don’t know but I don’t care! I’m so excited to feel so free and independent and not feel like I have to limit myself anymore. I’m ready to explore and live for me. If someone joins me romantically in that journey one day cool! If not, that’s ok!! I feel freer than I ever have and imagine it’ll only get better as I continue to challenge myself and heal and slowly but surely remove myself from our in home separation and toward living out my own dreams, dreams ive had for years that I’ve limited myself away from for the sake of pleasing others.

Sending you so much strength, positivity and love as you maneuver this process. Make yourself a priority and listen to yourself along the way. If you’ve made yourself last like I did, challenge yourself not to because you deserve to have you like never before. ((((Sending Love)))))

[This message edited by maise at 3:57 PM, May 27th (Thursday)]

We’re you good??? Miserable? Many triggers? Few triggers?

I'm D'd now but we have explored R many times over the last, almost two years, since dday - as recently as a few months ago.

I still have triggers - fewer yes. There are still some big ones though.

How was your WS 2 years post? Understanding that healing takes time? Understanding of triggers and very low moments?

My XWS was back and forth - sometimes seemed to get it but mostly defensive, blaming and minimizing. I came to the conclusion that he was never going to help me heal. Too self-centered and in self-protection mode.

Did you still think about the betrayal daily? Were you at forgiveness yet?

Yes, even though we're D'd and NC, I think about it daily. Though I try not to, it's still so shocking and troubling to me that the man I loved and committed to could do this to me. I spend some time everyday ruminating.

Were you ok one day and filled with rage the next? Still in IC to help the healing process?

I have good days and bad days. Mostly so-so days. It's a rollercoaster. My assessment is that the brain only lets so much pain out at one time, because all of it at once is far too much to handle. So, I'll be humming along and rage will pop up in a way it hadn't before or sadness, etc.

All in all I'm far better now than I was a year ago, more functional, getting back into a healthy routine, experiencing moments of joy, not crying all day everyday - in fact crying is down to maybe once every week or two. It's a longer process than I'd like for sure but I see light at the end of the tunnel.

Where was I 2 years post dday?

ME:

Still raging, still hating him, still reminding him almost daily what a compete POS he was.

Him:

Still taking it.

Life for the 2 years after was a blur. Ow started making digs at me on social media and when confronted would play evasive games and try to get into my head. I shouldve shut her down but it felt like an ongoing constant threat. Wh had finally found another suitable job so it should've been the clean break I needed. But she obv was determined to make it otherwise. So year 2 I was plummeted into that fearful stage again. I felt I couldn't trust reality. I was extremely angry. The hurt and pain was being felt after the numb and shock of year 1. It was sinking in what he had actually done to me and our family.

I felt like we were figuring a decent relationship but I really didn't know if I wanted him or the situation anymore. I got very toxic during that time. But I started working on me again, so towards the end of that year after cutting the ow out we got to a level place and both were fairly invested. Not without hiccups. But certainly moving forward. We made plans to extend our family. The heightened threat feeling and high alert reduced. And began to work on acceptance more.

I think I'm still at times working on the acceptance.

Duplicate

[This message edited by Tentwinkletoes at 2:16 AM, June 4th (Friday)]

I should also say, like you had seesaw of emotions and intentions and thought thought indicated the viability of R. Someone kindly told me with honestly year 2 is worse. Year one has shock denial running on adrenaline. Hysterical bonding. Fear of loss. Its full of adrenaline and adrenaline blocks pain receptors. Anger also blocks pain. It's why people can run when shot or have super strength when angry. Year two calms alot. You're left with the reality. There is no longer anything to numb the pain. Alot of support disappears as people assume you've worked it out.

There is a sudden realisation of whom your spouse is and what you're being forced to accept. This is where you really work through the emotions and the healing starts. It's horrific. It's lonely. It's painful. It's infuriating. And then when it calms down its just really sad. My sense of loss was the hardest thing to work through around that time frame. And negotiating what I thought my reality was. To what it is.

I think any time we can hold our hands up and say its too much. But I just wanted to reassure you sadly year 2 is a toughy

A basket case. PTSD was a living nightmare.

Was two years out in Feb. A counselor friend suggested that 2 years out, you're about 50% healed, 3yrs...about 80%. It has certainly felt that way for me.

FWH has so so many of the right things. We have been released from our MC, released from 99% of IC....though I have one more final EMDR visit left. I do run into OW far too often. I'm not allowing her to dictate my life, but she's far from kind and I lose it.

False R is the stuff of my nightmares, but I hold onto the ever growing knowledge that I'll be ok no matter what. If he's leading me on, there is a special level of hell for him. But, I don't think he is. He's more present that he ever was in our marriage now. We both are. He's not perfect, neither am I. But, we're both trying together. Looking into moving just so we can continue our lives without the risk of me encountering her as often.

I trigger bad whenever I see her - when I'm alone she seems to get more unkind and bolder. We seldom run into her when FWH and I are together. We're in a small community and she's got no shame - I really don't think she has owned her part of this and blames FWH. I levy half on him too, but he owns it. When we do run into her together - he's mortified or expresses so much about "WTH was I thinking". He expresses immense gratitude that I'm here at all. I wouldn't be here if not for that.

I do better when we're out of town. I do better when he plans wonderful new experiences for us....and he's excited to do that.

He expresses remorse and says that his hand is there. He knows he broke my trust, and he's there when I have the ability to take that hand.

I say all this and remember what I saw in another post. No marriage can end "well". Either 50% of us will divorce, or one of will abandoned the other in death. Depressing. If nothing, this experience has given him the ability to see what gifts he very nearly lost. It's given me the knowledge that I'm stronger than I ever thought I could possibly be. I'm weirdly grateful that we both WANT to work toward a better tomorrow for us. I'm not sure we knew really how to do that before. I also know that if it doesn't work out....I'm a catch. As is he with what he knows now.

I'm looking forward to 80%.

I'm in year 4 of this shitshow.

still have triggers, but can manage them MUCH better

still think of the betrayal every day (and more like every hour)

Still in IC

WH still has a large portion of his head up his arse and is still not R worthy

At 2 yrs (about 18 months ago) I'd figured out the beauty of emotional detachment.

Still had a fair amount of anger (TBH, I'm not sure that will ever truly subside)

WH had still not made any objectively identifiable progress

We'd just come off of a 6month S. We stopped the S only bc I'd be working out of town most of the week and figured I could tolerate him for 2 days/week. Then Covid hit and that whole plan (and any "plan B" or c or d) went out the window.

Nowhere near forgiveness. I don't even attempt to think about that anymore. It will happen or it won't - my happiness is no longer dependent upon it, or my WH, or my M.

I never say this to minimize anyone's pain or trauma response or anything along those lines, but I honestly believe healing from a LTA has more dimensions/layers than a shorter A. IMO, the ability to live a double life for years/decades has a sinister element that's not the same in other As and creates a different dynamic WRT healing, and WRT the WH's ability to change. Infidelity is always a reflection of character, but LTA shows a much deeper level of fucked up (technical term :) ) IMO. And having the SAME person be the 3d party for years (or decades) of a M adds it's own layer to wade through (eg self esteem, comparisons, etc).

And, at the end of the day, where I or anyone else was at year 2 doesn't really have a thing to do with YOU and your journey and YOUR story. We are all different and we all come to dday with our unique thoughts, feelings, FOO, coping skills, etc. Hearing that BS1 was doing wonderful and their WS was doing everything imaginable doesn't make me feel better about my not being able to report that when I was 2 yrs out... any more than hearing BS2 saying they were miserable and still spent hours a day in bed crying hysterically with a WS whose actions show they are just as wayward as they were on dday doesn't make me feel better bc that wasn't my situation either.

Forgot to add.....I dabble with the idea of forgiveness....but I'm no where near ready. I know I decided to forgive him when I decided to work on us. OW can rot for all I care.

Mentally 2 years out Was still a mess. Dealing with LTA.Angry, hurt, no self confidence. I didn't worry so much about the sex or the money. I was devastated that he told her he loved her. That took a long time to understand. Still hurts almost 8 years later.

2 years post DDay I felt great, rarely thought about the A of my WW. Text book rug sweeping. 5 years forward, DDay 2 and I am separated barreling towards D.

Nowhere good.

Same.

After 3 DDays I'd even go so far as to say it felt like the seventh circle of hell in false R, rugsweeping limbo with an unremorseful future faker.

Thank you for continued responses

You got the nail on the head..::I think the LTA is what is liking me. Again..not to minimize anyone else’s pain, but a person who can create a whole separate life brings on a whole new level of deceit and character flaws.

A person capable of this..::what else are they capable of and how many other times did they create a double time. I can’t imagine it was the first, may have just been the longest with the dumbest OW?? I’ll never know…but how does one repair this level of betrayal and deceit….to me and the kids.

It’s not an oops….it was over 3 long years of knowing and willingly betraying a wife and children and say “I ffinally “woke up” why can’t i believe that?? Maybe cause I’m not low live of a person to do that to another human being. Sorry..:but these cheaters r fkn low life losers. anyone who cheats knows full well what they are doing and I don’t buy the..I didn’t know it would hurt you. Ok…:I’m angry today and I’m not sure I can do this anymore. I’m angry and I just don’t think i can forgive or ever tray again

Thank you for continued responses

You got the nail on the head..::I think the LTA is what is liking me. Again..not to minimize anyone else’s pain, but a person who can create a whole separate life brings on a whole new level of deceit and character flaws.

A person capable of this..::what else are they capable of and how many other times did they create a double time. I can’t imagine it was the first, may have just been the longest with the dumbest OW?? I’ll never know…but how does one repair this level of betrayal and deceit….to me and the kids.

It’s not an oops….it was over 3 long years of knowing and willingly betraying a wife and children and say “I ffinally “woke up” why can’t i believe that?? Maybe cause I’m not low live of a person to do that to another human being. Sorry..:but these cheaters r fkn low life losers. anyone who cheats knows full well what they are doing and I don’t buy the..I didn’t know it would hurt you. Ok…:I’m angry today and I’m not sure I can do this anymore. I’m angry and I just don’t think i can forgive or ever tray again

healing from a LTA has more dimensions/layers than a shorter A. IMO, the ability to live a double life for years/decades has a sinister element that's not the same in other As and creates a different dynamic WRT healing, and WRT the WH's ability to change. Infidelity is always a reflection of character, but LTA shows a much deeper level of fucked up (technical term :) ) IMO. And having the SAME person be the 3d party for years (or decades) of a M adds it's own layer to wade through (eg self esteem, comparisons, etc).

Yes this is true. Nowadays I don't really think about the A's, but what still bothers me is the double life during the entire M. How to reconcile 24 years being a lie. It really screws with one's head.

2 yrs out, ptsd, many triggers, thought of it 24/7, couldn't sleep more than 3 hrs straight at night, still losing weight, deep depression, thoughts of suicide, cry at the drop of a hat. I had experienced the deaths of my parents 4 yrs before my wifes adultery, that pain was nothing compared to my wifes betrayal.

I am 3 1/2 yrs out, still think of it daily, not as depressed, still have triggers, I sleep a little longer at night, but still don't experience the deep sleep I use to have. I still can't believe what she did. Still trying to R, but sometimes her old resentments get in the way.

I'll be at two years end of this month. Lovely anniversary to have coming up in a couple days btw.

I do still think about the betrayal everyday but not all day like I once did. There are even whole hours that go by that I don't think about what my wife did to me and our marriage. It doesn't sting like it once did. Sometimes I can go a whole day and not feel the stabbing pain of what she did to me and even then the pain usually doesn't linger like it once did.

I feel more angry than I did two years ago. Two years ago I was 95% grief 5% anger. Now i'm maybe 70% angry and 30% grief. I see that as good though, anger is MUCH easier for me to tolerate than my sadness.

Its weird though, I still feel shock sometimes when i think about the fact that that she cheated. How can this be? Its been 2 years since that terrible day and I have thought of this single fact that she cheated more than all other thoughts I've ever had in my entire life. Yet I can still feel absolute jaw-dropping disbelief sometimes when I my thoughts return to her infidelity. I wonder if I will ever be shut of it.

I still feel shock sometimes when i think about the fact that that she cheated.

Me too. I dunno when/if that ever really ends. Maybe with D?