SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is a relationship born of lies and deceit, grown with infidelity.

Getting my marshmallows and sticks ready, pulling up my lawn chair.

I knew this was going to get people angry. I guess I should explain some things.

1. When he and his wife met, it wasn't supposed to be a serious relationship. But after five months he got her pregnant and thought it best to marry her in the interest of the child. They separated less than a year after the wedding but he decided to stick with it because he couldn't stand the thought of another man helping to raise the child. She was separated but not divorced when they met and a month after her divorce was final, and being four months pregnant with Evan's child, they married. That's why I called it a wedding of necessity, not love. It was never a happy marriage and as of today he finally has his freedom.

2. I am certainly not proud of being an OW and it's something I've never done before. We broke up because I was ashamed of being a side-piece and wanted a real relationship. I was more than happy having him out of my life and never expected him to show up out of the blue at my desk to tell me that he's thought of nothing but me for the last eight months and finally found the courage to end his marriage. I turned him down flat initially but one thing led to another and we both realized the feelings were still there.

3. I've known him for almost four years at this point. We know more about each other than most and we have an uncanny ability to talk about things most people don't know or want to talk about. In raw terms, there's a connection and chemistry between us that's undeniable.

4. He had never cheated on his wife before I came along. This is truly a one-time experience for both of us. And while I'm not justifying our actions by any means, while adding that we fought and argued bitterly for over eight months before that first kiss something organic (for lack of a better term) happened between us almost three years ago now and while both of us have tried to fight it, we just can't stay away from each other.

5. I have no intention of intruding on his ex-wife's life and his family doesn't know about me or our relationship. I do, however, want to meet his daughter as she's never had an example of a happy, loving, stable relationship and as my relationship with Evan evolves I'm hoping I can show her what that looks like.

6. We all deserve love and while it may not happen in the most moral fashion or in the way it should, sometimes when something is meant to be, it's meant to be.

7. I'm truly sorry about posting about this today. I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day and it wasn't meant to be a trigger. I've been a member of this site since 2006 so while it says I'm a new member, I've been reading for a very long time.

What exactly do you want from posting on this site? Its ok, We ALL come here to this site wanting something. I wanted support, I wanted to know if I was crazy, I wanted empathy.

What is it that you want by posting your story?

OP I hope that your life will be cupcakes and rainbows from here on out and that all those feels will last forever and ever. I am sure you are exactly right and that Evan is a total prince and it's just that none of us sad saps "get" your "love".

I personally as a BW, am SO heart-warmed to know that conniving OWs get a fairytale romance at the end! Congratulations and please enjoy that prize of a man you won!

I do, however, want to meet his daughter as she's never had an example of a happy, loving, stable relationship and as my relationship with Evan evolves I'm hoping I can show her what that looks like.

How do you know she's never had an example of a happy, loving & stable (I almost GAGGED on this btw,,,,) relationship????? Because your lying, cheating "wonderful" married boyfriend told you she hasn't??????? You don't know this, you don't live in their house, their world. YOU ARE A SIDE PIECE.

What he should have done was either stay in his marriage and gave you the boot or divorced his wife before he started up with you. I just love how sometimes waywards "blame" the fact that they don't want their kids to grow up without a parent, or they don't leave because of the kids. Like cheating on the kids mother/father is a BETTER IDEA.

I turned him down flat initially but one thing led to another and we both realized the feelings were still there.

Feelings that should have NEVER been there in the first place. Don't say it was meant to be or it is fate. It's not. It's a choice made by two cheaters.

BigMammaLamma...

I posted because I wanted to share my crazy, insane and in every way unconventional story. I guess I was looking for perspective and advice, not necessarily support.

Evan and his wife were married until their child was old enough to handle a divorce (his words). I forgot to add that she had already had three children from her first husband and her ex was a deadbeat so while married Evan was supporting four children - three of which were not his own. One reason why he found the strength to leave the marriage was because his three step-children were becoming both an emotional and financial burden and he asked his wife to go after her ex for unpaid child support. She balked and immediately asked for a divorce.

Having been divorced myself and forced to pay alimony to an ex-husband who left me for another woman believe me when I say I understand the pain infidelity causes. I never thought in a million years I would become involved with a married man but maybe not all marriages are the same. Some people get married for reasons that have nothing to do with love. Again, I'm so very sorry for making people mad or trigger.

This seems a little too convenient to post on Valentine's Day on a site dedicated to helping former victims of infidelity abuse overcome their trauma.

Seems trollish to the point of parody. Good job.

He had never cheated on his wife before I came along.

We all deserve love and while it may not happen in the most moral fashion or in the way it should, sometimes when something is meant to be, it's meant to be.

I knew this was going to get people angry.

Which is why you posted it. Good job.

When he and his wife met, it wasn't supposed to be a serious relationship.

This is a completely meaningless, utterly vacuous statement. Do most relationships that end up in a marriage "begin" as a serious relationship? In fact, no. They begin as light flirting, progress to dating, get more serious over time. The fact that you can concoct statements like this is very telling about your psychology.

I completely forgot it was Valentine's Day and it wasn't meant to be a trigger.

Sure. Ok. You betcha.

Anyway, Happy Valentine's Day! Y'all most certainly deserve each other!

It's BigMammaJamma, thanks.

I don't know man, you already said you knew people were going to get mad, so you obviously did it to get a reaction. Congratulations! You are poking a bunch of betrayeds with a stick, getting them all worked up by acting as a proxy for all of our OW/OM. Are you really that pathetic? Are you really that bored?

Maybe get a hobby like knitting, stamp collecting or even soul searching?

You have no idea how this MM's marriage started out (or continued) - you weren't there.

You have no idea about his daughter's life, everything you've been told is coming directly from a liar.

If this is a true situation I'd put money on there being a DDay while you were 'apart' and his wife being the one to throw him out.

You knew exactly what you were posting and when you were posting it! Good luck with your continuing justifications.

What is it that you want by posting your story?

BMJ She just wanted to let all of us know that luuurrrrve will win against all odds! (cue sappy romantic music) It's just like Hollywood always told us!!

Now Thumos don't be so cynical! I am sure that this "crazy, insane and in every way unconventional story" is just beautiful IRL and looks nothing like a dumpster fire. For shame sir, for shame.

You’re new but have 47 posts under your belt here. You should know better than to post here. Wayward is where you’re Iikely to get help.

I took a look back at some of your old posts and profile info. While self-awareness can be elusive at times, you’ve been on here for years and presumably have some insight into how relationships become distorted. And now this.

I’d suggest that you read through and really process all these flowery feelings you’re professing for this cheater. As much as he used you, you equally used him.

As far as being part of the family, just no. You think the next 6 months, huh? My BW learned about the shit I did to her and our children 18 months ago and still faces some days where it’s impossible to get out of bed. She needs a job because we’re divorcing but finding one is a challenge because it’s so hard for her to focus as she is distracted by feelings of pure terror and mistrust. Now, imagine “Evan’s” daughter having all her conscious memories centered around seeing the woman who gave her life, wanting to die. There’s two people responsible for that pain. AND THEY BOTH KNEW WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

You need to leave this family to get through this. “Evan” needs to learn how to fix himself. You need the same. But it needs to be separate from this train wreck. You have been on here long enough to understand we can fool ourselves into all kinds of things. You’re doing that here.

The best advice is to walk away. I fear you won’t hear that.

She has been a member since 2006, but still has not managed to pick up on the rules. OP is either not super bright or purposefully flaming the membership.

You cannot be openly wayward and be flaunting your lack of morals and common decency here -- she originally post in General for christsake!

Listen, perhaps you are just a poor, misunderstood star-crossed OW who simply wants validation that she is not a bad person, just a victim of circumstance. Sorry, we don't have any of that validation here. You ARE a bad person. You ARE a selfish person. You DO NOT contribute to the betterment of society. You hurt people to get what you want.

But that's the thing Thumos...the relationship was only five months old when she became pregnant. And while I understand each person has their own personal "egg timer" as it relates to falling in love knowing what I know about Evan he wasn't at that stage when life threw a curveball at him.

And you're completely right - he could be lying through his teeth and I'm being played for a fool. We've invested so much time and energy with each other I feel like I know him well enough to know he wouldn't do anything he truly didn't want to do. If he wanted to dump me, he could. If he wanted to tell me off and say it's over, he could do that too. But he hasn't.

I'm not a troll - I promise. And I wasn't lying when I said I forgot it was Valentine's Day. I feel awful about posting this message today of all days...what compelled me to write it all out was because his final hearing was today. He's been separated from his wife since October, 2018 and while he was having an affair with me (from June, 2017-February 2018) we talked every day but never saw each other outside of the office. It wasn't right, I felt like shit and ended it because it wasn't who I was - I refused to be a mistress. He knew that and only approached me when he separated from his now ex-wife.

Now that he's legally single I'm hoping our relationship can slowly evolve into something we both want. It's going to take some time and I need to be both patient and cognizant that he's not going to want to jump into something deep right out of the gate. Above all else we're great friends and have an honest understanding of each other. What I want is for him to have true love - maybe for the first time in his life. I want him to know that it exists and there's a woman that's willing to provide that for him when he's ready.

I refused to be a mistress.

Wow

Look OP I am really trying to stick up for your glorious and in no way trashy romance novel slash made for tv lifetime movie love affair here, but when you tell flat-out fibs like this, it makes my job difficult.

and there's a woman that's willing to provide that for him when he's ready

.

Soooo much to say to this, but I will mind my manners and just walk away,,,,,,

I wasn't lying - I really did break things off with him because I didn't want to be a mistress anymore. Once he separated from his wife I was no longer a mistress. Maybe that's warped logic on my part but it's how I felt.

[This message edited by sef85843 at 12:44 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

You sound like you deserve each other. Good luck.